7 Keys to a healthy spiritual Family part b
Thesis: We need to learn the keys to having a healthy family if we want to fend off the attack of the enemy on our families.
Texts: Ephesians 5: 1-33;
Ephesians 5:1-33 ( NIV )
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children
and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.
Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient.
Therefore do not be partners with them.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)
and find out what pleases the Lord.
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible,
for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,
making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.
Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husband’s as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I Corinthians 13
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ( NIV )
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self–seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Introduction:
Chuck Swindoll said of the family, “Whatever else may be said about the home, it is the bottom line of life, the anvil upon which attitudes and convictions are hammered out. It is the place where life’s bills come due, the single most influential force in our earthly existence.”
Last week we talked about Key 1 to a healthy family unit – That key was: The first key is
God. He is to be the foundation on which the family is built. He is our firm foundation
(Ephesians 5:1, 3-20) He is to be our role model and our guide. He is the one we are to
Imitate when building our families.
The family is a hard thing to build – it takes patience, time, wisdom, insight, knowledge and
intention.
Now you know why I say, “The family takes a lot of work!” A healthy family will go through several stages that require perseverance and a good work ethic.
Stage One – The family begins at the, “I do’s” and a couple is birthed. Now comes the dying to self.
Stage Two- The couple’s life is dramatically changed at the arrival of the first child. Now comes heaps of responsibility and stress.
Stage three – The children grow up out of the toddler years and start school. The family is apart more and life becomes more hectic with school age children. Families can drift apart if they are not careful here.
Stage four – Now the children reach adolescence and life changes quickly. Turmoil enters the family unit. Hormones invade the home. Expenses go up for couples in this stage. There are more activities and more separation of the family individuals. There are more choices to make and peer pressures. The family helps here in guidance and direction while allowing the child now teen to become and individual and to move to individuation. This is a hard time for the family and can tear it apart if it is not healthy.
Step five- the empty nest is another difficult passage were the couple finds themselves a couple again with their children gone. Children no longer are the focus of their family unit. Now mom and dad look to each other for companionship.
Stage Six- Then comes Grandchildren but it’s still very different. You can see why we need the healthy keys of a strong family if we are going to thrive, adjust, flex and stay together through these life stages.
T.S. - Let’s look at the keys to a healthy family unit and discover what we must do to build a healthy family.
Video Illustration from Blue Fish TV: Kurt Warner on marriage and family Blue Fish TV
I. The second key to a healthy family is commitment to a lifelong marriage. We need to commit to submit (Eph 5:2: 21-31)
a. “I do, I do!” It’s supposed to mean I love you till death do us part. The intent of the, “I do’s” means I commit to submit and to work hard so our marriage and family is a success.
i. What do teens think about the splintering apart of the family unit?
1. Barna also noted that the impact of such widespread divorce has left its mark on young people. “One of the most striking findings in our recent survey among teenagers is that when we asked them to name their top goals for the future, one of the highest-rated was to get married and have the same spouse for their entire life. That’s a remarkable goal – one that reflects their own exposure to, and rejection of, a family that has to survive divorce, for whatever reasons. Since millions of those teens have never had a healthy marriage modeled for them, we can only pray that they will have the strength of character and the support systems available to make their goal a reality.” ( Barna Research Online, December 21,1999, Christians are more likely to Divorce.)
b. I honestly believe that everyone here wants to enhance their marriage and family or future marriage and family. They want to make to it better, stronger and more fulfilling. Their heart’s desire is to either re-ignite their passion for one another or to strengthen their passion for one another. To build a family that will last forever.
i. I would like you to take a moment to have you reflect back to that very special day when you made a commitment to your spouse. Or when you parents made that commitment which birthed your family of origin. You know, "The Big Day"! All the presents, glamour, songs, fun, anxiety, excitement and especially when we or they were asked to say, "I Do!" That was the beginning of your journey into marriage and family. It started with He saying, "I do" and She saying "I do". They both made these commitments because "I do", "I do", equals, "I Love You".
ii. Since the beginning of Kathy’s and my marriage, we have learned a few lessons about this incredible journey or should I say "adventure"! Starting and maintaining a marriage and family is hard work. But I have learned as you can learn to say, “I love You!”
c. We have to commit to submit.
i. What does submission mean? It means the art of surrendering so as to yield to others decision and actions.
1. Ephesians 5:21-27 (NIV) 21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
2. What does the word Reverence mean in this verse:
a. Meaning of the word reverence and communion: REVERENCE Respect or honor paid to a worthy object. In Scripture, reverence is paid: to father and mother (Lev. 19:3; Heb. 12:9); to God (1 Kings 18:3, 12; Heb. 12:28); to God’s sanctuary (Lev. 19:30; 26:2); and to God’s commandments (Ps. 119:48). The failure to revere God (Deut. 32:51) and the act of revering other gods (Judg. 6:10) have dire consequences. Reverence for Christ is expressed in mutual submission within the Christian community (Eph. 5:21). Christian persecution takes on new meaning as suffering becomes an opportunity for revering Christ (1 Pet. 3:14-15) (From Holman Bible Dictionary).
b. It means we approach the action of submission to each other out of reverence for Jesus willingness to die on the cross for us.
3. Wives need to submit to their husbands as they would to the lord.
4. We in the family need to submit to one another because this brings great highs and great joy to the family.
5. Yes, the husband is to be the head of the family leading the way but he needs to be Christ like while doing it. He needs to be a servant leader like Jesus.
a. His motto’s “No Pride!”, “I choose to lose!”, “I will not quit!”
6. He said, “Not my will Lord but your will be done!”
7. In the spiritual realm wives need to submit to there husband’s leading as he follows Christ.
d. Part of this submitting comes back to that word Love- Agape love- means one that surrenders itself for another person. One that loves without conditions. It loves selflessly and therefore perfectly.
i. Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
1. Husbands need to love their wife and family like Christ loves the church. You need to open up your arms on the cross and die to yourself and live for the Lord and serve your family with the help of God.
ii. Ephesians 5:26 (NIV) 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
1. If you do this your family will be clean and holy as the Word will wash it white as snow.
2. The Word will sweep through your family in a great and holy way as love is the dominating trait that you unleash into your family.
iii. Ephesians 5:27 (NIV) 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
1. We need to present our families to God without a hint of evil in them. No stains no wrinkles no compromise. As we seek to ruthlessly keep evil out of our families God will bless them.
a. No porn
b. No deception
c. No immorality
d. No drugs and alcoholism
e. No Ego – edging God Out!
f. No selfishness
iv. Ephesians 5:28 (NIV) 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.
1. We need to feed them and care for them just like we take care of ourselves. Both physically and spiritually.
v. Ephesians 5:30 (NIV) 30for we are members of his body.
1. Why because we are members of the Body of Christ!
vi. Ephesians 5:31 (NIV) 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
1. The goal of the husband and wife are to become one because that’s what makes up an imitator of God when the husband and wife both made in God’s image unite and then the balance of the two points to what God would do.
2. We become one with Christ as we unite together and it’s symbolic of the relationship Christ has with his bride the church.
3. Of the world’s three great institutions - the home, the church, and the state - the home is the oldest and most sacred. The home consists of the family unit, which is the cohesiveness that holds society together. The family is bonded together by the union of two individuals who unite in love and make a covenant relationship with each other and with God.
II. The third key to a healthy family unit is loyalty and faithfulness to your marriage and to your spouse (Ephesians 5:31, 32; 3-7)
a. Eph. 5:31, 32: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
i. Do you know what happens when one cheats on another and allows someone else to invade the marriage and family?
1. It takes the two who are one and rips it apart violently.
2. It rips the marriage apart and the family apart.
a. How do I know – I lived this nightmare with my parents unfaithfulness and divorce.
b. We must have strong moral values.
i. Infidelity creeps up on a marriage because of broken relationships and lack of love for the other.
c. Faithfulness to the marriage is a matter of honoring God’s and his way and preventing a ripping apart of the family God joined together.
i. Focus on the Family states: With more than 30 years of research, we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life. Consider that:
1. Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies).3
2. A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.4
3. The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.”5
4. After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover, indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.
5. Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected. Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.
ii. Children get emotionally scarred and traumatized from divorce.
1. Children and Divorce: A report on educating students from divorced and single-parent homes by the NEA Standing Committee on Instruction and Professional Development:
a. The majority of research studies indicate that, for children, divorce and one-parent homes mean a higher risk of having problems in school. For example, the National Association of Elementary School Principals (NAESP) and the Kettering Foundation’s Institute for the Development of Educational Activities (I/D/E/A) conducted a three-year study of 18,000 students from fourteen states which concluded that -- As a group, one-parent children show lower achievement and present more discipline problems than do their two-parent peers in both elementary and high school. They are also absent more often, late to school more often, and may show more health problems as well. The research most frequently cited in the educational literature about how divorce affects children is that of Judith S. Wallerstein and Joan B. Kelly (54) whose comprehensive study is known as the Children of Divorce Project. Their investigation, which ended in 1979, involved 131 children from 60 California families over a period of five years. They found that one-third of the children experienced learning problems and two-thirds showed noticeable changes in school behavior (http://www.pobct.org/divorce.html).
2. Children living with a single parent or adult report a higher prevalence of activity limitation and higher rates of disability. They are also more likely to be in fair or poor health and more likely to have been hospitalized (National Center for Health Statistics, 1997).
3. The "triple threat" of marital conflict, divorce, and out-of-wedlock births has led to a generation of U.S. children at great risk for poverty, health problems, alienation, and antisocial behavior. Facts About Marital Distress and Divorce, Scott M. Stanley & Howard J. Markman
University of Denver and PREP, Inc.
iii. Listen to some of these other reports on the ramifications of divorce on children:
1. "After divorce, children tend to become more emotionally distant from both the custodial and non-custodial parent." Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth, A Generation at Risk (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1997), p. 69, reporting the findings of Rossi and Rossi (1991).
2. "This emotional distance between children and parents lasts well into adulthood and may become permanent. As adults, children of divorced parents are half as likely to be close to their parents as are children of intact families. They have less frequent contact with the parent with whom they grew up and much less contact with the divorced parent from whom they have been separated." Lye et al., "Childhood Living Arrangements and Adult Children’s Relations with Their Parents," pp. 261-280, and William S. Aquilino, "Later-Life Parental Divorce and Widowhood: Impact on Young Adults’ Assessment of Parent-Child Relations," Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 56 (1994), pp. 908-922
3. "Compared with continuously married mothers, divorced mothers--whether custodial or non-custodial--are likely to be less affectionate and less communicative with their children and to discipline them more harshly and more inconsistently, especially in the first year after the divorce. In particular, divorced mothers have problems with their sons, though their relationship is likely to improve within two years even when some discipline problems persist up to six years after the divorce." E. Mavis Hetherington, Roger Cox, and Martha Cox, "Long-Term Effects of Divorce and Remarriage on the Adjustment of Children," Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, Vol. 24 (1985), pp. 518-530.
4. "Divorced mothers, despite their best intentions, are less able than married mothers to give the same level of emotional support to their children." Jane E. Miller and Diane Davis, "Poverty History, Marital History, and Quality of Children’s Home Environments," Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 59 (1997), pp. 996-1007.
5. "The quality of the relationship that divorced fathers have with their sons, often troubled before the divorce, tends to become significantly worse after the breakup. Finally, the higher the level of conflict during the divorce, the more likely the distance between father and children afterwards." Janet Johnston, "High Conflict Divorce," The Future of Children, Vol. 4 (1994), pp. 165-182, and Amato and Booth, A Generation at Risk, p. 68, reporting the findings of numerous authors.
6. "Also, children of divorce are less likely to think they should support their parents in old age. This finding alone portends a monumental problem for the much-divorced baby-boom generation that will become the dependent generation of elderly during the first half of this new century." Aquilino, "Later-Life Parental Divorce and Widowhood," pp. 908-922.
7. "Even older young adults whose parents divorce report turmoil and disruption. They deeply dislike the strains and difficulties that arise in daily rituals, family celebrations, family traditions, and special occasions and see these losses as major." Marjorie A. Pett, Nancy Long, and Anita Gander, "Late-Life Divorce: Its Impact on Family Rituals," Journal of Family Issues, Vol. 13 (1992), pp. 526-552.
8. All quotes above taken from: The Effects of Divorce on America by Patrick F. Fagan and Robert Rector
a. Fagan: American society may have erased the stigma that once accompanied divorce, but it can no longer ignore its massive effects. As social scientists track successive generations of American children whose parents have ended their marriages, the data are leading even some of the once-staunchest supporters of divorce to conclude that divorce is hurting American society and devastating the lives of children.
d. With the obvious evidence showing how ripping a family apart hurts everyone the guard your hearts from sin and lust.
III. The fourth key is Respect for your spouse as a best friend.
a. Ephesians 5:33 (NIV) However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
b. This means being a partner in the family.
1. This means communicating in a positive way.
2. We need to have 10 positive remarks for every one negative.
3. When couples go for counseling their number one complaint is communication chaos.
4. Respect and honor for your spouse is essential.
a. This means supporting the other in dealing with the children. In other words mom and dad are always on the same side.
b. This means showing others that you love the other in public this includes the children also.
IV. The fifth key is you need to be a good parent.
a. A good parent is one who does the following:
i. You have your spiritual life in order and focused on Jesus.
1. This means that your spiritual commitment directs your life and the way you respond to life issues.
ii. You are not satisfied with being a survivor of parenthood.
1. You actually want to enjoy life and benefit from raising your kids.
2. You want to make a difference and it shows in your kids.
iii. You understand that you are accountable to God for the way you raised your children.
1. Deut. 6:1-9: 1These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. 3Hear, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the LORD, the God of your fathers, promised you. 4Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.5Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
2. You realize raising your children for God has divine rewards and a divine purpose.
iv. You have learned that personal happiness comes from self-sacrifice not self-gratification.
v. You model for your children a Biblical lifestyle and exhibit being a good role model. You need to have a strong faith in God and be willing to pass it on to your kids.
1. You are intentional about you faith.
2. When the church and families unite God does miracles.
vi. Love is spelled time!
V. The sixth key is to share your story with your children at a divine moment.
a. Revelation 12:11 “They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony…”
i. Your kids need to know what Jesus has done for you!
1. Your kids need to know how He saved you and changed you.
2. Your kids need to know your decision to serve the Lord and why it’s so important.
ii. Use wisdom and discretion.
1. It must be at the right time and age appropriate.
iii. You share His story then your story to your kids then they pass on their story and His story and your story to their kids.
1. Joshua 24:14-15:
a. “Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD.
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
VI. The seventh key is having the willingness to forgive and be forgiven.
a. Why should you forgive?
b. Charles Stanley gives us reasons why in his book The Gift of Forgiveness.
i. He states, “A person who has an unforgiving spirit is always the real loser, much more so than the one against whom the grudge is held.” He adds, “Un-forgiveness, by its very nature, prevents individuals from following through on many specifics of the Christian life and practically necessitates that they walk by the flesh rather than by the spirit “(17, 18).
ii. He also expounds in his book on how un-forgiveness devastates the one who refuses to forgive. Let me summarize them.
1. When we choose to not forgive in one relationship we discover that it spills into other relationships and it destroys them.
2. When the unforgiving person stands around and waits for the other to make restitution he loses out on life because they never make any progress in their game. That sad fact is as they are standing around waiting they form fleshly patterns of behavior and incorrect thought processes.
3. Stanley states, “Regardless of how wrong the other person may have been, refusing to forgive means reaping the corruption in life. And that corruption begins in one relationship including the relationship with God, and works its way into all the rest” (25,26).
c. John MacArthur gives us reasons why we need to forgive in his book and series, The Art of Giving and Receiving Forgiveness.
a. Un-forgiveness imprisons people in the past.
i. I always say don’t let the past dictate the future.
b. Un-forgiveness provokes bitterness.
i. The Bible calls it the root of bitterness in Hebrews 12:15.
ii. He states, ‘Bitterness is the cancer of the heart.”
• Forgiveness is the most godlike act that a person can do.
• Forgiveness affirms unmerited love.
• God promises his love to those who forgive others.
• Forgiveness prevents hate.
• Un-forgiveness results in discipline by God.
• The unforgiving will not be forgiven by God.
T.S. - Jesus makes it very clear in Matthew 6:14, 15 that we have to forgive. This is the primary reason we are to forgive others because He said so.
Conclusion:
Theodore Roosevelt said in 1917, “No other success in life-not being president, or being wealthy, or going to college, or writing a book, or anything else-comes up to the success of the man or woman who can feel that they have done their duty and that their children and grandchildren rise up and called them blessed.”
7 keys to a healthy family?
1. Make God and His Word your foundation for your family unit and value system!
2. Commit to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ so that your family unit will grow strong in the faith and be a eternal success.
3. Make sure that you stay loyal and faithful to your spouse by guarding your hearts.
4. Be determined to respect each other at all times.
5. You need to be motivated by God’s Word to be a good godly parent.
6. Share your personal testimony with your kids when appropriate.
7. Have a willingness to forgive and be forgiven.
