We are in week three of our series No Wake Zone. We’re talking about how we can have healthy relationships, no wake zone relationships where we can have some rest and refreshment and encouragement inside relationships, since relationships are exceedingly difficult. Now, I’m just a guy. I don’t know how many of you grew up in middle Tennessee. I’ve been in middle Tennessee my whole life. I remember when the Wave Pool came to Nashville. Anybody here remember when the Wave Pool came to Nashville? Lowell, you remember that don’t you? I guarantee you did buddy. They’re off of Briley Parkway, for those of you who don’t know it.
That was the coolest thing when I was a kid. The Wave Pool was just IT. For fifteen or twenty minutes the waves were on. All the kids were running and screaming. If you’ve ever been there, they would have a buzzer that would go off and that would mean that the waves were about to stop. So, when the waves stopped, all the kids got out of the pool and the moms came to the pool and it was calm and they laid there on their floats and the kids all sat at the edge just waiting. Then the waves came on, it was right back in.
I couldn’t get into the Wave Pool until six because I went with my buddy and his mom. After six it was cheaper so we sat out from five thirty in the burning sun looking at the rich kids in there getting to experience the Wave Pool and wanting so much to be in there. But, I’m over that now. I’ve forgiven her of that, which we’re going to talk about today.
Here’s my point. I’m at the time of my life when I’m ready to come in out of the waves. I’m ready to relax, have some refreshment in my relationships. How do we build those kind of no wake zone kind of relationships? Let’s look today at this building block of forgiveness, which we set up for you with the video. I appreciate Mario Moreno. He gave me the Coast Guard hat. I wanted to wear that while we were shooting that in case I fell in, that they might come after me. I wish we could show you all the clips that we didn’t show. There were some really big waves that came in and my clothes...I mean, I sacrificed for you. I hope you understand that. I put my life on the line for you in that video and I’m not sensing that you get all that. It’s not about me is it? Okay.
Here we go. Forgiveness is one of those things that really breaks the wake, or the waves, and it creates no wake zone relationships. You can’t have a no wake zone relationship without forgiveness. We don’t really understand forgiveness. Let’s define biblical forgiveness here this morning. Forgiveness is this. Forgiveness is a decision to release a person from the obligation that resulted when they injured you. Let’s say that again. Forgiveness is a decision to release a person from the obligation that resulted when they injured you.
Let me just say, my good buddy Richard is down here on the front row. Richard always sits on the front. I love that. Let’s just say that, I don’t know, Richard made me mad today because he wasn’t taking good notes, or he fell asleep. Let’s just say I just grabbed a cup of water and just went and threw it all over Richard. That would be awkward, for starts, right? But it would be wrong. Could we all agree that’s wrong? You shouldn’t throw water on a church member on the front row. You shouldn’t do that. We would agree, right? I mean, that’s wrong. You don’t do that.
But now, Richard has a decision to make. He can stew, he can change his membership to another church and talk about me in the community and he can just deal with that. Or, he has a decision to release me from the obligation that resulted in the embarrassment. That would be embarrassing to him. He’s going to go into his small group with water all over him. There was a cost with that. There was a debt that that created. He could either keep that, internalize that, and carry that, or he can choose to release me from that. That’s what we’re going to talk about today.
Now look at this. Hang here with me for a few minutes because we have a lot of content today and this is very important. Let me just say, I know a lot of your stories and I know that many of you in this room have been hurt so, so badly in your life. After the last service somebody came up and talked to me. I’ve spent time, two years ago with them. It’s just some tragic, tragic stories that people have. I’ve been hurt and am hurt. There are people who say negative things or have done negative things to me. This is a real deal that we all face. Can I just say something today that helps me? I don’t know if it’ll help you. There’s not a person alive on the planet that can hurt you in a way that God can’t heal you. That’s the good news.
Can I say to you that Jesus understands hurt. He was betrayed by one of his closest followers. Judas sold him for thirty pieces of silver and sent him to the cross. It was on that cross, what did Jesus say, "Father forgive them." Who was he talking about? He was talking about Judas even. I mean Jesus was still extending that grace and forgiveness. We serve a savior who understands forgiveness.
I want to say to you today that forgiveness is distinctive of a Christ-follower’s life. This is why we’re doing this series, because relationships are hard and we all have stories about relationships. You may be in a tough marriage today. You may be having difficulties with your children or with co-workers or anybody in your sphere of influence, you’ve got some high wake people in your life. I believe this. I believe followers of Jesus Christ have the best opportunity for healthy no wake zone relationships, better than anybody else on the planet. One of the keys is this distinctive of forgiveness, because we’re called, we’re commanded to forgive all people at all times for every offense. We’re going to see that in the scriptures.
Now look as we just make introductions today. No wake zones are really impossible without forgiveness. Let’s just say, if you want to discount this message, if you want to say, "You know what, he doesn’t really understand how bad I’ve been hurt and if I was to really do that then that person would take that and it’d almost be like they had won this battle and they’re wrong." You could make a case and we could bring a microphone up here and you could tell your story and we could cry and...But here’s the deal, you don’t have a chance at no wake relationships without this concept of forgiveness. Let me just make a statement here because this is a very difficult theological issue. What I’m about to say, I’ll tell you, there are a lot of people who disagree with me theologically on this issue.
Look at your notes here, just for a second. We’re going to have to think this morning. Forgiveness, I don’t believe, is a condition of our salvation. Even though I’m going to read you some scripture where it really sounds like it is. Some people would say, "Unless you forgive, you can’t be forgiven by God." I believe forgiveness is a consequence of our salvation. I believe when I came to faith in Christ, I believe that God forgave me of my past, my present, and my future sins. That’s why what Jesus said on the cross, "Tetelestai," paid in full, his sin debt. He paid for my sin debt in full. I believe that my willingness to forgive others is a consequence of this idea of my forgiveness that God has brought.
Now, let’s look at a tough passage. Mark 11:25. This is not going to be our key passage today. I believe this is an important message and I think I bored folks in the eight o’clock service to death. I want us to think. This is huge today. Here’s what Jesus says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone"... He’s talking to Richard there. He’s saying, "Richard, if you don’t forgive Brady for throwing that water on you, don’t come to the altar and pray." "If you hold anything against anyone, don’t bring it to the altar. Forgive him so that your father in heaven may forgive your sins." That’s a hard passage to deal with isn’t it?
What does it mean? I believe that my willingness to forgive proves that I have been forgiven, that I have received forgiveness. That is a consequence of my forgiveness. Now look at this. Luke 6:37. We’ll put this up on the screen. "Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven."
I believe that forgiveness is a fruit of our salvation. I really believe that. Think about this for a second. Do you remember the Lord’s Prayer? See if you can finish this. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus was teaching his disciples to pray and part of their prayer was, "Father, forgive us our trespasses." What’s the next word? As we...What is Jesus saying? It is a natural consequence that we are going to forgive because we have been forgiven. This is a distinctive of followers of Jesus Christ. We are different in this manner than anybody else on the planet, that we forgive all people, at all times, for every offense because we have been forgiven by Jesus.
Now, I want you to think about this today. Here’s the question we’re going to end with. We’re not ending now. I know some of you thought, "Wow, sweet, that was painless. Done. Got counted at church today and it was only a few minutes. What a deal." Who do I need to forgive and what do I need to forgive them of? I believe this is a very practical thing today. I believe everybody in this room has somebody that you need to forgive of a specific offense; they wronged you in a certain way.
Let’s look at this. You have it in your notes in the box. I think this is the real thesis for this message, if you had to really boil it down to one point. Here we go. Forgiveness begins with a choice and it is followed by a process. We’re going to see that forgiveness begins with a choice. I would say to you, as a believer, I think the choice has already been settled for us. God has commanded us to forgive because we have been forgiven. This idea of walking in this process is what we’re going to look at today and help us.
Now, here we go. We’re going to talk about the tsunami, if you will, of unforgiveness. The tsunami is a steep, high, dangerous wake. If I don’t forgive, there is a tsunami coming in my own life and the life of everyone around me. That’s really the danger of failing to forgive. If you have your Bibles, open them up to Matthew 18. Matthew 18 is such an important chapter in the gospel narrative because it teaches us how to deal with conflict.
I would submit to you today that Matthew 18 is the most misapplied chapter in all of the New Testament. Matthew 18 tells us very specifically how to deal with conflict. The fact is we don’t use it. We don’t follow these precepts. We say we’re a people of the Word, we believe the Word, we apply the Word. We don’t do what Matthew 18 tells us to do. Do you know what Matthew 18 tells us to do when someone wrongs you? You can look in Matthew 18:15 so you can make sure I’m telling the truth. It says, "If someone wrongs you then you go to them." You don’t tell anybody else about it. You don’t use it as a prayer request in your group. "Hey, I just want to share something by way of a prayer request that our pastor did to me in the first service this morning. Just pray for me." It tells us in Matthew 18 not to tell anybody else but to go directly to that person and resolve the conflict.
if the conflict can’t be resolved by that meeting, Matthew 18 tell us that we are to take two or three other brothers or sisters in the faith, Godly people who can go with us and try to settle this issue, this conflict, to sit down and help us work through it and come to an agreement so we can move on. A person who won’t repent, it tells us to bring them in front of the whole church. Wonder if we did that this morning. Well that’d be weird wouldn’t it? That would be so foreign to us. That’s what the Bible says. What if we said, "Hey listen. Richard and I are sideways. I’ve gone to him. He hurt me. He wronged me." You’re never going to sit here again are you? Never. And, I took Roovelroe and I took a couple other people, we went to him and he still won’t repent. So, we’re going to bring him. Richard, come on up. Sit down here. Let me tell you what happened, and you’re going to decide what we’re going to do with Richard. Weird, right? Intense. You would think, whoa, that’s pretty heavy. That’s how the Bible tells us to deal with conflict. It’s a serious deal that we deal with conflict.
Jesus begins in verse 21 to continue on about conflict resolution. I want to ask you to do something. I was in a conference this week and I heard T.D. Jakes preach and he brought it. You’ve seen him on television? He’s got, I need this. He’s got a posy with him. He’s got a guy that brings his Bible up and brings his water and his towel. He has an organist that comes up while he preaches. I mean, he’s got some boys. I need that. I was thinking that, "I want that." "I need that."
He had us all stand as we read God’s Word. I was convicted by that. So, I’m going to ask us to do that today. We’ve gotten away from that here. Let’s stand as we read God’s Word. Why are we standing this morning? We are submitting to the authority of God’s Word in our life. We believe that it’s transformational and it is important to us because we’re standing in respect.
In Matthew 18:21, "Then Peter came to Jesus." I love Simon Peter. Outside of Jesus, he’s my favorite. He always says what we want to say but we don’t have the courage to. Jesus is teaching on conflict resolution and so Pete’s got a question. He says, "Lord, on that forgiveness thing, how many times should I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Simon Peter’s expecting Jesus to say, "That’s huge. If you could do it seven, you are a forgiving giant. You’re the man if you can do that." That’s what he was expecting.
Jesus says, "I tell you not seven times but seventy seven times," or seven times seventy is what it says in the original language. How many rain men do we have here, mathematicians? Seven times seventy. Run the numbers really quickly. What is it? 490, right? I think it is. It’s 490. That’s not the point. God isn’t telling us, "Keep up with that. When you get to 480 let him know. Hey, got ten more and then I’m through forgiving you." No, it’s not. It’s just, unlimited. Jesus is answering Peter’s questions. When Peter says, "How many times should I forgive him? Seven?" Jesus says, "An unlimited amount of times." Why? We’re going to see why.
Verse 23, Jesus is going to tell him a story. Jesus is a master story teller. I know we’re reading the Bible, you’re standing and I’m preaching but just hang here. This is so good. Jesus tells the story. Why does he tell stories? He tells stories when the point is so hard that people can’t get it. Simon Peter’s like, "What? That’s weird." Jesus begins, "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven." In other words, "Story time, let me explain it to you." "The kingdom of heaven is like this. A king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents." If you have a study Bible, don’t come and correct me at the end of this. I’m just too vulnerable. One talent was worth one thousand weeks of wages. So, ten thousand talents is going to be way, way, way more money then anybody could ever earn in a lifetime. Can we just get that? A lot of money. Some of you will come like they did in the first service, "My study Bible says this." I don’t care. What Jesus is saying? I do. I’m sorry. That seemed raw. I do care. That was...emails are coming.
Jesus is saying, "More money than you’ll ever have." The average wage earner in a First Century world might have earned two to three talents in a lifetime. We’re talking about ten thousand talents. You get the point? You’re just ready to sit down aren’t you? "Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay," duh," the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt." They were sold but it didn’t even scratch the surface of how much he owed. "And the servant fell on his knees before him, ’Be patient with me,’ he begged. ’I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him and cancelled the debt and let him go."
Now, the master is the Lord Jesus and we’re the servant in this story. If you’re trying to see who this is. "But when the servant went out"...After he’d been forgiven of this massive, massive debt, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denari. Now, a denari was about a day’s wage. So, a hundred denari is a large sum of money, but it’s not insurmountable. It’s like a bonus check. It’s like what we get back on our income tax. It’s a sum but not an unmanageable sum.
So, he found the guy who owed him the bonus check and he grabbed him and began to choke him. "Pay back what you owe me, he demanded." Now look at this, verse 29, this is the crowd seeing this. They had seen this man being forgiven and now they’re seeing how he’s treating people. "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ’Be patient with me and I’ll pay you back’." This is the same language that he used. "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay back the debt." Here’s the part. "When the other servant saw what had happened they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. The master"...now the music changes again. This is his second encounter in this story with God. "The master called the servant in. ’You wicked servant,’ he said. ’I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger, his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured until he should pay back all that he had owed. ’This is how my heavenly father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.’
Lord, hard, hard teaching. Transform us today as we understand this concept of forgiveness. Would your holy spirit fall on this place so that we would understand this in our relationship with you and with all others could be radically altered by understanding biblical forgiveness? In Jesus name, Amen. Go ahead and have a seat.
Let me tell you about this servant. Here’s what I believe. I believe the servant in this story was never truly saved. You might say, "Well, why do you say that?" When the master forgave him of this debt what did he say? He said, "I’m going to pay you back." He was still trying to earn something from the master. He didn’t realize that his account was way too big that he could never earn. Do you understand that your debt load with God is way bigger than anything you could ever earn? Do you understand that one sin is far more than you could ever pay back, as it relates to the holiness of God?
How do I know he wasn’t a believer? He didn’t act like a believer. He didn’t act like a forgiven person. The first thing he went and did was begin to bring about vengeance and executive judgment. He failed to forgive. Let’s look at this today in a little more detail. I believe that unforgiveness is a cancer to your body and soul. I love it when scientific researchers study upon a biblical principal and begin to espouse it as if they have just uncovered a great nugget of truth to change the culture. It’s been there in the Bible all along. There’s a ton of research. In fact, Edward Worthington, you don’t know him, I don’t either. I’ve read a little bit of his research. He’s the executive director of a campaign for forgiveness. What he has found in his research, as he is studying folks who have gone through difficult times in their life, he has begun to teach the biblical concept of forgiveness. He has found in his research that people’s immune system, as they’ve begun to forgive, is enhanced. In other words, they’re able to fight off disease better when they learn to forgive. Their risk of a heart attack is lowered as they learn to forgive. Anxiety is decreased. Their relationships, even their libido, he says in his study, that gets some guys attention here, is increased. All these things that are so important to our physical and emotional wellbeing are byproducts of understanding what the Bible has called us to do all along, and that is to forgive.
It is an important, important thing. In fact, ex-President Jimmy Carter, Desmond Tutu, and Elizabeth Elliott, wife of great missionary Jim Elliot who lost his life, at the end of last century, they were given a grant by our government. Ten million dollars they were given in this grant to research the affects of forgiveness. In their research, they took a group of incest survivors, folks who had lived through, perhaps today we would say today one of the greatest traumas in life, to be abused by a relative. They began to take a group of these incest survivors and teach them the biblical principles of forgiveness. What they found in their research was that those who were exposed to biblical forgiveness and began to release people of the debt that they had against them began to have far greater relationships in the future. Physically, they were in much better shape. They even saw their blood pressure and cholesterol levels drop as they were learning to forgive. We say, "What’s the point?" Listen. When we walk in obedience to God and his Word...he’s given us his Word in these biblical precepts to protect and to provide for us. There’s great truth. Our culture’s, in a sense, just stumbling on that.
Now look at this. When we choose to sin...and unforgiveness is sin. Do you understand that today? Unforgiveness is sin. Why? It’s not living out the biblical mandate to forgive as God has forgiven us. When we choose to sin, we always choose to suffer, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Can you understand that today? When you choose to sin, in any realm of your life, morally, financially, in any area of your life, you choose to suffer the consequences of disobedience.
Here’s another thing about forgiveness. The reason that we don’t forgive is because we rationalize. I want to share with you five common rationalizations that I have heard from people and I have used in my life over the years of reasons why I shouldn’t forgive someone. Let me share these rationalizations with you. Here they are. Number one. The hurt is too big. That’s a rationalization. People will say, "I can forgive people of some things but, listen, what he did to me ten years ago, or twenty years, or what she did to me was so big that it altered my life in so many ways, and that was a major deal and the hurt is just too big."
Let me ask you to view unforgiveness this way. Could you just view unforgiveness as a major, major boil? That’s just a gross word isn’t it? Boil. The size of a grapefruit on your face. Hello. You want to do something about that don’t you? That’s not something you’re going to let slide, right? If you wake up one day with a boil the size of a grapefruit on the side of your face, that’s not going to slide. That is big and you’re going to deal with that. It’s massive. This massive boil or tumor.
I would say, the bigger the boil, the more serious I am about dealing with it. If this is a major, major deal in my life, I may have some smaller blemishes on my face but I’m going to attack the big one first. That just makes sense to me as I think about that. So, if you’re using the rationalization, "Well, it was just too big. I’m not going to forgive of that one." That just doesn’t work to me if I think about that in a rational way.
The other rationalization I hear about unforgiveness is, "You know what? Time will just have to heal it." We almost say that like it’s biblical, that time heals everything. Sometimes I’ll hear, "Time’s just going to have to heal it." Can I say to you today that time heals nothing. Do you believe that? Time heals nothing. If somebody wrongs you, if somebody hurts you, you may not see them for ten years, but the moment you see them again, aren’t you reminded immediately of what they’ve done to hurt you or wrong you. It’s just poked and prodded it. Ouch! When we go through something like that, it’s just so real and it’s so raw and time may just put a bandage over it, put some skin over it for a while but sooner or later we see them again and we’re hurt.
Let’s look at the next thing. Time doesn’t heal anything. The hurt is too big. Those are rationalizations. I hear people say this, "Well, I’m going to forgive them when they apologize." So, we’re sitting at the front door just waiting for them to come one day and run weeping. We’ve played this out in our mind, that one day she’s going to understand how she hurt me all my life, or he’s going to understand how he said that and it cost me that job and promotion. I’m in a dead end job because of what he did and someday he’s going to get it. They’re going to come running and weeping and we’re going to meet in the front yard and embrace and he’s going to say, "I’m sorry I wronged you." And I’m going to say, "Well, I forgive you." That’s probably not going to happen. They probably won’t come. That may never be played out in your life. So, at some point I have to make a choice whether I’m going to forgive. Forgiveness is unconditional. If I’m just waiting for someone to run and throw their arms around me and weep, anybody can do that. Anybody can forgive somebody conditionally. As Christians, we’ve been called to do something that is radical and that’s to forgive unconditionally. We’re going to come back. I’m seeing the looks on your faces and this is hard and this is tough. Hopefully we’ll tie this together and God’ll teach us something today, to understand that it’s going to be for our own wellbeing and the relationship’s wellbeing.
Let’s look at the fourth thing. I can’t forgive if I can’t forget. Have you ever said that? "I can’t forgive if I can’t forget." I used to catch fish. I don’t anymore. I go fishing but I don’t catch too many. I used to bring some fish home and clean them. Now I’ve realized, it’s just too much work and they’re cheaper at Sams. Cleaning fish is gross, really. I don’t mind it so much but my wife did. When you’ve cleaned a fish and you’ve got all the entrails...We’ve talked about boils and we’ve talked about fish entrails today. Aren’t you glad you’re here? You’ve been encouraged haven’t you?
It’s pretty nasty and we’d go bury them in the backyard. "Don’t throw that in the garbage can," Amy would say. "The garbage man’s not coming until Friday. It’s going to stink. Just bury it." So I would. You know where you bury that, right? But it’s not like you go and dig that up every now and then just to see how they’re doing. You just let that lie. That’s really the process. We’re going to talk about the process of forgiveness. I might know where it is but I’m choosing not to go back there.
When you make a choice to forgive, God steps in and blesses you with his presence and his power, and it begins the process of your forgetting. That may take years in your life but it can happen. The Bible says this, "The Lord can restore the years the locusts have eaten." Isn’t that good news, that God can erase the pain? He can remove the pain that is the story of our life.
Now, let’s look at the fifth rationalization I hear people say about forgiveness. "I’ll forgive them but they’ll just do it again so I’m not going to forgive them." Now, think about the logic of that. If I forgive them, they would just do it again. So, I’m not going to forgive them of the first offense. That means if you fail to forgive them of the first offense, you have a big boil on the side of your face the size of a grapefruit, and you’re saying, "I know I’m going to get another one." So, now I have two boils the size of a grapefruit on my face. Listen, I want to forgive that one now. I don’t want two. I’m going to go ahead and do that now knowing, perhaps, that they may hurt me and wrong me again.
Let’s look at this. As we get back to thinking about the fallout of forgiveness, the danger of unforgiveness. The fallout of unforgiveness will alienate you from people. Here’s the deal. Here’s what I want you to see today. If you fail to forgive, it is not going to hurt, in most cases, the person that harmed you. Did you hear that? If you fail to forgive, in many cases they could care less, they’ve moved on with their life. Do you know who it’s going to hurt? You and every relationship you have around you, because you’re going to be a bitter person. You’re going to throw a higher wake than you would normally throw and you’re going to damage people around you. You’re going to alienate people around you.
Isn’t that what happened in this story in verse thirty-one. The crowd who saw this servant who was forgiven much and then he chokes down his friend who owed him a bonus check. It affected them, right? They scattered and they ran to the master. Your failing to forgive is creating chaos in every relationship you have. Probably not in the relationship between you and the person who wronged you.
Let’s look at the last thing about the tsunami, or the danger of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness will ultimately humiliate you before the king. Isn’t that what we saw in verse thirty-four and thirty-five, when this servant had to come back and he had to give an account for his lack of forgiveness? Do you understand today, if you are in Christ, this is this unbelievable thing about grace, that God has forgiven you of past, present, and future sin in Jesus Christ. He has forgiven you of a debt that you can never pay back, and he has called us to forgive others as he has forgiven us. If we stand before God having taken that challenge and having received his grace and not being conduits of that grace to others, we’ll be humiliated before the king. That’s what this passage is talking about.
I want us to move on today and think about the calm of forgiveness. We’ve seen the danger of unforgiveness. It’ll affect us physically and emotionally. It’ll affect us spiritually. Have you ever heard somebody say this...hang here with me for a second. Have you ever heard somebody say, "Boy, I need a fresh feeling this morning. I need to get to church. I need to be filled." Have you ever heard somebody say that? Could somebody nod and let me know you’re with me. "Boy, I need that." Here’s the thing. Do you know why we say that? There’s some great truth in that. We say that because we leak as human beings. Sin causes us, really if you could get this picture, to leak in a lot of ways. God’s presence, his power, his provision in our life, when we have sin, it just creates these great gaps in our life and we just leak. That’s what unforgiveness will do. It will create this great distance between you and God that will cause you to leak violently, spiritually. You’re never going to experience the abundant life that God would have for you as long as you harbor unforgiveness in your life. It is impossible.
In fact, let me say this to you. Hang here with me for a moment. I can measure my intimacy with God by my ability to forgive those who have hurt and wronged me in my life. It’s a great indicator. Would you think about that for a second today, your forgiveness factor? If we could put that up on the screen. If you could see that in your mind’s eye. Hey, what is my personal forgiveness factor? You, today, may have some open accounts in your life. You may, today, have some folks who have wronged you, who have hurt you. You’ve discounted them. You’ve just kind of alienated them. You’ve chosen not to forgive them. Those are just open accounts in your life and they’re creating a gap between you and God. They are hurting every relationship that you have around you. They’re hurting you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Catch this. Boy, hear this today. Please, please, please, please, please hear this. It is hindering that other person, the person that wronged you. Are you with me? It will hinder their growth.
I had someone come down to me after the first service. I know his story. He said, "You know my story. You remember when I came to you and you know what I’ve lived through." It is difficult. Boy, if he could stand up here and tell you his story, you’d all be weeping. I did. He said, "Should I really forgive him?" Here’s the thing. Here’s the person who has offended me. Here I am if I’m living in unforgiveness. I’m between him and God. When I choose to forgive that person, I’m a firm believer that you let them know it. That may seem arrogant, to let somebody know. Maybe it’s a card, it’s an email. "Hey, you know what? I have chosen to forgive you of that wrong, that you hurt me in the past. I’m not holding that against you any longer." Do you know what that does? Hang here with me for a second. Do you know what that does? That takes you out of the equation and it puts God right there in center stage and they have to deal with who God is. In the past they’ve been angry, maybe with you, or they think you’re hypocritical or whatever, but it’s taking you out and then God is right there who can bring about change in their life and in your life. It’s a powerful, powerful principle that can take place.
Look at this. When I talk to people about forgiveness, people push back. We have a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness. I just have a few minutes. Let’s talk about what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not endorsing a behavior. Let me say that again. Forgiveness is not endorsing a behavior. If somebody has wronged you, forgiveness it not you coming back and saying, "You know what? What you did was right." No. It’s saying, "I’m choosing not to hold that against you any longer." It’s not saying that what they did was right.
Here’s the second thing that forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not enabling a sinner. It’s not doing that. I’ve already alienated Richard. I’ll just keep picking on him. Let’s say Richard got a hold of my credit card and he just charged up all kinds of stuff and finally I figured that out and I went back and I got my card from him. I have a choice. I have to choose to forgive him and not hold that against him any longer. I’m not going to give him access to another credit card in my life, right? I’m not going to enable him. Sometimes we do that. We continue to enable people. That’s not forgiveness. It’s not enabling a person.
Forgiveness is not rescuing a loved one. Boy, this is a big deal and it goes hand in hand. Let’s say you have a sixteen year old who steals your cars keys, or borrows them, just forgot to tell you, and takes your car out and runs it into a ditch one night and does five thousand dollars worth of damage. As a parent, we can forgive them, not holding that against them. But, you know what? We don’t call the judge or call in a favor from a lawyer or a friend and say, "Hey, I don’t want them to have to suffer any consequences. I don’t want them to have to do any public service. I don’t want them to do anything." That’s rescuing someone. Forgiveness is not rescuing someone.
It may be that the natural consequences that they have to go through from that sin that God will use to teach them wisdom in their life. I see that. I see a lot of people confusing forgiveness with enabling and rescuing. Do you understand the difference? A lot of you are looking at me like I’m really weird. Do you see that? Especially as it relates to family members, we enable and we rescue. When we do that, we really cut them off from the tool that God may use to bring about change in their life.
Forgiveness is not risking your own safety. Boy, I hear this a lot, even this week. As I do marriage counseling or counsel folks, I always tell people, "I’m not a counselor, I’m a preacher. You get what you pay for when you come see me." People will take what I say and they’ll go and tell somebody else and spin it and people will call me back and email me and be a little upset with me. Hey, we’re going to stand for marriage here, that’s who we are. I don’t ever tell somebody to head back into a relationship where their safety is in jeopardy. The person has to get themselves figured out and let God break them and grow. I wouldn’t send a woman back into a situation where her safety was in jeopardy. That’s not forgiveness.
Hey, maybe you had a family member who, when they drink, they get extremely violent and angry and crazy stuff happens. When they have a New Year’s Eve party, I don’t think I’d go to that party. I can forgive them from what’s happened in the past but I’m not going to put my safety or the safety of a family member, I’m not going to risk that. That’s not forgiveness at all.
Let’s look at this and we’re done today. We’ve talked about the danger of unforgiveness. We’ve talked about some rationalizations. We’ve talked about, today, what forgiveness is not. But, how do I do it? I know I’m supposed to because I’ve been forgiven. I know God’s commanded me to. I know if I don’t do that it’s going to affect me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know I’ll never have a no wake zone relationship in any area of my life until I take this seriously. But, how do I do it? Would you just give me some practical advice? How do you forgive somebody? That is so, so hard.
Now, here we go. We said that forgiveness is a choice and a process. Think about this. Some of you are sleeping. The choice to forgive is a settled issue for a believer. Do you believe that today as we think about the choice? If forgiveness is a choice and it is a process, isn’t it already a settled issue about the choice? Hasn’t God already told us what we should do? We forgive as we have been forgiven. Or, as we have been forgiven, we forgive others. It’s just a natural byproduct. It’s the fruit of our forgiveness that we would forgive others.
Now, look at this. Forgiving others means accepting their humanity. When I forgive others, I’m accepting their humanity. If you’re going to breathe and you’re going to be alive on planet Earth for any number of years, or any number of days, people are going to hurt you. Do you understand that? People are going to wrong you. People are going to say negative things. I have come to the point in time, I don’t have to enable them, I don’t have to risk my own health. I have come to the point in time in my life where I realize people are human beings and they’re capable of anything. I’m capable of anything. So, I understand their humanity.
Sometimes we just have unrealistic expectations for other people don’t we? We want people to forgive us, right? We’re not so willing to forgive others with the same standard that we want people to forgive us. That’s a little bit of a hypocritical stance.
Now here we go. What does it mean to walk in forgiveness? What does it mean to live this out in my life? Walking in forgiveness requires the choice to forgive and process of forgiving. Here’s what we’re going to talk about as we end today. This is such an important thing if we’re going to have a no wake zone relationship. Walking in forgiveness provides a choice and a process. Let me say this. Whatever it takes for you to focus and listen here for the next few minutes, I challenge you to do that. This is the most important part.
If you’ve been hurt, you’ve been wronged. If you’re going to enter into the process of forgiving somebody, you may be in that process for years. You may be in that process for the rest of you life. I believe it gets incrementally better. It doesn’t just happen overnight. People have harmed us and hurt us for years and we’ve lived through the damage of that for years.
Now, here’s the process of forgiveness. Here’s what it involves. Number one, treating the person as if the offense hasn’t happened. Now, think about this for a second. Hang here with me. Isn’t that what God does with us? When we go to him and we begin to pray to the father, it’s not like God interrupts and says, "Hey, hey, hey, wait just a second. Let’s go back to sophomore year in high school. I know you’ve confessed that and I know I said I...but I woke up this morning as God and I just was really bothered by that. Can we go back there again? I haven’t said everything I want to say to you about the mistakes you made then."
Has God ever done that? You’re looking at me weird. He doesn’t do that. He doesn’t. The Bible says that he forgives our sin as far as the east is from the west. You won’t ever go to the Father and him say, "I need to revisit that." He treats that as if it hasn’t happened. Isn’t that amazing? What does that mean? It means when we go to Him there’s great intimacy there. We can speak to Him as a child speaks to his father. We don’t do that in relationships.
Here’s how you do that. Here’s how you treat someone as if that offense hasn’t happened. The next time you see them, you engage, you initiate the conversation. It’s awkward isn’t it, when you have to come face to face with somebody that has wronged you? If you’re choosing to walk in the process, you have to be the person who initiates the conversation. Have you ever done that? In a moment, it’s like the ice breaks and almost their countenance changes and they know. A lot of times you don’t have to go up to somebody and say, "Hey, I forgive you. You really hurt me. You did." You just go and you initiate the conversation. You’re saying in a lot of ways, "I’m choosing for us to reestablish this relationship." People get that and you can see, it’s a very powerful, powerful thing.
That may be picking up the phone this afternoon. I never will forget. About seven or eight years ago, I preached a message on forgiveness at my last church. I was eating lunch that afternoon and I got a phone call from a woman. I had never met her. She was weeping. I could not understand a word she was saying. Finally, she settled down to the point that she said, "You know what? I came home today and understood what God had called me to do. I have not talked to my dad in ten years because of what happened when he walked out on my mom and he walked out on me. Today, I just called him." She said, "Daddy, I choose to let that go. I’m not going to hold that over your head any longer." She said, "He cried. I cried. He’s coming into town next week. We’re going to meet. I feel like I am fifteen years younger." It was an amazing conversation. She initiated the conversation and God began to do a great work. That’s what it means to walk in forgiveness.
The process of forgiveness is choosing not to bring the offense up to myself. I have somebody in our community who really doesn’t like me. That’s an understatement. He really is critical of my teaching and my theology and he’s done a...I don’t even want to tell you what he’s done but you can see it on the internet. It’s funny. My twenty year reunion is coming up and with a person trying to...the president of your senior class puts together the reunion. You guys are ready to go. Do you know what I’m talking about? Somebody nod. She emailed me and said, "I didn’t have your number but I Googled you and, man, somebody really hates you don’t they." You’ll go and do that but please don’t. I’m using this...I’m sinning right now. I’m using that as an illustration.
But here’s the deal. Walking in the process of forgiveness is this. It’s choosing not to bring the offense up to myself. That’s something that happens. Now think about this. Think about it for a second. It’s like lust for a guy. If a beautiful woman walks by, you’re not responsible for the first glance. You are responsible for the second. If I choose to hang there that’s sin. Some of you guys are thinking, "That was weird. What just happened? We were talking about forgiveness. What happened? Hello."
That thought comes. We’re going to have those thoughts about what he said, what she said, what they did, and it comes into our mind. The first thought is not sin. The second is. To begin to stew. To begin to build a case and begin to think about that and want to hash it out. To continue to focus on that and not replace that thought with something else in your mind. That is a process. That’s something practical we have to do. We have to leave that thought and replace it with something else, "Whatever’s holy, whatever’s pure, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about those things." Philippians 4:8. That’s the process.
Now, let’s move on. Not bringing the offense up to myself or the offender. Saying, "Hey, I know we started working things out and I know I forgave you and I said I forgave you. I was thinking about it last night and I need you to talk a little bit more about the events that unfolded, because there was a few things that I’m a little fuzzy on and I need to get a little closure." That’s an Oprah term. I need some closure. "It’s still dysfunctional. I need to get some closure."
No. If you’ve chosen to forgive, the process of that means you don’t bring that back up to a person again. You don’t stew on it. You don’t bring it back up to the person and you don’t bring it up to anybody else. We do that all the time in the church. Small groups make a living on that sometimes. "Hey, pray for me this week. This happened. I’ve forgiven him but listen to what he did."
Hey, can I tell you something? Don’t listen. Don’t be a party to gossip, because you are just as guilty as the gossiper. Don’t be a party to that. When somebody starts to unload some trash on somebody else, would you say, "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, have you taken that to the Lord and have you taken that to them? If you haven’t, don’t take it to me, because I don’t want to be involved in that." The process of forgiveness is not choosing to stew on it, not bringing it up, not staying with it mentally, not going to bring it up to that person, not holding it against them, and not going to alliance build. I’m not going to share it with other people.
That’s the process. You may be in that process for years. Listen, when you ever fail the process, when you do, when you fail, and we will. We’ll bring it up to other people and we’ll stew on it. When you do that, what do you have to do? You have to go right back to the start, the choice. Hey, I’ve chosen to forgive and I’m going to start the process all over again. Does that make sense? Do you understand that? I didn’t ask you if you liked it. I asked you if you understand it.
When you understand the process and you start to walk in the process, you know what you will do? You will open yourself up to God’s power and that’s what you need. That’s where healing comes, when you open yourself up to God’s power. God extends his power, look at your notes, in my life when I enter into the process of forgiveness. He restores the years the locusts have eaten. He does something supernatural when I begin to walk in the spiritual process that he has given me.
Listen to this. Listen, listen, listen. The only way you’re ever going to free your family from this tsunami that is not just affecting you, it’s affecting everybody else, is for you today to start walking in this process. We have to. So, so important for us. When I choose to forgive...I need to wind up. Gosh, I’m out of time. Forgive me. That felt good didn’t it? I’m over time. You have to forgive me. You don’t have to stay. You can leave but you have to forgive me.
When I choose to forgive, I release that person to God. Would you bow your head with me this morning? With your heads bowed and your eyes closed, I’m just going to share the last thing really quickly. You don’t have to fill in these blanks. Peace is never going to dock in your life as long as you harbor unforgiveness. That’s why you’re bitter. That’s why you’re angry. That’s why you’re not experiencing the joy of the Lord. Some of you are saying, you’re thinking today to yourself, "This is crazy. I’m not going to forgive him. I’m not going to forgive her. They cost me my career. They cost me my marriage. They cost me time seeing my children. They’ve cost me my health. I’m not forgiving them."
Can I say to you today, I’m not asking you to do that until you’ve received the forgiveness that Jesus brings. You can’t risk forgiving another until you’ve received the forgiveness that the Lord brings in your life, that unconditional forgiveness, past, present and future. Until you are a recipient of God’s grace and forgiveness, you’ll never extend it to other people. Can I say this today as I close, you’re doing yourself a favor when you forgive. What’s your forgiveness factor? Who do you need to forgive and what do you need to forgive them of? Today, in just a few moments, Russ and the band’s going to lead us in song. There’s not going to be any staff up here. The altar’s going to be open. I’m going to ask you to choose to forgive and to begin to walk in the process of forgiveness, to bring that person to the altar before God almighty today and release them from the obligation that their offense has caused in your life. We want to give you the opportunity to do that.
Lord, would you bless us? Would the Holy Spirit take over in this time? Could healing begin in lives? God, there’s some people today who are locked in unforgiveness. God, there is a tsunami in their home and in their relationships. God, we want this no wake zone but it happens as we step into forgiveness as you’ve forgiven us. God, for those who may be here today who can’t extend forgiveness because they’ve never received it, that they would come to faith today to receive forgiveness of their sin through a real relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s in His name we pray. Amen.
