7 Habits of Highly Effective Lovers (Galatians 4:12-20)
It was tax season, and Jane Osinki decided to surprise her husband, Henry, by getting their tax information in to their CPA early. She picked up the tax package their CPA had sent, scanned the forms, and noticed that Henry had already filled in some of the lines.
To the question, “Did your marital status change?” he had circled “Yes.” As far as Jane knew, they weren’t considering separation or divorce. In fact, they would soon celebrate their 50th anniversary – unless he had other plans.
She moved her hand to uncover the next two words: “Older … better.” She liked that change in status! (Jane M.D. Osinki, Christian Reader, Vol. 33, no. 6; www.PreachingToday.com)
Older and better – That’s because they had learned to love each other well. & That can be the story of our relationships, too!
In fact, there are 7 habits of highly effective lovers that will work in
any relationship to make it older and better over the years. There are 7 habits of highly effective lovers that will improve not only our marriages, but also our relationships with our friends, our adult children, and even our co-workers.
We’re studying the book of Galatians together, and so far the Apostle Paul has appealed to the heads of his readers. He’s presented logical and theological arguments to prove that believers in Christ are free from the law. Now, he is going to appeal to their hearts. He is going to appeal to his readers on the basis of the relationship they have with him. And in that relationship, we’ll see those 7 habits of highly effective lovers that will improve any relationship.
If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Galatians 4, Galatians 4, where Paul describes his relationship with the believers in Galatia.
Galatians 4:12 I plead with you, brothers, become like me, for I became like you. You have done me no wrong. (NIV)
“We have a good relationship; so be free like me,” Paul says, “for I became like you.”
When Paul, a Jew, came to Galatia, he didn’t expect the Gentiles there to conform to his Jewish ways in order for them to be in relationship with him. On the contrary, Paul conformed to their ways. He adapted himself to them. He changed himself without demanding that they change in order for them to become friends.
In 1 Corinthians 9, Paul says, “I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews… To those not having the law I became like one not having the law…so as to win those not having the law… I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some” (1 Corinthians 9:19-22).
Paul adjusted himself to the people he was trying to reach, and that’s what we must do if we want to become highly effective lovers.
We must ADUST OURSELVES. WE MUST ADAPT OURSELVES. WE MUST CHANGE OURSELVES for others without demanding that they change for us.
I remember Joni Eareckson Tada describing one of her first dates with Ken Tada, the man who is now her husband. She was concerned that he would not be able to lift her out of her wheelchair, so she lost weight to make it easier for him. On the other hand, he lifted weights in preparation for their date, getting himself ready for her special needs.
That’s true love, my friends – each adjusting to the other. It’s the first habit of a highly effective lover. & If you want your relationships to improve, then adjust yourself to those you love; don’t demand that they adjust themselves to you.
2nd, if you want to be a highly effective lover, ACCEPT OTHERS AS THEY ARE. RECEIVE THEM. WELCOME THEM EVEN WITH THEIR IMPERFECTIONS. That’s how the Galatian believers received Paul.
Galatians 4:13-14 As you know, it was because of an illness that I first preached the gospel to you. Even though my illness was a trial to you, you did not treat me with contempt or scorn. Instead, you welcomed me as if I were an angel of God, as if I were Christ Jesus himself. (NIV)
When Paul came to Galatia, many Bible scholars believe he had malaria. He had just come from Perga, a town near the southern coast of what is now Turkey. It’s a low swampy area, which makes a good breeding ground for malaria infected mosquitoes.
Now, malaria itself is a terrible disease. The one who suffers with it has periodic bouts with chills, fever and nausea every 48 to 72 hours. And after each attack, the sufferer is left weak and feeling absolutely wasted until the next attack.
Malaria is also a repulsive disease. John Mark was traveling with Paul at the time, and Acts 13:13 says Mark left Paul in Perga and went home. I think he saw Paul throwing up all the time, so weak he couldn’t even get out of bed, and Mark said to himself, “This missionary life is not for me. I’m out of here.”
He was repulsed by Paul’s illness, but not the people of Galatia. When Paul left the low swampy area of Perga, escaping into the mountainous region of Galatia, the people there welcomed him as an angel of God.
They didn’t treat him with contempt or scorn (vs.14 says) – Literally, they did not spit at him. On the contrary, they opened their homes to him. They listened attentively to his message. & They accepted him just as he was, even though he was deathly sick from malaria.
And that’s what we must do if we want to be highly effective lovers. We must accept people just as they are, unconditionally, even with their imperfections.
Dr. Richard Selzer, in his book, Mortal Lessons, talks about his encounter with this kind of love. He writes:
“I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had cut the little nerve.
“Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and the wry-mouth I have made, who gaze at and touché each other so generously, greedily?
“The young woman speaks. ‘Will my mouth always be like this?’ she asks.
“‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it will. It is because the nerve was cut.’
“She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles.
“‘I like it,’ he says. ‘It is kind of cute.’
“All at once I know who he is,” Dr. Selzer continues. “I understand, and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works. (Richard Selzer, Mortal Lessons)
Does your spouse know that your kiss still works, even though the years have “disfigured” them in some way? Do your kids know that you still love them, even though they disappoint you at times? Do your friends know that you will never leave them, even though they do some stupid things sometimes?
If they do, then you have learned to love like God loves us, unconditionally.
It’s the kind of love that sets people free. It doesn’t try to control them, manipulate them, or force them to conform to my ideals before I show them my love.
If we want to be highly effective lovers, then we must learn to love like that. 1st, We must adjust ourselves to those we love. 2nd, We must accept those we love unconditionally.
And 3rd, We must SACRIFICE OURSELVES for those we love. WE MUST GIVE UP WHAT IS MOST PRECIOUS TO US. WE MUST SURRENDER ALL OR PART OF OURSELVES for the sake of the one loved. That’s what the Galatian believers were willing to do for Paul.
Galatians 4:15 What has happened to all your joy? I can testify that, if you could have done so, you would have torn out your eyes and given them to me. (NIV)
Malaria often affects the eyesight, and in Paul’s case it probably did. At the end of this book (Galatians 6:11), Paul writes, “See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand.” He wrote with large letters, because he couldn’t see very well. But the Galatian believers would have plucked their own eyes out and given them to Paul if they knew it would help.
They were willing to sacrifice themselves for Paul, and that’s what we must do if we want to become highly effective lovers.
In the magazine, Christian Parenting Today, Lorraine Pintus talks about the days when she and her husband, Peter, were first married. Old debt had accompanied their new marriage, and income from Peter’s free-lance job was unpredictable. As Christmas approached and other couples were buying furniture or gold jewelry, they agreed to exchange gifts that had cost no money. “A hundred times,” Lorraine says, “I forced myself not to buy the perfect jacket for Peter (or the perfect holiday dress for myself). My inner Grinch had stolen my Christmas spirit. I grumbled, ‘Here it is, our first Christmas together, and we can’t even afford to buy a tree.’”
Then she awoke Christmas morning to find a large package on the kitchen table.
“You promised you wouldn’t spend any money on me,” she chided her husband.
“I didn’t,” he grinned. “Not one penny.” Instead, he had sold his racquetball racquet, his most cherished possession, to buy his wife a blender. She cried. Not because the blender was her dream gift – She could have lived her entire life without one. No. She cried, because her husband had sacrificed something of himself for her.
She went to bed that night praising God: “Thank you for making us ’poor,’” she prayed. “Otherwise, I’d never have known how rich I am.” (Lorraine Pintus, Christian Parenting Today; www.PreachingToday.com)
Relationships are enriched when lovers make sacrifices for each other. Relationships are enriched when lovers give up something special for the one they love.
That’s how Jesus treated us. Even while we were still sinners, He gave up heaven for us. He gave up His dignity, his glory. & He gave up His life just so we could be in relationship with Him.
If we want to be highly effective lovers, then we must learn to love like that. 1st, We must adjust ourselves to those we love. 2nd, We must accept those we love unconditionally. 3rd, We must sacrifice ourselves for those we love.
And 4th, we must SPEAK THE TRUTH. WE MUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. WE MUST LOVINGLY SHARE THE FACTS even if it hurts.
That’s what Paul did for the believers in Galatia. He sees them heading in a direction which will ruin their lives. So in love, he warns them to head in a different direction.
Galatians 4:16 Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth? (NIV)
Evidently, they didn’t like what Paul had to say. But he said it anyway, because he loved them.
And that’s what we must do if we want to be highly effective lovers. We must be willing to speak the truth in love, even if it hurts. Yes, we are called upon to accept people unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean we let them hurt themselves. No!
True love is not blind. Do you hear me? True love is not blind to the truth. On the contrary, it acknowledges the truth even when it’s painful.
Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Watch it when your enemy flatters you! He’s got some ulterior motive. On the other hand, a friend, who really loves you, will always tell you the truth even if it wounds you, even if it’s hard for you to hear.
Jeanne Olsen, a mother of five from Illinois, took her daughter Kirsten, age 9, out for a mother-daughter breakfast. During their meal, Jeanne courageously asked her daughter, “How do you think I could be a better mom?”
Kirsten thought for a moment. “Well, you do yell a lot. I know you’ve been praying about that, but it isn’t really working yet.” (Kevin A. Miller, Wheaton, Illinois; www.PreachingToday.com)
That little girl told her mother the truth, even though it might have been hard for her mother to hear, but that’s what people in healthy relationships do.
My friends, there are 7 habits of highly effective lovers, and if we want to be that kind of lover, then we must adopt those habits. 1st, We must adjust ourselves to those we love. 2nd, We must accept those we love unconditionally. 3rd, We must sacrifice ourselves for those we love. 4th, We must speak the truth.
And 5th, we must SET PEOPLE FREE. WE MUST RELINQUISH CONTROL OF THOSE WE LOVE. WE MUST ALLOW THEM TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS. WE MUST IN ESSENCE LET THEM GO.
The false teachers in Galatia were doing just the opposite. They were trying to control the believers there.
Galatians 4:17 Those people are zealous to win you over, but for no good. What they want is to alienate you from us, so that you may be zealous for them. (NIV)
These false teachers wanted to alienate the new believers in Galatia from Paul. In fact, they wanted to create a relationship of dependency and bondage only to them. Not so with Paul.
Galatians 4:18 It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always and not just when I am with you. (NIV)
Paul didn’t care if people zealously followed other leaders as long as it was for a good purpose. Paul set people free in his relationships. He didn’t try to control them or make them dependent on him.
And that’s what we need to do if we want to be highly effective lovers. We must set people free in our relationships.
Early on in our marriage, Sandy and I attended a marriage seminar at Dallas Theological Seminary, where I was a student at the time. I don’t remember much about that seminar, but I do remember one thing that had a profound affect on our relationship. The seminar leader was talking about the need for husbands and wives to relate to one another as adults, on an adult-to-adult, peer level, not as a parent to a child, or as a child to a parent.
And the thing that stuck out to me was this piece of advice: “Give your mate permission to say no.” “Give your mate permission to say no.” And if they do say no, don’t try to change it by shouting or pouting or withholding affection until you get your way. “Give your mate permission to say no without it adversely affecting your relationship.”
You see, effective lovers don’t try to manipulate the situation to get their way. They set people free in their relationships without trying to control the one they love.
Chuck Swindoll put it well in his book Grace Awakening. Here is what he wrote: “We tend to clutch, not release…to put people in our frame and not allow them any breathing holes unless and until they accept the shape of our molds. Grace [on the other hand] means we allow others the freedom to choose, regardless. Grace means I will not force or manipulate or judge or attempt to control you, nor should you do those things to me” (p.146).
If we want to be highly effective lovers, then 1st, We must adjust ourselves to those we love. 2nd, We must accept those we love unconditionally. 3rd, We must sacrifice ourselves for those we love.
4th, We must speak the truth. 5th, We must set people free.
And 6th, we must SUFFER WHEN THE ONE LOVED SUFFERS. WE MUST HURT WHEN THEY HURT, ACHE WHEN THEY ACHE, & CRY WHEN THEY CRY. When the one we love is being hurt, we must feel the pain.
That’s how Paul felt about the believers in Galatia. False teachers were leading them astray into a life of bondage, and it brings Paul real pain.
Galatians 4:19 My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you... (NIV)
Paul says, “It feels like I’m giving birth again.” The first time he labored to see them set free from sin. Now, he is laboring again to see them set free from legalistic bondage. Paul hurts because his children in the faith are hurting.
And that’s what we must do if we want to be highly effective lovers. We must suffer when the one we love suffers.
(illus.) While working his way through seminary, pastor and author, Ed Rowell, took a job driving a school bus for kindergartners. He had developed a special relationship with Ryan, one of his little riders.
After a rough week on the bus, Ed slept in on a Saturday, the day after Halloween that year. When he finally got moving and settled down with his first cup of coffee and the newspaper, a story on page two caught his eye. There had been an accident at the YMCA Halloween party. A heavy piece of gymnastic equipment was turned over. A child was killed. It was Ryan…
Ed went to the White Chapel Funeral Home. He was scared. His greatest fear was that he would say something that would make his mom cry. Just don’t say anything sad or stupid, he told himself.
He looked at the body in the half-sized casket, thinking he detected a little bit of Halloween makeup on little Ryan’s ear. Don’t cry, you idiot, he told himself, you’ll upset his parents.
Ed looked up. There was no one left in the room except Ryan’s parents. He walked up to shake their hands. “I was Ryan’s bus driver,” he told them, and Ryan’s mom’s eyes began to glisten. Watch it, he told himself, don’t get her started.
Then he told them about the day Ryan fell asleep on the bus and missed his stop. As they laughed over some of the things Ryan had said, Ed could see the tears begin to well up in everyone’s eyes. Way to go, Ed, he told himself. Now you’ve made them all cry.
Ryan’s mom started to speak, then grabbed him tight, and started shaking with those choking sobs that Ed dreaded worse than anything… To make matters worse, he started crying too. Not discreetly, but all noisy and messy. He held this young mother He’d never met before, and wished he had something to say that would turn their attention away from his own tears and runny nose.
Then a thought came to him. It sounded good until he said it aloud. “Just remember,” Ed said when they all quieted down a little, “God knows the pain of losing a son, too.” And with those words, another wave of grief crashed over all of them.
As soon as he could, Ed got out of there. He feared he had poured salt in the wounded hearts of those parents.
The months passed quickly. Christmas came and went, and midterm exams were on the horizon. One Saturday, Ed spent the whole day studying and nursing a stomach ache that wouldn’t go away. Finally, he called a doctor, and the doctor told him, “You’d better get to the emergency room, sounds like appendicitis to me.” Ed’s wife drove him over right away.
As he lay there on the gurney, waiting for the tests before surgery, a pretty, young woman, dressed in white, walked in. She looked like Ryan’s mom. Ed told himself, “You’re hallucinating.”
Then she spoke. “Hello, bus driver,” she said with a smile… And Ed knew it was her—carrying a needle in her hand.
“I want to thank you for being there that night,” she said as she tightened the tourniquet around Ed’s arm until his veins popped out. “I can’t tell you how much your words about God understanding have helped me over these past few months.” She slipped the needle in, but Ed never even felt it. Then she continued, “But the fact that you cared enough to cry with us meant more than anything.” (Ed Rowell, "When the Bus Driver Cried," Today’s Christian, November/December 1997; www.PreachingToday.com)
We don’t always know what to do when someone we love is hurting. That’s okay, because the best thing we can do is cry – not in a manipulative way, but with genuine tears of sorrow.
If we want to be highly effective lovers, then 1st, We must adjust ourselves to those we love. 2nd, We must accept those we love unconditionally. 3rd, We must sacrifice ourselves for those we love.
4th, We must speak the truth. 5th, We must set people free. 6th, we must suffer when people suffer.
And finally, we must SPEND TIME WITH THOSE WE LOVE. WE MUST BE THERE. WE MUST BE PRESENT. That was Paul’s desire.
Galatians 4:20 how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you! (NIV)
Paul wanted to be with his “dear children” in the faith. And that’s what we must do if we want to be highly effective lovers. We can’t love people from a distance, because true love is spelled T-I-M-E, and it involves time spent WITH the one loved.
An ingenious teenager, tired of reading bedtime stories to his little sister, decided to record several of her favorite stories. He told her, “Now you can hear your stories anytime you want. Isn’t that great?”
She looked at the recorder for a moment and then replied, “No. It hasn’t got a lap.”
You see, love needs a lap. It needs the personal presence of the lover.
There are 7 habits of highly effective lovers, and if we want to be that kind of a lover, then we must adopt those habits. 1st, We must adjust ourselves to those we love. 2nd, We must accept those we love unconditionally. 3rd, We must sacrifice ourselves for those we love. 4th, We must speak the truth. 5th, We must set people free. 6th, We must suffer when people suffer. & 7th, We must spend time with those we love.
In a word, we must demonstrate GRACE in all our relationships. We must love freely and without conditions.
Roy Croft once wrote some beautiful words that I think summarize the effect of such a love. I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out. I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find. I love you, because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern, but a temple; out of the works of my every day – not a reproach, but a song.
That’s the power of true, grace-filled love. It sets people free to be all that God intended for them to be.
