[The title and points to this message come from a book by John and Linda Friel, but the principles come from the Book of Proverbs written by Solomon.]
Solomon’s experience fits our current series "No Perfect Families Allowed," because his was a long way from a perfect family. He started out his reign as king of ancient Israel in pretty good fashion. When he came to power as a young man, instead of asking God for wealth and fame he asked for wisdom to rule God’s people. God honored his request for wisdom and kicked in the wealth and fame as a bonus.
After a while Solomon began marrying women from other nations, perhaps to form political alliances. In addition to the foolishness of polygamy, Solomon began adopting some of the pagan worship practices of his foreign wives. God wasn’t pleased of course and Solomon had to learn some valuable wisdom the hard way.
Solomon represents the two ways you can gain wisdom for family life. You can ask God for it since He loves to dispatch wisdom to the sincere; or you can learn wisdom the hard way by doing the wrong things.
Which brings me to "The 7 Worst Things Parents Do." We want to look at the wisdom of staying away from wrong patterns of parenting. Every parent makes mistakes but the wisdom of the Bible will help you avoid many of them. Solomon is the human author who was guided by the Holy Spirit to warn us of the mistakes we need to steer clear of in family life. Many of the Proverbs written by Solomon have to do with the parent-child relationship.
Since there are seven things, I’ll just talk about each one briefly and I suggest you study more deeply from the book of Proverbs for yourself. Interestingly, there are 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs, so you can read and meditate on one chapter every day of the month.
The Seven Worst Things Parents Do:
1. Baby your child.
"A servant pampered from childhood will become a rebel." Proverbs 29:21 (NLT)
"My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction." Proverbs 1:8 (NLT)
Circle the two words, “corrects” and “instruction.” These are important tasks of a parent who wishes to raise a well-balanced child. The Hebrew word for “correction” is used 25 times in Proverbs and has to do with corrective discipline. The idea of discipline runs like a thread through the tapestry of the Book of Proverbs. Every conscientious parent needs to study the topic of discipline in Proverbs.
The word “instruction” is the Hebrew word for “law”(torah). The Bible teaches that fathers need to lovingly discipline their children and mothers need to lay down the law. Any of you have a mother that laid down the law? Good - she was doing her job.
Why are correction and instruction necessary?
Correction and instruction give confidence to our children. Correction and instruction prepare them for life on their own. Many children grow up not knowing how to handle the rigors of adult life because dad and mom thought it more important to do things "for" them than to take the time to teach them to do things "for themselves." Kids become young adults not knowing how to iron a shirt or blouse, or use a washing machine, or reconcile a bank statement, or hold a job because they weren’t corrected and instructed.
In "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ," Daniel Goleman cited Jerome Kagan’s research on children who are innately, biologically timid. Mothers who protected their timid children from upsetting experiences produced kids who continued to be plagued by fear as they grew older. Mothers who gradually and consistently encouraged their kids to deal with more and more of the world, produced children who were much less fearful later on. This outcome challenges the thinking of many contemporary American parents who believe that children should be shielded from life’s difficulties. To the contrary, even biologically fearful children do better if their parents encourage them to conquer their fears. (Friel, p. 19)
Correction and instruction, rather than babying a child, gives him or her the confidence not only to perform certain tasks for themselves, but also how to learn to do new tasks. It enables them to overcome fear.
The other night I watched the PBS documentary on President Franklin Roosevelt. One of the most interesting parts of the biopic was the way his mother doted on him. He wasn’t allowed to bathe himself until he was 8 years old. He didn’t handle his own finances until 1941 when his mother died - only four years before his own death. All of his life before then she handled them. In fact, before moving into the White House, Roosevelt and his family lived in an adjoining brownstone with his mother. There were open doors between their homes.
What effect did being babied have on this famous man in history? After marrying (not surprisingly, against his mother’s wishes) he went on a 3-month long honeymoon to Europe his wife Eleanor. She was surprised by his frequent inexplicable nightmares. Was he suffering separation anxiety by being away from his mother for so long? The man who said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” was constantly afraid. By critiquing her letters psychologists concluded that FDR was driven to seek power because of his inner insecurities.
There is a better way to help your child achieve success in life: correction and instruction. Don’t make the mistake of babying them. Don’t let the children make the family rules. That’s the job of parents. Don’t let them run the show. Give them limits.
Don’t baby them. It’s the first worst mistake a parent can make.
Second worst thing parents do…
2. Put your marriage last.
I realize there are many single parents. We talked last week about how you are not second class. If you missed that message you can go online and read it, and if you want us to pray for God to send you a good spouse don’t be too proud to turn in a prayer request to that affect.
But if you’re married you need to remember that as important as children are, they are going to grow up one day and leave you, and hopefully you will still want to stay with your spouse. You don’t want to be an empty nest divorce statistic. You need to nurture and grow in your romantic relationship with your spouse while the kids are still home. Don’t think you can put the vitality of your marriage on the back burner while you raise your kids.
Here’s the wisdom God gave Solomon on this issue…
18 Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. (I don’t know why Solomon used wild animals to illustrate love but I guess back then it was romantic) Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. 20 Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman, or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman? Proverbs 5:18-20 (NLT)
The 5th chapter of Solomon begins with the king warning his son to stay away from promiscuous women. Most of us know that women who are willing to have sex with anyone are searching for security, not sex. We need to be like Jesus toward these women and offer our understanding but at the same time point them toward the truth that real security can only be found in a relationship with God.
One of the best ways to counterbalance the lure of infidelity and marriage break up, is to keep the fires of romance burning in your marriage. But…one of the biggest obstacles to husbands and wives enjoying the intimacy that God created them to enjoy is the presence of children in the home. Kids take up a lot of time to feed and clothe and train. But the Bible wisely advises us to not let marital closeness wane during the years of raising children.
So…you’ve got to have a plan. You’ve got to make time to be alone with your spouse. Date your mate! You gave one another complete attention before you were married, it’s called dating, and you need to keep it up!
Hire a babysitter, or trade babysitting responsibilities with another couple with kids, or get the grandparents or an older couple in the church to watch the kids, and get away regularly for a night to be alone. Don’t feel guilty about leaving your kids with someone else. Studies have shown that when a strong marital relationship is visible to the children they actually feel more secure and thrive in their personal growth! The opposite is true when the children sense that they are the center of the home. When all of the attention and all of the affection is fostered on them they actually become emotionally imbalanced! Child-centered families make neither healthy parents nor healthy children.
Spend time with your children but spend time alone with your marriage partner too.
Make children sleep in their own beds and have set bed times. Parents are the executives of the family. They make and have the right to enforce the rules.
Third mistake to avoid:
3. Push Your Child Into Too Many Activities
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NLT)
That’s not a verse from Proverbs, but Solomon wrote it. The book of Ecclesiastes needs to be investigated by a lot of people in our culture who are consumed with materialism, and trying to "have it all" and trying to pass this same twisted thinking on to their kids. Solomon learned the hard way that true satisfaction in life doesn’t come from “having it all” anyway – and he should know – he was the richest man of the world in his day and it didn’t buy him happiness.
So many kids today have very little or no free time. They are pushed to excel and exceed and be involved in so many activities that they grow up as imbalanced as their parents are. Overextended and worked to death they’re less well adjusted and frankly less happy. They’re lonely, emotionally neglected and burnt out at young ages.
We need balance here and that’s exactly what the Bible is calling for. There’s a time for every activity under heaven. There’s a time for sports and there’s also a time for the family to sit down to supper together at night. Do you realize that families sitting down to supper together has gone the way of the dinosaur? That’s not good, folks! Research has shown time and again that healthy "set" times of communication between parents and children builds lifelong bonds that build character and confidence in children as they mature into adulthood!
Next mistake, when you as a parent try to...
4. Be Your Child’s Best Friend.
"Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives." Proverbs 19:18 (NLT)
How many of you “discipline” your best friends?
H. Jackson Brown, the author of the best-selling "Life’s Little Instruction Book," wrote another little book based in large part on the wise teachings of his own father. One of the quotations from his father goes like this: “Fathers are pals nowadays because they don’t have the guts to be fathers.” (p. 95)
I like that quote not only because it highlights the tough job of parenting but also because of its insight. It’s good insight because it jives with the wisdom God gave Solomon. Solomon was like every other parent. He wanted his children to love him. But he knew that his love for his children meant that sometimes he had to man the unpleasant role of disciplinarian and not best friend. The Bible is not saying it’s not okay to be friends with your kids. But they need you to step up and be something more.
What happens when a parent tries to be their child’s best friend? It’s like a teacher that tries to get everyone to love them. My tenth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Seguine, was a great person - charming, friendly, smart. But our class was always in chaos because she tried to be everyone’s best friend instead of being the person in charge. In a healthy family, somebody is always in charge.
When parents and children have a weak boundary between them the result is chaos. Going to the other extreme of having a very rigid boundary between them is no better. Neither one of them is healthy. Children need to feel the safety of boundaries as well as the love of their parents in order to grow up emotionally healthy.
It may “feel” good for a parent to be their child’s best friend but it harms the child. If they get mad at your decisions you won’t break. It’s normal for people to be disappointed when we say “No.” Parents have to say “No” sometimes. (Practice saying "No" right now. Look to your neighbor and say, "No.")
Children need to learn sooner rather than later that life isn’t full of “Yes’.” Build your child’s self-esteem without making them think they’re the center of the universe. They’re not.
Children need structure from parents, not best friends. Which leads to the next worst mistake parents make:
5. Fail to Give Your Child Structure.
"When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful." Proverbs 29:18 (NLT)
"The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother." Proverbs 29:15 (NIV)
Notice the word “correction” again as we saw in the first point on babying your child. Along with “instruction” it imparts wisdom in the lives of our children. Left on their own without any guidance, without structure, children often naturally get into mischief. “A child left to himself disgraces his mother.”
Where do children learn self-discipline? Children learn internal structure by first experiencing external structure. Parents discipline their children as the foundation for them one day being able to discipline themselves.
Two Russian psycholinguists, Luria and Vygotsky, spent years studying how children’s inner speech develops and how children eventually use it to control their own behavior. According to their findings, parents give directions to their children such as, “Put the toy in the box,” or, “Watch for cars before you cross the street.” Children hear these attempts to provide structure and direction and eventually say these directions to themselves. Children can control their own behavior by talking to themselves using the script provided by loving parents and grandparents!
When we fail to give the structure of correction and instruction children go to the default mode when talking to themselves. What’s the default mode for all of us humans? We’re sinners. We want to do what feels good to us to do. We don’t naturally talk self-discipline to ourselves. Our natural inclination without any structure is to take the easy road, do what gives us immediate gratification. “I don’t want to put that toy back in the box so I’ll just leave my room a mess.” Then mom has to come along and clean up behind them. Some adults expect us to clean up behind them because they weren’t given structure as children.
Here’s another mistake we can make as parents if we’re not careful.
6. Expect Your Child to Fulfill Your Dreams
"The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old." Proverbs 20:29 (NLT)
Do you get what Solomon is saying here? There are advantages of being young that you don’t have as much when you’re old and vice versa. We don’t need to envy another age group because whatever age we are has unique advantages. Older folks have more experience and hence more wisdom than the young. Therefore parents should let their children fulfill their own dreams – or better yet – fulfill what God has laid out for their lives instead of trying to live their lives through their children.
One of the semi-finalists on this season of American Idol, David Archuletta, has a father who was recently banned from backstage by the producers of the show. Apparently he was too involved in his son’s competition. He changed the lyrics to one of the songs his son was to sing and added the lyrics of another song for one verse, leading the show to have to pay royalties for a second song they hadn’t planned on. I’m sure the show has the money but the incident represented a lot of other stuff that had been happening with this “over-involved” dad.
I don’t pretend to know this father’s motivations. But to me, he seems to represent a trend in our culture. Parents who get into verbal and physical fights with umpires at Little League games. Moms who push little girls into beauty contests so that they can receive praise through their kids or dads like Archuletta’s who go overboard – to perhaps get recognition for themselves (?)
Parents, children are not our property! They belong to God. We are only stewards to bring them up in God’s truth. We need to pray for and train them to follow God’s path for their lives, not our plan for their lives.
Perhaps you didn’t achieve every success you wanted to as a child. Don’t make the mistake of trying to push you child to do what you didn’t get to do. That kind of pushiness often breeds resentment and rebellion.
“Get a life” outside your child’s life. Build adult friendships and enjoy activities with people your age in addition to doing things with your children. Act your age. You’ll be happier and your kids will be better adjusted.
And perhaps the worst thing a parent can do:
7. Ignore Your Spiritual Life
"The Lord is more pleased when we do what is right and just than when we offer him sacrifices." Proverbs 21:3 (NLT)
This verse is chiding people who go through religious motions, like offering sacrifices for instance, that was something you could do if you were an Old Testament worshipper, but if we don’t really put our hearts into worshipping God our actions don’t please Him.
The previous verse says,
"People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart." Proverbs 21:2 (NLT)
A lot of parents are missing out on one of the greatest resources for raising good, well-rounded, happy children – being truly spiritual by following God and walking in His precepts from the heart.
"The godly walk with integrity; blessed are their children who follow them." Proverbs 20:7 (NLT)
If I ignore my spiritual life God can’t bless me as much as He desires to. If I overwork and become too busy to meditate and pray and serve God from my heart my attitude suffers and my relationships suffer – especially with my children. I’m not spiritually refreshed to have the strength and wisdom for parenting that comes from God.
The average American is too distracted to be truly spiritual. They not only suffer for it but so do their children.
If you’ve made this mistakes in the past ask God to forgive you and then forgive yourself. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Solomon himself wasn’t perfect by a long shot. But God’s wisdom is perfect.
Ask God to help you avoid these mistakes, especially if you have been neglecting your spiritual life.
If you don’t know Christ you can receive Him today. Let’s pray.
