I Promise: To make our marriage secure!
Opening Illustration: Marriage man clips from BluefishTv.com
Thesis: Promising to create a secure marriage between couples is the secret to developing a great marriage that will last a life time.
Opening Thought: Marriage has been under attack for centuries and we need to do our part –with the help of God – to secure our marriages. Listen to these following passages of Scripture addressing the issue of marriage and divorce: Remember they are over 2,000 years old.
Scripture Texts:
Malachi 2:13-17:
13Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’S altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
16“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
17You have wearied the LORD with your words.
“How have we wearied him?” you ask.
By saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them” or “Where is the God of justice?”
Matthew 19:3-9:
3Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
7“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
James 1: 2-5; 12-14:
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him…12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
13When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.
Introduction:
If you take the time to read these three passages of Scripture it will help you get a clearer picture of the constant assault on the marriage unit. American marriage is under attack by self-centeredness, selfishness, sinful hearts, hardened hearts, and evil desires. But if we desire to fight for our marriages and strive to make them secure we can have a marriage that will last a lifetime. We do need God’s help to win this battle and to secure our marriage units.
I hear a lot about the disintegrating marriage unit in America today from the news and from many other sources – we hear that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and this creates a luminous cloud over the act of marriage in America. But I want you to know that marriages in America - 50% of them are thriving. People really are living happily ever after -50% -of them love being married to their partner!
Readers Digest tells us: Alive and Well:
Inside the American marriage, love, honor, and laughter are still alive. That’s welcome news in an era of broken promises, a divorce rate hovering just below 50 percent, and dire predictions about the "death of marriage" as more and more couples live together and postpone the walk down the aisle -- or never take it at all. When Reader’s Digest asked married women and men across the nation in-depth questions about their attitudes and beliefs about marriage, the results were heartwarming and surprising. In this comprehensive survey, a total of 1,001 respondents said that deep down, they value trust, forgiveness, and good communication much more than whether the housework is fairly divided. Partners told us that fun, laughter, and spending time together are four to five times more important than sex. That they’d marry their spouse all over again. And that divorce isn’t the answer.
This is good news for us in an era that is becoming more anti-marriage. We are facing today the forces of change which are trying to force a new definition of marriage. Our traditional marriages are under attack as they have been since Creation but there is hope for marriage today! Listen to this article about the change impacting marriage today:
WHY MARRIAGE TODAY TAKES MORE LOVE, WORK - FROM BOTH PARTNERS: By Stephanie Coontz
“I once asked my students to review the marital advice books in our town’s bookstores and determine how many were based on actual research data and peer-reviewed studies. Only 34 percent - one in three - passed that test. One student went a step further and researched the family history of marital-advice experts. Half of them had been through a divorce, a track record no better than the non-experts!
Of course, there are many well-researched books that provide tested methods for improving a marriage. And divorced experts may even bring a special insight to their work because they’ve personally experienced how a marriage can go wrong. But the role of marriage in society and personal life has changed more in the past 30 years than in the previous 3,000, primarily because of the new opportunities for women to live independent lives. In consequence, everything we used to think we knew about who marries and how marriage works - and why it doesn’t work - is changing…Today, marriage takes more time, more love, more work, and more daily negotiation - from both partners, not just the wife - than it did in the past. There is no magic formula, weekend encounter, or set of "rules" that can bypass the hard work it takes to make a marriage succeed. The bad news is that if negotiations break down, there are few constraints forcing unhappy partners to stay together. Yet. if they could speak, a lot of couples who lived in the "old days" would tell you that this is also the good news.” (Stephanie Coontz is the author of Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage -Viking, 2005).
Today my message is based off of Dr. Gary Smalley’s book and curriculum called “I Promise.” In his book he challenges couples to make the 5 promises to one another which will make their marriage unit secure even in the midst of an insecure world. He notes that there are 5 keys promises that create security in a marriage and in a family. Today we are going to look at his 5 promises and I am also going to reword some of them to fit what I desire to communicate to you today about how to create a successful marriage. Our goal today is to create – to work at creating- marriages that are secure even in the midst of a changing culture. If we choose to follow these 5 promises and carry them out then our marriage will survive the assault which has been launched against them today. If we fail to make these promises to one another the reality check is- our marriages will crumble and fail.
So let me ask a question: “How many want to create a secure marriage that will survive a changing society and will last a life time?” If you have answered yes to this question then I encourage you to take notes today - so that you implement these principles into your marriage or into your future marriage. These principles will secure your marriages if you put them into practice!
T.S. – Let’s look at the 5 promises that we can make to one another to create a marriage that will last a lifetime and be secure in an insecure world.
I. I Promise to conform my beliefs to God’s truths!
a. In other words I promise my spouse and my family that I will align my belief system to God’s Word and to His value system.
i. Proverbs 4:23-27: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.
1. The word of wisdom from this Proverb is that we must guard our hearts from evil!
2. We must put up barriers to evil and allow the good to invade our hearts instead.
3. We need to have the right talk and the right thoughts – because our thoughts are what are placed into words.
4. The bottom line is this - watch what goes into you head, your heart and your life, keep sin out and allow good to infect your life positively.
ii. Matthew 15:18-20: 18But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ 19For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20These are what make a man ‘unclean…
1. What makes us sinners? Easy Jesus says! When we allow sin to come out of our hearts! But hear is a thought, “If we never let sin in our heart then it won’t ever come out of it!”
iii. Psalm 119:11: I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
1. God’s word tells us that God has hidden His word in our heart and we need to tap that word and let it out in our life and in our communication with our spouses.
b. Gary Smalley tells us “I can hardly overstate how life-changing it was to find that my beliefs, not my circumstances, determined my attitudes and actions. When I took my beliefs seriously and began to examine and change them, it did wonders for me by giving me a way to manage my emotions and form all of my actions. Look at some of the consequences of taking this belief concept into your heart and making it your own” (79).
i. You stop complaining about everything.
ii. You stop judging one another.
iii. You stop trying to change your spouse and your family members.
iv. You stop pointing the finger at your spouse and take responsibility yourself.
c. The power behind the decision to change your belief system and to align it with God’s values system.
i. What is a belief? According to Smalley, “Your beliefs create your view of reality” (85).
1. This means what you believe about your mate, whether it is true or not, impacts the way you deal with them.
a. If you have distorted views of your mate then your own view of reality will be distorted.
ii. So how does a belief affect you actions and your behavior?
1. Smalley says, “Beliefs are so powerful that they not only change your perception of life but also how you act in response to everything that happens to you” (87).
iii. When you believe in something you make it a priority in your life!
1. Priorities are an issue in the church today and David Wilkerson addresses this issue with the following thought from his most recent newsletter:
a. “A priority is the importance you place on something. And Christians who neglect prayer have perverted their priorities! Many believers pledge they’ll pray if and when they can find the time. Yet each week, seeking Christ becomes less important to them than washing the car, cleaning the house, visiting friends, eating out, going shopping, watching sports. They simply don’t make time to pray. Yet people were no different in the days of Noah and Lot. Their top priorities were eating and drinking, buying and selling, marrying and caring for their families. They had no time to listen to messages of Gods coming judgment. And so no one was prepared when judgment fell! Evidently, nothing has changed over the centuries. For most Americans, God remains at the bottom of the priority list. And at the top are income, security, pleasure, family. Of course, for many Americans God doesn’t even make the list. But that doesn’t grieve the Lord nearly as much as how little he’s valued by his own children!”
d. To make our marriages secure means we align our belief system and value system to God’s and we make that a priority in our marriage and in our family.
T.S. – The second way we secure our marriages is by being willing to be filled with the power of God’s Holy Spirit. This concept ties in with the first promise but goes one step deeper into God – we choose to allow His spirit to fill us to overflowing and this infilling empowers us to life the way God intended.
II. I Promise to be filled and fulfilled by the presence of God’s Holy Spirit!
a. When we choose to be filled with God’s Holy Spirit and with His presence then our mates our left off the hook for trying to be the ones who will make us happy and fulfilled in life.
i. Gary Smalley states, “Most couples enter marriage hoping to achieve happiness. And for each of us, that vision of happiness takes a different form…Disappointment hits most couples shortly after the wedding because each partner begins to see faults and chinks in the armor of the other… so your goal of finding happiness in your soul mate must be put aside until you change your spouse into the person you want him or her to be. You buy into the myth that will not die-that if your mate would change just a few key things, your marriage would be great” (108-109).
b. The reality check is our spouses are not God! They cannot give us fulfillment in life because that comes only from having the Holy Spirit living in us! Fulfillment in life comes from being immersed in the presence and in a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus.
i. The power source to fulfillment in life is connected to the Holy Spirit not marriage or to a spouse!
1. It’s the Spirit that brings freedom and fulfillment to life not another person!
a. Don’t miss this point!
ii. Gary Smalley states, “It may surprise you to hear that God did not design marriage as a place where we can get all of our needs met. In fact, nowhere in Scripture does he tell us that happiness, a soul mate, companionship, sex, or even love is the purpose of marriage. God uses marriage to accomplish His primary goal for all Christians –to be conformed into His likeness” (page 114).
1. Romans 8:28-29a: “28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son…”
c. God designed us to be in connection with Him and it’s this connection that gives us fulfillment and happiness in life not a mate!
i. Jesus tells us that we need to love the Lord with our whole heart, mind, soul and strength (Mark 12:30).
1. This is what fills the void of happiness and makes us complete – not a mate!
2. The truth is when we seek God first happiness is no longer the goal of life but God is the goal. An intimate relationship with God becomes the means to happiness and contentment with life.
3. Matthew 6:33 states, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
a. A happy fulfilled marriage that is secure is a byproduct of a life filled with the Spirit of God!
b. When we strive to put God in His rightful place He then in turn blesses us with the desires of our heart.
T.S. – Being filled and fulfilled in life come from the Holy Spirit and the next promise is connected to seeing that every trial that we face in life does have a lesson to be learned.
III. I promise to find God’s lesson in every trial of life!
a. James 1:2-5: 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
i. Have you ever really read this verse and meditated on the thought being communicated?
1. Trials will blow into our life for a purpose or for a reason – one of the reasons they will blow into a couple’s life is to help them to grow and mature in their faith.
2. James tells us that in these difficult moments in life we need to pray to God and ask for wisdom in how to handle the problem –the trial!
a. Most people don’t want wisdom from God in their trial. Instead they want a magical prayer to be prayed and then for everything to magically align into place without any work or effort on their part.
b. But we also need to read on into verse 12-16 because the trial that blows into our lives are usually created by our choices, our actions, our attitudes and –yes- even our sins!
i. James 1:12-16: 12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers.
1. James tells us to learn the lesson from the trial and then make the right choices as God leads you through this storm of life.
2. You make the right choice and choose to forsake the wrong choices that put you into the trial in the first place.
ii. Gary Smalley tells us, “Every log in your eye grows there from the seed of selfishness.”
1. He bases this thought off of Matthew 7:1-5: 1“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
a. Why is it we desire to always want to judge our spouses?
i. By the way when we do this we release trials and storms into our marriages!
ii. Maybe when I find myself in another whirlwind trial I need to stop and evaluate were my heart is and my attitude is?
b. We always want them to remove the speck in their life while we pretend that we ourselves have no 2x4 sticking out of our head?
c. We want to fix them and yet we don’t deal with ourselves and the result is selfishness is released into the relationship which is sin and this causes a whirl wind of trouble in the relationship and even in the family unit.
d. James tells us that God is not responsible for temptation it’s usually our fault because we have allowed sin into the marriage!
i. James 4:6: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
ii. Song of Solomon 2:15: “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are to bloom.”
T.S. – We all need to promise to keep sin out of our lives. We also need to learn the lessons from the trials of life. Trials come so as to mature us and we need to learn the lessons and then make the changes to our life and then move forward. We also need to learn how to communicate to each other in the context of marriage so that our marriage stays secure.
IV. I promise to listen and communicate with love!
a. Gary Smalley shares, “In my interviews of well over 60,000 women all over the world, I’ve learned that no matter what the culture, the economic level, or geographic location, all have one thing in common: the need for conversation. I ask them all the same question: ‘What would improve your marriage?’ I get the same answer time and time again: ‘If my husband would just talk to me more and share his heart, our marriage would improve.’ ‘What do you mean by talk and share his heart?’ I ask. And the answer is always the same: ‘I just wish he would listen and respond and understand when I share my feelings and not try to fix me or the situation.’ ‘You’re saying that if you had better, more meaningful communication with your husband, your marriage would improve?’ No matter what country I am in, the answer is always, ‘Yes!’ All over the world women complain that men do not talk to them enough” (163).
i. Smalley notes that research communicates to us that women talk 3 times more than men do and this attributes to part of the problem with communication in marriage (170).
b. But with the effort and understanding of both partners communication can be increased in a relationship.
i. Ephesians 5:21-31 tells us as husbands and wives the following:
1. 21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husband’s as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
2. If we really want to be what this Scripture calls us to be it means we have to make time for each other and communicate to each other in reverence for Christ himself.
ii. Smalley quotes John Gottman and says, a minimum of twenty minutes a day in true communication with each other decreases a couple’s chances of divorce and greatly increases marital satisfaction. He then adds, ‘Just twenty minutes a day listening and talking with your mate, understanding each other’s heart, and valuing each other’s words. Who doesn’t have at least that much time” (171)?
c. Gary Smalley shares with men a health reason why we should make time with our wives to talk:
i. Intimate talk increases a man’s chances of staying healthy up to 500 percent.
ii. It reduces his chance of heart failure and all of the major illnesses.
iii. It increases the effectiveness of his immune system.
iv. It increases his wife’s happiness and health.
v. It increases his wife’s sexual responsiveness to him (page 172).
T.S. – Promising to communicate with respect and love for each other is crucial to a secure marriage and it needs to be done every day. We also need to decide to serve each other in our marriages and make sure that we do not come to it with a selfish attitude.
I. I promise to serve you all the days of my life!
a. The truth is as couples we need to move from selfishness to service for one another.
i. Galatians 5:13: “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.”
ii. Philippians 2:1-11: 1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7 but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
1. Smalley notes from the Apostle Paul six areas which characterize true servant-hood:
a. Purpose: be united with Christ in purpose: with his spirit, love, compassion, and tenderness (vv. 1-2).
b. Motive: get rid of selfish ambition (v, 3). Become ‘Other-focused.’
c. Attitude: Humility (v. 8). God gives grace to the humble and opposes the proud (James 4:6).
d. Action: Consider others more important than yourself (vv.3-4). The greatest commandment is to love God and to love others as you love yourself (Matthew 22:37-39).
e. Position: Jesus took the lowest role (v. 7). He was a servant with a small “s.” The word doulos, or bondservant, means slave by choice. A doulos slave was set free and then willingly chose to remain in service to his master.
f. Sacrifice: Jesus was obedient to serve God to the point of dying for all mankind (v. 8). That is the ultimate example of servanthood (page 204).
Conclusion:
Do the “I Promise Constitution”– hand it out – have them pray about signing it! They are to sign it for one another and make the promise to secure their marriage units.
Summary of the 5 Promises to secure your marriage in an insecure world:
1. I Promise to conform my beliefs to God’s truths!
a. In other words I will obey God’s Word and live like He directs me to live!
2. I Promise to be filled and fulfilled by the presence of God’s Holy Spirit!
a. I allow myself to be filled with the Holy Spirit and let my spouse of the hook for fulfilling my life!
3. I promise to find God’s lesson in every trial of life!
a. I decide to learn from the trials of life and to take my responsibility for the trial and then decide to change in the process to make my marriage secure.
4. I promise to listen and communicate with love!
a. I commit to learning to communicate and act like the Lord God Almighty does with love and respect. I learn His love language and then speak it to my spouse.
5. I promise to serve you all the days of my life!
a. I pledge to serve like Jesus did so that our marriage will be secure and so that it will be a marriage that lives happily ever after.
