Bill and Anabel Gillham give a list of the qualities a man needs in a wife. A Need For: faithfulness, for submission to his decisions, for encouragement when things go wrong, to be consulted for advice in making decisions and plans, to be confronted about flesh patterns. A man needs a wife with moral standards, who recognizes him as her spiritual leader, who respects him and lets others see that she does and a wife who is his partner in life. All these needs are very important to a husband’s well-being.
However, there are three specific male needs which are the most significant of all. The husband has a unique need for praise. The husband has an innate need to be head of the home. And last, but not least the husband has the need for marital physical intimacy. Each of these needs is related to an area of our unique makeup as a creation in the image and likeness of God.
In creating man God created them as a spirit, with a soul and a body. The needs that each of us has is related to the way we’re created. There is one area wherein both husbands and wives needs are exactly the same. It’s in the area of the spirit. And in that area they have one identical need. But when we depart from the spirit area and move into the other areas, we’re wired differently and have different needs. So today I want to look at meeting your husband’s needs in light of the three areas of our makeup. First of all let’s look at:
I.Meeting Your Husband’s Need in the Area of the Spirit
Now, this is the one area wherein both husbands and wives are the same and have one identical need. The need is to know Jesus Christ. Both husbands and wives, in fact all men and women have a deep need to know Jesus Christ intimately. When it comes to men and women the most important need of all is spiritual. And the most important aspect of that need is knowing Christ. The reason I say this is through marital struggles, we will all pass through some deep waters. In fact, Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you.” He doesn’t say, “IF you pass through deep waters, but WHEN.” Deep waters will come to each of us, it’s just a matter of when. We’ll have many trials and tribulations both in life and in marriage, so that in them and through them we need to come to know the sufficiency of the Lord Jesus Christ to meet our every need. You experience that through a deep intimate personal relationship.
The story is told about the testimony of Doug given at a Lay Witness Mission. After introducing himself as Doug, he continued, “I’m very wealthy, so much so that I became bored with taking care of all my assets and hired someone to do that for me. I decided to pursue something else in life. I went back to school and got my doctor’s degree in biology then became a professor at a university in Texas. Well soon that became boring to me and I determined to pursue something else in life, so I decided to become a Christian. I went to the library and read a lot of books on the subject. I then aligned myself with a local church and because of my prestige in the community I was immediately placed on many important boards. It was no surprise to me when the pastor called one day and said, ‘Doug, we’re going to conduct a Lay Witness Mission in our church. Would you chair the committee to prepare for the team’s visit?’ And as a matter of course I said I would.”
Predictably, Doug did a super job in his preparation and now the weekend had arrived when all the lay people were converging on his church. On Friday night, the church members divided up into small groups of eight or ten people and one of the lay witnesses went with each group to a small room to tell about their relationship with Christ. Along with several other members Doug was assigned to a small group. He continues his testimony by saying, “As we were walking back to our assigned room, I began to evaluate the young man who was going to be sharing with us. He was very obviously a common, laboring man. He even had oil under his fingernails as if he might have been a mechanic. I began to think, I really should be in charge of this group. I’m quite sure that I could handle it much more effectively than he could.” They got to their room, sat down and the young man began talking. Doug said, “As he began to share about his relationship with Christ, I became intensely aware of something: That young man KNEW the Jesus that I was merely informed about.”
The point is, we have a need to know Jesus intimately and so does our spouse. Information won’t suffice when the deep waters of life and marriage threaten all you and I hold dear. And after the initial experience of salvation, A.W. Tozer says there comes, “the glorious pursuit of knowing Him.” When it comes to the needs of men and women the most important of all is spiritual. the most important aspect of that need is knowing Christ, which takes us far beyond the assurance of a future heaven. As we know Him, we become more aware of His presence in us. We become more able to allow Him to live His life of agape through us and meet the unique needs of our spouse. Remember, agape is doing the most constructive, edifying, redemptive thing possible for another person. To do so, let’s look to another area of need in your husband’s life:
II. Meeting Your Husband’s Need in the Area of the Soul
There are two significant needs of the husband in the area of the soul. One relates to the emotions and the other relates to the mind. First let’s deal with the unique need of the male that relates to the emotional aspect of the soul.
A. The husband has a unique need for praise
One of the husband’s most important needs is praise. Husbands need the praise of their wives and it’s a need that begins early in our lives. Now as a general rule all children respond positively to praise. But as they get older, little boys will risk life and limb for female praise. A boy learns early on that female praise is life putting gas in his car or a match to his charcoal. For instance, there’s a little six-year-old kid. He’s hanging by his heels from a limb in the apple tree. Who does he yell at to come out and see him? Mom! “Hey, Mom C’mere!” Let’s look in on this boy at age ten or so. He’s weaning himself off Mom and developing an interest in ten-year-old girls. he can’t hang in the tree and holler, “Hey girls, look!” That would be uncool. So instead, when he sees the girls approaching, he gives them his best tree-hanging routine complete with sound effects to attract their attention. Then he imagines that they are thinking the same thoughts his Mom used to express: “Wow, look at that!” He gets that same good feeling and it reassures him that they think he’s a hunk.
Once he’s in high school the whole process gets more sophisticated so tree hanging is out. High school women expect something more spectacular so our young man becomes an athlete. He sweats blood on the football field and when he finally gets his letterman’s jacket he practices looking, walking and acting cool in front of the mirror. Once he masters this, he strolls down the halls of the school in his jacket basking in the admiring glances of the girls. Hey, when the camera zooms in on the guy who scored in an NFL game, what does he say? “Hi Dad! “ NO! “Hi, Mom!” We males need female praise, especially from the female we love.
Wives, praise is a ministry. Sadly, many Christian women seem to fall into the practice of “piously” picking their husbands to pieces. Somehow, they’ve convinced themselves that if they point out every flaw – past, present and future – the finished product will be a flawless husband. Not so! Your husband needs to feel that you’re proud of him. He needs your praise. The Amplified version says of Ephesians 5:33b, “…And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband – that she notices him, regards him, honors him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.” We men need female praise, especially from the female we love. God created all males with a specific need for female praise. We were born with it. And wives, it’s your ministry!
B. The Husband has a need to believe he is head
Husbands need to believe that they are the head of the marriage relationship. I need to believe in my mind that I’m the leader in my marriage. Now, that’s not to say I merit this position. It’s a need I have and when Kathy allows me to be the head it gives me a sense of importance in our relationship and helps me believe I’m needed. I need to believe I’m necessary.
Of course, at the outset we have to acknowledge the fact that we’ve often blown this part of our role and our marital relationships have suffered. Too often men have the attitude, “Male redbirds are prettier than female redbirds; I’m bigger than you are; I can throw a rock further than you can; I know which way is north; therefore you ought to recognize me as your authority.” That goes over like a lead balloon with wives. No place in Scripture do we read, “Husband see that your wife submits to you!” One of the great deterrents to wifely submission has been the autocratic, unloving, insensitive clod known as the evangelical Christian husband. The matter of submission is between a woman and God. The husband’s role is to love her so much and so consistently that she is drawn into the holy condition known as submission.
The husband was created to be head of something and the wife is elected. But just because he was created by God to be the head doesn’t mean that he’s better than you are. It’s just that you were created with different roles and different needs. Husband and wife are to fit together as one and to do that you must work at meeting one another’s needs. Submission is a ministry to your husband and when you view it that way, it becomes more palatable as opposed to being obligatory. In fact, it takes the sting out of submitting when you see in Scripture that husband and wife are equal. Your relationship is the same as Jesus’ relationship is to the Father. Jesus is the Father’s equal, but He totally submits to the Father’s authority over Him. This is expressed in Philippians 2:6-8. They’re equal, but they each have different roles to carry out in their relationship.
Some wives choose to resist their God-ordained role and try to control their husbands. But a wife can either encourage her husband in his God-pgiven leadership role or fight him for it. There’s no way that any woman can do what is required of her in her marriage. But as a wife allows Jesus Christ, who indwells her and who is now her very life to perform through her, He will meet this need in her husband beautifully. Thirdly:
III.Meeting Your Husband’s Need in the Area of the Body
Wives, your husband needs to believe that you chose him out of all the men in the world to be just yours – and that you think he’s very masculine, very strong, very capable and you love him more than ever. God created the need for marital physical intimacy and He intends for married couples to experience pleasure in this aspect of His creation. He views this act and it’s holy before Him. Keeping this in mind will allow us to enter into the act of marriage with fewer inhibitions.
Now wives, it’s quite common for women to use this area of relationship to control or manipulate. Too many have the attitude: “If you’ve been very good, I’ll reward you in the bedroom.” But if you’ve not sufficiently met my needs, I may develop a headache, complain about my back or how tired I am. That may not be you allowing Christ to live through you.
Also let me mention that wives have a responsibility to work at keeping physical attraction alive in marriage. Physically, the wife should be appealing, available, agreeable and aggressive (at times). There are some bad habits that damage good marital physical relations. A wife can damage the physical relationship by being: slovenly or lazy, undisciplined and disorganized, careless with money, careless about her physical appearance, or being a nagging, demanding, dictating woman.
One thing I might mention about husbands to you wives is: Because men and women do view this area of marriage differently there aree different reasons why he may come home with the need for marital physical intimacy. He may well have see a curvy female on the way home or a coworker could have dressed seductively that day at work. Praise the Lord, he comes home! He may also come home with a passionate need because his boss chewed him out at work, or because his coworker got promoted, or because a project at work was a success as well.
Wife, what does your husband need? He needs YOU, his wife to assure him that he’s still “the greatest.” He needs to believe that you chose him out of all the men in the world to be just yours and that you think he’s very masculine – very strong, very capable and you love him more than ever.
Males aren’t all that complex in their needs, but their needs are very intense. I’ve only mentioned the three specific male needs that are the most significant. The bottom line is that you allow Christ to life out His life through you to meet your husbands needs.
Much of the content of this message series came from the study of the Manual “He Said, She Said” by Bill and Anabel Gilliam available as a download from their web site www.lifetime.org .
