Someone has said, “A woman marries a man thinking she can change him. A man marries a woman thinking she’ll never change.” Men and women have similarities and differences. In fact, entire volumes have been written on this subject. The following story about a young couple will illustrate what I mean.
A young couple, very committed to the Lord are engaged to be married. It’s past midnight and they’ve been to a movie. He has tenderly kissed her good night and he’s heading down the walk to his car. The young man is praying, “Oh Lord, I want to thank you for giving me strength to keep my physical desires under control all during our dating. You know it hasn’t been easy! There are still two more weeks Lord, until we get married and that means two more weeks I’ll have to restrain myself. I know your grace is sufficient, but if you could just let these two weeks zip by I’d certainly be grateful!”
Now let’s look in on the bride-to-be. She’s standing inside the house with her back against the door, his kiss warm on her lips, an enraptured look on her face. They had eaten popcorn out of the same bag at the movies and to her this was such an intimate, special experience that she slipped one of the kernels into the pocket of her sweater so she could press it in her diary. She’s praying too: “Oh Lord, what a marvelous, glorious evening! What bliss!, as she kisses the kernel tenderly. In two wonderful weeks we’ll be marrie3d. These are going to be the most glorious two weeks of my life! Let me live each lovely experience to the fullest, sot that I’ll be able to remember every precious moment.”
When the two weeks pass, the guy finally gets his princess into the castle and raises the drawbridge. His attitude is: “All right, let’s get on with this thing! Rain on that popcorn routine!” Guys, we’ve got to get it through our thick heads that when it comes to women, we’re dealing with “popcorn-type people.” This leads me to the first need of wives in Christian Marriage:
I. A Wife Needs TLC in Christian Marriage verse 25
A woman needs tender, loving, care in Christian Marriage. So let me elaborate on what TLC means from a wife’s point of view.
1. TENDER – communicates gentleness. Your wife needs you to be tender to the touch, not rough. She needs you to be tender in the way you look at her. Sometimes a husband’s eyes communicate anger or hostility or frustration. She also needs you to watch the way you speak to her. Wives would say, “Speak tenderly, please.” The fact is, sometimes a man’s voice can sound gruff even when he doesn’t intend for it to. One wife tells her story in a letter. “When my husband came home from work yesterday, the house was a wreck and the kids were driving me wild. When I told him I just couldn’t handle it, do you know what he did? He took me out into the laundry room, put his hands on my shoulders, looked down into my face and said very quietly, ‘Now, just calm down.’ Then he put his arms around me, pulled me against him and just held me for five whole minutes without saying a word. I can’t explain to you how good it felt to be in his arms like that. I began to slowly relax and escape from my stressed-out world. Then he said, ‘Now let’s tackle this and see if we can get those little “buzz saws” fed and into bed early tonight. Then we’ll get a sitter and you and I will go to that quiet little pizza place and be together, just you and me.’”
Many men develop the macho mind-set during childhood and never stop to see how destructive it can be. A physically big man may consider it beneath himself to be tender; a physically small man may be too threatened to be tender. A plain vanilla man may have been “trained like a bird dog, that to be tender is to be a sissy. “Don’t ever cry. Don’t ever let your feelings show.” However, we men need to understand that women thrive on tenderness. And it not only causes them to respect our masculinity all the more, but to admire our sensitivity as well. The second part of TLC is:
2. LOVING – The word love here is “agape,” doing the most constructive, edifying, redemptive thing possible. Loving means understanding or at least making an effort to understand her thoughts as well as her behavior. It means recognizing her ability to do certain things and encouraging her to do them. It also means that when you recognize that she’s uncomfortable in doing certain things, you shouldn’t force her to do them.
Loving also means remembering special days. Even more so, it means making very difficult or tedious days easier. For example, let’s say that a wife’s mother died on September 12th last year. You could put an “x” on your calendar at work. Then you might do one of several things, according to your personality and financial condition. You might call during the day and say, “I was just thinking about you. I know today is going to be difficult. Can you take some time to have lunch with me?” Or, “Hey, let’s not cook tonight – we’ll eat out.” Sending flowers would be another way a husband could help to make that difficult day a special day. Flowers communicate a tender and thoughtful message. Your wife will appreciate your being a part of her life in this way and it’s so easy to do with a few red “x’s” on your calendar.
3. CARE – communicates respect. It means treating me as a person worthy of dignity and honor. Care means that you allow others, especially her family and her children to see you caring for her that way. It also provides protection – the kind of protection a person would give to a very rare and precious gem. She needs those things. They make her feel special. Protection, attention, closeness without passion, security safety from the “cold north winds” that blow about the marriage, encirclement in arms that are strong all show you care about her. That’s what women are asking for, longing for, and praying for. Are their men listening? This leads me to the next need a wife has in Christian marriage:
II. A Wife Needs Communication in Christian Marriage
In marriage seminars a particular couple consistently asked the women to complete this statement, “I wish my husband would love me by . . .” Over the years they saved the replies and produced a list of the “Top 20 Ways.” At the very top are the needs of communication. Even a lady in her late seventies changed her response form a little by writing, “I wish my husband would have loved me by listening to me.” No matter how long we live, women never outgrow the need and desire to be listened to. Communication doesn’t come easily. It takes a lot of time and commitment. And the truth is, very few people like to listen. Too often, the first statement the listener hears brings to mind a comment he wants to make and that’s about as far as the two-way conversation goes. Listening is largely a lost art. But one of the most important ways a wife feels loved is when her husband listens to her.
We men need to learn to listen between the lines. A couple was attending a conference in a city near the ocean. It was Sunday afternoon in October and you know what that means – football! Their schedule was full and that afternoon was the only time they would have to explore and enjoy the beach. The wife approached her husband and said, “let’s go for a walk on the beach.” “I’m watching the game, the Cowboys are playing.” But we won’t have another chance, our schedule is so full.” “I’ll tell you what – why don’t you go walking and I’ll watch the ball game.” And he did, and she did! She later readily confessed the walk was not at all like she had hoped. It was more of a “regaining-her-composure” walk than a lovely, hand-in-hand stroll down the beach she had envisioned. We husbands typically don’t come factory equipped to hear what our wives are actually communicating. She was really saying, “Love me today by strolling down the beach with me hand in hand.” He didn’t hear that message. We must learn to read between the lines, men!
A wife needs her husband to communicate with her on an emotional level. She wants him to be willing to reveal his feelings and to become vulnerable. A female is generally a people-centered person – and intuitive, emotional creature. She longs to share those deep inner thoughts and feelings with her husband. In other words, she wants him to be her best friend. Is this difficult for a male? Most definitely! Is it worth it? You bet! It’s not that a woman simply wants to talk about herself, although that’s important at times. She wants to know her man’s deep feelings, his dreams, his hurts, his doubts, his secrets. That’s what establishes a very intimate oneness and wives need that just as husbands need to be praised and respected. Finally:
III. A Wife Needs Noticing in Christian Marriage
How long has it been since you have said to your wife, “You look so pretty tonight, Sweetheart?” How long since you’ve noticed her hair on the day when she comes home from the beauty shop? How long since you’ve told her just how much you appreciate all the things she does to make your life more comfortable? A woman needs that kind of noticing. She really does want to wear her hair the way her husband likes it, but now will she know unless you say, “I love your hair that way.” She wants to dress for you men, to please us, but how will she know if you don’t notice her and say, “That’s my favorite color on you. Wives need that kind of attention from their husbands and not some other man!
A woman tells her story of “Playing A Dangerous Game.” “My story begins very innocently at church. Our young married couples meet together on Sunday evening and on this particular Sunday night I had been asked to present a small part on the program. When I finished I went back and sat down by a young man whom I’ll call Don. He leaned over and whispered to me, ‘You enjoy doing things like that, don’t you?’ I looked at him and said, ‘Why, yes. How did you know that?’ Don said something that every woman loves to hear from a man. He was saying, ‘Oh, I think I understand you.’ A man who understood me or was even interested in trying to understand me . . . I liked that. I wasn’t getting any understanding at home from my husband. When we would gather for church after our meeting, I would always arrange it so we would sit by Don and his wife. He didn’t mind. We were playing a game.”
“I began evaluating his relationship with his wife. If she were talking to me and Don entered into the conversation her whole countenance would change, and she would be gruff and hateful with him. I never shall forget the night we were having a spaghetti supper at our house. I was standing by the stove stirring the meat sauce. She was standing there talking with me. Don came up and slipped his arms around her waist. She flung them off and said, ‘Get away from me! You bother me!’ You can easily see that Don was not getting his needs met, I was not getting my needs met and we were embarking on an exciting new adventure together. Don was very aware of me. I made all my own clothes. I could work on a dress for weeks and even have my husband check the hemline, but still he wouldn’t notice enough to say anything nice about it or me. But, I could always count on Don. He would see me at church and say, ‘Hey you have on a new dress. It’s very becoming.’
I needed noticing. But it all came to a screeching halt one Sunday evening. Don and I were walking by ourselves over to the church building. My husband didn’t care where I walked or who I walked with. He was with a group of people telling his “funnies,” and they were laughing at him. I didn’t laugh at him. Nothing he did was funny. It hurt! Don said to me with a very intimate tone in his voice, “you look so pretty tonight!” Women can recognize an intimate overture and I didn’t want that. I wanted attention, not intimacy. So in an effort to lighten a heavy scene I said, “Oh, Don you just see me on Sunday when I’ve really tried to look my best. You should see me some Monday.” He said, “I’d like to. May I?” The game was over for me. I didn’t want to go any further. But Don found another woman who was hurting as badly as he was hurting and two marriages ended in tragic divorces.
Husbands – wives are saying, “Please be aware of me.” For your awareness and in conclusion – you remember I mentioned that list of 20 Top Responses to, “I wish my husband would love me by . . . “ Well, I’ve got that list for you to take home with you husbands. But first I need both husbands and rives to respond to my Post-Test Survey. Husbands this will help you meet your wife’s needs in Christian marriage.
Much of the content of this message series came from the study of the Manual “He Said, She Said” by Bill and Anabel Gilliam available as a download from their web site www.lifetime.org .
