What If They’re Wrong Series Exodus 20:12 “Planned Parenthood”
We’ve been looking at the Ten Commandments in a series called "What If They’re Wrong."
So far we’ve looked at the first four Commandments.
These first four Commandments deal with our relationship with God.
Once Jesus was asked by an "expert" in the law what the greatest commandment was.
Jesus summed up those first four commandments and placed what was at the heart of those commandments into one profound commandment.
He said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind;"
(Matthew 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27)
That’s the essence of the first four commandments.
Our culture says we don’t need God - that we can do just fine taking care of ourselves
What we’ve seen over the last four weeks is that we do, in fact, need God.
We need God because He not only gave us as standard to live by, He is that standard.
We need God because we travel down some dangerous paths in our search for fulfillment in life.
God provides all the joy, peace, and fulfillment we could ever hope to achieve.
We need God because He is a relational God.
His name describes His character.
He is a personal and loving God who desires the best for His creation.
He’s a God who gave the best for His creation.
We need God because we need someone good and wholesome to focus on as we live in the rat race of life.
We need God.
Today we start looking at those commands that focus on our relationship with each other.
When Jesus was giving his answer to that "expert" in the law, he went on to say that the second great commandment was similar to the first, "...Love your neighbour as yourself."
These next six commandments teach us how to relate to each other.
This morning we’ll look at the fifth commandment, "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."
It’s not by accident that the first commandment dealing with our relationships with each other focuses on the family.
God ordained the family, so family is extremely important to him.
There’s an old Jewish story about a Rabbi who was sitting next to an atheist on an airplane. The Rabbi’s family was also on the plane. Every few minutes, one of the rabbi’s children or grandchildren would come by and him ask if he needed anything - more food, a blanket, etc. The atheist remarked, "The respect your children and grandchildren show you is wonderful. Mine certainly don’t show me that kind of respect." The rabbi replied, "Well, think about it for a minute. To my children and grandchildren, I am one step closer in the chain of tradition to a time when God spoke to the whole Jewish people from Mount Sinai. To your children and grandchildren, you are one step closer to being an ape."
The command says that if we honor our father and mother we will live long in the land the Lord our God is giving us.
Have you noticed how mobile our society is these days?
I don’t think we’re getting the promise attached to this command.
Fact is, we don’t honor our fathers and mothers.
In fact, we don’t really honor anybody!
Our culture says we don’t have to.
Our culture tells us that we must do whatever is in our best interest.
We are individuals.
We don’t have to answer to anyone.
Our culture tells us to answer the question, "What’s in it for me?"
If there’s nothing in it for me, then why bother?
But God says you need to ask, "What’s in it for somebody else?"
That’s hard for us to do, but the result of not asking and acting on that question is that we have raised a culture that has no respect for anything or anybody.
Respect is a learned trait.
It doesn’t really come naturally.
I want to share with you two causes of lack of respect in our culture today, then I want to share with you some tips on how to regain the respect of our children.
I. Over-discipline causes lack of respect.
What I mean is this: how much discipline is enough?
My father’s idea of discipline, when I was spanking age, was to smack me 25 times with a belt. I had to count each one. He gave me 3 tries to get the next number out. If I "struck out" he started over. Now, I’d almost always get to 23 or 24, but just couldn’t seem to get that number 25 out of my mouth. At some point he’d stop, but I can tell you I was in pain for days. When I was past spanking age, he would send me to my room for a month at a time. I usually didn’t have a clue what I’d done wrong. That’s over-discipline.
I grew up with no respect for my father.
But, the Bible doesn’t say we can get out of honoring our parents just because they are harsh.
It’s a command - just do it.
We like to blame everybody for just about everything.
I could have blamed my father for my lack of respect, and I did for many years.
God dealt with me about that lack of respect, but it wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that I got the message and asked my father for forgiveness over the rotten attitude I had towards him because of the way he disciplined me.
There’s a fine line between discipline and abuse.
I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up with Bob Greene’s article in the Tribune Chronicle about a 3 year old named P.J. Bourgeois.
He was tortured and killed by his father and his father’s girlfriend.
The story has focused on the "rightness" or "wrongness" of letting these two people out of jail early.
Bob Greene clearly thinks it was wrong, and so do I.
Listen to some of the article:
READ FROM THE PAPER!!! (Sorry, I’ve lost the article)
That’s abuse, but parents constantly use that and similar tactics to "keep their children in line."
That’s rotten parenting and it causes children to have no respect what-so-ever for anything or anyone.
II. Under-discipline causes lack of respect
What I mean is this: follow through.
There must be consequences for wrong behavior.
Those consequences must be fair and immediate.
When I was in seminary housing I had a slight altercation with a neighbor. His son threw an apple and hit my son in the face, just below the eye. I yelled at the boy from my back porch not to ever do that again. He could have put my son’s eye out. My son’s safety was my primary concern. Another neighbor heard me scolding this boy and told the boy’s father. The boy’s father got our pastor involved and I was brought before the father, the neighbor who reported the incident to the father, and the pastor. Each of them told me I was in the wrong for yelling at this child. I gave them two facts: 1. I was quite a distance from the boy. I yelled at him to be heard primarily; for rebuke secondarily. He needed to hear that what he did was wrong, but I really had no authority to discipline him. 2. His son threw an apple and hit my son in the face. He could have put my son’s eye out. His response, "We don’t eat apples...it must have belonged to your son."
As a result, his son suffered no consequences for his wrong behavior.
This father did not even indicate to his son that he did anything wrong.
My son and I were the bad guys.
And this father let his son know that we were the bad guys.
That’s what happens when a parent continually takes his child’s side without listening to all the facts.
Surely MY child couldn’t have done anything wrong!
When all the facts are on the table, and the child is clearly in the wrong, that child must be disciplined.
What happens when a 2 or 3 year old hits another person?
Well that child must have been provoked!
What do you do when that child hits you...and you are his or her parent?
What happens when a child gives his parent an emphatic "NO" when he’s told to do something?
Telling that child not to hit just will not do the trick.
Ignoring the child’s "no" or rationalizing that child’s behavior as "normal" or "just a phase" will result in life long behavioral problems that will get worse and worse as that child ages.
The behavior must be stopped before it has a chance to bloom, otherwise that child will never learn to respect anything or anyone.
It leads to what Pastor Reb Bradley calls "a child-run home."
A child-run home is one in which all decisions are made or influenced by the children.
Parents in a child-run home will often be heard saying things like:
"My child just won’t put up with that..."
"She refuses to..."
"He just won’t eat..."
"We can’t go there or do such and such...he will be bored."
"We won’t be able to go...She doesn’t do well in those situations."
We’ll have to find a new church. Junior just doesn’t get along well with one of the boys in his class."
"We’ll have to change teachers or schools. Little Jane doesn’t like Mrs. So & so."
"How can I get my child to..."
(Reb Bradley, "Child Training Tips", 1995, pp20-21)
If you can relate to these statements, try to visualize what your child will be like at 16 years old if he continues in the path he is currently on.
Over-discipline and under-discipline are actually not discipline at all.
Either you are a bully or a woos.
You are not worthy of honor, and your children will certainly tell you.
But, there is always a way back.
Even if you’ve blown it for years you can still regain the respect of your children.
You can put some things into practice that will make your children desire to honor you.
It might take years and it does take work and self-discipline, but it can be done.
III. Some tips on earning your children’s respect
(Reb Bradley “Child Training Tips, 1995, pp23-25)
1. Cause your children to obey your word.
If you continually threaten, but don’t follow through with discipline, you will lose your children’s respect.
Ultimately you will become contemptible to them.
Consistent consequences must follow all disobedience.
2. Don’t allow your children to "fight" or argue with you.
If they are in that habit already, you must take appropriate steps to stop that behavior.
Remember this - it takes two to argue.
You are the parent - don’t argue, don’t reason, don’t continue the conversation.
As the parent you have the authority to say "The conversation is over."
Leave the room if you must, but don’t argue.
3. Don’t use your size and authority to tease your children.
Don’t say, “I’m bigger than you. You better do what I say.”
If you misuse your authority you’ll lose their trust and respect when you later try to exercise your authority.
4. Watch out for the "Camp Counselor Syndrome."
Parents who try to be their child’s buddy or pal are like the stereotypical camp counselor who gets close to the children, but isn’t taken too seriously when exercising firm authority.
Parents who try to be their child’s pal often find the child begins to resent them when they exercise their authority.
They need a parent they can look up to.
5. Aim for their respect - not their love.
This is a tough one because we all want our children to love us.
But, those parents who need their children’s love are crippled in their parenting by their own insecurities.
Because insecure parents seek their child’s love and approval to feel good about themselves, they cannot offer strong leadership.
Their efforts to give their children firm discipline and training are hampered by their efforts to gain acceptance from them.
Children enjoy the power it gives them when they sense their parents’ need for their approval.
We must remember that we are the ones in charge of the home.
We don’t need to apologize for the exercise of our authority.
We don’t have to answer to our children.
We aren’t accountable to our children.
We don’t need our children’s approval for our parenting.
Why is it so important that we have our children’s respect?
We don’t learn well from those we don’t respect.
Our job as parents is a big one - to train our children in the way they should go, so when they are old they will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
Our culture has a more profound effect on our children than we care to realize.
They have turned away from this command.
We can bring them back.
