Pastor’s Note: Just before this message, we had the ladies on the praise team sing their own rendition of “Stand by Your Man”.
Stand by your man. That might sound a little chauvinistic in today’s culture, but I have to tell you, when a man treats his wife the way the Bible says she should be treated, I don’t think I have ever met a woman who wouldn’t want to stand by that man.
Ephesians 5:22 (MSG)
22 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.
Guys often want to sight verse 22, where the NIV says Wives, submit to your husbands. They need to read on to verse 23-24.
Ephesians 5:23-24 (MSG)
23 The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.
24 So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
This is the biblical instruction that Paul offers to wives. Guys, he offers us instruction too and if we will do our part, it will be much easier for your wife to do hers. Our part begins in verse 25.
Ephesians 5:25-28 (MSG)
25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.
26 Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her,
27 dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.
28 And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already "one" in marriage.
Ladies, can you stand by your man when he loves you like Christ loves the church? Of course you can. You’ll be amazed to see what can happen when you follow the directions for relationships that are found in God’s Word.
Ephesians 5:33 (MSG)
33 And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
This morning I want to talk to you about Marriage that goes the distance.
When I began working on this message I decided I was not going to bore you with statistics that you have already heard. There is no need to shock you with the incredibly high divorce rate in America. You know it is a crisis.
There is not one family in this room who has not been affected by divorce. You may come from a broken home; perhaps you have been divorced yourself, or members of your family have been through the tragedy of a divorce.
We are not here to beat up on anybody who has been divorced. But I think it would be a shame if we didn’t make clear the fact that God’s standard for marriage is one man and one woman for life.
Matthew 19:8 (NLT)
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended.
We also need to admit that divorce is not the unpardonable sin and we want to be loving and redemptive to those whose lives have been impacted by a broken marriage. The good news is you don’t have to be a statistic and if you have been a statistic for divorce, my prayer is that God will speak to your heart today and equip you with tools that will enable you to have a healthy, happy marriage in the future.
My goal today is to examine some of the key characteristics of marriages that go the distance. What does it take to have a marriage that lasts 40, 50, 60 years or more? And yes, I believe it can still happen even in our enlightened, relativistic, post –modern world. Gods plan for marriage has not changed. Then at the end of the service we’re going to recognize several couples in our church family who have demonstrated that it can be done.
Every wedding I do still includes the vows, “till death do us part.” So the question is, how do we do it? How can we establish and develop marriages that last a lifetime? And I should point out that I am talking about healthy, happy marriages, not relationships that are endured for a lifetime. Nobody wants to be miserable.
Right after Laurie and I got married I told her, “If you ever leave me, I am going with you.” That’s worked for us! She has never left. Neither have I. That’s because we made a commitment for life; We said, “until we are parted by death and we mean it.”
I wonder, if divorce were not an option, do you think people would take marriage more seriously? I do. But when we keep divorce on the table as a possibility, it hinders our willingness to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.
I know some of you will think of additional principles that I might have overlooked. Several principles overlap with others. You may think of exceptions to the things I am about to share with you. Instead of looking for loopholes or exceptions, I want to invite you to sincerely consider these principles, individually and as a couple. When they are applied, they can make a very positive difference in any marriage.
Marriage is not just about finding the right mate, it is about being the right mate.
Ingredients of a happy, healthy, biblical relationship:
1. Christ is central.
After more than 22 years counseling with couples in troubled marriages, I am convinced now more than ever that putting Christ at the center of the marriage is the wisest and best thing you can do if you want to develop a marriage that will go the distance.
I know that there are marriages that have last 50 years or more without Christ, between non believing couples and even where the marriage consists of one believer and one nonbeliever. But to have the best possible relationship between a husband and wife, I am convinced that Christ will be central and God’s Word foundational in that marriage.
It is amazing what can happen when you follow the directions for relationships that are found in God’s Word. And this doesn’t apply only to marriage. It applies to all of life. With Christ at the center of your life and at the center of your marriage, the closer you both get to Him, the closer you get to one another.
2. Unconditional Love.
Healthy marriages that go the distance are characterized by a loving commitment that is based on a decision not a feeling. I choose to love and I choose not to love.
Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…
Do you know how Christ loved the church? He loved the church when the church was unlovely. He loved the church when the church was unlovable. And Christ loved the church when the church did not love Him in return. That is unconditional love.
Guys, if you will learn to love your wife the way the Bible tells you to love her, she will be with you to the end. Why would she ever leave a relationship where she is loved like the Bible tells us to love our wives? This is the kind of love every woman needs.
Some people make it sound like love is a hole you fall in when you are walking down the street. I choose who to love. I choose who not to love. I choose when to love. Love is not a feeling. It is a decision and it is a decision that anyone of us can make.
I’ve said it so many times before. Life is not complicated. It is about choices and consequences. Marriage is the same way.
You hold your marriage in your hands. What it becomes is your choice. It is your decision. I realize it takes two to make a marriage. But when a husband and wife decide that they want to make their marriage work, it can be done. I have seen it happen. And one person can make a difference when they decide to do their part, because even that decision can have a very positive affect on your mate.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Paul describes love from the perspective of character. Notice the positives traits he mentions; patience, kindness, truth, care, hope and perseverance.
He defines love as the absence of envy, boasting, pride, rudeness, selfishness, anger and unforgiveness.
Love is based on what we are, not what we say or feel. And love is a choice, especially unconditional love.
3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
You might be surprised what would happen to your marriage if both husband and wife started treating each other with a little respect.
Why is it that we often treat everyone on the planet with more respect than we do the people who we say we love the most?
Learn to value one another. This applies to every relationship in the home, but this morning we are focusing on marriage. It’s about living by the Golden Rule.
Matthew 7:12a (MSG)
12a "Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them.
If this principle was applied in every marriage, divorce lawyers would be out of business.
4. Commitment.
Couples whose marriage goes the distance are couples who have made a solid commitment to make their marriage work.
You have to want a marriage that will go the distance and be willing to invest the time, energy, and commitment that is necessary to make it happen. And let’s be honest about it, strong marriages are no accident. They don’t just happen. They are a result of a commitment on the part of two people.
Interview the couples who have been married 40, 50, 60 years and longer and you will find that when they said, “for better or for worse,” they meant it.
“Till death do us part” was not a meaningless phrase in a marriage ceremony, but a promise that they made for life.
This is so basic. We have to learn to do the work needed to develop and nurture the most important relationships in life. And apart from our relationship with Christ, the most important relationship on planet earth is the relationship between a man and wife.
A commitment to make the marriage work will involve a significant commitment to investing the time needed to make the relationship work.
5. A significant investment of quality and quantity time.
Some of you are too tired to make your marriage work. Again, I say, this is the most important relationship you will ever have on this earth. Don’t give it the leftovers when it comes to time. Marriages need high quality time and they need large quantities of time.
Single? - If you are going to give more time and energy to your career, your hobby, etc., do yourself, do your spouse, and do your future kids a favor and don’t get married.
Your marriage needs quality time and your marriage needs significant quantities of time. And your spouse deserves time. So many people have sacrificed their marriage for stuff or success. They invest all of their time in other, less important places. Don’t do it!
There is nothing on this earth that is more important to me that the lady sitting on this front row. She means more to me than any church, any house, any car, or any material thing. She is more important to me than any other person in the world. I would NOT trade our relationship for anything. I love to spend time with her.
To value your relationship like you should means you will be willing to invest the time needed to make it healthy and to keep it healthy.
I am blessed and thankful for a wife who values our relationship as much as I do and we are both willing to do whatever it takes to keep it healthy, alive, and growing. That is made possible in part by…
6. Healthy communication.
When communication breaks down so do marriages.
Proverbs 12:18 (NLT)
18 Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.
James 1:19b (NLT)
19b Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
How many times have you been quick to speak, slow to listen, and quick to become angry?
Can you imagine how much more respect you show your spouse and how it might increase effective communication if you would just learn to listen? What if you would seek first to understand, then be understood?
A woman came into the office and said, “My husband doesn’t listen to me any more.”
The counselor said, “How do you know?”
“The other day I told my husband that I had decided to be cremated and he said, ‘OK honey. Get your coat and let’s go.’”
We have to work at effective communication. I don’t have time to get into it now, but I am convinced that men and women speak two very different languages. You say one thing and your wife hears something entirely different. Make sure you listen and understand what is really behind what your spouse is really saying.
Communication is two-way. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. We don’t always need answers. We aren’t looking for solutions. We just need someone to listen.
Healthy communication is a desperate need in marriages today.
7. A commitment to growth (individually and as a couple).
You will either grow up or you will grow apart.
In a marriage that goes the distance, both the husband and the wife have learned the importance of putting the other first, which is a sure sign of maturity. Selflessness is a sign of growing up.
When couples get married they are often very immature. Not just chronologically, but relationally, emotionally, and in many other ways.
I have sat in counseling sessions that have been little more than a sophisticated version of two elementary children fighting in the sandbox. Maturity is a key factor in a healthy marriage. In your marriage you’ll have to grow up and learn to be unselfish, and think of the other person, or you’re going to grow apart.
Saying you are incompatible is often just another way of saying you’re immature. Learn to put your mate first. Learn to listen to them. Learn to love them unconditionally. Grow up and quit being so selfish.
We live in a very self centered world. I believe marriage is one of God’s primary tools to teach us unselfishness, sensitivity, sacrifice, and mature love. We are to actively put our mate first.
Philippians 2:2b-5 (CEV)
2b Live in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person.
3 Don’t be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves.
4 Care about them as much as you care about yourselves 5 and think the same way that Christ Jesus thought.
8. Effective conflict resolution.
Colossians 3:19 (NLT)
19 Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
Ephesians 4:26 (NLT)
26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
These verses offer great counsel for any married couple.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)
11 So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
In marriages that go the distance both husband and wife have learned healthy methods of conflict resolution. Anger is typically not a healthy form of conflict resolution in a marriage. There is often too much anger and too little encouragement.
Again, it helps to follow the principles for marriage and relationship that are found in God’s Word.
I heard about a guy who had a disagreement with his wife. He was telling a friend how after their argument his wife had come to him on her hands and knees.
The friend was shocked. “She came on her hands and knees? What did she say?”
She said “You come out from under that bed right now before I have to come under there and get you!”
That’s not healthy conflict resolution!
Learn how to work things out together. I am convinced that every person in this room can do it if you want to. The fact is, some don’t want to. But for those who decide it is worth it, they can figure it out with God’s help. And don’t be afraid to ask for help.
9. Physical intimacy.
I won’t linger long here, but Christians sometimes struggle in this area. Men and women have different needs, but when communication is what it should be, and you are willing to put your partner first, this can be one of life’s great pleasures.
Great sex is a gift from God when it takes place in the proper context. Sexuality has been so perverted in our culture. We have made sex a dirty word.
It’s not dirty. Not the way God intends it. It’s good! Too many people have settled for a pale imitation of what true intimacy is all about. They have missed God’s best.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “if you don’t do the following, you husband will surely die; ”Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. At lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don’t burden him with household chores. Make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. “You’re going to die,” she replied.
10. Have fun!
Learn to have fun together. What was it that brought you together in the first place? What did you enjoy together? Where did you like going together? Life has a way of squeezing the fun right out of you and right out of your marriage.
Laurie and I just got back from 6 days away. We had all kinds of fun. What kinds of fun you may ask? That’s none of your business. I will say that we laughed more than we had laughed in quite a while. That’s because we were away from the demands, and pressures, and responsibilities that are all a part of life. Have fun together.
Pastor’s Note: At the conclusion of the service we had a DVD that featured the engagement and wedding pictures of 14 couples in our church who had been married for over 50 years. We provided a complimentary copy of the DVD to each couple. I closed the service in prayer thanking the Lord for these examples of faithfulness and praying for marriages in the church to go the distance.
