Note: Full PPT Slides and color booklet are free to download from www.TeAtatuBaptist.com
Slide # 1
Into
The
Blender!
8 weeks of practical, down to earth tools and resources for families, step-families, divorce and remarriage!
Week Three
Removing Guilt and Shame
and Discrimination too :-)
Slide # 2
Traditional farmers in the out-backs of desert wastelands would build fences around their cattle in order to ‘keep them in order’.
Gradually, over the decades a new type of farming evolved.
No longer did the farmers use fences to restrain their cattle, they built beautiful ‘watering holes’ with luscious greenery and shade to attract the cattle to stay where they belonged.
Slide # 3
Because of the ‘freedom’ and attractiveness of this new style of farming, the necessity of fences and boundaries was removed.
Instead of forcing the animals to stay where they belonged by using fences and boundaries, the farmers actually removed the fences and gave the cattle freedom to come or go as they pleased,
…and by providing the right atmosphere and provisions, the end result was healthier cattle who wanted to stay within their confines, with better offspring and less effort put into maintaining the expensive fences and boundary lines in the first place.
Slide # 4
Some farmers however, could not adjust to this new way of thinking, and being afraid of loosing control, or their cattle straying into neighboring farmers ‘attractive’ pastures, actually built their fences higher and stronger.
My brothers and sisters, all of whom I love dearly, this story is an example of legalism and grace, of the Old Testament and the New.
It is also a story about you and me, about the views the church has held on divorce and remarriage, and the ‘spirit of grace’ that is sweeping a new generation of believers today, right around the world!
As hard as it is, we need to understand that within three years, by 2010, divorce, remarriage and blended families will be the norm within our society and church, outnumbering first-time or biological families!
If we want to reach these families for Christ and see them ministered to, and ministering within our churches, we need to address this reality ‘head on’ and learn all we can about it.
Today’s workshop is titled:
Slide # 5
Removing Guilt and Shame!
and discrimination too :-)
Extensive studies have been done to determine where the majority of guilt and shame is felt, or comes from – in regards to divorce and remarriage, within blended families.
And do you know what the number one source of guilt and shame is identified as coming from?
Slide # 6
You guessed it – from the Church and Christians!
Instead of building fences to keep the cattle in, we are building walls to keep the cattle out!
I also dare to suggest that the prejudice and discrimination against divorced and remarried couples is so powerful that it may have even affected how Bible Translators interpret the words of the Bible to reinforce these feelings within its readers.
I love you enough to overcome my ‘unbearable’ feelings of upsetting people, and do my role as a pastor and Bible teacher – to challenge you towards freedom and wholeness.
Before we continue, let me share something of the insidious nature of discrimination.
When we are prejudiced, we do not usually know we are prejudiced!
Slide # 7
What a prejudiced person does, is give him or herself permission to proclaim that they are right in what they believe (about Scripture or a subject) but they do not allow other people who think differently – to also have that same right.
A mature Christian, or person – actually has the ability to hold tightly to long held convictions, but allows other people to also hold strong, but different convictions – without ‘kicking up a fuss’ or building their walls higher in the process.
And what I have just taught you, is a key ingredient to a healthy and successful marriage and family life!
You see, marriage and family life is created, ordained and blessed of God.
But you know what, even God’s original kids got in trouble, rebelled against Him, and had a murderer for a son!
But, never the less, marriage and family life is HIS idea to bless HIS creation and to allow US to live in peace and harmony.
Families ARE the building block of society.
One husband, one wife and one family for life – with every person living under the Lordship of Christ!
Slide # 9
Because, if you break apart a family, you break apart the very fabric of our society and church.
From the outset, let it be said, and written down in black in white, that I do not condone (agree with) divorce.
But even if your spouse has been unfaithful to you and your marriage vows (and they confess it, and desire to stay married to you), I would counsel you to work through the issues of repentance and forgiveness rather than separate or divorce.
And if today - you are playing with sin and either involved in an affair, or looking for one.
Please don’t.
Because you are only hurting yourself and the ones you love.
You will regret it, in one way or another.
Here’s the thing, people who divorce – miss out on a wonderful opportunity to grow and mature as a person, to resolve deep issues within their own hearts and lives.
But you know what? Often times the divorce is out of our control, and we have little say in the process.
Along those lines, please turn in your Bibles to Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Allow me to share some of the views I have held on Divorce and Remarriage from Scripture, and then offer an alternative.
In fact, although my study has gone a lot deeper, let’s just look at two Scriptures from the Bible that ‘sum up’ the entirety of both sides of the coin.
Malachi 2:16
Matthew 5:31
Malachi 2:16
"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel.
There it is in black and white – amongst a whole host of other things:
Slide # 10
God HATES divorce!
How does that make you feel to hear this – especially if you are divorced yourself?
And if you do SIN by divorcing, then according to Matthew 5:31 – you MUST remain single for the rest of your life, or else you will be committing adultery and living in even MORE sin than the divorce put you into!
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
From these passages, we could conclude that God hates it when people divorce, and if they do divorce – they must remain single, but if they remarry, they are committing adultery and sinning, so they either remain single, or marry into sin.
In America, divorce amongst Christians is higher than non-Christians!
So, according to the Bible, the majority of Christians are living in perpetual sin!
No wonder there is such discrimination against the divorced and remarried within the church!
No wonder it is difficult to get the majority of Christians and non-Christians (who are divorced, remarried or living within blended families) to come to church.
And no wonder the majority of people alive on the earth today, including Christians and non-Christians are looking for alternatives to what the church has to offer, even to marriage.
According to the Bible, it’s a justified prejudice we can have against the divorced and remarried!!!
And no wonder they are ‘excluded’ from many leadership or ministry positions!
I mean, who would have an adulterous sinner leading a homegroup or serving on the board or eldership!!!!
Slide # 11
But thankfully, we have 1 John 1:9, where we can ‘confess’ our sin of adultery, repent and receive the Lord’s forgiveness, even if this means continuing to live within the ‘sinful’ remarriage or blended family situation.
Now, I fully respect those who believe this teaching, and hold passionately to this theology.
In my past, these have been my views as well.
But let me offer you an alternative by looking at each of these Bible passages in a different light.
Let it be said, that I am open to change, and being corrected. I only ask that you hold this attitude as well.
What we need to realise, is that we NEVER read or interpret Scripture in a vacuum.
The understandings we have of specific Biblical teachings and doctrines ARE the accumulation of the views, interpretations and influences we have been taught throughout our lives.
A good example of this is our doctrine of the Trinity of the Godhead, and where this is directly taught in Scripture.
Fact is, - it isn’t.
And once we under this, we can begin to see that there are many influences – godly and good influences – upon the way we interpret, understand and apply specific doctrines of Christianity.
Including divorce and remarriage.
So, let’s look again at these two verses.
As we do, we need to remember that divorce is painful – and even more painful if children are involved.
I do not condone divorce, but neither do I condemn it!
I will never give you a reason to divorce, but what I do want to do, is remove some of the discrimination associated with it.
Let’s turn to Malachi 2:16 and read it from the most accurate translation (in this case), the KJV.
Slide # 12 – Scripture below
For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that He hateth putting away:
Notice the absence of the word ‘divorce’!
It is replaced with the more accurate translation of the Hebrew word, ‘putting away’ – which is entirely different than divorce!
We must understand, that the NIV and the KJV are in direct opposition with the use of these two different words – ‘putting away’ and ‘divorce’.
They do NOT mean the same thing, and in my opinion the KJV in this instance – has got it right!
‘Putting away’ simply means – to separate and remarry without divorcing!
So, why does God hate it when a husband only ‘separates’ from his wife and tries to marry another?
Because according to the ‘Jewish’ law, they are still married, and if either of them goes and marries another person, they are committing adultery – because they are still married to their first spouse!
But the main purpose of this verse, was to help remove the prejudice the Jews had against the female gender, who were treated as ‘dogs’ in their society.
Because if a man left (Puts away) his wife but did not divorce her properly, she had no legal power to do it herself,
…and as such, she would not be allowed to remarry – because she is still married to the husband who left her, and therefore she would be committing adultery if she married again!
This is stated in Malachi 2:9
"So I have caused you to be despised and humiliated before all the people, because you have not followed my ways but have shown partiality in matters of the law."
The law (OT Bible) states in many places that if a man has good cause to divorce his wife, he can do so by writing her a certificate of divorce.
Ouch. I honestly don’t like that.
Interestingly, Jeremiah 3:8 says that this is exactly what God did when He ‘divorced’ Himself from Israel and married into the Gentiles!
Did God sin and do the very thing He hates and commands us NOT to do?
No!
God does not hate divorce, He hates it when men ‘put away’ (leave) their wives by having an affair and remarrying, and leave their poor wife in a position where she is unable to do the same – because if she did, she would be just as bad as her husband, and committing adultery – because legally she is STILL married!
If we could only understand this simple historical and cultural fact, ALL the other teaching on divorce and remarriage would make sense,
Slide # 13
…and help us appreciate more the One who turned to those accusing a woman caught in adultery and said, ‘Let those amongst you who have not sinned, cast the first stone!’
Let me reinforce the point of these verses.
They are NOT designed to promote divorce, but realizing that divorce is common (more common than marriage), and the affect this has upon the ‘innocent party’ (in this case the wife) the Bible is releasing the wife from the injustice placed upon her by her ‘cheating husband’!
Let’s look again at Matthew 5:31 from the KJV
It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away (remember what this means, it is NOT divorce, but failing to complete the divorce proceedings properly!) his wife, let him give her a proper writing of divorcement: (Make sure you complete the divorce proceedings properly!) so that she also is free to remarry!
32 But (The Greek word should be translated – Therefore - )Therefore, I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife (without completing the proceedings), saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
(Now hang on, where on earth did the word ‘divorce’ come from! You see, it is exactly the same word for ‘putting away’ - but here the translators have decided to interpret it as ‘divorce’ and therefore causing a whole theology that was never intended!)
It should read:
Slide # 14 – Scripture below
Whoever separates from his wife – with the intentions of marrying another woman, let him complete the divorce proceedings properly – thereby also releasing his wife from the marriage - otherwise whoever marries this woman will be causing her to commit adultery according to the law!
But again, this verse it NOT intended to promote divorce, but by acknowledging it happens, and to support our female gender, who were, and still are, treated like second rate citizens in Eastern countries!
Can you see how the interpretation or misinterpretation of just one single word has caused such a wrong attitude to exist with the church of today, making us think that divorced people must remain single or commit adultery by remarrying!
When in reality Jesus is trying to release us from this misunderstanding and injustice!!!
I think you might need some time to process this properly.
Honestly, I can hear the ‘gears grinding’ from where I stand!
Many Christians have rightly identified the suffering of divorce – but have wrongfully labeled it the ‘sin’ of divorce – with Scriptures to confirm it.
Divorce is not a sin, but the actions behind it can be, and often are.
Remarriage is not always committing adultery, providing the divorce has been completed and resolved properly.
But let me tell you this: If you are a man or a wife who has divorced
your spouse because it was ‘too hard’ or you ‘lost interest’ or found
someone else.
You indeed have committed a great and harmful sin, and God will
hold you accountable for the pain you have caused.
UNLESS however, you repent of your sin, seek forgiveness and
reconciliation with the ones whom you have hurt.
Slide # 15
Divorce is never an easy option, especially when children are
involved.
Many times, divorce creates more problems than it solves, and has
ramifications last a life time.
Listen to a direct quote from one of NZ leading Christian counselors
on the topic of divorce:
After many years of working with marital and family breakdown,
I’ve yet to see one that couldn’t have been prevented…, that’s right,
none of the divorces that are currently destroying lives and eroding
our society by damaging our children’s character were inevitable, all
were preventable!
So, what today’s workshop is teaching you, is that not matter where
you are in regards to the challenges of marriage and family life,
1. Married and considering divorce
2. Remarried and considering a divorce
Don’t do it!
By all means, God is NOT glorified within an unhappy marriage, but
the answer is to get help and heal the marriage, not break it apart.
But if you have divorced, you fall into one of perhaps two
categories.
1. You divorced but it wasn’t your fault
2. You divorced and it was your fault
Interestingly, surveys done on those who have divorced, show that
over 95% of divorced spouses honestly believe it was the other
person’s fault that the marriage ended (even if they had an affair!)
Regardless of who was at fault, you need to come to terms with the
issues involved, repent of your part, ask forgiveness and receive the
abundant grace and life promised by the Lord Jesus Christ!
Ultimately, there is only ONE source to where you can go for the
removal of guilt and shame.
And that is to the foot of the Cross, upon which hung our sacrifice in
the person of Jesus Christ.
I still remember the day, as a
young teenager, that I gave my
heart and life totally to the Lord
Jesus Christ.
Slide # 16
Sunday 11th September 1982
Let me share how my feeble words have tired to explain it:
It is a complete, total and utter surrender to the Almighty God –
coupled with the absolute assurance of the cleansing of every wrong
thing you have every done, plus the deep serenity of knowing without a doubt that if I were to die, I would instant y be with God in heaven! It is like bathing in waves and waves of unconditional love and acceptance.
At the conclusion of our Study Booklet for today, are a list of
practical keys and tools to help you deal with guilt and shame within
your own life, or the life of others within your family – blended or not.
But for now, allow me to close with the same verse we began with:
Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Slide # 17
You see, decades ago, traditional farmers in the out-backs of desert wastelands would build fences around their cattle in order to ‘keep them in order’.
Gradually, over the decades a new type of farming evolved.
No longer did the farmers use fences to restrain their cattle, they built beautiful ‘watering holes’ with luscious greenery and shade to attract the cattle to stay where they belonged.
Slide # 18
Because of the ‘freedom’ and attractiveness of this new style of farming, the necessity of fences and boundaries was removed.
Instead of forcing the animals to stay where they belonged by using fences and boundaries, the farmers actually removed the fences and gave the cattle freedom to come or go as they pleased,
…and by providing the right atmosphere and provisions, the end result was healthier cattle who wanted to stay within their confines, with better offspring and less effort put into maintaining the expensive fences and boundary lines in the first place.
Some farmers however, could not adjust to this new way of thinking, and being afraid of loosing control, or their cattle straying into neighboring farmers ‘attractive’ pastures, actually built their fences higher and stronger.
Let’s pray together.
Help for all people within relationships to deal with guilt and shame, especially the divorced, remarried and blended families.
What messages have you received from the church that have hindered your journey towards healing and freedom?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
In what ways do you feel unworthy of God’s grace and forgiveness?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Look up 1st John 1:9 in a Bible, and write it out:
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Guilt and shame, whether real or imagined is a very serious issue arising from any broken relationship, especially marriage and family. Let’s begin with a very real and practical situation, that of a daughter of around 5 years of age. (You can change the genders of all people as you desire.)
From the divorce of her mum and dad, not only can she feel betrayed or abandoned by her father, but also from what her father represents to her – the first male of significance in her life – and this sense of betrayal can affect her security towards men, even her future husband, for the rest of her life – unless dealt with and resolved.
That’s why the divorce rate amongst children from divorced/broken families is higher than those who did not experience these things.
Then - added to the insecurity comes the feelings of more betrayal as she is expected to form an attachment with her step-father (the very man who is attempting to replace her REAL father in her life, or at least in the life of her mother!)
Can you see the spiral of guilt and betrayal she can experience?
She feels, by being expected to ‘like’ the ‘new man’ in the family/mother’s life - that she is betraying her real father – but he was the one who betrayed her in the first place!!!
Honestly, this can create a viscous spiral of guilt and betrayal!
If you find this hard to understand, or confusing – and you are an adult, imagine how hard it is for this little 5 year old to cope with, understand and resolve. Truth is, many do not. You have the opportunity to make a difference in the life of your child by reading this study booklet.
The good news, is that healing and freedom from the destructive spiral of guilt and betrayal IS not just a dream, but entirely possible, and a reality for you to receive.
Without wanting to ‘preach’ to you, I must highlight again the immense release it is to come to Christ and experience His love and forgiveness. It is not a magic cure, and life will still be hard at times, but a deep inner peace and love will grow and develop within your life, and the life of your children and family.
However, not all people, or children – will become Christians. But there is still hope and tools available for them too!
The first step is understanding these things yourself and helping your child to also understand them.
Understanding how a child has, or might have felt abandoned and guilty for the expectations placed upon her.
Healing can result from the initial awareness of this, as it is discussed with her/him.
Talk to your child, in a non-threatening manner. Affirm that the divorce was not their fault, and why it was not their fault. Better that you tell them the truth than allow their imaginations to turn inward. Remember the age of your child, and don’t try to destroy the love they have for the other parent.
Assure your child that the ‘new man/woman’ is not replacing their real father/mother.
Allow your child to express emotions and frustrations.
Get them to draw pictures or paintings that express how they feel.
Invite them to draw the family, the new family, or to express how they feel by splashing color all over the page!
You might need to lead by example, and do it as well.
For a child whose whole sense of security and boundaries have been shaken, you need to offer lots of reassurance and comfort. Healthy reassurance and comfort.
Grandparents can be the ‘rock’ that holds their shaky world together in the midst of parenting or family storms. Encourage this, and allow it to happen.
Encourage your child to keep a ‘diary’ or daily journal of feelings, emotions or thoughts. This can be a ‘picture’ diary, with cut-outs from magazines, drawings or photos.
Use this ‘emotion chart’ available from www.TeAtatuBaptist.com (Teaching) to help them express emotions.
Be aware of recurring dreams they may be experiencing, and if possible record and interpret them in a Christian Dream Log, again available from www.TeAtatuBaptist.com (Teaching)
In a nutshell:
· Understand your child, and help them to understand the situation too.
· Assure, and reassure your child.
· Talk with them, laugh with them, play with them.
· Invite them to express themselves, through drawings, paintings, journals, and using the Emotional Face Chart.
· Be aware of dreams, and be open to explore them too.
