OVERCOMING THE FOUR “F”s: (UN)FORGIVENESS
INTRODUCTION:
There is a tremendous cancer in our lives that is eating us from the inside out. It is a cancer that penetrates deep inside each of us, sapping our strength, sucking out our joy, and spewing forth its poison in our veins - the poison of anger, bitterness, regret and squashed hopes. What is this cancer?
It is the cancer of un-forgiveness! Frederick Buecher puts it this way:
Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your
wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your
tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor
to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain
you are giving back - in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The
chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The
skeleton at the feast is you. (Wishful Thinking)
Is it, then, any wonder that critical, unforgiving people tend also to be guilt-prone people - and vice versa - people who struggle with guilt feelings are usually critical of others and tend to harbor resentment? By the way, if you yourself struggle with a critical spirit – you know it, don’t really like, but just can’t seem to help it – then I suggest you listen extra-carefully this morning and strongly consider that the core disease just may be unresolved issues of unforgiveness.
Friends, this cancer of unforgiveness is eating away at our hearts, our minds and our relationships! It is stealing our joy, our energy, and our hope! It must be stopped? But how?
The only way to eradicate this cancer is to. . .FORGIVE. Dr. Archibald Hart defines forgiveness as: “Surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me.” Forgiveness is BIG! It can also be quite evasive and difficult for us to wrap our minds around the concept – it is so contrary to our nature and raw emotions.
Illus: “Greased Pig” champion at Barclay Farms. Forgiveness is often like that greased watermelon in the pool. It’s hard to get a grip on it. The harder you try, the more you squeeze, the more slippery it gets. Every time it is dropped it becomes increasingly more difficult to grab onto again. We must wrestle for it, and there are always others who will try to take it away and prevent us
completing the task.
Christian therapist and author Everett L. Worthington, Jr. describes it thus:
People use the term “forgiveness” loosely and mean different things. . .
It is more than just relinquishing judgment to God or simply accepting the hurt
and letting it pass. True forgiveness occurs when those cold emotions of unforgiveness are
changed to warm, loving, compassionate, caring, altruistic emotions resulting from a heartfelt transformation. Forgiveness is both an act and a process. It could be compared to canceling a debt. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile; it takes only one to forgive. (Soul Care Bible, pg. 1520)
What, then, is forgiveness? Archibald Hart defines it as “surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me.” The Grief Recovery Institute presents one of the best definitions I have encountered. It has helped fundamentally open my eyes to true forgiveness. And I have seen it work similarly with many others!
Forgiveness Is Giving Up The Hope Of A Different Or Better Yesterday!
This is true no matter how you may have been hurt, violated, betrayed, disrespected, abused or abandoned (physically, emotionally or spiritually)! In every case, big or small, recent or long past, minor or major, the greatest obstacle to our recovery through forgiveness is the refusal to give up the hope that the offending occurrence had been different or better. As long as we continue to dwell on these things, we imprison ourselves to the unchangeable past and bind ourselves with the heavy chains of old emotional and spiritual scars: anger, bitterness, hopelessness, pain, regret, guilt and perhaps even revenge. Sometimes, we direct these emotions to our offender and sometimes upon ourselves.
We MUST forgive, no matter the situation and regardless of whether or not there has ever been any apology, recompense, punishment or reconciliation. Why?: I Forgive . . . That I Can Be Free!
So how do we find forgiveness and how do we forgive?
Illus: A Sunday School teacher had just finished a lesson on Christian living. “Now, Billy,” she asked, “tell me what we must do before we can expect to be forgiven for our sins?” Without hesitation, Billy replied, “First we gotta sin.”
Billy has a point there, but then what? Let us look to God’s holy Word.
SCRIPTURE I:
BACKGROUND: It all began with the disciples arguing about who would be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Jesus responds by warning about leading others to sin, and telling the parable of the lost sheep about how God will go to great lengths to pursue even one who is lost in sin. Jesus then continues to present a strategy for achieving conflict resolution with one who is thought to have sinned.
At this, point we pick up with our text: Mt. 18:21-35. [Read dramatically with running commentary]
v.21 Peter’s problem was surely actual. You try living with twelve other people
day in and day out and not have someone’s weakness get to you!
Peter was here asking Jesus what was the acceptable point where you have taken enough, been patient and tolerant enough, showed enough grace and don’t have to
forgive anymore. Some Rabbinic teaching of the time held that forgiving
someone 3 Xs was all the law required. Peter carried this even further to 7 Xs
- the perfect number. Yet, as we’ll see, that still isn’t enough!
v.22 Jesus’ response is equivalent to saying infinity. There is NO ceiling or limit!
He then goes on to illustrate. . .
v.24 A talent was the highest currency in the economy. 10,000 was the highest number in 1st Century arithmetic. The highest number of the highest currency. Literally speaking 10,000 Talents = approx. 10 million dollars adjusted for today!
v.26 Rather absurd claim. Patience to pay back 10 million $$$? Not in a lifetime!
v.27 YET, the King shows mercy and forgives the enormous debt!
How would you feel just then?
v.28a 6,000 Denarii = 1 Talent. 1 Denari = approx. 1 day’s wage, say $100. So 100 denarii (the amount in question here) = $10,000. A modest car loan. Could reasonably be paid off in a few years or less. And 1/1000 what the slave owed to the king. Imagine begging to be forgiven a debt of $1,000 and then turning around and severely threatening someone who owes you $1!
V.29 This time, plea for patience is a reasonable one, yet contrast the reaction!
v.34 Compare the two. Whether the sum is millions of dollars or a few dollars,
forgiveness is ALWAYS costly! But always remember, the cost of forgiving others is nothing
compared to God’s forgiving us or the cost He paid for us - His own humiliation,
torture, and death on the cross!
Now think of someone you have had difficulty forgiving. How would it help to compare their actions to what God has forgiven you for? And what can we conclude about those who profess faith yet do not forgive? Is it not evidence of one who does not truly understand or appreciate God’s mercy and what He has done for us?
v.35 And note here what happens to our spiritual freedom and our fellowship with God
When we are critical and unforgiving. It is greatly restrained. If we don’t
understand or appreciate His mercy, how can we have a strong relationship with
Him?! If we don’t know the depth of His forgiveness, how could we understand
His love or openness and trust Him?
Unforgiveness in someone who has never experienced God’s forgiveness may be understandable. But what can we say about an unforgiving Christian?
Leviticus 19:17-18
Matthew 6:12
SCRIPTURE II:
Consider this principle in the life of Joseph. A man who as a lad was first beaten by his own brothers and thrown into a pit to die, only for them to decide instead to sell him as a slave. Yet many years later, when Joseph ascended to the seat of power in Egypt and held the life of these same brothers in his hands, what did he do?
Genesis 45:4-15
In relation to Joseph’s example, one commentator, Allen P. Ross, writes:
Reconciliation comes through forgiveness and forgiveness through the recognition of God’s sovereignty. When the one who has been wronged can see things as God sees them, can perceive as God planned them, and can communicate that understanding as the basis for compassion and forgiveness, then reconciliation is possible. But anyone who bears a grudge or hopes to retaliate has not come to appreciate the meaning of the sovereignty of God. And without forgiveness . . .
no reconciliation.
But what about when we can’t see things as God sees them and perceive as God planned them? That, my friends, is when we agree to give up the hope of a different or better yesterday. Let it go and trust in God’s sovereignty!!!
SCRIPTURE III: EPHESIANS 4:31-32
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
APPLICATION:
But HOW do we forgive? Everett L. Worthington, Jr. proposes what we calls “the Pyramid Model to REACH forgiveness.”
R = Recall the hurt.
Ill: A 5-yr.-old boy one day was playing with his 2-yr-old brother when the 2-yr-old reached up and yanked his older brother’s hair. He screamed inpain and his mother came rushing in. He cried and said that his younger brother had pulled his hair. His mom siad, “well, he’s only 2 and he doesn’t know what it’s like to have his hair pulled.” The mom left and seconds later she heard a scream from the bedroom, but this time it was the 2-yr-old screaming in pain. She rushed in and asked what had happened, to which the 5-yr.-old explained, “You said he didn’t know what if felt like, well now he does.”
E = Empathize with the person who hurt you. Try to at least consider, if not even
understand where they are coming from:
1.) Have they experienced forgiveness in their own lives?
2.) Do they know the Lord?
3.) What is going on in their lives?
4.) What have they been taught? What examples have they had in life?
A = Give an Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Recall a time you needed forgiveness, then envision yourself giving such a gift.
C = Commit to forgive. Writing this down and saying it out loud to another
person can do wonders to solidify your commitment to truly forgive.
H = Hold on to forgiveness.
Illus: One rainy afternoon a woman was driving along one of the main streets of town. Suddenly, my son Matthew spoke up from his relaxed position in the front seat. “Mom, I’m thinking of something.” This kind of announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered.
She was eager to hear. “what are you thinking?” she asked.
“The rain,” he began, “is like sin and the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away.”
After the chill bumps finished racing up her arms, she was able to respond. “That’s really good, Matthew.” Then, her curiosity kicked in and she began to wonder how far this little boy would take his revelation.
So, she asked, “do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?” Matthew, without hesitating, answered, “We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us.”
Trust and hold on to God’s forgiveness. In the same way, hold on to the forgiveness that you extend to others.
CONCLUSION:
Are you ready to let go & live! Are you ready to LIVE your faith in the sovereignty of God? Are you ready to be released to freedom through the power of forgiveness? Are you ready to once again, or perhaps for the first time, experience a life that is genuinely full of joy and energy? Are you ready to be like your Father in Heaven?
William Arthur Ward, in his book, Thoughts of a Christian Optimist, wrote:
We are most like beasts when we kill.
We are most like men when we judge.
We are most like God when we forgive.
Trust in God and give up your hope for a different, better or more yesterday! Will you do it tonight?
