Guilt Free Living
When I was a kid, there was a dairy stand called Cluxton’s not far from where we lived. I couldn’t number the times that we would be driving by and my dad would say we needed to stop and get a LARGE milkshake or banana split. He used to tell my brother and me that banana splits and milkshakes were good for growing boys. We believed him. And I happen to think it made something already good even more enjoyable.
As an adult, I don’t think a banana split or a LARGE milkshake has ever tasted as good as it did when I was a kid. My dad’s comments made us feel like we were doing something good by enjoying those dairy treats. Not only were they good, but they were good for us! It was a win - win and we loved it!
Today, I struggle to enjoy a small milkshake, made with skim milk, under the disapproving gaze of my wife, Laurie. 9 She never suggests we stop for the ice cream like my dad used to do. And if I bring it up, she never says, "sure Honey. That would be good for you. The most positive response she can muster when I suggest we stop is, "well, I guess…if you think you have to…but I’m not getting anything." No fun.
The truth is, it’s not just my wife’s disapproval, but the reports from the American Heart Association, American Medical Association, the Diabetes Association and over eater’s anonymous that robs me of the joy that I once knew at places like Cluxton’s.
You can’t enjoy anything good to eat anymore. Some ladies in the church have been baking desserts for missions. The worship folder says, and I quote, "Are you trying to watch your weight" (that statement right there takes all of the fun out of it). The announcement goes on to say, "Now you can have your cake and eat it too! You can choose from yummy desserts that you don’t have to feel guilty about!"
When was the last time you had any dessert, that didn’t taste like cardboard, without feeling guilty about it? Wouldn’t it be great to not only enjoy it, and I mean really enjoy, but also be able to eat as much as you want without feeling guilty about it?
We all hate feeling guilt, but I suspect most of us do from time to time. And some of us feel guilt on a pretty regular basis. And the truth is we are feeling guilty about far more important things than milkshakes, banana splits, and chocolate brownies.
Let’s talk about living without guilt. Paul’s letter to the church at Rome offers some liberating words for people laboring under a load of guilt.
Romans 8:1-4 (NIV)
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,
4 in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
I want to talk to you this morning about this freedom from guilt that is only made possible by a right relationship with Jesus Christ.
Romans 8 he tells us that there is no condemnation when we are in Christ Jesus. Do freedom from guilt and living with no condemnation sound good to you?
It is a message that has implications for every one of us. We’ve all faced guilt for having said or done the wrong thing at some point in our lives. We have also experienced guilt for having not said or done the right thing that we knew we should.
The truth is, most Christians are not experiencing Romans 8:1 on a very consistent basis. We need to understand what guilt can do to us and how we can live without it.
The good news is that we can be free from guilt, especially false guilt. First, we need to understand that there are basically Three Types of Guilt.
1. Guilt before God.
We have guilt before God when we are in violation of God’s Word and God’s will. This is a healthy type of guilt. It’s brought on by the Holy Spirit who convicts us of sin enabling us to see our wrong doing and challenging us to turn from doing wrong to doing right.
2. Guilt before men.
Guilt before men involves a violation of cultural or social values. We experience guilt before men when we violate the laws of the land. We may not always be necessarily guilty in God’s sight even though we are guilty in man’s sight.
3. False guilt.
False guilt is what we feel when there is no basis for actual guilt or the guilt or sin has been forgiven r dealt with, but we go on feeling guilty anyway.
This is a guilt that burdens many Christians. Some can’t seem to be released from the awful grip of false guilt. This is the guilt they feel over sins forgiven or guilt that is imposed on them in an effort to control or manipulate.
Do you see the difference between these three kinds of guilt? And do you see one or more of these types of guilt at work in your life today? One psychiatrist said that the majority of people that are in mental institutions are there because of guilt, and many times false guilt, because they have not been able to release some past mistake or problem from their life and get free from that false guilt.
Observations on Guilt, Grace, and God:
1. False guilt can come from unrealistic expectations.
Unrealistic expectations placed upon us, even as children, can produce high levels of false guilt that can carry on even into adulthood.
If your parents placed unrealistic demands on you, there’s a good chance you may still battle issues involving false guilt.
If you grew up in a perfectionistic home, where everything always had to be done right and perfect, above and beyond the call of duty, there is a high possibility that today you labor under false guilt today.
Maxwell Maltz tells the story of a young man who would have nothing to do with his father’s business after the father died.
When this young man was a child, his father would play catch with him and the goal was always that the son would be able to catch ten balls in a row. But the father always made sure that the son was never able to catch that tenth ball. He would throw the ball low or throw it over the boy’s head and he was never able to catch ten balls in a row.
That little boy, now a grown man, was still trying to catch that tenth ball. He was laboring under false guilt because of unrealistic expectations.
I’m sure the father meant well. Perhaps he was trying to teach the boy that in life, nothing comes easy. Maybe he was trying to teach him about independence. He no doubt had all kinds of good reasons why he wouldn’t let his son catch that tenth ball.
But now there is a grown man, living with false guilt, because all of his life he has been trying to measure up to the expectations of his father that he could not attain as a child. And all of his life he will labor under false guilt until he learns to see it for what it is and deal with it effectively.
The second reason why so many suffer from false guilt could also have its root in childhood.
2. Lack of affirmation can result in false guilt.
If you grew up in a home that lacked praise and affirmation there is a distinct possibility that you will labor under false guilt.
The reason is quite simple. As a child if you did not have affirmation, praise or encouragement, you most likely see yourself as someone who is not incredibly worthwhile. You don’t feel like you measure up. So your life is spent trying to have that void filled and you are constantly looking for affirmation and praise.
We’re like the kid throwing darts. He said, "Dad, I’ll throw the darts and you stand there and say wonderful." We all need somebody to say "Wonderful."
If you never received praise and affirmation growing up, if you never quite measured up, chances are, without God’s healing touch, you will battle false guilt all of your life. My prayer is that you can find healing today.
3. False guilt is sometimes used as a tool of manipulation.
Have you ever been around people who try to guilt you into doing what they want you to do? They try to shame you into things.
Pastors often do this. They says things like this; "If you won’t teach this class of unruly junior boys, I just don’t know who will. I am not sure we can have a class for these boys if you say no. I hope none of them are lost since we can’t provide a class for them. I guess we will have to shut down the class if you won’t take it."
What you feel in a conversation like this is not conviction or authentic guilt. You are the unfortunate beneficiary of false guilt. Sadly, false guile has been used as a tool of manipulation far too often in the church and among well-meaning Christians.
4. People falsely believe that all guilt originates from the Holy Spirit.
Some people think that if they feel guilty that is a sign that they have done something wrong. That’s not always true.
False guilt is laboring under the feelings of guilt when at times you have done nothing wrong. The guilt may have been imposed on you by satan or by someone else. All guilt and all guilt feelings are not a result of some sin that you have committed.
To help you understand the difference between authentic guilt before God and false guilt, I want to compare what the Holy Spirit does in your life to what false guilt does in your life.
Holy Spirit False Guilt
Convicts Confuses
Specific Vague
Attacks the problem Attacks the person
Helper Hindrance
Lifts you up Tears you down
Restoration/Hope Alienation/Shame
The first key word there in your sermon section under the Holy Spirit is the word convicts. You do something wrong, in a conversation you say something that isn’t true, the Holy Spirit convicts you of what you did wrong.
The Holy Spirit is specific. You tell a lie and the Holy Spirit checks you and says stop! That’s a lie. The Holy Spirit points specifically at the problem and you know exactly what the problem is. There’s no question about it.
Under the Holy Spirit you can also write attacks the problem. That’s what the Holy Spirit does. He convicts you regarding a specific problem.
But on the other side, false guilt confuses. It’s vague. In contrast to the Holy Spirit who attacks the problem, false guilt attacks the person. Do you see the difference?
When the Holy Spirit points to a lie and says "that was wrong," false guilt would say "well, you’re just no good." It degrades the person. It doesn’t deal with the problem.
Another key word I have included under the Holy Spirit is the word Helper. He wants to be your best friend. He wants you to make it successfully. He wants to come along side us and help us become the person God intends for us to be.
Under false guilt we also need to include the word hindrance. Just like the Holy Spirit is a helper, false guilt is a hindrance. I’ve never seen anybody become a better person because of false guilt. False guilt pulls you down and hinders. False guilt is your enemy, seeking to tear you down; while the Holy Spirit desires to lifts you up.
The Holy Spirit seeks to bring hope into your life so the last key word in that column is restoration. The Holy Spirit, even when dealing with sin, offers restoration and hope. We are reminded that we can have a better life.
On the other hand, under false guilt - the key word is alienation. False guilt alienates you. It gives you a feeling of shame. You’ll feel like you can never do it or you can never be the person that you want to be or that God intends for you to be. It’ll make you feel like you will never achieve anything worthwhile for God.
Remember false guilt attacks the person and the Holy Spirit attacks the problem.
A young boy was going to spend the evening at a friend’s house. His father asked that he call home once he arrived so that the father could be assured that his son had arrived safely.
As the evening wore on, this father knew that in his son’s excitement, he had probably forgotten to call home after he arrived at his friend’s house. As this father thought about how he should handle the situation, the Holy Spirit seemed to inspire him to be redemptive with his son. Instead of calling to make the boy come home, this father decided to handle this situation in a more constructive way. He knew the son’s heart.
The dad decided to call the house where his son was to be. He let the phone ring just once, and he hung up. You know what happened. The sound of the ringing phone reminded this boy that he needed to call home. In about a minute this father received a call from his son assuring him that he had in fact arrived safely.
That’s the way the Holy Spirit works in our lives. He is on our side. He wants to be our friend. The Bible refers to the Spirit of God as our Helper, our Comforter, our Encourager, and our Friend.
We need to get rid of this thing that we have been living with, believing that we are to be pounded down and beaten over the head with false guilt. That’s not how His Spirit works in our lives and it is clearly not from God. It’s contrary to His character.
John 8:36 (NIV)
36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
False guilt wants to rant, and rave, and scream, and fume, and attack, and accuse, while the Holy Spirit wants you to make it.
It’s like what happens when I get in the car some morning without having spent time alone with the Lord. The devil, the great accuser, gets in the car and condescendingly says, "and you call yourself a pastor. You’re not even much of a Christian."
On the other hand, the Holy Spirit slips in and puts His arm around me and says, "We missed our time together. We need to be together. Let’s not let this become a habit."
5. Sometimes we misunderstand God’s grace.
Sometimes we confuse law with grace. Under law there are standards to meet. But under grace standards have been met by Jesus.
Under the law we keep trying to measure up. We are constantly striving; always trying to meet a standard of conduct. Under grace there is unconditional acceptance.
Under the law you must perform well to earn love; but under grace the gift of love is freely given. God doesn’t love you more because you perform well. There’s nothing you have done to make Him love you more. By the same token, there is nothing you have done to make Him love you less. He loves you unconditionally.
If you grew up in a home where love was basically measured out to you as you did good things, you will no doubt see God as that parent who extends love only when it is supposedly deserved. We need to learn to demonstrate unconditional love.
Sometimes we misunderstand God’s grace. God’s grace is freely given.
6. The primary motivation for Christian living is love not guilt.
God’s primary motive for Christian living is love. We misunderstand this sometimes too. I think that’s because we often act like guilt is the primary motivator for Christian living and it is not. Love is the primary motivator in God’s eyes. But for many Christians it is exactly the opposite. The controlling finger on their heart is guilt.
If the primary motivation for Christian living was guilt, Jesus would have come to Peter after he had denied Christ three times and said, "Shame on you Peter! After all the time we have spent together, I cannot believe that you would go out and do such a stupid thing. Peter, how could you do this to me? After all I have done for you."
He didn’t say that did he? Of course not. What did He say? He said "Peter, do you love me?" That’s the issue. The primary motivation for Christian living is love and not guilt.
I run into Christians all the time who are either heaping a lot of unnecessary guilt on themselves and on other people. They have never understood this principle.
You can lay down all the laws and rules and regulations you want to, but until you begin to really let love be your primary motivation for your relationship with God, you are in for an uphill battle all the way.
Learn to love Him and realize that He loves you and cares about you with an unqualified acceptance. Until we begin to operate under that one principle, the law itself is not enough to keep us from temptation and sin.
Steps to Overcoming Guilt:
First let me say there are no easy solutions or quick fixes. But I think these steps can help get us begin moving in the right direction when it comes to overcoming guilt.
1. Determine if you are dealing with false guilt or conviction of sin.
2. If you are facing conviction of sin, confess it and move on.
For a committed Christian, the only right response to sin is repentance and confession. You don’t want to continue to live in sin. Your desire is to please God. So we confess our sin to God in an attitude of repentance. And sin is simply a willful transgression of God’s known law. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. Sin is not an accident, a mistake, or an error in judgment. Sin is on purpose. So, what do we do with sin?
1 John 1:9 (NIV)
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
If you have confessed a sin to Jesus and you still feel guilty about it that is false guilt. That is not of God if you have truly repented, which means you are not only sorry, but sorry enough to change. Confessed sin is forgiven sin.
3. If you are facing false guilt, forget it.
Learn to relax. Release people, circumstances, and things that you cannot control. Be responsible to people but not for people. Otherwise you will be dealing with a lot of false guilt.
This is a big one for parents. I see parents all the time who are beating their heads against the wall because of what their grown kids are doing now. It is almost as if they are thinking, if only I had potty trained him earlier then things would be different. "He wouldn’t be doing all of these dumb things if I had been a better parent."
Let’s be honest, he probably would. He knows what’s right. He’s a big boy, she’s a big girl, and they are making their own choices. It’s out of your hands and out of your control. So release it. Don’t live with false guilt any longer. You should carry a burden for them, but that is different than taking the blame.
4. Learn to be a God-pleaser and not a man-pleaser.
Galatians 1:10 (NIV)
10 Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
I have had to learn that. I would like to please everybody. I really would. But I have found you can’t please everybody. There is tremendous freedom in that.
There are some who don’t really want to be pleased. Do you know people like that? There are others I don’t care to please. They’re manipulators. So I decided a long time ago that my number one priority is to please God. When your desire is to please God, sometimes you will find that even your desire to please God will displease some people.
If I was a people pleaser I would have quit the ministry a long time ago, or I would have had a nervous breakdown Somebody told me something that really helped me. "The shepherd isn’t responsible to the sheep…He is responsible to the Owner."
5. Remember that Jesus offers total and complete forgiveness.
If you are laboring under guilt or false guilt, please realize that it doesn’t have to be that way. I want to invite you to choose a new path for your life today.
There is a liberating, healthy, biblical, and better way to live.
Prayer
How many have been beating yourself up over false guilt? It’s not God induced, not brought on by the Holy Spirit. You’ve been laboring under a burden that you don’t need to carry and you see that this morning. Please raise your hand.
Perhaps there are some who would say, "I have guilt in my life, but it’s because of sin - the Holy Spirit has shown me that what I have been feeling is genuine conviction of sin. And today, I am ready to deal to deal with it." I won’t ask you to raise your hand, but I want you to be honest before God today.
The good news this morning is that with God’s help, you can live without guilt. It comes from learning and applying the truths of His Word.
