Help! I Can’t Love Others Because I Don’t Love Myself
Part 4 of 6 in the series, "When Relationships Disappoint You, How to Find God’s Peace in the Pain"
Does Anybody Feel Small? You’re Not Alone!
Have you ever felt inadequate? Have you ever sensed that this feeling of inadequacy has hindered your relationships from blossoming? Don’t worry. All of us have felt that way.
The temptation to feel inadequate even creeps into the church. We all face this struggle. Consider the lyrics to "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns.
“Is there anyone that fails? Is there anyone that falls? Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small?
Cause when I take a look around everybody seems so strong. I know they’ll soon discover that I don’t belong.
So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay. If I make them all believe it; maybe I’ll believe it too.
So with a painted grin, I play the part again. So everyone will see me the way that I see them.
Are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain?
But if the invitation’s open to every heart that has been broken, maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade.
Is there anyone who’s been there; are there any hands to raise? Am I the only one who’s traded in the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing and we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart.
But would it set me free if I dared to let you see, the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be?
Would your arms be open or would you walk away? Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?”
I love the authenticity this song challenges us to live by. We all feel inadequate sometimes so why put on a mask? Donning masks is not the way that God wants us to handle our self-image problems. Instead, God tells us in His Word how to effectively gain a proper view of ourselves – a view from His perspective.
Why I Don’t Feel Like I Measure Up?
There are several reasons we sometimes don’t love ourselves and feel like we’re not measuring up.
One big problem is that we often mistakenly base our opinion of ourselves on the standards of the fallen world around us and not on the information in the Word of God.
Our culture basically has three inadequate standards for adequacy: appearance, performance and social status.
People compare themselves to other people all the time to see if they rank higher in one or more of these three areas. If they think they do (and the ironic thing is that their judgments are subjective) but if they think they are better looking or greater performers or higher in their social status – then they mistakenly conclude they are valuable and adequate on this basis.
They suffer from the Rudolph-The-Red-Nosed- Reindeer Syndrome.
“In the reindeer pecking order, Rudolph was a nobody. Then came that foggy Christmas Eve, when Rudolph had an ability that others valued – a nose that glowed in the dark. After he saved Christmas, the songs says, ‘then all the reindeer loved him…’” (Quote from Craig Brian Larson in his book “Pastoral Grit”)
The world around us treats people they view as unattractive or less productive or lower socially - as less valuable. It’s only when they perform or look pretty or achieve status that the world gives them value. But God doesn’t work that way. There isn’t any partiality with Him.
The Bible says, “…God does not respect one person more than another.” Acts 10:34b (NLV)
He doesn’t care if you’ve been bombarded with Botox, or had your body reshaped to that of a “perfect 10.” He’s not impressed with your intellect, your salary, or your standing in the community. Honestly, He’s not. But the world around us is. And if we’re not careful we can fall into the trap of evaluating our adequacy, our value, our self-love on arbitrary, man-made, and ultimately insufficient rules of self-worth.
I’m not suggesting that we should ignore our appearance, perform poorly or shun society. And I’m not suggesting that we go to the other extreme of overplaying our importance. We need to constantly view ourselves as being loved by God unconditionally. We are not unimportant because we don’t measure up to other people’s standards. And we’re not more important because we have more or do more than others.
God’s not waiting for you to reach a certain level to love you. He already loves you! Your adequacy is not based on the subjective and ever-changing formulas of other humans. Your value is based on the assessment of your Creator and Savior. Each one of us is adequate because God made us and provided for our eternal friendship with Him if we will make a personal faith commitment to Jesus.
Each one of us has Designer Genes.
We’re in this series on relationships and today we’re talking about how we need to love our self if we’re going to love others. I realize some people love themselves too much but that is not our focus today. The problem we’re dealing with today is how a lack of proper self-esteem can hinder your relationships.
You’re going to have serious difficulty building solid relationships if you have a crummy self-image or if your self-image is based on faulty reasoning.
The question is not only, “How can I obey the command to love my neighbor as my self if I don’t really love my self?” But also, “How can I love others in the right way if my self-image is based on a faulty foundation?”
If we don’t get this right we’re going to go through life self-destructing.
In college Lyle was not sure he could make it to the NFL, since he only weighed 195 pounds. That is not enough weight to be a defensive lineman in the National Football League. So Lyle decided to take steroids, and he became a monstrous 300-pound defensive machine. His decision to take steroids brought him the success and fame he desired, but only for a short time. The steroids probably caused the brain cancer that ended his life. Lyle Alzado died at 43 years of age. His life was literally cut in half.
Most of us are never going to play professional sports, be chased by the paparazzi, be corporate executives, win beauty pageants, or achieve something the world thinks is significant – we all know that. But we still wrestle with self-image and sometimes do unwise things in order to be accepted by the world.
We shouldn’t waste our time trying to build up our self image based on what the world around us says.
If you get your self-image from any human being – including your self – its going to be messed up. The only proper self-image comes from recognizing that your self-image is based on the fact that you were made in the image of God! The Father, Son and Holy Spirit got together at the creation of man and…
“Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us.” Genesis 1:26a (NLT)
Talk about a great platform for my self-image! I was made in the image of God. My image is a reflection of God. I’m not insignificant or unimportant because I am made in the image of God.
You and I are in the image of God. We’re not God – but – we are important - because we were made in His image.
If you get your self-image from appearance – what are you going to do when you get around people who are better looking than you? If it’s based on performance how you going to feel about yourself on those days when others out-perform you? If it’s based on social status what are you going to do when someone has a more impressive family register or higher standing in the community? (However arbitrarily that is assessed.)
You’re going to feel like your less important. You’re going to suffer feelings of inadequacy. And why? Because you were basing your self-worth on the wrong stuff.
Renewal of Proper Love for Myself...
So how am I supposed to reprogram this faulty software that keeps telling me I’m less important than others, that I’m inadequate, that I’m not as special as someone else, that I don’t have any reason to love myself? There’s only one way. Daily renewal of my inner thought process.
The Bible says,
“Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16b (GNT)
I do not have to search for significance or self-worth. I don’t have to compare myself with others. Every day of my life I need to accept what God says about me.
My task is to renew myself spiritually every day. I can’t afford to let a day go by that I am not renewing my thinking by dwelling on God’s truth. If I trust my own thinking and emotions – which are both impaired because of my fallen sinful human nature – then I will stray into self-loathing instead of self-loving.
With that thought in mind let’s look at some
Energizing Biblical Approaches to Self-Worth:
If I’m going to love myself in the right way so that I can love others in the right way there are several habits I need to establish.
The list I’m giving you today is not exhaustive but the habits are practical. If you do these things you’ll have a greater grip on a balanced view of your self.
1. THINK LIKE JESUS.
This is foundational. This is crucial.
It’s possible to love myself for the wrong reasons. It’s possible to make a subjective comparison of myself with someone else and pridefully conclude that I’m adequate because I think I’m “better” than the person I’m comparing myself to.
Concluding that you are of more value than anyone else is not the way God’s Word tells us to think.
“Nothing should be done because of pride or thinking about yourself. Think of other people as more important than yourself.” Philippians 2:3 (NLV)
Circle that second sentence – “Think of other people as more important than yourself.” If you’ll read the rest of Philippians chapter two you’ll remember that’s how Jesus thought.
“Think as Christ Jesus thought. (Circle that sentence.) Jesus has always been as God is. But He did not hold to His rights as God. He put aside everything that belonged to Him and made Himself the same as a servant who is owned by someone. He became human by being born as a man. After He became a man, He gave up His important place and obeyed by dying on a cross.” Philippians 2:5-8 (NLV)
Amazing! The Lord of Lords and King of Kings gave up His rights as God. And it began in His thinking. He voluntarily began thinking of Himself as our servant!
Sometimes our adequacy issues are based on pride. We simply worry too much about how others view us!
And this causes our relationships to suffer. If my self-esteem is poor because it is based on my pride or on someone else’s estimation of me, then I become more sensitive when others disrespect me.
Insecure people are touchy people. I find in my life that when I’m insecure I’m harder to live with. But when I’m sure of who I am in Christ – when my thinking is like that of Jesus – when I view myself as a servant – I have more harmony with others.
When people aren’t grasping for control in a relationship there’s more harmony. Strife is lessened. I’ll say more about this in a couple of weeks when we end this current series on relationships by considering “Rules for Fighting Fair.” I don’t care if its in your marriage, with your friends, at work, at church - Did you know the Bible actually gives us guidelines on how to disagree with one another and still get along? You’ll need these for solid relationships in life.
But one of the rules is this. God wants us to find our self-esteem not by depending on others to give us our own way, but by thinking of ourselves as Jesus did – as servants to one another.
For one thing – you’re not going to get your own way all the time. And for another thing – when you push and shove and fight and argue to get your own way all the time – which is selfishness – you’re going to paint yourself into a relationship corner. No one is going to want to be around you!
Anybody here enjoy being around someone who has to have his or her own way all the time? I don’t think so.
If Jesus can think like a servant as totally awesome as He is, then I can certainly view myself that way.
2. MAINTAIN INTEGRITY.
If I’m going to feel good about myself another big issue I’m going to have to deal with is integrity. I’ve got to maintain a solid level of integrity.
Integrity is when I am true to the moral code I know that God has set for me to live by according to Scripture. The Bible teaches me to live a consistent life - not a perfect life – but a consistent, authentic life – a life of integrity.
Integrity helps others trust me in my relationships with them. But I also need to maintain integrity if I’m going to feel good about myself. The Word of God says…
“The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.” Proverbs 10:9 (NIV)
In some ways your security is tied to your integrity. It’s not just that others will sometimes find you out if you don’t live by the moral code you know is right - you and God already know about your secret sins. Your security is threatened because you have already been found out. I’m not going to feel good about myself if I keep violating my moral code. Your conscience is defiled and won’t be secured until you confess your inconsistency and become consistent once again.
“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” Proverbs 11:3 (NIV)
You might object, “But isn’t this gauging my self worth by my performance? Doesn’t this mean that I have to perform consistently in order to feel good about myself?” The difference is the benchmark you use. When you live with integrity you are comparing yourself to a consistent lifestyle instead of comparing yourself to the arbitrary and subjective standards of other humans.
I reiterate – the Bible does not teach that you can be perfect. Having integrity is not being perfect – it’s being conscientious. It’s being consistent and authentic. It’s being honest with yourself about your sin.
“If you don’t confess your sins, you will be a failure. But God will be merciful if you confess your sins and give them up.” Proverbs 28:13 (CEV)
3. SURRENDER SELF-SUFFICIENCY.
Someone is saying to his or her self right now, “But I’ve tried to change my lifestyle in a certain area in order to be consistent to God’s moral standard but it isn’t working.
God says…
“’You will not succeed by your own strength or power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord All-Powerful.” Zechariah 4:6 (NCV)
Ironically, our self-sufficiency often stands in the way of our moral victory! It stand in the way of maintaining our integrity!
God is the only All-sufficient One! When I think I am strong enough in my self to win the battle against sin I am only fooling myself. I must adapt a mindset controlled by the Holy Spirit.
"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" Romans 8:6
There’s not a better passage of Scripture than Galatians chapter five to identify this habit.
16 I say this to you: Let the Holy Spirit lead you in each step. (Circle that sentence – “Let the Holy Spirit lead you in each step. We think we need God to do some things and other things we can do without God. Wrong. We need God in each step.) Then you will not please your sinful old selves. 17 The things our old selves want to do are against what the Holy Spirit wants. The Holy Spirit does not agree with what our sinful old selves want. These two are against each other. So you cannot do what you want to do. 18 If you let the Holy Spirit lead you, the Law no longer has power over you. 19 The things your sinful old self wants to do are: sex sins, sinful desires, wild living, 20 worshiping false gods, witchcraft, hating, fighting, being jealous, being angry, arguing, dividing into little groups and thinking the other groups are wrong, false teaching, 21 wanting something someone else has, killing other people, using strong drink, wild parties, and all things like these. I told you before and I am telling you again that those who do these things will have no place in the holy nation of God. 22 But the fruit that comes from having the Holy Spirit in our lives is: love, joy, peace, not giving up, being kind, being good, having faith, 23 being gentle, and being the boss over our own desires. The Law is not against these things. 24 Those of us who belong to Christ have nailed our sinful old selves on His cross. Our sinful desires are now dead.
25 If the Holy Spirit is living in us, let us be led by Him in all things. 26 Let us not become proud in ways in which we should not. We must not make hard feelings among ourselves as Christians or make anyone jealous. Galatians 5:16-25 (NLV)
