What did he just say???
Ephesians 5:22-33
There were two lines of husbands in heaven, one for the dominant husbands and one for the passive, submissive husbands. The submissive husband line extended almost out of sight. There was one man in the dominant husband line. He was small, timid, appeared anything but a dominant husband. When the angel inquired as to why he was in this line, he said, "My wife told me to stand here."
The day Melissa and I were married, I was a nervous wreck. The wedding was supposed to start at 2:00 PM, but Melissa was not there at 2:00 PM (she blames the photographer). During the ceremony, I was so nervous that I had a hard time slipping the wedding band on her finger. To make things worse, I couldn’t light my part of the unity candle. The peak of my nervous gaffes came when I tried to sign the marriage certificate. For the longest time, or it at least felt like a long time, I could not figure out why the pen was not working, only to realize that I was holding the pen upside down.
Fortunately Melissa still decided that I was worth keeping around. This May we will celebrate eight years of marriage, and I would love to say it has been easy. I love the fact that we have rarely fought, but there have been some tense moments. We have been there for each other in many difficult situations. Depending upon the occasion, we have played the role of a “rock” for the other to lean on. We have even found ourselves just leaning on each other.
Before we were married, the pastor with whom we did our premarital counselling, opened the Scriptures to us, and we landed here in Ephesians. At first glance, it seems very pro-man, anti-woman here. At Bethany Bible College, we guys lived for the day when we be “The Head” and the women would have to “submit” to our authority.
For many years many marriages have been based on this type of totalitarian view of marriage. The husbands have deemed it their God-given right to lord power and authority over the weaker, more fragile female.
On the other hand, the roles as of late have changed. Today many women have assumed the dominate role. These ladies have pistol-whipped their husbands into being nothing more than glorified lap dogs. They feel they hold the reigns because they can manipulate their men into doing anything they want.
The men who see this passage as a hierarchical relationship love the beginning part of this passage. The women who want control buck at the idea of submission and leadership of men, so they squash it from the very beginning.
After Melissa and I were engaged, the most popular book floating around the Bethany campus was a book entitled “His Need, Her Needs” by Dr. Willard E. Harley, Jr. Within this book, which was written as a deterrent to extra-marital affairs by learning what makes your spouse click, Dr. Harley describes the five major needs of men and women. They are as following:
Five major needs of women: Five major needs of men:
1) Affection, 1) Sexual fulfillment,
2) Conversation, 2) Recreational companionship,
3) Honesty and openness, 3) An attractive spouse,
4) Financial support, 4) Domestic support,
5) Family commitment. 5) Admiration.
A major reason why marriages fail, or never live up to the fairytale ideal, is because men and women do not take the time to get to know each other. They know what they want, but they have a hard time relating to needs and desires to their spouse. Today, I want to take a little bit of the deception away, and look at what Paul is talking about here.
Before we continue, I want to address those who are not married here today. There is still something to be learned for you as well. Even if you intend to never get married, be sure to draw from this passage about your relationship with Christ. The major illustration that is drawn upon here is the relationship between Jesus and His church. Allow the Holy Spirit to work in your life, and allow Him to act in a way that reveals what your relationship with Christ is like.
1. Wives (Ephesians 5:22-24)
In the grand scheme of how this portion of Scripture, I find it rather amusing there are three verses addressing how a woman should respond to her husband, while there are three times that many verses addressing a man’s relationship to his wife. By sheer verse count, this portion of Scripture deals more with men than women. It is, however, a portion of Scripture that can cause some tension.
Paul starts this part about Christian relationships by addressing the highest of human relationships, the one between a man and his wife. Despite what others may suggest, their is no relationship that equals the relationship between a man and woman in marriage. All others fail in comparison.
In the sight of God, all men and women are created equally. He loves Melissa just as much as He loves me. He died for Melissa just as much as in He paid the price for my sins upon the Cross. We are equal in the eyes of God, yet Paul throws the first kink at the beginning of verse 22 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”
When a person submits themselves to the Lord, it is done because we have faith that He has our best interests at heart. He is the head of the church, and as such, we surrender ourselves to His will because He is God.
Wives are asked to submit themselves to their husbands with the same idea is mind. As we have said already, this letter was written to the CHURCH in Ephesus. Paul is addressing believers here. As a Christian couple, the wife should be looking to the husband for support, love, a spiritual leader, etc. Paul is telling the women to submit, or respect their husbands.
What we need to realize about submission here is that it is not a dictatorship. This passage does not say that wives are, in any way, inferior to their husbands, either naturally or spiritually. I have known many pastoral families where the wife is the pastor. But what this passage is saying is that wives must be willing to surrender to their husbands in order that the husband may exercise his authority.
When we refer back to the “His Needs-Her Needs” top five for men and women, men want to admired by their wives. Paul, in a sense, is admonishing the women to respect their husbands. There are too many cases where women have cut the legs out from under the men. They have taken the leadership role. But that is not what we are supposed to be doing.
The Church is expected to give first place devotion to Christ. He is our “first love.” The wife, no matter who you are, must place the same type of devotion to her husband. Submission here, when done in love, is not supposed to be humiliating, but magnifying. A woman should hold her head high, and defend her husband to the NTH degree, not degrade him.
On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ’Lucky for him that’s one of the ten.’"
Roderick McFarlane, in Reader’s Digest, December, 1992.
1. Husbands (Ephesians 5:25-33)
Even if marriages are made in heaven, man has to be responsible for the maintenance.
John Graham in Alma, GA., Times.
I truly believe that the greatest call upon my life is not be a pastor. It is not to build the church, because Jesus said that He would build the church (Matthew 15:18). My greatest calling is found in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives.” I believe the love that brought people together in marriage must continue to nurtured and expressed as the years go by. As the head of the family, I believe it is the man’s responsibility to pick up this mantle.
It is easy to say, “I love you,” but Paul calls men to show it. We are to love our wives as “Christ loved the church.” Jesus loved us so much that He gave Himself up for her. He died to set her free. That undying, unpolluted love is the love that Paul calls us men to have for our wives. She needs to hear that we love her, but actions speak so much louder than words.
I was glancing through the flyers this past weekend, and I came upon the “Dear Abby” section. A question was posed by a lady asking Abby what she thought of a husband who pulled the chair out from under his wife as a joke. Abby’s response was basically she didn’t think much a man that did such things. That does not represent what Paul was talking about.
I know this is going to shock a lot of men here today, but your wife is not perfect. She has flaws, just like you have flaws. When we came to Jesus we had flaws, but He accepted us just as we were. A love of a husband for his wife looks beyond her imperfections an helps her to become a better person.
In verse 29, Paul encourages the men to look after their wives like they look after themselves. If you want only the best for yourself, then you should want only the best for her. I love the fact that Jesus does not dictate that I should dress a certain, or cook a certain meal. He does not place unattainable goals upon my life, and neither should I do that on Melissa.
There have been times that I have seen Melissa in such pain that I wish I could have taken it from her. There have been so many times, so times that she doesn’t even know of, when I would pray that Christ would do something special in the life of the woman I love.
I cringe when I think of the times when I never gave her my full attention. I hate the fact that I have screwed up. I know that’s human nature, but I still do not like it.
I want to love my life like Christ loves His church. He promised to build the church, so a man should be their to build up his wife. I cannot stand it when a man demeans his wife. I know of a man back in NB that treats his wife like a second-class citizen. He believes heavily on the submission part, but fails when it comes to the loving side.
Conclusion:
Twelve Rules for a Happy Marriage.
1. Never both be angry at once.
2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3. Remember that it takes two to make an argument. The one who is wrong is the one who will be doing most of the talking.
4. Yield to the wishes of the other--as an exercise in self-discipline, if you can’t think of a better reason.
5. If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good--choose your mate.
6. If you feel you must criticize, do so lovingly.
7. Never bring up a mistake of the past.
8. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
9. Never let the day end without saying at least one complimentary thing to your life partner.
10. Never meet without an affectionate greeting.
11. When you’ve made a mistake, talk it out and ask for forgiveness.
12. Never go to bed mad.
Ann Landers.
