Not By Your Strength But By My Spirit

Psalm 16:1-2

1 Keep me safe, my God,

for in you I take refuge.

2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

apart from you I have no good thing.”

Sometimes I ask myself, in the darkness, waiting to fall asleep.. "Am I really going to be able to do this?" You wonder if you have the strength required for the journey ahead. So much has been lost, yet so much has been gained. A Spirit is working in my life. Jesus Christ has come to me and saved me from the nightmares of the past. I've been welcomed into the family of God. At times it slips away, walking through the gym, talking to friends, driving to work, frown on the face. That sensation of the presence of God, so fleeting at times. Yet working always, even when I don't notice. The consciousness of my sinfulness, always building. It seems to grow and grow, as I progress forward in the journey. More and more do I become aware of hidden realities I had never noticed. Little gems of wisdom float in.

Life still happens, doesn't it? Surely it does. People talk. Rumors circulate. I have to face down life on life's terms. And try not to lash out at those who harm me. God taught us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Not only did he teach us that, but he lived that. As it has been said, when one person attacks another, they strike back, and the cycle of anger and violence begins to spiral. Even to nations, wars, one side attacks the other, the other side retaliates, and on and on it goes. But when Jesus Christ went to the cross, people hurled ridicule upon. They accused him. They mocked him. They brought up false chargers against him. They drove nails into his hands and feet. They spat upon him, and laughed at his claims to be "God." And what did Jesus do in response? Nothing. He became obedient to death itself. All of the sins of man kind were hurled upon him. He hurled nothing back. Sin stopped that day. He defeated sin. He conquered death. Not by fighting it, but by taking it upon himself. And inversely, from the cross flowed forgiveness, grace, love. From his side flowed rivers of blood and water.

And so I must do the same, as much as I am able. I feel weak. I haven't slept right in years. I'm afraid to go to the doctor, because I don't want to end up in that cycle again of always trying some new medication to manage an issue that seems perpetually unresolved. I struggle with depression. I struggle with immune system problems. And recently rumors have spread about me that are shocking.

Yet God remains good. I will manage. The victory of Christ at the cross, remains my victory. God loves me. And he also loves you.

I was thinking lately, about the burden of leadership. As many know I have begun a path toward officership in the Salvation Army. Central Territory, USA. I thought to myself, of the burden of leading a corps, of caring for a community, and of leading people, groups of women and men on the frontlines of the war on the gates of hell itself. And I thought... do I really want all that? Can I really handle all that? How about.. maybe, being a librarian instead. It seems very relaxing. Just sit there and read books and help people find books. Take a lot of naps.

I was at dinner with my mother, grandparents, and uncle after a long day at work. We were discussing the Salvation Army, and the ministry I've been pursuing. Our discussion turned to ISIS and their actions in the Middle East. I mentioned how the Salvation Army is active in over 100 countries. My uncle looked me in the eyes and asked, "If they needed you in one of those dangerous countries where Christians are killed, would you go?"

I searched my heart for a few moments, and replied with a sense of fear, "Yes I would."

Lately I've been reading a book about the history of the Salvation Army. It's been an excellent read, just finished it actually.

Henry Gariepy tells the story of Major Noh Young Soo in his book Christianity in Action. In 1950 communists invaded along the 38th parallel and took over Seoul, Korea. Salvation Army corps were operating there, and the communists were successful in capturing Major Noh Young Soo, an SA officer. They marched him through the streets, and then ordered him to renounce his Christian faith. Facing machine guns, he calmly refused, raising his Bible in one hand, and his Salvation Army song book in the other, replying, "Whether I live or die matters not, Christ lives!" As he knelt down to pray for his captors, they opened fire, and he became a martyr of the Salvation Army. Truly, a great honor to die for ones savior.