Marriage Part 4: The Four Horsemen Series

Marriage Part 4: The Four Horsemen

Scripture: First Peter 3:7; Matthew 5:22-24; Ephesians 4:26-27

Good morning Strangers Rest. This is part four of my series on marriage. The title of today’s message “The Four Horsemen” and I will be focusing on when we face conflict within our marriage. In part three of this series, I spoke about how the two becomes one. If you recall, in that message I shared with you that the Bible tells both husband and wife that they must submit to one another as they enter the marriage and become one. This requires a lot of work because the first step is for the man to leave his family and cleave to his wife, loving her as himself. Then the wife must choose to submit to her husband while honoring and loving him as the head of the house. While in the first few months this sound blissful, it gets harder and harder as the couple relaxes their guards and begins to allow their authentic selves to become more evident. And when the authentic selves begin to come out, the four horsemen are not too far behind. What you will hear in this message applies to all relationships, not just marriage. So, if you’re not married this message is still for you too. Also, you will hear me reference “The Gottman Institute” throughout this message. I pulled a lot of data for this message from their resources and I highly recommend you visit their website for resources on handling marital conflicts and general resources to strengthen communication within your marriage.

Every marriage, no matter how strong, will encounter conflict. When this happens, depending on how it’s dealt with, there are three possible outcomes. The conflict could strengthen the marriage. It could weaken the marriage. It could have no positive or negative impact on the marriage. The outcome depends on the severity of the conflict and again how each partner responds to it. Have you noticed that we often deal with conflict better with friends and family than we do with our spouse? I find it amazing that we will treat others better than our own spouse when it comes to conflict. I cannot tell you why this happens but if you examine past conflicts you have had with others, I am sure you would be able to see it. When we are dealing with others, we try to follow Scripture when it says, “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” (Luke 6:31, Amp) Compare an argument that you have had in the past with your best friend or brother/sister versus one that you have had with your spouse. There is a deep level of comfort and trust that we have with our best friend, brothers and sisters that we sometimes never get to with our spouse. You would think that our spouse would get the ultimate consideration when it comes to dealing with conflict but again, that does not bear out when tested. How we deal with conflict in our marriage has a lasting impact on our children and us. What children witness at home tends to be repeated when they are grown and it can have an impact on their desire to marry one day. I saw an excerpt from a talk by Dr. George Fraser titled “The Crisis of the Black Family” where he discusses the crisis we are in. I am hoping to be able to show that excerpt with you before I complete this series. Some of our tendencies today reflect how our parents dealt with conflict so this is something that needs to be addressed in our marriages.

So, what are the Four Horsemen as it relates to marriage? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death, respectively. The Gottman Institute, an organization dedicated to strengthening marriages, families, and relationships, uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to their research, can predict the end of a relationship. The Four Horsemen often show up in the relationship long before the relationship ends, but if the couple recognizes them early and address them quickly their relationship will be able to weather the difficult days of marriage. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen when conflict arise is a necessary first step to addressing and eliminating them. If we can do this we can replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns. Per the Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Before we begin, I want to remind you of a few Scriptures that lay the foundation for why we need to address and resolve our conflicts quickly. As a reminder, conflict is defined as “a fight or war; sharp disagreement; emotional disturbances.” Jesus said, Matthew 5:22-24, “(22) But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. (23) Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, (24) leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”