Marriage Part 4: The Four Horsemen
Scripture: First Peter 3:7; Matthew 5:22-24; Ephesians 4:26-27
Good morning Strangers Rest. This is part four of my series on marriage. The title of today’s message “The Four Horsemen” and I will be focusing on when we face conflict within our marriage. In part three of this series, I spoke about how the two becomes one. If you recall, in that message I shared with you that the Bible tells both husband and wife that they must submit to one another as they enter the marriage and become one. This requires a lot of work because the first step is for the man to leave his family and cleave to his wife, loving her as himself. Then the wife must choose to submit to her husband while honoring and loving him as the head of the house. While in the first few months this sound blissful, it gets harder and harder as the couple relaxes their guards and begins to allow their authentic selves to become more evident. And when the authentic selves begin to come out, the four horsemen are not too far behind. What you will hear in this message applies to all relationships, not just marriage. So, if you’re not married this message is still for you too. Also, you will hear me reference “The Gottman Institute” throughout this message. I pulled a lot of data for this message from their resources and I highly recommend you visit their website for resources on handling marital conflicts and general resources to strengthen communication within your marriage.
Every marriage, no matter how strong, will encounter conflict. When this happens, depending on how it’s dealt with, there are three possible outcomes. The conflict could strengthen the marriage. It could weaken the marriage. It could have no positive or negative impact on the marriage. The outcome depends on the severity of the conflict and again how each partner responds to it. Have you noticed that we often deal with conflict better with friends and family than we do with our spouse? I find it amazing that we will treat others better than our own spouse when it comes to conflict. I cannot tell you why this happens but if you examine past conflicts you have had with others, I am sure you would be able to see it. When we are dealing with others, we try to follow Scripture when it says, “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” (Luke 6:31, Amp) Compare an argument that you have had in the past with your best friend or brother/sister versus one that you have had with your spouse. There is a deep level of comfort and trust that we have with our best friend, brothers and sisters that we sometimes never get to with our spouse. You would think that our spouse would get the ultimate consideration when it comes to dealing with conflict but again, that does not bear out when tested. How we deal with conflict in our marriage has a lasting impact on our children and us. What children witness at home tends to be repeated when they are grown and it can have an impact on their desire to marry one day. I saw an excerpt from a talk by Dr. George Fraser titled “The Crisis of the Black Family” where he discusses the crisis we are in. I am hoping to be able to show that excerpt with you before I complete this series. Some of our tendencies today reflect how our parents dealt with conflict so this is something that needs to be addressed in our marriages.
So, what are the Four Horsemen as it relates to marriage? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death, respectively. The Gottman Institute, an organization dedicated to strengthening marriages, families, and relationships, uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to their research, can predict the end of a relationship. The Four Horsemen often show up in the relationship long before the relationship ends, but if the couple recognizes them early and address them quickly their relationship will be able to weather the difficult days of marriage. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen when conflict arise is a necessary first step to addressing and eliminating them. If we can do this we can replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns. Per the Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Before we begin, I want to remind you of a few Scriptures that lay the foundation for why we need to address and resolve our conflicts quickly. As a reminder, conflict is defined as “a fight or war; sharp disagreement; emotional disturbances.” Jesus said, Matthew 5:22-24, “(22) But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. (23) Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, (24) leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
The Apostle Peter wrote in First Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” The Apostle Peter makes it clear that when there is unresolved conflict in the marriage, the husband’s prayers can be hindered. Unresolved conflict can hinder prayers because it creates a barrier to a sincere and open relationship with others and with God. Finally, Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:26-27, “(26) BE ANGRY, AND DO NOT SIN: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, (27) nor give place to the devil.”
These Scriptures lay the foundation for why Christians should speedily address and resolve their conflicts, especially in their marriage. Every relationship, even the most successful ones, will experience some form of conflict. It is unavoidable. What the Gottman Institute research found was that it is not the appearance of conflict that is the problem, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. They use the term “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding. So, the first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract “The Four Horsemen” when they arrive during our conflict discussions. So, let’s begin with the first horseman.
The first horseman is Criticism. Criticism is “the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” The first thing we must realize is that criticizing our spouse is not the same as offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Offering a critique or voicing a complaint is about specific issues, whereas the criticizing is directed at the person – they are personal attacks. It is an attack on your spouse at the core of their character. In effect, you are tearing down their whole being in your criticism. Remember, this is the person you are supposed to love and is the most important person in your life. There is a difference in voicing a complaint and criticizing. Expressing a complaint can be as simple as voicing concerns and fears about your spouse being late without calling. However, it turns to criticizing when you make it personal by saying something like, “You never think about how your behavior affects others! You’re so selfish.” Do you see the difference?
Jesus said in Matthew 7:1-2, and I am reading from the Amplified Bible, “(1) Do not judge and criticize and condemn [others unfairly with an attitude of self-righteous superiority as though assuming the office of a judge], so that you will not be judged [unfairly]. (2) For just as you [hypocritically] judge others [when you are sinful and unrepentant], so will you be judged; and in accordance with your standard of measure [used to pass out judgment], judgment will be measured to you.” We must be careful with the words that come forth from our mouths. When our criticism of our spouse becomes widespread it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. When we criticize our spouse it makes them feel assaulted, rejected and hurt leading to the offender and the victim falling into an escalating pattern where the first horseman appears with greater frequency.
The antidote for the first horseman according to the Gottman Institute is what they term “gentle start up.” A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. So, the remedy/antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way. To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need? While this may sound selfish on the surface, it shifts the tone of the conversation. For example, a criticism would sound like this: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?” However, the antidote to this criticism would be: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?” Do you see how the tone changed? There was no personal attack. Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument. And when you do this, you will agree with David and what he wrote in Psalm 19:14 which says, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.”
The second horseman is Contempt. Contempt is defined as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn; disregard for something that should be taken into account.” I am sure that you already see that contempt is worse than criticism. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean-spirited, we treat others with disrespect, we mock them with sarcasm and ridicule, we call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. When a spouse is the target of contempt the person is made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your spouse’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority. Here is an example of contempt: “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”
And I want you to hear me on this one; research shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems! Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority. Paul dealt with this in First Corinthians 13, which is commonly referred to as the “Love Chapter.” In verse five, Paul says “does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.” (First Corinthians 13:5) The clause “thinks no evil” describes a spouse who keeps a mental ledger of the wrongs the other spouse has done. In essence, the spouse with the mental ledger is living in unforgiveness. I believe this is the number one reason Christians divorce. God does not keep mental ledgers on us. God says in Psalms 103:12 the following, “As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
Have you ever heard the term, familiarity breeds contempt? This is a true statement and it’s root is found in a statement that Jesus made. Jesus said in Matthew 13:57, when people from his hometown were offended by Him, “…. A prophet is not without honor except in his own country and in his own house.” Because they were familiar with Jesus they refused to believe that He was anything special. Think about our spouses and what we know about them. It is easy to become contemptuous with our spouses because we know them better than anyone else. We know the good, the bad, and the ugly, while people outside of our homes only see the good. This is why if criticism is prevalent in marriage contempt will be close behind it. Most importantly, research has found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.
The antidote for contempt is to “build a culture of appreciation” and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of the Gottman Institute mottos is “small things often.” If you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt! When building a culture of appreciation, you actively look for things to appreciate about your spouse versus things to complain or be in contempt for. Paul wrote this to the Church in Philippi, “(3) Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (4) Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4) Esteeming our spouses as greater than ourselves opens the door to remove any contempt that we might feel occasionally out of the relationship.
The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness is defined as “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation, or innocent victimhood, in attempt to ward off a perceived attack.” Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand. Becoming defensive is a typical response to criticism. I can speak from experience that I have had times when I was defensive when receiving some feedback. That is why I tell people that I need and want feedback, but only if it is good, positive, and uplifting. All other feedback should be emailed to a miscellaneous email address that I can provide. Just joking.
But seriously though, becoming defensive is a common, rapid response when we receive information with which we do not agree. Sometimes we can become defensive because we “assume” that what we will hear is negative, so we prepare ourselves for the negative news even if it doesn’t turn out to be negative at all. This horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our spouse will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is never successful. Our excuses just tell our spouse that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes or that how they feel is their problem and not ours.
Do you remember the incident when Peter became so defensive that he used profanity at the woman accusing him of being a disciple of Jesus? At the Last Supper, Peter bragged about being willing to die with Jesus. Jesus then tells him that before the cock crowed he would deny Him three times. After Jesus had been arrested Peter followed behind to see what would happen to Him. Matthew 26:69-74 records the following, “(69) Now Peter sat outside in the courtyard. And a servant girl came to him, saying, ‘You also were with Jesus of Galilee.’ (70) But he denied it before them all, saying, ‘I do not know what you are saying.’ (71) And when he had gone out to the gateway, another girl saw him and said to those who were there, ‘This fellow also was with Jesus of Nazareth.’ (72) But again he denied with an oath, ‘I do not know the Man!’ (73) And a little later those who stood by came up and said to Peter, ‘Surely you also are one of them, for your speech betrays you.’ (74) Then he began to curse and swear, saying, ‘I do not know the Man!’ Immediately a rooster crowed.”
Did you notice that Peter did not use profanity until he was accused of being with Jesus with the proof being the way he talked? We do not know for sure, but maybe he was more restrained in his speech after being in Jesus’ presence, but after being called out three times as a follower of Jesus, he lost it. What was the driver of his defensiveness? He was scared and he was being accused of something that he knew was true. Have you ever thought about the fact that we do not always get defensive when we know someone is wrong with what they are saying about us? But when the accusation is spot on, our defense goes into high gear. I told you before that the five most dreaded words that a wife can say to her husband that will immediately get his defenses up is “Sweetheart, we need to talk.” I do not care how those words are said the result is the same. We rack our minds trying to figure out what we have done wrong now.
When spouses have moments when they become defensive, they often attempt to shift the blame/focus to the spouse making the accusation – attempting to make it their fault. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming the other person. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved, and the conflict escalates. Although it is perfectly understandable for a person to defend themselves if they are stressed out and/or feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your spouse, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management. If you have ever been in a disagreement with your spouse or anyone else, then you understand this. The person who is being critical will often not back down until they are heard, and the accused accepts and/or acknowledges their wrongdoing. And this brings me to the antidote.
The antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. By taking responsibility, the accused spouse prevents the conflict from escalating. Strangers Rest, it’s amazing to me how two little words can lower the temperature when they are genuine. The words are “I’m sorry” and from this point on the couple can work towards a compromise and/or solution to ensure whatever the situation is does not happen again. When we accept our spouse’s perspective and offer an apology for our wrongdoing we are taking responsibility for our actions. When we take responsibility for our actions, and change, our spouses know that they have been heard.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling, a term often used in the context of relationships and conflict, refers to a “complete emotional shutdown or withdrawal from a conversation, characterized by refusing to engage or respond to a spouse’s concerns.” This horseman is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their spouse. Rather than confronting the issues with their spouse, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers. For example, stonewallers will:
• Ignore you by pretending they don’t hear you or understand what you are saying.
• Respond to you as if you are saying something so stupid that you don’t deserve their attention.
• Refuse to stop what they are doing to listen to you.
• Refuse to discuss your concerns.
• Respond angrily and talk over you to prevent you from speaking.
• Use body language to communicate disdain such as eye-rolling, smirking, vile hand gestures, and more.
• Give you the silent treatment.
I have been guilty of most of these and believe me when I tell you that it does absolutely nothing to strengthen a marriage. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out.” But when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.
We see an example of stonewalling when Moses appeared before Pharaoh and Pharaoh refused to listen to him. We also see an example of this that is relevant for us today in the instruction Jesus gave in Matthew 18:15-17. He said, “(15) Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. (16) But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY WORD MAY BE ESTABLISHED.’ (17) And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” Here we find Jesus giving direction as to how the Church should respond to an unrepentant believer who sins. This person is the definition of stonewalling as he is refusing to hear and/or accept accountability for his action. In this situation, Jesus says the person should be removed from the congregation – “…. let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” If you continue reading in Matthew chapter eighteen, Jesus speaks of an unforgiving servant. Again, another example of someone refusing to hear and/or accept responsibility.
I have had many instances where I defaulted to stonewalling and I can tell you that it does nothing for a productive conversation. Stonewalling is just like it sounds. It is putting up a wall made of stone. Stone walls are unmovable. You can’t see through them, and you can’t get around them. If you want to resolve something or discuss something in your relationship, you don’t want to come up against a stone wall. People stonewall when they feel attacked or pressured. It can occur when a particular conversation or situation is overwhelming so the antidote for stonewalling is to take a break.
If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break. Then take 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you, read a book or magazine, take a walk, go for a run, or listen to your favorite calming music. The goal is to do anything that helps to stop feelings flooding through you that are shutting you down. Once you have calmed down, you can return to the conversation. The reason you need to take a break is when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight responses. Taking a break calm all these responses down. And before you pick up the conversation again, tell your spouse that you love them and pray and thank God for His peace and His wisdom as you talk through the situation.
During one of the Gottman Institute’s longitudinal research studies, they interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them they needed to adjust the equipment. They asked the couples not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower, and their interaction was more positive and productive. What happened during that half hour? Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.
Marriage is a challenge in the best of times, but when we allow the Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling) to enter it, trouble lies ahead. There are many marriages where the four horsemen play an active part in how spouses interact with one another and those marriages are not happy ones. It is up to each spouse to work to make sure they are doing their part to ensure that their marriage is the best that it can be. So, if you have any of the four horsemen present in your relationship please take the time to remove them from your marriage. It will not be easy, and it might take some time, but your marriage relationship is worth it. As your spouse works on the horsemen they brought into the relationship, you work on yours. The key is patience. Those horsemen did not enter your marriage overnight and it will take some time to remove them. Be patient with one another as you work through the removal process by using the antidotes I listed. For additional resources, please visit The Gottman Institute website.
Until next time, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)
