Depression & Meaninglessness: Where Is God In The Depths Of Despair?

Ecclesiastes 2:17-23 (NIV) So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 18 I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. 19 And who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish? Yet they will have control over all the fruit of my toil into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. 20 So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. 21 For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. 22 What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? 23 All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless.

There is a part of me that aches with meaninglessness. I cannot describe fully, how terrible it is. Who can manage it? Solomon the writer of Ecclesiastes describes the pain of wisdom. He described the meaninglessness of the daily life.

I've always, even before becoming a Christian, been keenly aware of the meaninglessness of life. I've always been a deeply depressed young man. Maybe I just read too much. And maybe it's been a tough walk. Psychologists say that the impact of a divorce, in particular, an ugly divorce is often worse than the death of a parent, on the children involved.

There are many types of pain in life. There are many ways to hurt. But who can say that they are happy? I've asked that question to many, and the most common answer is that they are not happy. Many say that God wants us to be happy. And I believe that. The question I wonder about is the timing. Happy now, or happy later?

Ecclesiastes 3:1-13 (NIV)

1 There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

Timing is everything. Who can know the mind of God? Who can perceive a being without beginning or end? I have yet to understand the self existence of God. The first question is always, well, who made God? Anything that exists has a beginning, right? Then I think, if I was God, I would be intensely disturbed by the notion of how I came into existence. I would be terrified to ask who I was, and how I came into being. Because everything I am aware of has come into being, including myself. At any moment before 6:00 PM on April 6th, 1985 I did not exist aside from inside the belly of my mother. Nine months prior I did not exist what-so-ever.

In a very real way, I find myself incapable of understanding a self-existent entity capable of generating a universe with mere thoughts and acts of will. The notion is beyond my ability to comprehend. Because by all the calculations I muster, there must be something before and therefore the designer of what is after. But logically there must be a first undesigned designer. Origins is an absolutely fascinating topic. But I'll leave it there.