Control Freak

CONTROL FREAK

Have you ever known someone who could have this label attached to them? People who feel they have to control you, the situation; everything? There are people who like to micromanage things. There are people who get very upset if you don't take their advice. People who have a tantrum when things don't go according to plan? What makes us behave this way? What's at the heart of being a control freak? You may be thinking of someone you believe really needs to hear this sermon but we should consider that just because we may not be a 'control freak' that doesn't mean we don't have any control issues.

1) Pride and fear.

Having a desire to control isn't altogether bad. Keeping things in order is beneficial; otherwise you have chaos. Being uncontrolled leads to poor decisions leading to more uncontrolled behavior. Take away structure and discipline and we will get ourselves into precarious situations. Being neat and orderly and self-controlled are safeguards for us and reduces stress and anxiety. But we can take being neat and orderly to an extreme.

Think of those who have OCD: obsessive compulsive disorder. They take being neat and orderly to an unhealthy level. Nothing can be out of place; nothing can have a speck of dirt on it. The irony is they are controlled by their desire to keep everything controlled. Their attempt at reducing stress and anxiety by making sure everything is how they want it only increases stress and anxiety.

The Mayo clinic, "OCD features a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears that lead you to do repetitive behaviors. These obsessions and compulsions interfere with daily activities and cause significant distress." The goal would be to bring it down to a healthy level. Be neat and orderly but not obsessive about it. To get to the place where I can allow something to be out of place without the compulsion to fix it now or else I won't be able to concentrate on anything else.

I need to train my brain to see it in a healthy, realistic light. If something is not in its right place or if something isn't spotless I don't have to panic; it's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean I'm a slob or that my life is out of control. As I continued to read about OCD, the word fear came into play many times.

When I leave I go back to make sure I turned off the stove or locked the door. There's nothing wrong with doing that once but with OCD I'll do that multiple times. Fear. I'm so afraid of germs I won't shake hands with anyone and I find myself washing my hands so many times my skin is raw. Fear. Fear is one of the main causes of our control issues.

One of our issues is that we've convinced ourselves that being controlling is a good thing. This is important to me and I care so much about this-that's why I'm making sure everything is the way it should be. So, when someone says, 'don't worry; it will all work out' we dismiss it as being naive, apathetic and uncaring. We look at those who are laid back and able to take everything in stride as foolish people who don't have a plan and are not taking things seriously enough.

Then there's the pride factor. Pride tells me that if I don't control it then it won't work. Pride tells me the only way it will get done right is if I do it. Or, if I'm willing to delegate I'll micromanage to make sure the person follows my orders to the T.

Part of the reason I do this is I put it all on my shoulders to where I believe if everything doesn't go perfectly I'm a failure. So we guard ourselves from those feelings. We attack those who don't do it our way because we need to protect ourselves from suffering those devastating disappointments. And that is an indication of my fear. My obsessive control indicates I'm afraid things won't turn out well; and I can't handle that.

Somewhere along the way you had an expectation of someone or something and you were let down hard. Or maybe there was a time you got in trouble for how badly something turned out. So, you became determined to not let that happen again. Consciously or subconsciously, you figured the best way to prevent a negative outcome was to make sure you controlled the things and people who were important to you. If everyone does what I say no one will get hurt; including me.

The answer to disappointments in life isn't to do a better job at controlling everything in life, the answer is learning to accept the things that happen in life without letting those things define us and change us for the worse. When the disappointments in life cause me to become more controlling then I have been changed for the worse.