Conflict At Home Series

It’s Going to Happen

In families and marriage, conflict is inevitable. It will happen. And in some seasons, it will feel like conflict is the only thing you manage. You might be facing a struggle over finances, a dispute over parenting strategies, or a challenge because of your sin. Since conflict is unavoidable, those who anticipate, lead, and successfully manage these moments have a distinct advantage. The next time you encounter conflict, acknowledge these five laws.

Five Laws for Managing Conflict in Your Home

Law One | Manage your anxiety

Conflict is not always a bad thing, but we can become quickly bothered by it. This is part of the reason for increased levels of marital and family stress. We need to keep in mind that conflict is normal. Frequently, it invites clarity where there is confusion and resolves a silent tension that needs to be made known. Many marriages and families are conflict-averse because they think conflict is a reflection on their deficiencies. But it isn’t your responsibility to prevent the arrival of conflict; how you lead through the conflict is the variable you can control. If as a husband or a father you can determine the root issues underlying the conflict without getting hooked by emotional insecurities, you will be able to lead more successfully in the midst of these encounters. Don’t let yourself get baited and hooked. It’s hard to help your wife and children from a state of anxiety; remember that they will naturally respond in kind to your emotional cues.

Law Two | Listen and clarify

When emotions get elevated, family members tend to stop listening to each other because their capacity to listen is being hijacked by the emotional need to be heard. You can deescalate a conflict by sitting down and listening—with precision—and clarifying or repeating what’s being said. Most of the time in a conflict, people want to be both heard and understood. In the process of listening, you are helping them to gain a voice and a hearing they feel they don’t have; in the process, you get a better understanding of what’s happening. By listening, you give others the time to ramp down emotionally.

Law Three | Identify desired outcomes

As we listen, we should be on a quest to identify the outcomes desired. Sometimes, when we are in conflict with each other, we don’t realize that the other party may have similar or even common goals, and we are just arguing over the best way to get there. If you know the result your family member wants, then you can help them figure out how they can achieve their goal—and achieve it together. But remember, though we tend to focus on the outcomes, just as important are the lessons learned through conflict and the relational wins we enjoy on the other side of the conflict.

Law Four | State next steps (if there are any)

Is your next step another discussion? Is it a change in how you and your wife handle finances? Is it a search for a new way of parenting? Is it a new discipline that needs to be built? Whatever it is, identify it and ensure that family members are clear on what they need to do and when they need to do it. Build in some accountability to ensure that promises are kept and decisions are followed through, thereby avoiding another eruption. These steps will demonstrate to everyone that you have listened and want to reconcile future issues. In addition, you will have equipped others to manage conflicts better themselves.

Law Five | Include outside counsel as needed

Sometimes you’ll hit an obstacle as you try to resolve an issue with your spouse or family. Outside counsel can help two or more disgruntled members to work toward a solution. You’ll need to find a neutral party, respected by both parties, to fill this role. Licensed marriage and family counselors are a great example. Remember, there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, as they can often mediate an issue where the participants are too emotionally tangled. Every marriage or family at some point is going to need to seek outside help to gain perspective. Asking someone to help mediate and resolve a matter with biblical insight is a humbling yet wise choice. Don’t be afraid to ask others for help when you get stuck; it’s better than hiding the issue or attempting to handle it on your own.

Emotions and insecurities can prevent families from working through issues that are usually simple to solve. If you as a husband and father can help lower the emotional intensity of everyone involved and help them look objectively at the situation from the perspective of the desired outcome, solutions are often easy to find. Conflict is a healthy test to see if you can embrace it as such.