Christian Mental Health: Strategies For Developing Personal & Relational Security

Jesus Christ, during his time on Earth was once asked, “What is the greatest commandment?” (Mark 12:28 English Standard Version). His response was very powerful: “29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:29-31). From the mouth of the blessed Lord Jesus Christ humanity discovers the very greatest imperative of life: a loving relationship with God and equally loving relationships with other people. Unfortunately for those who have developed poor personal security and broken relationship styles, this can be a very difficult proposition. Humanity lives in a world cursed by sin and brokenness (Genesis 3:17-19). Therefore many do struggle with past trauma, a shattered sense of self worth, and broken patterns of relating to others. To obey the command of Jesus to love God, people must know Jesus. In addition, if people are to obey his second command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” they must also love themselves. If a person can love Jesus, a person can love God, if a person can love God, a person can love himself, and they can also love others. Assuming someone has been through trauma and hurts, and have developed broken relationship styles, how do they fix those broken places and come to a place of personal security and healthy relationship skills? Some possible solutions would include: Understanding the psychology of personal and relational security, Theophostic therapy, EMDR treatment, development of spiritual disciplines, confronting lies of the world with truth of the Bible, personal study workbooks, and long term twelve step group attendance.

Personal & Relational Security Overview

What does it mean to be a secure individual? What does it mean to be relationally secure? The two concepts are completely interrelated, to the point that personal security and relational security are simply two parts of the same issue. Personal security is the internal structure of self esteem while the secure relationship style is the logical outworking of a healthy personal security. The terms will be used interchangeably for the course of this paper. Every person has a relationship style that is developed very early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 13). Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their book Why You Do the Things You Do discuss four primary relationship styles: the secure style, ambivalent style, avoidant style, and disorganized style.

The characteristics of a secure self are emotional strength, a willingness to seek and accept comfort in times of trouble, courage for love and intimacy, responsibility for self, and overall courage (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61-65). Emotional strength is described as an acceptance of emotions as a part of life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). An emotionally strong individual tends to accept challenges and take necessary risks, while standing up for what they believe in (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The emotionally strong person feels emotions deeply, yet does not fear emotions but accepts them as a healthy sign of experiencing life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The second characteristic of a secure person is seeking and accepting comfort (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The secure individual seeks comfort from within, from others, and from God in reasonable balances (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). Turning to God in prayer frequently is a sign of healthy behavior (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The third characteristic of a secure person is courage for love and intimacy (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.62). Secure people are willing to step out and take the risk of loving someone through all the hard work that takes (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.62). The secure person is optimistic despite knowing that life comes with much suffering (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The secure person relies on God's plan for their life during times of trouble (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The fourth characteristic of a secure person is that they take full responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their attitudes (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The secure person actively looks for solutions to problems as they come up, and if the problem can't be avoided they look for ways to cope in a healthy way (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63).

In stark contrast to the healthy relationship style are the three unhealthy relationship styles: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). The avoidant style is similar to the secure style in that the individual believes they are worthy of receiving love, but only on the basis of success and meeting goals (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style also believes they can find love, but they depend on their own abilities to do so (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style believes others are incapable or unwilling to love them (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style believes firmly that others are not trustworthy and are unreliable in regard to meeting his or her needs (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The second insecure style is called the ambivalent relationship style. The ambivalent style is characterized by a belief that they are not worthy of love. They also believe they cannot get the love they need from others. The ambivalent style is typically quick to anger, clingy, and desperate (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). They believe others are indeed trustworthy and capable of meeting their needs, but fear abandonment and their own flaws upsetting the relationships they have (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). The disorganized relationship style is characterized by a negative view of themselves and others. This relationship style has characteristics of the secure, avoidant, and ambivalent styles. One moment the disorganized individual will be secure, the next clinging as the ambivalent style does, and another moment or day showing classic avoidant style tendencies (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 103). The disorganized relationship style is often developed by an individual in a highly abusive family, having endured physical, emotional, or sexual abuse early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 107). For those who can identify with the avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized relationship styles, there is a path to healing and security.