Choice Vs. Emotions

It is interesting to note that in John 21 two different kinds of love are being presented. The first two times Jesus says “Lovest thou me more than these,” He is using the Greek word agape for love; the third time He uses the Greek word phileo. All three times Peter uses the word phileo. Does it matter that the Greek words are different? Does it make a difference in our understanding of this passage?

In order to best understand the difference between the two Geek words agape and phileo (which both refer to love), we should look at these Greek words as they appear in the gospel of John. The words tend to mean varying things depending on the context of the verses they are in.

Let’s analyze agape first. This word is found multiple times in John’s gospel. Thayer’s Greek-English lexicon helps us to understand the different meanings.

John 11:5—“Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.” Here agapao means “to have a preference for, wish well to, regard the welfare of.” Jesus deeply cared for Mary and Martha in this way.

John 3:16—“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Here agapao means “of the benevolence which God, in providing salvation for men, has exhibited by sending His Son to them and giving Him up to death.”

John 3:35—“The Father loveth the Son, and hath given all things into his hand.” Here agapao means “of the love with which God regards Christ.” It is a very strong fatherly love.

John 12:43—“For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.” Here agapao means “to take pleasure in the thing, prize it above other things, be unwilling to abandon it or do without it.” We can conclude with this that agape love is not a divine love as some believe.

John 13:1—“Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.” Here agapao means “concerning the unique proof of love which Jesus gave the apostles by washing their feet.”

From these verses, I would conclude that agape love is a deep-rooted love, whether it is for something good, such as the Lord and service, or for something bad like pleasures of this world. Phileo love, on the other hand, is quite different.

The word phileo in some form appears throughout the gospel of John (see John 5:20; 11:3, 36; 15:19; 16:27; 20:2; 21:15-17). Thayer says concerning this word that it means “to love, to be friendly to one.” It is a love that develops from friendship.

Now we come to distinguishing these words. Thayer notes, “As to the distinction between agape and phileo: the former. . . properly denotes a love founded in admiration, veneration, esteem. . . but phileo denotes an inclination prompted by sense and emotion.”

Is the passage in John 21 significant when it comes to the words agape and phileo? Carson states that the different Greek words used here don’t make any significant difference. Leon Morris believes it was John’s habit of using variation with words without real difference of meaning. However, if you go through the epistle of I John, the words “love” and “loveth” appear 42 times. But get this: every time those words are used it is with the Greek word agape. Every single time. If the Apostle John truly used variation in his writings, why didn't he use it at all in this short epistle which contained the concept of love so frequently? 

So what’s the answer? I think we can figure it out.

When Jesus asked Peter, “Lovest thou me,” the first two times He said it with agape, but the third time He used phileo. Peter responded all three times with phileo. Peter was being emotional. Jesus was asking if Peter respected Him and admired Him, but Peter was simply answering with an emotional response, so the third time Jesus asked using the emotional love—phileo.

Thayer goes on, “…love as an emotion cannot be commanded, but only love as a choice.” Jesus was trying to get Peter to the point of not just responding with an emotional response, but actually choosing to love the Lord out of respect and admiration. I believe Peter was a very emotional person.

Let’s look at a few instances of Peter’s emotional outbursts

Mark 9:2-6. Fear is an emotion, and here Peter was afraid, which caused him to speak out without even thinking. He couldn’t stay quiet and just watch; He had to say something.

Matthew 26:33-35. Peter was adamant that he would never forsake nor deny Jesus. No doubt he said this to look tough in front of the other disciples because we know when the big test came, he failed. He was simply being emotional.