All Those Who Wander Are Not Lost: A Study In Nothingness

"When Monday comes

I want nothing

Come Tuesday morning I want the same

The days and nights fly by

Looking to embrace the nothing of the everyday...."

-Yo La Tengo, "Everyday" from the album: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out.

Much of my early life was lived by such reverberations. I don't want to bash it. It had it's appeals. No burdens, no responsibilities. Just drift about. Ironically enough I live in a similar way today at times. I'm in the arms of God. I have no idea what will happen today. I want nothing. I want the same tomorrow. And all is well. God has me. My destiny is secured. All is well.

There have been many wants in my life. I want this, I want that. There have been many pleasures. Where did the road lead? Where did the trail move to? A ghetto, a clearing in the woods, filled with the lost. Where do we go from here, I would ask.

How many games of COD are enough? How many run throughs on easy, hard and hardest? Is it fulfilling? How many hours on World of Warcraft until it's enough? When is it fulfilling? What is the purpose of it? What is the meaning? How many hours stoned on pot watching movies of other people doing exciting things? How many nights clinking beers with the local kids until it's finally perfect? How many nights with women, with men, until we've found an ultimate relationship? When oh when will that relationship transcend the shackles of everyday life and give birth to real meaning? Where is true love? When can I have it? Will it be enough?

How many hours of sleep? How many days at the job? How many promotions until godhood? Which horoscopes? How about a tarot reading? How many walks in the middle of the night thinking about the meaning of life? How many days on oxycontin? How many hours awake on methamphetamine? How many cheeky speeches? When will it be enough? What will fill that empty place of meaninglessness? What will finally give an answer? When will the pleasure transcend itself?

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”

says the Teacher.

“Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless.”

3 What do people gain from all their labors

at which they toil under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,

but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,

and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south

and turns to the north;

round and round it goes,

ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,

yet the sea is never full.

To the place the streams come from,

there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,

more than one can say.

The eye never has enough of seeing,

nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun.

-Ecclesiastes 1:2-9 (NIV)

My soul, my being, everything I am is only engulfed by one thing, by one force, by one person: Jesus Christ. I am a turn-soul to him alone. But it wasn't always that way. For many a year I traveled in darkness, figuratively, literally during my endless night-walks. Back in college at the University of Wisconsin I lived in the campus dorms for a spell. At that time I had gone into abstinence from all drugs and alcohol, though I still smoked cigarettes at that time. I remember I really felt alienated from the youngsters in the dorms around me. I was 22, most of them were 19-20. Instead of spending time partying with them, I would go out, literally every night. Seven days a week. I would leave the dorms between 10 and 11 PM and walk the streets. Always at night, winter or summer, I would walk for at least 2 hours a night. Usually around 3 hours a night. I would bring an MP3 player and listen to Indie rock music. And I would let my mind wander.

Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Where do I go from here?

But do you know what was even more puzzling? Why am I the only one who cares? Why does everyone else not seem to think about such things? I know some do. But I am convinced the vast majority simply do not care. They like the popsicles and pleasures of daily life, listen to Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, go get married, have kids, work a job, and never think about why. Nothing could be odder to an INFP like myself.

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost. J. R. R. Tolkien