A Reality Frozen In Anticipation

"I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you—the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter." -C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, pg. 3

There are moments in life when the webbing of our delusions lift, and we are able to see the truth unobstructed. Oh so rarely do we get to see things in the fullness of how they really are. Our preconceptions cloud situations. Our minds cloud things. Society, media, and culture encourage and build upon the misconceptions. Can we see? Can we be humble?

Can I be teachable? Oh humility, remain with me. Let not pride take me to terrible places. Pride is the most deadly enemy. It wants to tell me sweet lies that shift my mind into dangerous places. It wants to blind me with sugary lies about who I am and what I can do.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. -Proverbs 11:2.

So as I walk the empty autumn streets at nightfall I'm reminded of the beauty of a life found in the optimism of humility. And in the presence of God. But God was there with me on a thousand nightwalks before I called him my savior. He was leading my mind along beautiful roads. He was showing me awe inspiring imagery of wind blasted forests, cities stretching across valleys, bubbling rivers, star lit canvasses of trees, street, and black sky.

There is a simple way to live in awe: Look up at the stars at night, for several minutes and just wonder. And listen, listen to the wind blowing, the rain falling, and listen for the vacant wonder of star-filled nights. The moon, the stars, and shooting stars triggering elation. Oh my, Lord, oh my. Can you feel it? Can you feel it pouring over you? Can you feel it vibrating through your very being? If not, rest assured, you will.

The wonder of a moment of beauty, in the night, in the day, in nature or in the city, is a moment when the confusions fall away, the delusions fall away, and all is silent, without, within, and I am perceiving a truth beyond naming.

My mind recoils against it. An intense feeling of revulsion rises. Yet I will not write it off, I will not discount it. How could I?

Look at that tapestry of the sky, the clouds floating by on any given day. It's majestic. It's awe-inspiring. I've seen it a thousand times, but it always inspires me.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. -Ecclesiastes 3:11

Autumn trees and autumn leaves dropping to the ground. The smells of autumn triggering memories in my neocortex. Memories of lost loves, memories of childhood, memories of broken afternoons, and memories meshed together into unnamed emotions.

I could die on some of those days when I inhale the scent of leaves crusted to the dew ridden trail amid the cool of the day, but I must keep moving, wouldn't want to have an embarrassing moment in front of others. Right?

Frustrating, after all I'm not a human doing, I'm a human being. I dream dreams and I see visions. I work hours, and I sleep. I fall in love and make friends. I smile in joy, I cry out in sadness. All in the span of a few years. Yet how can I endure? How can I endure in this broken visage? How can I endure in this darkly mirror?

As I walk through the supermarket I wonder at the thought that though I dream, I am not truly the dreamer, God is the dreamer, and I am his dream. I'm the dream of God, as C.S. Lewis wrote. Do you realize this? Do your comprehend? Your a dream! God dreamed you up. And as Gump said in Legend, "If life is a dream, best dread the waking."

I've dreaded the waking. As is written: The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Which I despised early on. I don't want fear, I want love! Yet trembling in the presence of God is useful. Reverence is wise. Worship is right, and joyous. I couldn't understand that at first, but now I do. God gives wisdom, ask him and you will understand. He loves when we simply ask.