A Heart Of Love: What Am I Seeking In Life? Does It Line Up With My Faith?

We live to follow certain core desires that exist beneath the surface of who we are. It seems like many people live for self-gratification. Many live for desires like pleasure. That's fairly common. Others live for the goal of success, and they pursue that underlying intention through the lens of that which they consider to be success. Others pursue family, the ultimate desire of getting married and having children. And they see their pursuits in life through the lenses of that desire.

Though we don't necessarily realize what we're doing, it's beneath the surface. Many pursue money. I remember one time I asked a reporter who was about to interview me for an SA food drive, "Why do you do what you do? What's your plan for life?" And he seemed surprised by the question, and he said, "Really I'm just after money; making more money." I'm paraphrasing. But it's interesting that something within us so deep, probably from a very young age, can drive our entire life.

My mind was geared toward success for many years. And then for many more years my mind was geared toward hedonism, abhorrently chasing after anything that felt good.

Now a core desire in my life was to be a writer. Why? I wanted to be immortal. I wanted my name to be remembered. In my agnostic atheistic mindset in my late teens and twenties, I felt it was my only hope. But it was also about self-aggrandizement. I wanted to show the world that I was important and valuable. I wanted to say, "Hey, I'm special, I'm unique, look at me, and see how awesome I am!" It's a self-idol in more ways than one. I wanted to be a celebrity I suppose. I bet that's true for many of us.

Many pursue various things, just as I did once. One you hear a lot is happiness. They want to be happy above all else. Others pursue fame, like myself. And I think a lot of these core desires can accidentally transfer over to the Christian life.

As a Christian now, a follower of Jesus, what should my core desires be? How can we make a transplant and switch our core desires from based on self, and what we learned in the past secular world, and receive new core desires? Well the truth is many of us already have. This is of course a work of the Holy Spirit. When we're regenerate, created anew in Christ, we have many new hungers that suddenly bristle up to the surface. And if we water them, and respond in obedience to the Spirit's leading then those new hungers grow and flourish.

Then again, if we insatiably feed the hungers of our flesh and indulge in the endless pleasures of the world, those new hungers can tend to dwindle and fade.

I've asked myself recently about my core desires, and I've been considering which are most dangerous, as a threat to my Christian mindset. And let me be clear: This whole search is a work of God, I'm certain of that much. It's always a work of Him, even if I think it's my own idea.

This is very difficult to admit, I must say, but let's delve into it: What have my core desires been as a Christian? I think it's often been self-aggrandizement. Not always, and not fully, but that is the great danger. My name, in big shiny lights, and all the world thinking Justin is such a wise and useful theologian. God forbid such a mindset! This is truly a terrible thing. And we see it a lot in the celebrity pastors of our day and age. We see a desire for acclaim in the world, and the love of the masses, as the centerpiece I think. They want to be known as great teachers of the law of God, but they fool themselves. Just like I have often fooled myself.

How many times have I written an article, or preached a message, or done a good deed, and I really did it to aggrandize my name, instead of glorify the name of God? How often has my desire been to show my own value and usefulness, instead of the incredible working of God in the world? How often has it been about me, when I touted that it was all about Him? What a terrifying question!

The human soul is so prone to feckless endeavors such as these. And as much as I wish I were above such things, I'm not. None of us are. It's so deadly. And it makes me worry that all the work I put forth will be burned up like dross, and totally destroyed.

What can I do but pray earnestly about this theme? What can I do but struggle against my own self? The "self" is the most deadly enemy of the Christian, as Spurgeon said. It's like a hall of mirrors, because the "self" is essentially me, and it's the mindset I don't notice because I'm living it daily. But if I turn my mind inward, then I can look upon it.