My Story Of Ptsd Series

Authors Notes

We can at times ask the questions such as, why did this happen or why me or perhaps where God was as this developed? This book may not be an answer to all these questions, but I believe this document may help anyone start or continue the process to recovery. There is much that has not been written within this, and this includes many circumstances of my youth and up to Vietnam. This was I believe, because that my mind was blocking these thoughts and actions at times, because I hurt those who loved me by my reactions and decisions, as well, along with some occurrences where I fully did not understand nor relate to my surroundings and relationships due to my immaturity.

However, more yet I have learned that some things need to not be ever mentioned, but be forgotten. This can be especially true if there were negative feelings, actions or thoughts that could prevent us from moving on towards wholeness. It has been said, “Best to forgive and move on” and that is what I believe we all need to strive for. That is because otherwise, the past can continue to control and hold us. This truly has become my progression, and my goal not to let what was given to me in Vietnam is forgotten nor wasted by my lack of effort or decisions. It was my new starting place, another opportunity I had to begin again to enjoy life, one I never want to waste away.

Angel of Death I saw in Vietnam

As I arrived there, waiting for the arriving medical helicopters, sent to fly out the wounded, I had put myself in a position where two or three rocket propelled grenades (R.P.G.’s) that were shot off far away from me by the Vietcong from the previous night’s fight, landed and exploded around me. Then some of the shrapnel from the bombs hit my body. I fell on my knees, as I was fighting desperately to stay alive. I knelt there, bleeding severely from multiple wounds from the flying red-hot shrapnel, I slowly lowered myself to my knees, I did not realize it then I had lost a lot of blood. I tried to compose myself and then I saw what I thought was a vision of an angel, standing still, to my right side about two to three hundred feet away. This uninvited visitor seemed large, being about ten to twelve feet high, draped with a black, hooded cloth that dragged on the ground.

As it stood there, I tried to see its' face, -I noticed, as I focused in, its arms or legs were not visible, either-, yet seeing only a complete darkness beyond the robe. Around this large messenger was a fog that surrounded him and the entire area. In fact, all I saw was this visitor and a dense fog, no war, no battlefield, no bunkers. Although it made no movement towards me, I felt a great sense of danger and fear; it was as though I knew what he came to do!

And while the time of the day seemed to be about ten in the morning, I noticed that the brightness of the day, with a full sun, had turned into a shadow of darkness around this visitor. The sun was nowhere that I could see, and it seemed as if time had stopped! I was doomed and I knew it! I realized that if I should die, that I would go to hell for all my sins. This would be the death of life on earth that included being separated from family, friends and a world I tried to escape from. And this would seal me to a doomed life separated from God, and in Hell with Satan, along with his demons and others who were like me.

I remembered thinking then, of the promise I had made my mother a few months previously that I would return home, I believe now that I would not have, without the humility I felt at that moment. This really shows how much what we say at times can make a difference. I can only imagine now if I had just left without saying what I did to my mother; how the events of my life could have been drastically changed forever if I had done that. Because of the promise I made chose to cry out and say; "God give me another chance; please, and I will do better”.

I have as well, learned we can choose to believe positively, which will intern, change our perceptions of life and daily situations and consequently, influence our actions towards good, or what I call “life” type thinking. Just as well, we can focus on the negative aspects of our life, which will influence our choices and actions towards what I call “death” type thinking. We will go into that in detail, later, as I then begin to relate how we can begin the process of transformation and continue to have a fuller life, as I am endeavouring to do every day I am given. Though we each have our own walk in this life we all experience similar situations, feelings and thoughts that we must deal with as I have shared on. And I have found hope! My hope is in the Lord, Who, helps my soul find and have rest. Was it that easy - far from it! Those choices are there and then decisions are made and at times it may seem as though we do see the light at the end of the tunnel, yet, we can find it is like an incoming train ready to run right over us!