Craig was well-equipped for teaching God’s Word. He was committed to Christ, thoroughly educated, solid in his doctrine, and well-read. He loved to study Scripture and could preach outstanding sermons Sunday after Sunday.
He also saw himself as a gifted pastor. He loved to discuss theology, debate doctrinal issues, and tell people how to apply the truth of God’s Word to everyday life. When people came to him with questions or problems, he prided himself on helping them to quickly get to the heart of the matter by identifying underlying sins in their lives and developing practical plans to grow in godliness.
The trouble was that, as time went by, fewer and fewer people were coming to him for pastoral advice. He would have been shocked to learn that while most of the people in his church respected him as a gifted preacher, many had lost confidence that they could approach him safely with questions, personal problems, and especially criticism, no matter how graciously it was offered. So while Craig’s pulpit ministry seemed to be thriving, his pastoral ministry was withering day by day.
Jason, a pastor in another church, was flourishing in both his preaching and shepherding ministries. He loved to dig into God’s Word and prepare practical lessons and sermons, but he was equally passionate about coming alongside his people, understanding their struggles, and helping them live out the gospel in the issues of daily life. Like the apostle Paul, he had an “Acts 20:20 ministry,” teaching God’s Word “publicly and from house to house.” His people loved him, shared their struggles, ideas, and even their criticisms freely, and together they were growing in their love for God and their passion to build his church.
Craig and Jason shared many characteristics: excellent education, solid theology, and a passion to teach and preach. But there was one major difference between them: Month in and month out, Jason’s flock found him to be consistently approachable, while Craig’s congregation saw him as so distant and above them that they gave up coming to him with their life concerns. Craig was a fine preacher, but he had failed to earn the relational passport needed to shepherd the flock God had entrusted to his care.
Countless leaders in other settings—whether the home, ministry, or workplace—fall into this same habit, which destroys their ability to lead and minister to other people.
Without a Passport, You Cannot Enter
A passport is an authorization to go somewhere. There is no more difficult place to enter than the inner life and deep struggles of another person. If you want people to welcome you into their world—their real, messy world, not the smiling façade we all put up—you must earn a relational passport.
In order to gain a passport into the lives and struggles of other people, you must relate to them in such a way that they would answer “yes” to three key questions, each of which contains a variety of sub-questions that roll around in the back of people’s minds:
- Can I trust you? Will you maintain confidentiality? Will you lose respect for me or judge me if I allow you to see how badly I’ve blown it? Will you be gentle and patient, even when I’m exasperating? Will you reject me if I don’t do everything right? Will you assume the best about me, or will you jump to conclusions and blame me for all my problems? Can I trust you with the “fine china” of my life?
- Do you really care about me? Are you just politely tolerating me or fulfilling an obligation? Or do you really want to help me? Why? How could anyone love a person with such problems? Will you take time to listen to me? Do you care enough to push past my outer defenses and take time to help me sort out the tangled mess in my heart? Will you love me like Jesus does, even when I’m not very lovable?
- Can you actually help me? Are you competent to deal with my issues? How are you doing with your own challenges and struggles? Do you have a track record of successfully solving these kinds of problems? What kind of training or experience do you have? If this problem is beyond the two of us, do you have the humility and wisdom to help me find another person who has the experience I need?
Every time a leader engages someone, he or she is either building or destroying their own passport. Use a counseling story as a sermon illustration without fully concealing the identity of the counselees, and you’ve lost the trust of an entire congregation. Refer with mocking humor to a letter from a member, and you’ve signaled your entire flock not to share their concerns with you. Brush past a person who is clearly trying to catch your attention, and she may not reach out a second time. Jump to conclusions about the reasons for someone’s struggles, and the conversation will quickly come to an end. Give hurried or superficial advice, and your people will look elsewhere next time.
The Characteristics of an Approachable Leader
One of the most effective ways to gain a passport with your people is to deliberately and persistently cultivate the image of an “approachable” leader. An approachable leader makes people feel safe; they know they are welcome to come to you with questions, concerns, or even criticism. In order to gain this image and reputation, a leader needs to deliberately put off “passport killers” and cultivate attitudes and relational habits that encourage people to open up and draw near.
Maintain a “gentle authority slope.” The Bible teaches that God has established authority arrangements in the family, church, workplace, and in civil government to maintain peace and order. As Jesus warned in Mark 10:42-45, however, sin often tempts leaders to “lord it over” others by over-emphasizing their own authority and others' responsibility to be submissive. As servant-leaders cultivate the Christ-like attitude described in passages like Philippians 2:1-11, they can replace the “steep slope” of authoritarianism with a “gentle authority slope” that is easy for people to climb and invites them to bring questions, concerns, and correction to a leader rather than letting something fester.
- Fight pride and cultivate true humility. Leaders often have more training and experience than other people. This strength can easily become a weakness if a leader allows pride to produce a superior attitude that thoughtlessly rejects ideas, advice, or correction. As Andrew Murray writes,
All want of love; all indifference to the needs, the feelings, the weakness of others; all sharp and hasty judgments and utterances, so often excused under the plea of being outright and honest; all manifestations of temper and touchiness and irritation; all feelings of bitterness and estrangement, have their root in nothing but pride, that ever seeks itself.[1]
Many leaders conceal a proud attitude under a demeanor of humility, which is not the same as actual humility. One of the many evidences of actual humility is the inclination to “consider others better than yourself,” which results in valuing their thoughts and interests as highly as your own (Phil. 2:3-4). A closely related evidence of humility is to sincerely welcome critique and correction, no matter who brings the “observation” (Prov. 13:10, 17:10).
Listen deeply before jumping to problem-solving. People often know what they should do to solve a problem, but sometimes they still need to lay the situation out in front of someone who will listen compassionately and make them feel heard and understood. Therefore, people are much more likely to open up to a leader who has developed the discipline of listening patiently and deeply, offering solutions only after others have shared all they want to reveal and are ready to explore solutions (see Prov. 18:13).
Be quick to confess sins, whether large or small. When people confront a leader with a mistake or sin that is embarrassing or seems insignificant, natural defensiveness will often tempt the leader to minimize the wrong or explain it away. An insecure leader may even shift the focus to an improper attitude or perception in the accuser (“What is going on in your heart that would cause you to find fault with me?”). This type of response will either provoke a debate or stifle discussion, both of which will confirm that it is a waste of time to approach that leader. Therefore, a wise leader will listen patiently to complaints, pray for God’s help in discerning any truth in them, even if only a grain, and then model humility by sincerely confessing that wrong and thanking the brother or sister for drawing it to his/her attention (see Matt. 7:3-4; Prov. 15:32, 17:10).
Be slow to confront sin in others. When people are confused, suffering, dissatisfied, or feeling they have been wronged, they have often contributed to their problem in some way; it is equally likely that they may speak sinfully as they unload their complaints to others. Unless there is a clear danger of irreparable harm, it is usually helpful to give people uninterrupted time to get their thoughts and feelings out in the open, even if they are tainted with sin, so that you can accurately discern the issues that are burdening them. Once you have demonstrated your concern and compassion through patient listening, people will generally be more open to hearing words of counsel or correction (see John 4:1-30).
Make yourself truly accountable to others. If people believe that they alone will have to convince you that you are wrong about something, they may not even try to speak to you, especially if you have strong verbal skills. But if they know that you are accountable to other leaders in the church, leaders who can be called in to help address unresolved issues, most people will be more inclined make the attempt to engage you on points of concern or disagreement. Therefore, a wise leader will make an earnest effort to demonstrate that he or she is genuinely accountable to other leaders who have the strength and willingness to deal candidly and thoroughly with questionable issues in their life.
Get an “Approachability Checkup”
Even when leaders sincerely want to be approachable, they are often blind to the ways they push people away. (This is certainly true of me!) If you have the courage to learn how approachable you are, there are several tests you can take.
First, read through this article a second time and ask God to help you evaluate yourself on each of the listed characteristics.
Second, give your spouse and children a copy of this article and ask them to give you feedback on each of the qualities listed above. Encourage them to give you specific examples of your strengths or weaknesses in each area.
Third, meet with your leadership team and assess your institutional culture, asking whether any of the polity or cultural dynamics described above may be undermining your approachability. Then evaluate yourselves as individuals and as a team, giving thanks for good examples of approachability and confessing areas of weakness.
Fourth, have the courage to go beyond your inner circle and ask for input from people who have the courage to tell you things, like the Sunday school teacher who always questions your ideas, or the member who has been cool since that meeting in your office a few months ago. (Every time I’ve done this exercise myself, I have been convicted to learn that others don’t see me as being nearly as approachable as I imagine they do.) [5]
Fifth, if you (either individually or as a leadership team) want truly candid and uninhibited feedback, provide a way for people to communicate their thoughts to you without fear of later being reproached or marginalized for saying something that you may not like to hear. One way to do this is to commission one or two uniformly trusted members in your church or ministry to meet with a variety of people and listen to their candid feedback on your approachability, with the assurance that their comments will be presented to you as a composite rather than identified with specific individuals. Although this approach falls short of the ideal of forthright individual communication, it follows a well-established biblical principle of having mediators diffuse intimidating encounters (Ex. 20:18-19; 1 Sam. 19:1-6; 1 Tim. 2:5). It will usually provide much more robust, specific, and reliable information by not putting individuals in a threatening position.
Finally, ask God to help you take others’ insights and advice to heart. Confess specific failures to individuals you’ve offended. If God opens your eyes to a pattern of weaknesses that have impacted many people, ask him to give you the humility and courage to confess to that entire group. If this requires confessing to an entire congregation, you may be able to do so as part of a sermon on “The Grace of Christ-Like Approachability” (which is a quality that every Christian should cultivate, especially if they are in a position of authority—whether in the family, church, or workplace).
Becoming an approachable leader and earning a passport into others’ lives is no easy task. The very qualities that cause others to recognize a person as a leader can also result in an image or demeanor that keeps others closed off and distant. No one was more likely to have such an aura than Jesus. Yet his humility, love, and desire to connect intimately with others were so strong that people were constantly drawn into the safety of his presence and wanted him to enter deeply into their lives. If you are a leader, I encourage you to make it your life-long pursuit to draw on God’s grace and develop this same approachability in your life.
Footnotes
[1] Humility, Andrew Murray (Wilder Publications, Radford, VA, 2008), p. 13.
[2] Two books I recommend on cultivating humility are Humility, Andrew Murray (Wilder Publications, Radford, VA, 2008), and Humility: True Greatness, C.J. Mahaney (Multnomah, Sisters, OR, 2005).
[3] For superb insights into the biblical concept of shepherd leadership, I highly recommend While Shepherds Watch Their Flocks, Tim Laniak (ShepherdLeader Publications, 2007).
[4] As Ed Clowney wisely wrote, “Better by far are imperfect structures in the hands of devoted servants of Christ than the most biblical form of church government practiced in pride or in a loveless and vindictive spirit” (The Church, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, Il, 1995, p. 202).
[5] You can begin this process with an email like this: “Dear ___, I would like your assistance in gaining an accurate assessment of how “approachable” I am to other people. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would do me the great favor of reading the attached article and giving me your candid feedback on how approachable I am in your eyes. You may do this in any way that is comfortable for you, whether offering some general observations, or evaluating me in light of any or all of the characteristics described in the attached article. It would be especially helpful if you could provide specific examples that illustrate my strengths or weaknesses in any of these areas. I sincerely want to become more approachable to others, so the more candid and specific your feedback, the better. Thank you!”