Parenting - a calling that is not for cowards
Parents - I want to talk to you this morning. I feel a little like the man who reportedly said, “Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.” Ever feel that way? More times than I want to admit, I’ve wondered if I was equal to the task of raising my children in a godly way.
Occasionally Bev and I were ready to turn in our parenting resignation, but we couldn’t find anyone to accept it! If that’s where you are, Mom or Dad, I’d encourage you to hang in there. It does get better. Apart from my wife, there are no others in the world I love like my children and grandchildren - and, as you know, there are no others who have caused me to cry more tears and feel more anxiety! I love being a Dad and now, a Grandpa.
Nothing I do in this world has provided me more pleasure to me than my children. Part of the reason for that is that we chose to be parents in a godly way. I’d like to share some of His wisdom and our experience with you today.
PRAYER
I am much in debt to Larry Christenson, author of The Christian Family, for the seed thoughts of this message. His understanding of the Bible as it relates to the family is phenomenal.
Parent - there are three words are what I want to impress on you this morning:
Train, Discipline, and Love. (Repeat those with me, please.)
1. TRAIN your children.
God says- "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
(Proverbs 22:6, NIV)
Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Except for two major things -
1. Children do not like to be trained, and 2. One size does not fit all!
Bev and I raised four children and they could not be more different. Despite coming from the same home, being taught the same lessons, they are unique. My oldest son is a serious man, a family man whose greatest joy is being with his wife. He married young, fathered two children, bought a home, fixed it up, and went to work. My second son, just 20 months younger, is the adventurer. He finished a four year degree in 6 or 7 years at three different colleges, with breaks in between to visit places like Costa Rica and the Solomon Islands. If you mention children to him he breaks out in a fearful sweat! Chrissy is our driven child, the one who like achievement and measures herself by marathons! Maribel is even more different from the rest of them.
Early on, it became apparent that the methods we used to train each child would be very different.
But there are common threads that all parents will observe in keeping God’s command to train their children.
A. Instruction
It seems that instruction never ends when you’re parenting. An astounding amount of information needs to be downloaded into the child’s brain in those first few years of life. Manners, hygiene, tying shoes, times tables, driving cars, using computers, recognizing danger.... the list seems endless. Those responsibilities ought to be obvious to each parent.
Parent, if you have prepared your child for success in life and forgotten to prepare him for eternity, you have failed at the most important point! The ancient Israelites were told -
“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." (Deuteronomy 6:6-8, NIV) In a wonderful way, that passage tells us that we cannot separate daily life from godly life. We must instruct our children in the ways of God, everywhere and in everything we do.
In this age of relativism and exaggerated individualism, many parents have a real reluctance about instructing their children in virtue, helping them to understand that there is a God in Heaven who desires them to live holy and submitted lives. Your kids need to know that there is a right way to live and a wrong way to live.
I’m amazed at conversations I have with older teens from time to time about life choices, only to discover that they know little about the importance of moral excellence.
They don’t understand that integrity is an important choice, that truthfulness is not negotiable!
In this time of sexual promiscuity, many do not know that having sex outside of marriage is morally wrong.
When it suggested to some that they learn to give away a significant percentage of their income to the
needy and to the work of God, they look surprised for greed, to many, is good!
Probably the one thing that my parents taught me, for which I am most grateful, is that there are absolutes - absolute right and wrong, and that God holds me accountable for following His ways.
Where do we learn what is right and what is wrong? From the Scripture! As we read and study the Bible we are instructed about God’s demands of us. We bring the stories and principles of that Book to bear on our daily lives and actively find ways to talk about the Word in relationship to life with our kids.
Of course, just because we teach them, there is no assurance that they will always do what is right. Do you or I? Why would they be perfect if we aren’t? But, we need to raise the standard of holy living with our kids, fearlessly teaching them about virtue.
B. Set rules and establish boundaries.
As you instruct, so you must be prepared to build fences! I am simply astonished when a Mom or Dad of a 2 year old tells me, “I just can’t make him do a thing. He won’t go to bed. He won’t eat what I prepare.”
Huh? You’re way bigger, supposedly much smarter - and you can’t find creative ways to get him to change his behaviors? Truthfully - I suspect that you just don’t want to put up with the tantrums involved in enforcing boundaries OR you, too, hate boundaries and are rebellious at heart.
Pastor Christenson writes - “The child who grows up without encountering a firm rule to which his will and behavior must bend is a deprived child in the most elemental sense: he has a lazy and undisciplined parent.”
There is a principle that I will stand by always - Children thrive on order and routine. But there is a corollary, you cannot order the life of your child if you live your own life in a way that is disorderly. Nowhere is that any more true than in the spiritual matters of life.
If you will provide the appropriate boundaries for your child, taking down fences as they grow more mature, giving them access to a wider world as they are mature enough, someday they will thank God for a parent who was courageous enough to make rules and enforce them!
C. Live as a model.
When Paul taught early Christians, he said this, “Imitate me in my discipleship, as I imitate Christ.” He was inviting them to inspect his life and then to walk the pathway he was blazing for them.
Our kids need models! There are thousands of models out there begging them to follow in their footsteps. Celebrities, rock musicians, and actors are inviting your kids to imitate them! Peers are saying, “Follow us. Be cool by doing what we do.”
But parent you have a natural advantage in this department, so don’t blow it! The first few years of life you are a hero to that child. Establish yourself as his/her model, gain respect. Get yourself in line with Christ, walking in His footsteps and then invite your kids to walk in yours.
Pastor Christenson relates a story from his youth about going to a summer camp for three weeks with a lot of kids who did not come from Christian homes. During that camp season he learned a new vocabulary of vulgarity and profanity. He says, “I soaked up the new words like a sponge.” But his brief flirtation with cursing ended with the powerful example of his Dad. One day his Dad heard Larry curse and turned to him saying, “You know that I don’t swear and - I don’t want you to swear either.” End of story! Dad’s discipline of his own tongue quickly translated into a model for a son.
If you are not submitted to God, you cannot realistically expect that your children will submit to you. They will sense your rebellion and imitate it, because of the sinful nature they have inherited. So, get it right with God and then ask God for help in getting it right with your kids.
2. Discipline your children.
There is a verse, much abused and misused, from the Proverbs. It says, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." (Proverbs 13:24, NIV) Some fools see that as a reason to abuse their kids! That’s not what I am teaching today.
What is the Bible telling us?
That we must back up our training with appropriate authority and discipline.
Listen to that same verse from the NLT -
"If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love them; if you love your children, you will
be prompt to discipline them." (Proverbs 13:24, NLT)
The books of Hebrews makes much the same argument saying,
“As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Whoever
heard of a child who was never disciplined? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children,
it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children after all. Since we respect our earthly
fathers who disciplined us, should we not all the more cheerfully submit to the discipline of our heavenly
Father and live forever?”
Consistent, loving discipline is one of the primary evidences of God’s love for us and one of the ways that we show we love our kids. Why? Because the Bible says that "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him. " (Proverbs 22:15, NKJV) Once again, understand the intent of that wisdom! It isn’t saying, “beat your kids!” It is saying, ‘exercise authority and discipline your children in a way that will change their ways.” The Message translation says– "Young people are prone to foolishness and fads; the cure comes through tough-minded discipline."
There is a lie that is foisted on us from every side that insists that we are good at heart and that if we do wrong it is because we lack education or opportunity. To think that we are just ‘bad,’ is almost incomprehensible to many of us. We bring this foolishness to our role as parents.
Ill.- When 3 year-old Jimmie starts hitting his sister over the head, we quickly rush in with reason, as though he needs to understand that hitting Jane on the head hurts or is wrong. Jimmie knows both things already and our attempts explain it all to him are ridiculous and he knows it! Strangely, we think, “If I just make it clear to Jimmie that hitting Jane on the is a not in her best interest, his innate goodness and reasonableness will kick him and he will correct himself.” That’s just plain nuts.
Next thing we do is try to bribe him into change. “If you go a whole day without hitting Jane on the head, I’ll take you to the store and buy you a present.” What does that kind of nonsense teach Jimmie? He’s no fool, so he soon figures out, if I act badly, but not too badly, I can weasel a gift out of my Dad!
Jimmie needs immediate discipline to reinforce previous teaching.
The best and most effective way to change his behavior is to immediately take him aside, tell him sternly (no yelling needed because your goal is not to terrorize but to correct) that he cannot smack his sister over the head, and then to back it up with consequence. Personally, I would take Jimmie and turn him over my knee and administer a couple of swats to his backside! No, not in rage, not to harm him, but to reinforce my disapproval of his actions.
Some ask, “By being violent with Jimmie, aren’t you teaching him to be violent with others?” Again, though in so many ways we are so wise, we are fools! If you’re calm, collected, intentional in your correction, Jimmie intuitively understands the difference between the swats on his backside and the way he hit his sister over the head! On the other hand, if you lose your temper, grab the little guy, yelling and cursing, and hit across the face, you have indeed taught him a lesson in violence.
It becomes a little more difficult to discipline our children as they get older. We must become more creative and learn the best ways to bring correction to each one. But the same kind of discipline is consistently necessary. Teach and reinforce with discipline. Time outs and spankings are ridiculous for teenagers, but suspending privileges and/or grounding is very effective. Taking away access to TV’s, computers, or cars gets attention, too.
Don’t expect them to give up easily, but if your discipline is fair, consistent, and starts early, your child will understand principles of authority and bend to your will much more easily.
Help them to know it’s a spiritual matter, too.
A caution - Don’t go for the win, just to win!
Parent, if you’re just on an authority trip, proving to them that you’re in charge for no real reason, they’ll resist with everything in themselves. But, if you’re life is in order in terms of spiritual authority, if you’re submitted to your boss, to the law of the land, and to God, they’ll realize you’re acting out of principle.
Fear is not a always a terrible thing either. Please understand the way in which I use that term, fear. The Bible says that the ‘fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.’ A Christian who loses his awe of God, who grows overly familiar with the Lord, will wander into sin. Likewise, a son or daughter who loses their respect for their parents is headed for trouble. Please, please do not for a moment think that I am advocating beating kids into fear, or terrorizing them with cruelty. That is a crime and a sin!
Live respectably. Give your kids reason to say, “My parents are good people, fair people, who always do what is right and who want me to do what is right.” Yeah, let them live in awe of you as you live in awe of God!
Lastly, as parents we are commissioned to
3. Love your children!
Do you really love your children? I’m sure you’re ready to say, “Of course, I do.” Is your love for them a Christ-like, sacrificial love?
Though we provide for their physical needs, make sure they are well fed, clothed, given medical care - we sometimes fail at real love which goes beyond those things to include our time, our prayers, a willingness to die to self to create a Christ-centered home where they will flourish spiritually.
Especially for little children, I advocate that love include ample amounts of hugs, family cuddle time on the couch, wrestling with your boys, etc. Dad, don’t just leave physical expressions of affection for your children up to their Mom! Until my kids were well into their adolescence, I hugged them when they left for school, kissed them when they were tucked in for bed, and made sure they not only heard my words of love, but knew I loved them. To this day, we express love physically.
Why do I think this is important? Because tenderness is taught and love appropriately expressed in physical ways for little children, speaks volumes to them in ways our words never can.
I seldom end a conversation with my children (now 24 to 29) without saying, “I love you!” in one way or another. They need that affirmation now and they needed all the while they were growing up.
Choose to spend time with your kids, little or big. Forget that silliness about ‘quality time.’ They want time period, and they need it. Show them love by inviting them to work alongside of you. There are two gains from that - they learn a skill and you gain a friend. Let them help you with the yardwork, even if you could get it done faster alone! Let them cook alongside of you.
When you doing an errand, invite them to ride along, and stop along the way for ice cream.
When you travel, send them a card, or bring home something that says, “I’m thinking about you!”
Pray with them and for them - everyday. Let them hear you talking to God about them! It’s is amazingly affirming to hear your Dad talking to His Heavenly Father about you. I know! It still fills me with great joy and peace me up when my Mom or Dad prays for me.
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Be a great Parent!
It does not require that you spend $thousands, go exotic places, or do wild things.
But it demands lots of wisdom (which God freely provides to those who ask Him for it), great courage, and tons of stamina.
Take these three words and put them into practice:
Train, Discipline, and Love.
Amen.
Jerry D. Scott copyright 2006
all rights reserved
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