The Heart of the Home
Wives, it’s your turn this morning! Seriously, I am preaching today in the context of the Christian wife and mother. I believe that the Bible teaches that a man and woman who enter into the marriage covenant, invoke a wholly different set of responsibilities in this world. I urge you to contextualize this message within marriage, for the married woman.
Now, I need to say that presenting a sermon about the woman in the Christian is a real challenge for this
Pastor.
1. The obvious reason - I’m not a woman. (Now there’s a revelation!) I have lived with a wonderful woman for almost 31 years now, but she remains a mysterious creature to me in a lot of ways.
EX.- I don’t get tears - after all this time. Sometimes they mean, ‘hold me,’ and sometimes they mean, ‘if you come within reach I’ll tear out your eyes.’
I realize that the world looks very different to Bev than it does to me.
EX.- When our kids are going through a tough time, my inclination is to say, “You know life is tough. You’ll make it. And, if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you strong!” Her inclination is to say, “They are so sad. I wish I could be there for them.” They will forever be her babies!
2. Another reason this sermon is a challenge is because of all the ‘stuff’ that is wrapped around the core truths about the role of the woman in the Christian family. Few subjects provoke the same kinds of reactions that preaching about Divine Order will stir up.
3. And, then there is my fear that I will heard as advocating the old line about keeping your woman at home, barefoot and pregnant! Too often, what comes across in sermons about the role of the Christian wife implies that she is best when she is baking pies, putting on Band-Aids, and meeting the sexual needs of her husband. I don’t want to slip into that stereotype, for that has more to do with an ideal coming from American culture, than a Scripturally based one!
Well, let’s go, but first, let’s pray! PRAYER
This message divides into two main concerns - Responsibilities and Role
What are the core responsibilities of a woman and what is her primary role relationship within the family?
Let’s talk about the role, the place God has assigned to the Christian woman in her family.
TEXT - Ephesians 5: 22-23, 33 Pew Bible page 1823
Submit - there it is, that word that you all knew was coming! It is a much mis-used and misunderstood concept. And, to be completely honest, a hated word by a large segment of women in our culture. Many hear it as a word that is demeaning, that suggests that she is an inferior person, and that suggests domestic slavery.
The Bible implies none of those things in God’s call for a married woman to choose to submit to her husband.
∙ The model for that submission is the Believer’s submission to Jesus Christ as Lord. There is nothing negative in that concept, is there? I voluntarily submit to Jesus, considering it an honor to follow Him. Yes, my submission to Him is an act of respect. It is also a choice that I’ve learned provides great benefit to me. So I’d urge you to jump over the cultural barriers that might keep you from considering this challenge.
∙ It is not an isolated text that supports the submission of the wife to her husband. The NT Scripture is consistent in calling on women to this choice. While the Bible is clear about the equality of men and women before God and in the exercise of spiritual gifts, it is crystal clear that within the home there is an order and that women who honor God will choose to submit themselves to their husbands ‘for the Lord’s sake.’
∙ Nor is the call to submission, as some suggest, merely rooted in the patriarchal societies in which the Scripture authors lived. Divine Order emerges from the mind of God Himself from the beginning. He created Adam, and then, from Adam’s rib, He created Eve.
Some say that submission was the result of the Fall of Humanity into sin. When Adam and Eve were ejected from the Garden, God said to the woman,
“Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16, NIV)
So doesn’t that mean that when we become Believers, and overcome the curse, submission disappears? No! That is a misreading of the Word. Divine Order in the family came first, part of the perfect Creation. Sin corrupts Divine Order. Headship, which is to be an expression of godly servant leadership becomes dominance. Submission, which is to be a choice of honor leading to care and esteem for the woman, becomes a means of men ruling women, exploiting them.
So what is Biblical submission?
1. Though I have called it her role, the truth is that submission is a
response to her husband’s godly leadership, a way that she empowers him to care for his family! In Ephesians 5, it is not the wife who is in primary focus, but rather the husband. The husband is to love and serve the needs of his wife, and she, in turn, is to respond with honor and respect!
Christian husband - if your wife is rebelling against your leadership, the first place to look for a solution is in yourself. (Note, I did not say it was always your fault, or only your fault. But, it is not ‘her problem!’ alone.) Wife if you fight your husband for leadership in your family, he will most likely abdicate to you. There is a lot of social pressure today for him to do so. We live in a society that is very feminized. If he has to wrestle with you for headship, he will feel like a dog. He will hate appealing to power and he’ll just emotionally detach himself.
If you want your husband to lead, let him! When you submit to him you’re saying to him, “I believe in you and I want you to succeed.”
OK, I can read some of your minds.
“You don’t know the man I’m married to. He’s like a big boy and if I don’t take charge, we’ll be in a mess.” Probably he is a big boy ‘cause his Mommy rescued him again and again and then handed him off to you and you’re stuck with this man-child! Time to let him grow up.
{Parents, one of the best investments you can make in your son’s future is to teach him to accept responsibility and that will mean allowing him to taste defeat. Is that hard? You bet it is. But, you’re not doing him any favors by meeting his bills, cleaning up his messes, and making excuses for him. }
2. Submission is an act of faith, an expression of your love of God and His Truth.
Peter writes, "You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, when she called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do."
(1 Peter 3:4-6, NLT)
Sarah’s submission to Abraham did not come from the fact that he was a perfect husband! He lied about his relationship to her on a couple of occasions and got them both in a difficult situation. He doubted God and took her maid as his concubine, producing a child that became a source of great conflict in their home. But, she submitted to him because she knew it was God’s requirement of her. Wife, God requirement of you is the choice of submission.
Let’s be clear. Submission is not absolute. If your husband leads you into sin, you have the right to seek the help of godly leadership to set things right. In God’s plans, concepts are interconnected. A primary concern of the Christian church is for justice, to speak out in defense of the oppressed - and that includes women who are being abused by cruel husbands! Tragically, too often, when a wife comes seeking the help of the church in bringing correction, the cowardly decision is just let it go. Thus, some men who claim to be Christian are allowed to go on failing, or worse, abusing their wives without accountability. Think how safe a woman would feel in making the submission decision, if she knew that those who were elders of the church would correct and teach her husband if he was consistently acting in an ungodly way?
But, remember this. If your decision, as a wife, is Christ-honoring, his sinfulness becomes God’s problem and God will discipline the husband who misuses the sacred trust of leadership in his home!
Now, let’s talk about responsibilities.
READ Titus 2: 3-5 Pew Bible page 1858
At the core of the passage is this statement - “they love their husbands and children.”
Wife and mother, that’s your primary responsibility in this world. It’s not the only thing you do, but it the first responsibility of your life in God’s plan.
Remember last week I read the Creation account? We read there, “For Adam, no suitable helper was found...” and then God made woman - as the complement, the completer of the man. No, you’re not his ‘go-fer’ and if he treats you that way, he’s either ignorant of Biblical truth, or worse, he’s a fool - for by devaluing you, he hurts himself in the end. The Word is plain - husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. - Eph. 5, NLT
Wife, you’re not inferior to your husband, but you are to be his completer!
The Bible says, "For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man." (1 Corinthians 11:8-9, NKJV)
Dear woman, if you think you’re hearing a put-down, think again. That man, without you, is an unfinished being. He desperately needs you.
I’m not one of those who believes that the Bible precludes a woman from holding a job outside of the home. I simply do not think that case can be made if one carefully studies the whole of the Scripture. But here is what I will say without apology -
if anything you’re doing in life is stealing your energy and desire from loving your husband and children, your life is out of order!
If your energies are diverted into someone or something in a way that makes you less attentive to your husband, if you’re finding your primary fulfillment outside of your family, if you’re children are secondary to your personal interests - you’re trading true wealth for fool’s gold in the long run. The possible implications for your life are too many to list, but they are real!
Robert Lewes and William Hendricks published a book called, Rocking the Roles, back in the early 90’s. I am indebted to their thoughts about my next points. They capture the critical contributions that a wife can make to her husband’s well-being in three areas.
A. His Identity
Women know what they’re about - they are life bearers! That is why almost every woman wants, sooner or later, to have a child and why the inability to conceive and carry children is such a crushing disappointment for a woman. Her identity is life-bearer.
Ask Bev what gives her life a primary sense of being and worth and she’ll start talking about her children! Yes, she is my wife, she is a teacher of first graders, but her sense of identity is found in this word - Mom!
Men have no similar core identity. They need to define themselves. That’s why they compete, drive themselves in the sports arena, build huge corporations, go to war, work hard, and play hard. They are working at creating a sense of identity. But when he finds a wife, and loves her as he is taught by Christ, he literally becomes the husband of his wife and she provides an anchor point and a primary reference for him in identifying himself to the world.
Yes, ultimately, man and woman find their identity in knowing Christ, but woman, your love is what shapes his identity more than anything else. He will nearly kill himself for your praise, your genuine admiration. Ever notice how he wants you to come and see what he’s done? Unless, of course, you have belittled him, in which case he’ll find someone else who will admire him.
Lewes writes- “A man has two mirrors in his life - one is his work, the other his wife. Both reflect back to him messages about his manhood. Over time, what he sees in those mirrors will either lead him to satisfaction or deep frustration.” pg. 120
B. His Security
Men seldom admit to being insecure, but they are! Deep down, generally a man is much less secure than women. That’s why he’s always working to prove himself. It’s one reason for that old joke about the failure to ask directions! A man’s worth to himself is established by wins/loses, by job titles, by external stuff to which he can point and say, “I did that!”
If you’re a constant critic, a nag, that man you’re married to will increasingly hide himself behind ‘stuff,’ or he’ll retreat into his emotional cave, leaving you lonely and himself afraid, but with no one to tell.
That’s one of the reasons alcoholism and suicide are much bigger issues for men than for women. We are terrible at letting anybody know that we don’t know what to do next. Wife, over time, you can become his confidante and your intimacy will deepen. What likely started primarily as a physical attraction, will mature into a genuine emotional intimacy, but only if you tend the emotional garden in your marriage and make it grow. He won’t! Here’s what the Bible says so succinctly –
"A worthy wife is her husband’s joy and crown; a shameful wife saps his strength." (Proverbs 12:4, NLT)
C. His Performance, personal worth
Ask most men what they want to know about and they’ll ask for practical advice about how to win, how to get ahead, how to catch the biggest fish, raise the smartest kids, build the best deck, create the fastest computer!
∙ Read through a magazine oriented to a female audience and you will find articles about communication, romance, and relationships.
∙ Pick up a magazine for men (no, not that kind of magazine) and you’ll find articles about building, winning, and adventures!
He’s about competition and wants he wants to know, dear wife, is that you think he’s a winner. He will turn the world upside down to earn your praise, especially publicly. Flip side of that is, if you want to destroy your connection to him, mock him in public! He’ll turn off to you like a light switch.
For those of you married to that man in his late 40’s or early 50’s, there is that stage we make fun of called, mid-life, but for many it is a real crisis! Perhaps for the first time in his adult life he is confronted with his own mortality, realizing that his strength is declining, that he needs glasses, and even that his sexual desire isn’t what it once was. Since life is defined by what he does, he starts to feel worthless and he’s a prime candidate for all kinds of temptations and stupidity. Wife, help him: not by making jokes about him, but by telling him what he does so well.
Those who transit the midlife crisis well by building strong emotional ties in their marriage, have a huge advantage at making their later years much happier, when a couple needs each other in ways they never did up to that point in their lives.
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One of the saddest things in the world to me, is an older couple who have lost touch with each other over time and who now live separate lives. Other than to please God, my greatest desire is to deepen my love for Bev every year until death wrenches us apart. I have no desire to travel without her, to keep things from her, to be apart from her. She is my best friend, and I tell her that! The Bible reminds us
“Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? " (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11, NKJV)
Wife, it’s not just up to you, but you’re the HEART of the HOME, in almost every circumstance. You will keep the relationship alive more than he will. Yes, he must cooperate, but you’re the one who will keep the bridge in good shape!
So, share his interests and invite him to share yours. Sometimes you will find it easier to just go and have a good times with your women friends. But, you will be sorry in the end if you do that to the exclusion of your husband. The truth is, according to researchers, that husbands value recreational time with their wives second only to sex. He wants you to come along and spend time with him!
He wants you to dream with him. Enter into his adventure. He needs the adventure to live, but he needs you to share it. Let him talk out loud about that trip, that next purchase, his next job,... whatever. Don’t jump in too quickly with advice or with your dose of reality. He will stop talking and dreaming with you. Instead, listen and he will invite you to be his counselor and, you can pray for the Lord to protect him from himself!
Why all this emphasis on relating to your husband?
Because, for the married woman, nothing else in the world can produce as much joy or as much sorrow as the relationship in the home! There is an old joke line that says, “Happy wife, happy life.” It is more true that you might think. IF you, dear wife, make the godly choices to submit to your husband, to draw him into intimate connections with you and his family, you are fulfilling your primary responsibility. God has made you to be the Heart of the Home even as He made your husband to be the Head of the house.
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Our marriages exist for the glory of God! Let’s make them strong by following God’s orders, by listening to His wisdom, and by loving, as He loves us. Wife, pray for that husband. If your marriage is sour, broken, and seemingly beyond repair, cry out to the Lord and seek His help. In the love of God, there is healing for you and for your husband. Let’s trust Him for that. Amen.
Jerry D. Scott Copyright, 2006
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