The Head of the House
Men, brace yourselves! You’re my target today. I’m going to talk primarily to husbands and fathers in this message.
Wives, you can prepare your elbows. Go ahead, move a little closer to him so you can really dig in if I happen to make a point you think needs to be underlined. Yeah, nudge him right now, just for practice.
You teenagers, you should pay attention so you have ammunition, too. Next time your Dad acts in a way you don’t like you can say, “Pastor Jerry said....” Speaking from experience, I can tell you that guilt is a very powerful motivator in your Dad’s life. He’s already unsure about exactly how he’s supposed to relate to you, so if you can use my words to make him feel a little more guilty, you just might get your way!
TV provides a common reference point for Americans. Few things exert the same influence over our lives like the programming on TV. Dad, what TV dad can you identify with? There are many - ranging from terrible to wonderful, with quite a few in between.
An article from the Pittburgh Post Gazette, Father’s Day, 2005, listed some of those dads...
∙ You old-timers will remember - ANDY TAYLOR, Andy Griffith ("The Andy Griffith Show") A widowed Southern sheriff, Andy Taylor, living in a small town with his young son, Opie (Ronny Howard) If ever television offered American dads a reason to emulate a sitcom character, this was the show. Andy taught Opie by example, with life lessons about honesty, compassion, respect. And when he screwed up, as fathers do, he admitted his mistake.
∙ Another 50’s TV Dad was WARD CLEAVER, Hugh Beaumont ("Leave It To Beaver")
He’s strict without being a crank and sweet without being a doormat for his kids to wipe their feet on, like most modern TV dads. When Ward lets something slide, you know it’s just because the Beav and Wally have already learned a valuable life lesson.
∙ My family watched “The Cosby Show” and loved CLIFF HUXTABLE, Bill Cosby
I wished I had his corny but likeable sense of humor. Cliff was a committed husband, and a father who doted on and disciplined his numerous children.
∙ Unforgettable was Michael Landon, playing CHARLES INGALLS - ("Little House on the Prairie")
Pa Ingalls was a man of we all would have loved to be..... with a beautiful and sweet wife, possessing a big heart, he cried great big tears of frontier sorrow but managed to manly through it all. His patience with adversity was amazing... dealing with a daughter’s blindness, crop failures, and life’s ordinary stuff. His affection for his family came through loud and clear when he gave a hug to Half-Pint (Melissa Gilbert).
∙ One of my personal favorite TV dads is still on. THE REV. ERIC CAMDEN, Stephen Collins ("7th Heaven") He deserves sainthood just for putting up with his wife, Annie (Catherine Hicks), but the Rev. also gets the nod for sagely guiding his children -- and the assorted stray children who have lived in the Camden home over the years -- through a laundry list of crises: vandalism, death, cutting, racism, marriage difficulties, sex, career choices, etc. Though sometimes a little too wimpish for me, Eric is a caring father and counselor who always tries his best to do right by the children living under his roof.
∙ Some of you probably remember - DAN CONNER, John Goodman ("Roseanne") who lives on in re-runs.
Big, strong, smart, funny, warm Dan Conner is a dad who knows when to be tough and when to be soft. He’s the dad who makes thick-thick chocolate milkshakes, teases one daughter about her school crushes and shoots hoops with the other. When he’s displeased, his steely silences can reduce a child to tears. But he also is the dad who returns his new shoes to the store in order to buy his daughter a gown for the school dance.
Excerpts from http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05170/522857.stm
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The problem with real life is that we don’t have script-writers who tie it all up in neat packages. We can’t turn off the cameras to shoot the scene over if our humanity shows through in a temper outburst, or with a display of selfishness, or in a moment of sinfulness!
Husbands, Dads, in all seriousness, I want to encourage you and challenge you today!
This message has the potential of changing your life! That’s a lot to claim, and I wouldn’t say it because I think I’m so smart or because I believe that I have been an amazing success as a husband or father. The potential change is based on the fact that I am bringing you the wisdom of God, and if we put it into practice, He will transform our lives.
Listen to this letter from the ‘Dear Abby’ column -
“My husband doesn’t talk to me. He just sits there night after night, reading the newspaper or looking at TV or working at his computer. When I ask him a question, he grunts "huh, or Uh’huh." Sometimes he doesn’t even grunt! All he really needs is a housekeeper and somebody to sleep with him when he feels like it. He can buy both. There are times when I wonder why he got married.”
I hope that doesn’t describe you!
I believe that America’s number one social problem today is with husbands and fathers. If we ran our businesses like we lead our homes, the economy would collapse! There is a crisis of leadership in our homes.
Partially it is because of the tremendous social revolution that began during the Second World War as women left the home to be employed in business in large numbers. With the rise of the women’s liberation movement in the 1970’s, many men were left to wonder exactly what their role in the family should be.
Partially it is because we’re a generation that grew up indulged by our parents and we continue to act like spoiled brats who, avoid responsibility as much as possible.
And some of the reluctance of men to take the helm at home is due to the fact that leadership is hard and often, thankless work especially when the leader has to make an unpopular choice, or enforce discipline, or call for sacrifice!
As we’ll see from the Word, God has placed the responsibility for leadership in the Christian family squarely on the shoulders of the husband and father.
TEXT - Ephesians 5: 23, 25-31
A. The first statement in that passage is “the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the Church.”
The Message says, “The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church.”
It is a very visual metaphor that should not be hard to understand. That round thing that sits on your shoulders is an awfully important part of your body, isn’t it? It is the source of coordination. It regulates the function of the body. It provides primary identity for your body. But as important as it is, the head cannot function without the body, either. Both die if either is separated.
Husband, God assigned you the place of headship in your family. What does that mean?
It means that it is your responsibility to coordinate the flow of family life, to provide guidance and care, and even to establish the identity of your family.
In order to lead effectively, you must be connected to what’s going on at home!
ill. - Early in our family life, I realized that if I was going to be a good husband and father,
it would mean working at keeping strong ties to my wife and kids. I arranged my schedule
around some key events in my family’s life. A rule was made that I enforced on myself and
everyone else in the household. Dinner was at 5 PM and everybody was required to be at the
table! “But, Dad, I have practice!” “Sorry, son, dinner comes first.”
We adjusted dinner time occasionally to 5:30 or 6, but the first priority was that we have a meaningful
connection point EVERYDAY. Of course that meant that I had to leave a meeting early sometimes too.
Talk to my adult kids today and you will find that to a person, their best memories are about
the dinner table, where we celebrated being ‘the Scott family’ every night. We shared the stories of
our day, teased each other, and spent the happiest 30 minutes of the day at the table.
It took discipline and sacrifice to make it happen, but it was a key to providing leadership as
head of my home!
The model for our leadership helps us to know the ‘how’ of leadership.
We are to lead like Christ!
In the next principle take note of the operative word.
B. Husbands, LOVE your wives, just as Christ loved the Church. V. 25
Headship is often misunderstood as ‘boss-ship.’ God did not assign husbands the role of boss, He privileged them with the position of leadership.
A boss barks out orders to suit his own priorities! He controls!
He says, “Get those kids under control. They’re disturbing me.”
He says, “Take those kids to church.”
He says, “Mow the lawn today and make sure to get that laundry done.”
He says, “You need to get our budget in hand.”
He makes sure his needs are met first.
A leader consults with counselors, develops a plan, and shows the way to implement that plan! He empowers!
He says, “Our kids are unruly. We need to work together on discipline.”
He says, “Let’s make sure we develop the spiritual lives of our kids.”
He steps up to take part in the management of the household.
He shows financial responsibility both in providing adequate income and
in demonstrating management of funds in his own spending.
Is your family living with a boss or a leader?
Have you misunderstood your place at the head of your family, with being a king, or a dictator?
How does Christ love the church?
He sacrifices himself for her. He provides for her every need. He guides her to become holy and useful.
Let me make this really practical.
Is your fishing trip more important than her desire to vacation in another place?
Is the computer you need a priority over the wallpaper she would like to put in the bathroom?
Sacrifice begins in the small things, the choices that might seem fairly unimportant to you. If you simply assume that because you’re the head of the home, you have the right to ‘have your way,’ you’re missing the point.
A true leader never exploits those he leads. He develops and cares and empowers them.
1Does your wife feel empowered or exploited by you? (Ask her, you might be surprised at her answer.)
If you want your wife to more readily accept your leadership, then learn to speak her love language!
IF you learn your spouse’s love language, you will be a much more effective leader. Why? People follow those from whom they perceive love!
Dr. Gary Chapman, a counselor, author, and pastor - teaches that we all have a preferred way in which we feel loved and valued by others.
∙ Some of us desire WORDS of AFFIRMATION. We want to complimented, noticed, and encouraged.
∙ Some of us want QUALITY TIME. That doesn’t mean we’re just hanging around the house together. It means we converse and engage with each other.
∙ Some of us want GIFTS. Those who speak this language love flowers, cards, and thoughtful presents. ecause this language is the easiest to learn, many husbands think it is the only language!
∙ Some of us really are into ACTS OF SERVICE. Last week, Bev mentioned that she needed to clean her car. My ears perked up and since I had some free time, I went out and vacuumed the carpets. Then I cleaned the windows and wiped down the dashboard. From her response, you would have thought that I’d given blood for her! Her love language is acts of service.
∙ Some of us feel loved through PHYSICAL TOUCH. The affectionate hug, sitting close and holding hands, playful caresses are part of this language.
Most of us are bi-lingual in love languages, but we have a primary language.
If you’re interested in learning a little more you can read about it at http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ or you pick up the book by Dr. Chapman.
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Before I close today, let me speak briefly about being a father. Many of the principles we’ve just talked about apply to fathering as well. Your children need you to lead them. They need you to love them sacrificially.
However, there is a specific instruction to fathers that I’d like us to consider before I close today ....
TEXT - Ephesians 6: 4
Though we do not live in a society that grants absolute power to fathers, like that to which Paul wrote, and like many in other parts of the world still today - fathers do exert great influence over the lives of their children! At age 51, I still feel the influence of my father in powerful ways. My basic values, the way that I understand myself in the world came first from my father and his words still echo in my ears!
Let me tell one silly way I still feel his influence.
Dad used to tell me, “You can tell a lot about a man by noting the way he takes care of his shoes.” Now,
I don’t know if that is true or not, but he used to point out nicely shined shoes and say, “There’s a man
who takes care of the little things.” To this day, when I put on my shoes, I notice if they need to be
shined! And, it is a rare day, that I’ll be wearing shoes in need of polish.
With that kind of influential power comes the potential for abuse, not just physical, but emotional as well. That’s why the Word warns fathers - “Be careful you don’t use your power in a way that provokes anger in your children.” Don’t tell your kids to do things you will not do, or demand things of them you would not ask from yourself! Your hypocrisy will offend them deeply in their spirit and create rebellion in them!
The Bible says, “Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master." (Ephesians 6:4, The Message)
Get involved and show them the way, Dad! Don’t abdicate your place at the head of your family! Contrary to some contemporary advice, a child will thrive under consistent, strong, and unambiguous guidance and discipline. The Proverbs, that collection of pithy wisdom, observes "The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame. " (Proverbs 29:15, NKJV)
We’re not talking about telling; we’re talking about showing.
In your fathering, your example will drown out your words.
∙ If you tell your kids that you love God, but you don’t participate in his work, they’ll pick up on the disconnect and discard your words. Remember, kids pick up on the symbolism of actions. Things like church attendance demonstrate your faith in a tangible way to little ones.
∙ Your social values will be much better caught, than taught. Your attitudes about authority, women, people of different religions or races are transferred at least as much by example as they are by verbal instruction.
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Man, are you feeling a little over-challenged today?
Are you looking at your family and wondering if you’re up to the calling, I want to tell you that God never asks us to do the impossible without providing the resources we need.
The most important factor you need is to experience God’s love for yourself! Until a person has been loved by God, he will never be able to love others in a way that meets the high standard of the Scripture. But, there is this promise - "We love each other as a result of his loving us first." (1 John 4:19, NLT)
The most empowering experience in the world is the love of God in Christ. When we begin to grasp how great God’s love is, we start to live authentically, without pretense, without lies - openly. From that openness comes acceptance and love of others.
So, man, invite God to give you a love revelation. The Bible says -
"This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.
My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other."
(1 John 4:9-11, The Message)
Then, secure in Him, begin to love your family with solid leadership. Let the Spirit lead you and mentor you, teaching you how to partner with your wife in releasing her to be all that God met for her to be. Ask your Father to heal your hurts and give you wisdom to lead your own children to love and serve Him.
Amen!
Jerry D. Scott, copyright 2006
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