"The C Word: It’s the Road to Success"
Ephesians 4:15
In Operation Desert Storm, our military had one objective on the first night of operations: attack all communications installations and destroy them! Here’s why – if you can dismantle and disable someone’s communication network, you can defeat them.
The same is true in our relationships, especially regarding marriage and home – destroy the communication and you can defeat the family.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I believe, once you have established grace – Jesus – as the main ingredient that makes your home different, communication is the very first tool that ought to be developed. It is the #1 habit that people in the home need to get right as soon as possible. It matters that much!
James Dobson confirms this. He said recently on his radio show that he believes communication is the #1 reason marriages begin to have problems.
Don’t let this shock you. Communication has long been the #1 pitfall for men and women. And it’s not just that at times we’re indifferent; it is also that we’re different, right? We were made different from the start!
It’s what I humorously call “speaking male” and “speaking female.” For instance, I may say to my wife, “I’m going to the mall.” She hears, “Let’s take a day and shop.” When she asks me, “What did you have to eat today?” and I respond, “Not a bite!”, what I really mean is “Only a small burger and some measly fries.” But what she heard is, “Nothing.” (which is really what I verbalized.)
Yes, we just hear and speak differently because of how we are made. Add to that a hard heart or sinful attitude, and BAM – you’ve got serious problems on your hands when it comes to communicating and staying in touch!
Believe it or not, Julie and I communicated in unhealthy ways for many years, until finally we grew tired of parables, hidden meanings and reading between the lines. We just got plain sick of speaking in foreign languages. And what followed was no doubt the one thing that changed our marriage the most. Did you get that – I’m about to share with you what has most turned our marital relationship around.
Our change started with a clear understanding of one, single verse: Eph 4:15 says “…speak the truth in love…”
As we read and pondered this, we saw three main components to this command: “Speak,” “truth,” and “love.”
“Speak” – communicate, talk, say words
“Truth” – right words, non-deceit, correct, no hidden meanings or double talk
“Love” – commitment to what is best, no anger/rashness, but evenness and stability
We prayed, studied and learned that we were communicating in ways totally opposite of these words. This concept was, by and large, foreign to our relationship. For example:
“Where do you want to eat?” I would ask. She’d respond, “Anywhere”, even though she really didn’t mean it (untruth). So then I would pick a place, and she would say, “Not there.” At that point I would retort sarcastically, “But you said ‘anywhere’.” And on and on this would go. We found it hard even agreeing on a place to eat. Sad, I know!
This continued into things like, “Mind if I go shopping?” or “Mind if I go golfing?” It even began affecting major decisions, such as “Where do you want to go for vacation?”
Eventually, every conversation seemed to be a chore! Want to know why? We were eroding our foundation through deceit, sarcasm and hidden meanings. The three things in that simple verse – talk, truth, and love – were absent from our communication. The result? Our relationship began to die.
Let me show you what I mean. Watch this – no truth leads to no trust which leads to no relationship. And yes, it always starts small, and often in humor; but little lies lead to large cracks in the foundation.
I’m going to spend this whole message on this phrase, sharing with you how it has changed our marriage!
What we did is actually very simple: we made a promise to speak and hear complete truth in every word! IOW, we promised each other that every word would be taken at face-value as the literal truth! We just started obeying the Bible every time…to every question, in every conversation, for every word, we made a commitment to speaking the truth in a loving way. We simply started speaking and listening to things at FACE VALUE…
• …When someone asked a question, we answered it based on what they asked. We stopped reading into things. We took the question as a truthful question, so we answered truthfully based on what we were asked.
• …When someone gave an answer, we accepted it as their truthful answer and acted accordingly. If it wasn’t the truth, well, too bad…next time they told it!
• …When someone needed advice, we actually gave them the Bible’s wisdom without our opinion. We didn’t worry about the “what ifs” or “who’s involved.” We simply shared truth in a tone of stability.
We have come to call our new way of speaking – based on Eph 4:15 – FACE-VALUE COMMUNICATION. This is something both the sender and receiver do. We ask at face-value, we accept at face-value, we respond at face-value. It’s “speaking the truth in love.”
When this type of communication begins, several things happen:
1. You feel free to ask questions and give responses.
2. You feel unafraid to make decisions.
And that’s an awesome place to be as a family! That’s an awesome place to be as an individual. No fear, but freedom. WOW! This is actually what most men and women need! Too many men are walking on eggshells, and too many women trying to control their men! It’s too much fear and very little freedom.
You can do this, too! If you’re interested in FACE VALUE COMMUNICATION, there’s “hope” for you. In fact, I like to say it like this: “Face-value communication brings H.O.P.E. to a family’s desire to speak the truth in love.”
How? Because you start speaking:
1. Honestly – without deception
Proverbs 12:17, 18, 19, 22
God is clear about how he values truth, especially in little things. Tell the truth in all matters. Little things, big things, everything! This will breed trust like nothing else!
Now, before you say, that’s a no brainer, think about the ways we often fudge the truth.
“Do you have any homework?” Remember, speak the WHOLE truth!
“What did you have for lunch today?” Remember, speak the WHOLE truth!
I used to rarely tell the whole truth, but would justify it by saying, “Well, it’s what I meant.” Then if it’s what you meant, say it that way – tell the whole and complete truth!”
2. Openly – without fear
Proverbs 27:5-6
Proverbs 28:23
The real issue here deals with hiding things. And why do we hide things? Usually because of fear or shame. And when we’re hiding things, there can’t be good communication.
You’ve got to get over fear in order to really communicate, so the listener needs to initiate an atmosphere of unconditional love. After all, without the truth, no one can make any progress. Whether you’re just saying things to make someone happy or not saying things to keep someone from getting mad, both are destructive. Openness is an important of speaking the truth in love, it is the doorway to health and a sign of love.
One more verse that I find intriguing is Proverbs 16:13: “Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth.”
The one thing a king needed was an honest, open advisor…someone willing to speak the truth! If kings and presidents need it, how much more your family and spouse.
Remember -- Openness makes you as valuable as a king’s best advisor!
3. Plainly – without confusion
There’s an interesting verse in Proverbs 10:19: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”
There’s no doubt about it – the more you talk, the greater the possibility you’ll say something you don’t mean, that isn’t true, or that you’ll regret. In face-value communication, you’re shooting for clarity, not confusion. And that happens best with a plain, simple and usually short answer. So don’t muddy the waters and don’t drown the listener. Just answer the question!
You know you’re missing the mark of plainness when you feel like your conversations are political debates! You know how those go, don’t you? There’s a question, then there’s about 3-5 minutes of words, and then you’re left wondering what the answer is as well as what the question was! This happened over and over again in last year’s Presidential debates. Ad nauseum!
A wife will ask the husband, “Did you happen to drop the gift off by the post office to be mailed?” He knows he didn’t, but he’s afraid to say “No” so he starts into some story about his work and who called just before he left. STOP! Just answer the question!
My advice to all couples is this: Be plain, not political. You may think it’s unemotional, but it’s actually very wise and scriptural. That’s right – work for plainness and simplicity. You’ll save everyone a ton of time and be very scriptural also. Don’t be believe me? Check this out in Matthew 5:37 : “Simply let your ’Yes’ be ’Yes,’ and your ’No,’ ’No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” and James 5:12 : “Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned.”
YES or NO is all that is required. No strings attached to know you’re telling the truth or keeping your word. WOW! God loves simplicity and calls us to that type of communication.
4. Expectantly – without criticism
Proverbs 15:4, Ephesians 4:29, 1 Cor 13:4-7
Show love in your words by expressing your desire for the best in someone else! Even difficult truth can be said in a way that leaves people with hope! Attacking people with words like “you always” or “you never” seriously hurt our communication efforts. Instead, focus on the issue or problem, not the person.
Part of face-value communication is believing in the person you’re talking to in your family and expressing hope about the future. “We can do this, honey” or “I know you can do this, son” or “You can handle this, sweetie.” It’s being positive because of your faith in God. Show that in your words!
I hope today you will start obeying Eph 4:15 and begin a new trend in your family! A trend of “speaking the truth in love” at home – Honestly, Openly, Plainly and Expectantly. Let’s pray.
