Straight talk about Sex – How far is too far?
Gladstone Baptist Church – 11/9/05 pm
Well we are at the end of our series on Straight Talk about Sex.
I heard a story about another minister who was preparing to preach on sex. His wife, was a little surprised and embarrassed by the topic and said, "Honey, sex is so private a matter. Maybe you should pick something else. Why don’t you preach that sermon on waterskiing you’ve been wanting to do." And after a bit more talking he was convinced that the waterskiing sermon was the way to go.
On the Sunday morning of the sermon, the minister’s wife was under the weather and decided to stay home in bed. Without her there, the minister tossed the sermon on waterskiing and opted for the sex sermon instead. That afternoon, a couple of the wife’s friends from the church came by to see how she was feeling. Both raved about the minister’s sermon. “He spoke with such vigor this morning,” said one. The other lady agreed, saying, “He was so eloquent and we were all caught up in his enthusiasm.” The minister’s wife was puzzled. "Vigor? Enthusiasm? I don’t understand! He’s only done it twice. Once up at the lake and another down by the river ... and both times, he hurt himself!"
Sex is a bit of difficult topic to talk about isn’t it. But I do think it is an important topic to talk about – not just from a young person’s perspective, but also from an older – yes even married – perspective, because, Young people, you don’t lose your sex drive when the grey hairs start appearing!!! - At least I hope not, because I’m starting to get more and more grey hairs – so I’m told. I can’t really see the back of my head very easily – even in a mirror – every time I turn around, I lose sight of my reflection???
Tonight, I want to close our series on sex, by asking the question “How far is too far?” You know what I mean – you are dating and you want to know whether a kiss is okay? What about French kissing? What about caressing someone’s hair or for guys feeling a girl’s breasts? How far is too far?
This question also applies to married people. I had a good friend who was a pastor and happily married with one little girl and one on the way. He moved to a new church and within 2 years, he was having an affair with one of the young women in that church. He had to quit his job, he is now divorced. His problems didn’t start when he slept with this young woman. His problems started way back when he spent heaps of time with her, when he put his hand on her shoulder, when he sat close to her on the couch. How far was too far for him? We’ll talk about that tonight.
It is really hard to classify all this stuff for several reasons …
1) Christianity is about LIVING, not about RULES
Jesus said in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Jesus wants us to have life and have it to the full.
Paul says, that we no longer live under the control of the law … Gal 3:25 Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. 24 So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. 25 Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law.
Christianity is not about rules, but living a life of faithful obedience to God. As Christians, we must not come up with a whole list of rules and regulations for people to follow – that is legalism and God condemns legalism. But having said this, both Paul and Jesus don’t abandon the law either, because it gives us God’s standards …
Matt 5:17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Rom 3:24 Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.
So we are walking a tightrope when we are asking “How far is too far?” We must not be legalistic about what is okay or not okay, but we still must take notice of God’s perfect law and seek to adopt it as we live out our lives. – So it’s living righteously, not keeping a number of righteous laws.
2) Jesus is concerned about your HEART
The second reason why this is a difficult topic to preach on is that Jesus is concerned about your heart attitude. In Matt 5:28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Is committing adultery wrong – yes, Jesus upholds the position of the law, but he says, don’t just limit it to an act of not doing something. What is important is your attitude. Tonight, we are going to talk about various things like kissing, hugging, fondling and the like and we are going to ask the question “How far is too far?” But the question Jesus would be asking if he was here would be – what is in your heart? What is your motive for doing it?
See Jesus says if we are undressing our date in our minds, it is as bad as doing it in the flesh. He is concerned about keeping our minds pure and so when we ask this question – How far is too far? We need to be addressing not just physical acts, because that is legalism – we need to be concerned with our thought processes too. And that complicates things doesn’t it!!!!
3) The question “How far is too far? Anticipates FAILURE
You know I’m picturing the coyote on road runner now. How far can he push the limits before he ends up over the cliff. Is this too far? No. Is this too far? Nope. Is this too far? Yep – and it’s too late!!!
When we ask this sort of question we focus on failing. We are trying to push the envelope and we only know we have gone too far, when it is too late.
It’s like a group of students sitting in a classroom on Day one of the new school year and in walks the teacher and says – “I’m going to tell you how to get an A.” You are sitting there and thinking – I don’t want an A. I don’t even want a B or a C. I just want to scrape through with a D-. That’s all I want. Tell me how to get a D-. I’ll tell you 2 things will happen. Firstly the teacher wouldn’t be too impressed. Secondly, the likelihood would be that you wouldn’t get a D-. It is most likely that you would fail.
If we don’t do this in school, why do we do it with our sex lives.
A far better question to ask would be “How can I HONOUR GOD with my physical relationships?”
Okay – so now that you see why this is such a tough question to answer – let’s give it our best shot.
1 Thess 4:3 says “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified [made holy]: that you should avoid sexual immorality [fornication, adultery and others]; 4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6 and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.”
Remember that God desires us to have happy and strong marriages. There was a guy called Desmond Morris who was a social anthropologist who wanted to find out why some people developed strong marriages while others fell apart. He did a lot of research on it and found out that a lot of it has to do with how well a couple bonded together before they were married. He found that couples with the strongest bonds are those who don’t rush the dating experience. He specifically identified 12 stages of intimacy. James Dobson talks about them in his book “Life on the Edge” which is in our church library.
1) EYE TO BODY – you walk down the hall, totally innocent like, minding your own business and all of a sudden – we have contact – recognition – you see the body – and under your breath you are going – Nice!!!
2) EYE TO EYE – later that day you are in the playground or in the lunch room sipping your coke or coffee and all of a sudden you look over and she’s looking at you – You see this glimmer in her eye and you know it’s in yours too! The chemistry begins. You know nothing about them really, but there are these little flirtatious glances firing back and forth across the room.
3) VOICE TO VOICE - We get to the first conversation. Your words are tentative and uncomfortable at first – mere small talk, but soon the topics deepen. I remember some of Deanna’s first words to me. She tried to win onto me by telling me “my ears were nice.” Now apparently that is a huge complement coming from a speech pathologist who gets to look in all sorts of ears. Just so you aren’t left wondering, our conversations did get progressively deeper the longer we dated.
4) HAND TO HAND. Think back with me to the first time you ever held the hand of someone you were really excited about; her hand, nice cool soft, smelling like oil of olay or some other moisturizer. Guy’s hand: big, rough, hot, sweaty – smelling like grease. When you first touch hands it’s good; you’re happy. It’s a great stage. A person wouldn’t approach a total stranger in the street and ask them to hold their hands – why? Because that act in Australia anyway is reserved for those who are at a certain stage in a relationship.
5) HAND TO SHOULDER. This is still kind of a buddy thing. You walk up behind them when they are sitting down and you put your hands on their shoulders. You’re watching a movie and you stretch out and your arm just happens to end up around her shoulders. You hug each other. It is a further stage of the relationship
6) HAND TO WAIST. This is not a friendship type of a thing. This is more than just friends. Hand to waist is an intimate thing. It is the cuddling stage
7) FACE TO FACE. Face to face is where you’re looking in one another’s eyes, gazing into each other’s eyes. You’re hugging, your cuddling and then you’re kissing and making out. This is a face to face contact. When we talk about kissing, there is actually 2 levels of kissing. There is the quick peck on the cheek type of kiss. And then there is the tongue in mouth French kissing. Sounds horrible until it is with just the right person and then it is explosive.
8) HAND TO HEAD. Hand to head in our culture is actually more intimate than face to face and French kissing and stuff because you never see it happen unless two people are really close. Stroking each others faces, caressing their heads – kissing usually goes along with it.
9) HAND TO BODY ABOVE THE WAIST. This is fondling your partner’s body – breasts, chest, etc. Usually it starts with touching from outside the clothes and then can quickly progress to going under the clothes. It’s groping, grappling, fondling. This is also known as petting. No not patting - petting. It you say you are patting your girl friend you’ll get a sharp clip around the ear with a curt “I’m not a dog!!!!”
10) HAND TO BODY BELOW THE WAIST. Again starting above the clothes and going below. Some of you may have heard of heavy petting. This is when you are fondling you’re partner’s genitals below the clothes. It will include lying together semi naked or naked together.
11) MUTUAL MASTURBATION. – that’s bringing each other to orgasm using your hands, “toys” like vibrators or even your mouth (oral sex).
12) SEXUAL INTERCOURSE where the penis is inserted into the vagina.
Why am I giving you this scale? Because I want you to know that God has designed us so that from the very first steps, there is a natural and physiological force which is drawing us to sexual intercourse.
It is like you are standing on a slippery slope which at the top is fairly level and then it gets steeper and steeper and steeper. The further you go down this slope the more likely it is that you will end up in sexual intercourse. If you are standing on that slope at the top and you are just talking to a person of the opposite sex or if you are holding hands or something, although there will be a desire to let yourself go all the way, you are in a position that you can control your physical and emotional desires because the slope isn’t very slippery.
But if you are moving further out down that slope and are starting to get undressed and lie together naked or starting to arouse each other to orgasm with your hands or mouth, then you are on a part of the slope where you will find it almost impossible to resist eventually having sexual intercourse.
Another illustration is that of a magnet. The closer you get to a magnet the stronger it’s power. The closer you get to sexual intercourse, the stronger will be it’s pull on you and your partner. And the harder it will be to resist it. Oh you may be able to resist it once, but if you keep going in close, sooner or later, you are going to have the strength or the fortitude to resist it.
So where is the line to be drawn? “Give me a rule I can follow!!!” you say.
That is a real hard one!!! Remember some of the principles we talked about earlier – God is interested in you living a fulfilled life, not one of rules. He is concerned about your attitudes, not just your actions. And we need to think about how we can succeed, not fail.
Given all that, this is what I’d say for dating couples. Sexual intercourse is obviously out as we’ve discussed before. I also want to suggest that mutual masturbation and touching a person’s body below and above the waist should be reserved for marriage. Why? Because they are on a part of the slope where it is extremely difficult to recover from.
Young people, if you are practicing any of these things in your relationship and you are not considering marriage for a couple of years, I would bet my bottom dollar that your relationship will either end up breaking up because of the strain or you will end up sleeping together before you are married? Why? Because you are so close to the magnet, that it won’t be long before you can no longer resist it’s pull.
The bible says that as Christians we are brothers and sisters in Christ. A good test for before marriage, young people is – would I be comfortable doing this with my natural BROTHER OR SISTER. Looking at – yes, talking yes. Holding their hand or putting your hand on their shoulder – yes. Hugging them – yes. Giving them a peck on the cheek – yes. French kissing – no. Caressing their face or hair – no. Touching their genitals – No. You see, it is a great test. Before you are married, you are brothers and sisters so treat each other as brothers and sisters. After you are married, you are husband and wife, so treat each other as husband and wife.
Personally, I think that hand to head and long prolonged kissing is dangerous territory - because it means that you are very close for a long period of time and it is very easy for that to progress to hand to body contact – fondling each other. Remember the question we should be asking is not “how far is too far”, but “how can I honour God in my relationships” and also how can I honor my partner?
You see the slope to sexual intimacy is a continuous one and it is slippery. It is very easy to get more and more intimate in a relationship. But it is very, very, very difficult to go backwards. I’ve known a lot of couples who have inadvertently gone too far and they end at a stage early in their relationship they never thought they would have. I watched many of them as they have recognised their problem and decided to slow down or climb back up the slope, but the problem is, the relationship suffers incredible stress when that happens, because the intimacy that they enjoyed previously is no longer there. Most of these relationships, in my experience anyway, have broken down when they tried to slow down. Why do you think Christian couples who are living together are so resistant to start living apart from each other, even though they know they should? Because they enjoy the intimacy and it’s too hard to climb back up the intimacy scale.
So If I was drawing a line for dating couples, I’d be saying prolonged kissing.
What about for Married people – where should the line be drawn for relating to people of the opposite sex outside of marriage? Remember that at all points, this slope leads to sexual intercourse. We need to be treating others as brothers and sisters in Christ remember, but the situation changes for married couples in that we need to be careful not to flirt or lead someone on. I want to suggest that the line is possibly in the same place for married people, but the situations you do it in also needs to be considered. Hugging in public at a funeral is fine. Hugging in private is dangerous. Touching someone on the shoulder in public to get their attention is not a sexual act. Putting your arm around their shoulder in a movie theatre is completely different. Having a chat after church is not a sexual act. Spending hours talking alone in the car park after everyone else has gone home is completely different. This is where your intention or your heart attitude comes into play and it is very difficult to make rules. Those who are married here, know that affairs begin in the very same way that a romantic courtship between young people starts – a look, some talking, a touch. While looking, talking and touching are not necessarily sexual, there are looks, talks and touches that are and as sexual beings, we have to draw some lines.
Before we close tonight I want to talk about 2 more things very briefly. Firstly, I want to give a couple of other things to consider when you are setting up your boundaries for relationships. These apply to dating couples and married people relating to members of the opposite sex …
Charlie gave a couple last Sunday night I want to add a couple more …
- Don’t LIE DOWN on dates. If you are on a picnic – stay upright on the blanket – don’t lie down
- Keep your hands TO YOURSELF.
- Be ACCOUNTABLE to someone else – have them ask you where you went, what you did, how long you were out for.
- Keep your CLOTHES on. You can’t have sex very easily with clothes on.
- GO SLOW. I recommend that you when you start dating, you take about 1 year on each step. Now you’ve already done the looking, so in the first year – only talk – no physical stuff, just talk. Second year – you can hold hands. Third year – hand to shoulder, etc. Some of you can’t believe I said that, but young people, if you are going into a relationship wanting it to last, you need to go slow or else before you know it you’ll be at step 7 or 8 and won’t have anywhere else to go. Spend the time getting to know your potential partner – I don’t mean getting to know them by touch. Get to know about them by talking.
- Don’t spend A LOT OF TIME ALONE with a person of the opposite sex (apart from your wife of course). Billy Graham had the standard that he would never even be in a car with another woman alone if it was not his wife. That was his standard, because he knew that sexual temptation was a slippery slope and that such a sin could destroy his ministry. Young people, I’m not saying
- Remember that we are all DIFFERENT. Some women find a kiss on the ear lobe more erotically stimulating than fondling their breasts. Young people, you need to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about where your line is to protect yourself.
And finally I want to answer the question “What if I’ve gone too far?”
Young people, older people, we are all sexual beings who are tempted. Most of us at some time will cross a line. Remember, Jesus said that line is not just in the physical act, it is what you are thinking also.
I want to say 3 things quickly…
1) Confess it and REPENT Sexual sin is not an unforgivable sin. If we have sinned, 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” God will forgive us if we have sinned sexually.
2) It is never to late to start living a PURE LIFE. God is not a God of the past, but of the present and the future. If we confess our sins, he wants to cleanse us, pick us up and set us on the right track –
1 Cor 6:9-11 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. [That doesn’t seem like good news does it, but keep listening] And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
It is never too late to start living a pure life.
3) There may be SCARS which we carry the rest of our lives. We need to accept that. Some of them are physical – a child or a disease. Some of them are emotional. Some will be guilt related. The physical and emotional scars are not always able to be removed, but when Satan tries to throw up the guilt thing at you, remind him that you have been forgiven and that in God’s eye’s you are no longer guilty.
Brothers and Sisters, when one of members falls sexually and repents. Let’s not continue to crucify them. God has forgiven them, so let’s accept them back into the family in love.
We’ve talked about a lot of things over the last couple of weeks. We’ve talked about some of the myths about sex. We’ve found out God’s intention was that Sex be reserved for Marriage. We’ve talked about some of the difficulties facing Men and Women and we tonight we’ve tried to find some sensible boundaries to protect us. Sex is everywhere around us and temptations come our way on a daily basis. As a family, lets support each other and help each other through the sexual minefield. Then we can enjoy the full and fantastic lives that God intended for us.
