For mine and Rebecca’s wedding anniversary this year, my parents gave us a card that read:
An Anniversary Look at Dating vs. Marriage
When you were dating . . . Now that you’re married . . .
You always looked your best. You wear whatever is clean.
Your manners were impeccable. You burp at the dinner table.
You’d hide cute little love notes for your partner to find. You tack a note on the door saying, “We’re all out of toilet paper.”
You’d regularly compliment your partner’s hair or choice of clothing. You regularly point out that the other has something in their teeth.
You’d say, “I love you!” You’d say, “I love you!”
Thankfully, some things don’t change!
That’s what we’re after this morning. Being able to say and mean, “I love you – through it all.” This morning we will discover how to stay in love from the honeymoon to the tomb.
How do we stay in love from the honeymoon until the tomb?
To find out, let’s go into the master bedroom and start remodeling. The Master Bedroom is a place for love. You might immediately think we’re going to talk about physical intimacy this morning. That kind of love is important in a marriage, but that kind of love on its own will not get you from the honeymoon to the tomb. So how do we get there? Well, let’s see what our house plan says.
Turn to Ephesians 5:21-33. When you hear that scripture announced, you may think you know where this message is headed, and you’re probably right. But you need to listen this morning because I think you’ll hear some things that are a bit new or maybe expressed in a new way for you.
Chapter 5 of Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus begins with an exhortation by Paul to the church. He says in v. 1, “Be imitators of God.” Are any of you making straight A’s when it comes to that? No, but that statement seems to drive or be the foundation of this entire chapter. Keep that charge in mind, “Be imitators of God,” as we check out God’s plan for the master bedroom. That particular plan begins in vs. 21, so look there. In Ephesians 5:21-25 I feel God gives us at least two ways for making over our master bedroom.
The first way to make over the master bedroom is to SUBMIT. God shows us that submission stabilizes a marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. A newspaper from the local town decided to show up and find out how come everybody talked about the stability of this home. How could it be, first, that a couple could stay together for 50 years and, on top of that, have such peace and joy and tranquility?
The journalist got in touch with the husband and asked him, “What’s the secret?” The husband said:
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon when we visited the Grand Canyon. While there, we took a trip to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my bride’s mule stumbled. Because I was riding close to her, I heard her say quietly into the ear of the mule, “That’s once.”
We proceeded a little further down into the canyon and the mule stumbled again. And I noticed she leaned forward and said quietly, “That’s twice.”
And, you know, we hadn’t gone another half mile before the poor mule stumbled a third time. My wife reached in her purse pulled out a revolver, and, BANG – she shot the mule dead.
I made an angry protest over the treatment of the mule. Then she looked at me, leaned forward, and quietly said, “That’s once.” . . . . And he added, “And we have lived happily ever after.”
There you go, ladies, a story of a man submitting to a woman. Shocking in a study of Ephesians 5!
The first way to make over the master bedroom is to SUBMIT. God shows us that submission strengthens a marriage. Your Bible may have the heading for this section after v. 21, but, remember, those headings were added by the editors of your particular translation. Many scholars believe, and I agree, that the passage actually begins in v. 21. Let’s begin there.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:21-24).
In our culture, people hate this passage and the others like it in the New Testament. Terms such as subjugation, submission, and subordination, stir up strong feelings in our free society primarily because each term has nuances of forced subjugation, forced submission, and forced subordination. For some reason when they read this passage people seem to picture an ogre of a husband speaking to his wife like she’s a dog, “Submit, woman, submit. . . . Good woman.” Unfortunately, their vicious response to such teaching reveals biblical ignorance on their part. For this kind of meaning is far and away removed from that intended by Paul. If everyone truly knew what this is all about, they would support it 100%.
Unfortunately, some Christians have perpetuated the misconception in society. Some have overstated the role of the husband as head of the household.
Some have determined that the man is ‘king of his castle.’ And his wife is the ‘servant in that castle.’ In essence, she is to obey his every command, meet his every need, and as someone put it, ‘keep the chips and dip coming.’ But the word obey is never used in respect to wives in the Scripture, although it is used in relation to children and slaves. You know why? Equals don’t have to obey each other. . . . Only those who are under the authority of someone else must obey.
Any discussion of the relationship of a husband and wife should keep in mind the foundation laid by Paul in Galatians 3:28 when he said that in Christ “there is neither male nor female.” Men and women are created equal. Yes, they are created with completely different and unique physical, emotional, and psychological features, but before God they are equal. Further, when husband and wife come together they are to form ONE flesh, not one flesh and a doormat.
Some of this misunderstanding comes from starting at v. 22. But if you start at v. 21 – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” – I think you see the difference. What we have in submission is two servants serving one another who then jointly serve Christ. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Family expert Dr. James Dobson says that one verse contains more wisdom than most marriage manuals combined. He’s right. The marriage relationship begins with mutual submission that then flows into a proper relationship between husband and wife. What is that proper relationship? Paul gives it to us in vv. 22ff.
Paul moves to address each spouse separately. He starts with the wives, saying, “Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord.” It does not say, “Husbands, make your wives submit.” The mood of the verb is actually, “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands.” Do it yourself. Remember, he’s already said, “Submit to one another.” Now, ladies, this is how you are to submit to your husband – just as you would to the Lord.
This obviously raises the husband to a level of headship in the home. We have two equals, who are mutually submitting to one another, but one is the head of the other. How can that be?
Well, do you know where the best example of submission comes? There’s a hint in the statement with which Paul opened this chapter – “Be imitators of God himself.” The Tri-une God is the best example of equals with submission!
In a passage found in 1 Corinthians 11:3, which is much like our text today, Paul says, “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” Hmm. Paul is obviously referring to God the Son and God the Father. Equals. Yet one submits to the one who is named as the head.
God has revealed himself as Trinity – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – three equal persons who make up one person. It’s mind boggling, but it’s supposed to be – He’s God, we are not. But there is submission within the Godhead. We get a glimpse at a true picture of submission in Matthew 26:36-46, where we have a communication session between the Son and the Father. Jesus is facing the cross and is feeling natural physical and emotional pressure. Jesus opens up to the Father saying, “Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me.” Jesus is fully open and fully honest with the Father. Three times the prayer is repeated. But each time Jesus concludes with an interesting statement, “Yet, not my will, but yours be done.”
Two equals. Yet one says, “Not my will, yours.” Was this fatalism? Not at all. Jesus simply recognized the Father as the leader. Within the perfect unity of the Godhead there is order, and Father God is revealed as the leader.
This is the model for us in our marriage relationships. Male leadership in the home has nothing to do with superiority. Men, no matter what our egos may tell us, we’re not more intelligent or more valuable than women. Male leadership has nothing to do with male superiority. It has everything to do with order among equals. As marriage expert Gary Chapman says in an explanation, which I am leaning upon heavily in this message, “Sooner or later, if one partner is not recognized as the leader, the couple will come to a stalemate and will be rendered ineffective.” Submission is most often needed in times of crisis or hard decisions. Had Jesus not submitted to God, He might still be arguing with the Father in Gethsemane!
But neither is the head to be a dictator. Paul says, “Be imitators of God,” and God is not a dictator. “It is unthinkable that God the Father would make a decision and then call in the Son and inform Him.” Deuteronomy 6:4 says, “The Lord our God is one LORD.” In the God-head there is absolute unity and complete communication. Such should be the case in the relationship between the husband and wife – absolute unity and complete communication.
SUBMIT – that’s part one of the master bedroom makeover. Submission will stabilize your marriage. But what’s part two?
The second way to make over the master bedroom is to commit: commitment strengthens a marriage.
Let’s look at the house plan:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).
The second way to make over the master bedroom is to commit: commitment strengthens a marriage. But you might say, “Pastor, it say’s husbands love your wives, not commit to your wives.” True. But I want you to understand what kind of love that is. In my first ten years of ministry, I’ve heard time and time again from friends and from couples I’ve counseled, “I just don’t love her anymore,” or “I just don’t love him anymore.” And that becomes the most legitimate reason they can give for separation and divorce. Every time I probe, I find out that much of this “love” is simply feelings. That’s it. “I just don’t like being with him anymore.” “I don’t feel attracted to her anymore.” “I’ve had enough of the dirty socks in the living room.” It goes on and on.
But Paul doesn’t say, “Love your wives as long as they look good. Or love your wives as long as you like them.” He says, “Love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” Now how did Christ love the church? Paul says, “He gave Himself up for her.” How did he give himself up for her? He died. Jesus said in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Men, this is not “feeling love” we’re talking about. This is “committed love.” It is the love of a man who will take a bullet for his wife – and hear this - no matter what.
No matter what? Yep. Think on this: What was our relationship with Christ like when He died for us? Well, Romans 5:8 says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ loved us enough to die for us BEFORE we ever liked Him, much less submitted to Him as our leader. Christ loved us enough to die for us BEFORE we ever looked good. Christ loved us enough to die for us not because of anything we did, but because of the committed love He had for us before the beginning of time. When Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church,” he’s not talking about feelings. He’s talking about the love of a man who will take a bullet for his wife no matter what.
As Chuck Swindoll says, ‘Guys, you don’t love because she . . . you don’t love if she . . . . you don’t love when she. You love one way. You love in spite, you love regardless. You love even though.’ You love as Christ loved the church. And, men, if you do that, then your wives will gladly submit themselves to you just as they do to Christ because you will love them like Christ loves them, and you will be committed to them like Christ is committed to them.
We are to commit. Commitment strengthens a marriage. Why? Because commitment demonstrates that you’re in it for the long haul. In John 16:33, Jesus promised, “In this world you will have trouble.” But He promises, “Take heart! I have overcome the world.” If you have a Christ-like commitment to one another, you will face trouble with the confidence that you can make it through with the power of Christ. But it starts with an “I do” at the wedding that truly means “I do” for as long as we both shall live.
Since the passage of no-fault divorce laws in the 1970s, the number of divorces has quadrupled in the United States. Why? Because people have been able to marry knowing, “Hey, if this doesn’t work out, I can always get out.” “Getting married with the idea that you can always get out is the straightest path to divorce. You know why? It’s not going to work. [M]arriage, without a deep commitment . . . is not going to work.” Why? Because marriage is not going to be all you expected it to be. “After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” There are lots of things we don’t notice until we’re married.
Marriage is never going to be all you thought it would be. But it will never be what God wants it to be either until you conclude that there is no way out. “We need to envision marriage as a room with no door to release us. Only at that point will we begin to work at the marriage and begin to make it all it can and should be.”
There will be times when you may feel like giving up. At times you may feel that you don’t even like your spouse very much. There may be times when you feel like you will never love your partner again. But that’s how emotions are. They go up and down. They come and go. But marriage is a commitment that supercedes feelings that come and go. “I don’t love her anymore” or “I don’t love him anymore” is not a legitimate reason for divorce.
I heard of an old couple who were sitting on their front porch watching the sun go down one summer evening. He looked over at her, had a romantic thought, and said, “After fifty years, I’ve found you tried and true.”
The wife’s hearing wasn’t very good, so she said, “what?”
He repeated, “After fifty years, I’ve found you tried and true.”
She replied, “After fifty years, I’m tired of you too!”
I know that’s not how many of you feel who have been married for 50 years, but it happens to some! We need to prevent that from happening. If your marriage is built on romantic love and feelings, it may last for a time, but when the heavy weight of life finally comes, your marriage will fall apart. But if it is built on stalwart commitment, a love like Christ has for the church, then it will last.
In his book, Love for a Lifetime: Building a Marriage that will Go the Distance, Dr. James Dobson recounts the time he heard the late Francis Schaeffer describe bridges that were built in Europe by the Romans in the first and second centuries A.D. The bridges are still standing today, despite the unreinforced brick and mortar with which they were built. Why haven’t they collapsed in this modern era of heavy trucks and equipment? They remain intact because they are used for nothing but foot traffic. If an 18-wheeler were driven across the historic structures, they would crumble in a great cloud of dust and debris.
Dobson says, “Marriages that lack an iron-willed determination to hang together at all costs are like the fragile Roman bridges. They appear to be secure and may indeed remain upright . . . until they are put under heavy pressure. That’s when the seams split and the foundation crumbles.”
You must have commitment. If you do not, what will happen when a big semi of life drives right over your marriage? It can happen – one of you loses your job and for the first time money becomes a concern. Or your kid goes bonkers as a teenager. Or a disease ravages a member of your family. The list could go on and on. At some point in life you’ll face something. You have to decide now what your marriage will be built upon, so you will be ready then. Problems will come. The question is will you stay firm in your commitment or will you allow Satan, the great home wrecker, to win? God can bring good out of tragedy, but He can’t do it if you’re fickle in your commitment.
The master bedroom is a place for love, even making love. But the kind of love we’re making, the kind of love with which we’re making over this room, is a submitted, committed love. That is a love that will last. That is a love that will go the distance. That is a love of which God will be proud.
