MAKING EVERY RELATIONSHIP A TEAM EFFORT
A. Today is the conclusion of our series of lessons on The DNA of Relationships based on the book by Dr. Gary Smalley. Today’s lesson is on Making Every Relationship a Team Effort.
ILLUSTRATION:
A man had been feeling SLUGGISH and rather SICKLY. After taking a battery of tests his DOCTOR informed him that STRESS was KILLING him. Then inquiring about the man’s WORK and HOME LIFE the doctor said, “You are in terrible CONDITION, and you’ve better take some STEPS to correct it”.
The doctor then began listing things that needed to be done, “First of all, tell your WIFE no more eating FAST FOOD and to start COOKING more nutritious meals. You got to stop WORKING like a dog. Also inform your WIFE you’re going to make a BUDGET, and she has to STICK with it. And have her keep the KIDS off your back so you can RELAX.”
Then with a somber tone the doctor said, “I am serious about this. Unless there are some DRASTIC CHANGES in your life, you’ll probably be DEAD in a MONTH.” “Doc”, the patient said, “believe me, this would sound more OFFICIAL coming from you. Could you please call my WIFE and give her those INSTRUCTIONS?”
When the man got HOME, his WIFE rushed to his side. “I talked to the DOCTOR” she wailed. Her husband asked, “Did he tell you what I needed from you?” “Yes he did,” she said. “You POOR MAN . . . you only have 30 days to LIVE”.
COMMENT:
I may be wrong, but I don’t think there’s a lot of TEAM EFFORT in that RELATIONSHIP!
B. Obviously we want all of our RELATIONSHIPS to be STRONG and HEALTHY and HARMONIOUS.
1. But the reality is, it’s not always that way—even with our closest RELATIONSHIPS.
COMMENT:
Because of our unique DIFFERENCES, EXPERIENCES, and BACKGROUNDS, we will not always see eye-to-eye on every ISSUE. There will be DISAGREEMENTS along the way—some MINOR and some MAJOR.
Usually when a HEATED ARGUMENT is finally over and the DUST CLEARS you will find one who got his or her way and the other didn’t. Although the person may have “WON” the argument, it is done so at the PRICE of straining a MARRIAGE, disparaging a CHILD, disrespecting a PARENT, losing a FRIENDSHIP, demeaning a CO-WORKER, ostracizing a FELLOW-CHRISTIAN. THERE ARE NO WINNERS—ONLY LOSERS.
2. Wouldn’t it be great even if during those MAJOR DISAGREEMENTS both parties could come to a WORKABLE SOLUTION that will please both?
COMMENT:
If you’ve read the book The DNA of Relationships, you know that I when I say WORKABLE SOLUTION I mean more than mere COMPROMISE. A COMPROMISE is coming up with a SOLUTION that is TOLERABLE for both parties, yet no one really feels GOOD about it.
During those DISAGREEMENTS in our RELATIONSHIPS, we need to WORK TOGETHER beyond COMPROMISE to develop a WIN-WIN SOLUTION. How do we do that?
MESSAGE:
I. REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM
A. Families are on the SAME TEAM.
1. There is no greater UNION or PARTNERSHIP on this earth than that of HUSBAND and WIFE.
a. 1 Peter 3:7- “Husbands…be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner, and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
b. Ephesians 4:21-33 (READ and COMMENT)
COMMENT:
If HUSBANDS and WIVES have this kind of LOVE and RESPECT for each other, they are not going to allow DISAGREEMENTS to drive a wedge between them. They will do all they can to look for a WORKABLE SOLUTION to BENEFIT them both. They want their PARTNER to be HAPPY and to FEEL GOOD about DECISIONS that are MADE. When one FEELS GOOD, they both FEEL GOOD.
2. Parents and children should be heartily aware of how VALUABLE their RELATIONSHIP is.
a. Our CHILDREN are a PRECIOUS GIFT from God. -Psalm 127:3- “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.”
COMMENT:
There is nothing like experiencing the BIRTH of your CHILDREN and your GRANDCHILDREN. The LOVE you have for that tiny STRANGER—that little BUNDLE you hold in your ARMS for the very first time is INDESCRIBABLE. That LITTLE BABY can do no WRONG . . . but then they become TEENAGERS.
The tough part of parenting comes when your children grow older and become more independent. That’s when something often happens between PARENTS and TEENAGERS that leaves both parties FRUSTRATED and ANNOYED with each other. That’s not what we want.
ILLUSTRATION:
Undoubtedly parents of TEENS are often tempted to follow Mark Twain’s advice about how to rear TEENAGERS.
He advised that when a child reaches 13 years of age, a parent should place the child in a BARREL, NAIL the LID shut, and FEED the teenager through a KNOT HOLE. And when the child turns 16 years-old . . . PLUG the HOLE!
Of course, Mark Twain was also the one who wrote, “When I was 18 years-old I thought my father was the most IGNORANT man alive. When I turned 21, I was surprised how much he learned in just three short years.”
b. Frankly, we parents FRUSTRATE our children as much as they FRUSTRATE us.
-That’s why Paul reminds parents, FATHERS especially, in Colossians 3:21- “not to EMBITTER your children or they will become DISCOURAGED.”
c. Children also have RESPONSIBILITY toward their PARENTS.
-Paul- “Children obey your parents in the Lord . . . honor (respect) your father and mother”- Ephesians 6:1-2.
-Proverbs 23:22- “Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”
COMMENT:
I don’t believe that PARENTS and CHILDREN are HAPPY when TENSION comes between them. There may be GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES, but PARENTS and CHILDREN need to keep in mind that you are not each others’ ENEMIES—you are BOUND together as FAMILY.
B. Christians are on the SAME TEAM.
1. As PARENTS and CHILDREN are BOUND TOGETHER by BLOOD, so are Christians BOUND TOGETHER by the BLOOD of Christ.
a. We, too, are FAMILY—brothers and sisters in Christ—children of our Heavenly Father.
b. Yet, even among God’s family we find DIVISIONS.
- I Corinthians 1:11- “My brothers, some from Chloe’s household have informed me that there are quarrels among you.”
2. DISAGREEMENTS among fellow-Christians are inevitable, but we need to keep in MIND that our
ENEMY is not each other, but Satan.
a. To remind us of that, the New Testament emphasizes over and over how we are to RELATE to one another.
- LOVE ONE ANOTHER
- BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER
- BEAR WITH ONE ANOTHER
- ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER
- FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER
- ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER
b. There are actually over 50 of such EXHORTATIONS emphasizing our RESPONSIBILITY toward ONE ANOTHER as FAMILY.
3. WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE!
II. STEPS TO CREATING A WIN-WIN SOLUTION
A. Establish a NO-LOSERS policy.
1. If you VALUE your RELATIONSHIPS, then you want others to FEEL GOOD about decisions that are made that also affect them.
COMMENT:
When a CONFLICT arises, both parties need to decide from the very beginning that there will be NO LOSERS in this CONFLICT and that they will WORK to come to a DECISION that both parties FEEL GOOD about.
2. Philippians 2:3-4 (READ and COMMENT)
B. Listen to how the other person FEELS.
1. As I stated last week when a person SHARES his or her FRUSTRATIONS, listen attentively to what he or she SAYS and focus on the FEELING words.
COMMENT:
During CONFLICTS if you truly LISTEN to what the other PERSON says, God will help both of you see more CLEARLY the CORE PROBLEM that is fueling the CONFLICT.
2. James 1:19- “…be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
C. Pray for WISDOM.
1. James 1:5- “If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
2. Obviously during CONFLICTS there are differing OPINIONS and SOLUTIONS that come to the SURFACE when discussing the ISSUES.
COMMENT:
When CONFLICTS arise often our JUDGMENT is clouded. God is the only One who sees the BIG PICTURE. Turn to God in PRAYER and ask Him to help you to bring to light a SOLUTION that will benefit both parties.
D. BRAINSTORM about and SELECT a WIN-WIN SOLUTION.
1. Don’t settle on the FIRST SOLUTION you come up with. Proverbs 18:17- “The first to present
his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.”
a. Weigh PROS and CONS.
b. Honestly share your FEELINGS about the PROPOSED SOLUTION. If you don’t FEEL GOOD about it, say so.
2. Keep in MIND that you are trying to come up with a SOLUTION that both parties can AGREE ON and FEEL GOOD about. Do not approach this process SELFISHLY.
- Proverbs 18:1- “An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.”
E. EVALUATE and REWORK your SOLUTION if necessary.
1. If you find out that what was DECIDED upon is not WORKING, then sit down and BRAINSTORM other possible SOLUTIONS.
2. Although both AGREED on the SOLUTION one may find out that it just doesn’t WORK for him or her.
COMMENT:
In situations like that, do not hold the person to the AGREEMENT. “That’s what we both DECIDED on, and that’s what we’re going to do!”
If it didn’t WORK for you, you’d want to come up with something DIFFERENT. So sit down and WORK something else out. Remember, you are trying to come up with a WIN-WIN SOLUTION.
CONCLUSION:
A. I hope and pray that you have BENEFITED from this series of LESSONS.
1. We are CREATED for RELATIONSHIPS and God wants these RELATIONSHIPS to GROW and FLOURISH.
2. I know that’s what I want in my RELATIONSHIPS, and I’m sure you do too.
ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS A TEAM EFFORT?
