COMMUNICATION: LISTEN WITH THE HEART
A. We are continuing our series of lessons on The DNA of Relationships based on the book by Dr. Gary
Smalley. Today’s lesson is on Communication: Listen with the Heart.
ILLUSTRATION:
This story appeared in The News Gazette last May.
A minister decided that a VISUAL DEMONSTRATION would add EMPHASIS to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate JARS. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth work was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of his lesson, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol—dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke—dead. Third word in chocolate syrup—dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil—alive.
So the minister asked the congregation, “What can you learn from this demonstration?”
A little old lady in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
COMMENT:
I could be wrong, but I think COMMUNICATION broke down somewhere during that sermon.
1. H. Norman Wright, a highly respected Christian Marriage and Family counselor, believes that EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is the most important aspect to any relationship and that most RELATIONSHIP problems stem from MIS-COMMUNICATION or LACK of COMMUNICATION.
2. If you think back on some of the PROBLEMS that you’ve had with another person, you know how TRUE that is.
ILLUSTRATION:
One of the key problems in COMMUNICATING is making yourself UNDERSTOOD. .A placard frequently placed on office walls reads: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
B. Communication experts point out that when you talk to another person there are actually six messages that can come through:
1. What you mean to say.
2. What you actually say.
3. What the other person hears.
4. What the other person thinks he hears.
5. What the other person says about what you said.
6. What you think the other person said about what you said.
COMMENT:
No wonder MISCOMMUNICATION or a LACK of COMMUNICATION can cause a lot of MISUNDERSTANDING and leads people to jump to the wrong CONCLUSION. So EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION involves more than merely SPEAKING and LISTENING to the WORDS.
MESSAGE:
I. REQUISITES FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
A. Pay CLOSE ATTENTION to your WORDS.
ILLUSTRATION:
When I was a kid in Elementary School some of my classmates would make fun of me and call me names.
I guess I was DESTINED to be a PREACHER, because after hearing this DAY after DAY after DAY, I finally got so SICK of it that I stood up and PREACHED to those guys, “Remember the words of Jesus! ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.’”
COMMENT:
I heard that phrase so much I thought it had to be found in the Bible. That old saying is not TRUE. Oh . . . WORDS can’t BREAK my BONES, but they can be DEVASTATING. When people sling VERBAL ROCKS at you—CALLING YOU NAMES . . . BELITTLING, DEMEANING, and HUMILIATING you, it HURTS—it CUTS DEEPLY.
1. Our WORDS are POWERFUL! With them we can DESTROY or we can BUILD UP.
a. James 3:9-10 (READ and COMMENT)
b. Ephesians 4:29 (READ and COMMENT)
c. Proverbs 18:21a- “The tongue has the power of life and death…”
COMMENT:
I have seen FAMILIES torn apart because of the TONGUE.
I have seen FRIENDSHIPS destroyed because of the TONGUE.
I have seen Christians leave the CHURCH because of the TONGUE.
I have seen CHURCHES split because of the TONGUE.
2. That’s why we need to use our WORDS wisely.
a. Proverbs 10:19- “When words are many, sin IS NOT absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”
b. Proverbs 11:12- “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”
c. Proverbs 15:1- “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
COMMENT:
A lot of ARGUMENTS and HEARTACHE can be AVOIDED if we just keep a tight REIGN on our TONGUE and SPEAK WORDS that BUILD UP—not DESTROY!
B. Move beyond WORDS to FEELINGS.
1. It’s not enough just to STATE the FACTS about something that UPSETS us, we must help the other person to UNDERSTAND how we FEEL about it.
a. For example: Your husband works LATE without NOTIFYING you and when he finally gets home he INFORMS you that he’s already grabbed a BITE to eat.
ILLUSTRATION:
You can state the facts: “I’ve got dinner on the table! Couldn’t you at least call and tell
me that you were going to be late and wouldn’t be eating here?”
Or you can state your feelings: “Hon, when you don’t call telling me you are going to be late, it makes me FEEL like you don’t APPRECIATE ME for the time and hard work I put into making DINNER and having it on the TABLE for you when you get home.”
b. Prov. 15:18- “A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”
COMMENT:
Making ACCUSATIONS, whether true or not, usually cause the other person to TENSE UP and to become DEFENSIVE. Whereas SHARING your FEELINGS—your HURT—immediately creates an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION and DEEPER UNDERSTANDING between you and the other person.
2. On the other hand, it is also our RESPONSIBILITY to LISTEN beyond the SPOKEN WORDS to the FEELINGS that PROMPT those WORDS.
a. For example: You work late, grab a bite to eat, and then come home and your wife says, “I’ve got dinner on the table! Couldn’t you at least call and tell me that you were going to be late and wouldn’t be eating here?”
ILLUSTRATION:
You can focus on just the CRITICAL WORDS of your WIFE and RETORT, “Do you think I like WORKING LATE? NO!!! I have no CHOICE. And I grabbed a bite to EAT because I was HUNGRY. Besides, my WORKING LATE brings in the MONEY that puts the GROCERIES on the TABLE in the first place.” (I DON’T THINK HE HAS TO WORRY ABOUT DINNER BEING ON THE TABLE FOR QUITE SOME TIME!)
Or you can move BEYOND the SPOKEN WORDS to the FEELINGS that UNDERLIE the WORDS: “Hon, I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have called. I know you WORK HARD to always have a nice MEAL prepared for me when I get home. I just wasn’t thinking. Thank you for all that you do.”
b. Remember James 1:19b: “…be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
C. Allow others’ EMOTIONS to TOUCH you.
1. When someone SHARES their FEELINGS, he or she is OPENING up their HEART to us and leaving themselves very VULNERABLE.
a. We can BELITTLE their FEELINGS: “You don’t have a right to FEEL that way.”
b. We can make LIGHT of their FEELINGS: “Okay, I get it. I made you UPSET.”
c. Or we can allow their feelings to PENETRATE our hearts and FEEL their PAIN: “I can see where this situation really HURT you. I am so sorry. What can I do to make it better?”
2. We are not only to UNDERSTAND the FEELINGS and HURTS of others, but actually to FEEL with them.
a. Comparing the church to our physical bodies with various members, Paul points out: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it…”- I Corinthians 12:26a.
b. Hebrews 13:3- “Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.”
COMMENT:
By putting ourselves in the PLACE of others, we become more SENSITIVE to their FEELINGS and COMPASSIONATE to their SITUATION.
II. THREE SIMPLE STEPS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
COMMENT:
Heated ARGUMENTS solve nothing. I know because I have been in many HEATED ARGUMENTS that did nothing except make MATTERS WORSE. So both parties need to SIT DOWN, RELAX, take some DEEP BREATHS, and then CALMLY discuss the situation that is causing the ARGUMENT. FOLLOW THESE THREE STEPS:
A. Listen to the words that the speaker is saying.
1. Communication experts state that “Most people hear only 20% of what is said.”
a. When a person shares with us what is BOTHERING them, often we are already thinking about how we are going to RESPOND and in the process we are not HEARING what the person is really saying.
b. Proverbs 18:13- “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”
2. When a person is speaking, focus on that person, look them in the eye, listen for their feelings,
and don’t say a word until the person is finish speaking.
COMMENT:
It is so FRUSTRATING when you are sharing your HEART with someone and they are distracted by the TELEVISION, or looking at their WATCH, or playing with their CELL PHONE. Learn to LISTEN ATTENTIVELY.
B. Reflect back to the speaker what you think they are saying.
1. This is the only way that the person is going to know if you really LISTENED and UNDERSTOOD what was said.
a. You simply REPEAT back what was said to you, and especially taking note of the FEELING WORDS that were shared.
ILLUSTRATION:
Your wife tells you that “Your coming in LATE and grabbing a BITE to EAT without calling made her feel UNAPPRECIATED for the time and hard work she puts into preparing DINNER and having it ready for you when you got in.”
b. Now, you can completely MISUNDERSTAND her HURT by merely focusing on the issue: “So you’re telling me that you don’t like it when I work late?”
COMMENT:
This will give her the opportunity to say, “No, that’s not what I mean. You’re not calling me and letting me know you won’t be home for dinner made me feel like you don’t appreciate all the things I do for you.”
c. This will then help you to reflect back: “Oh, you’re not upset that I had to work late, you’re HURT because my not calling made you feel like that I’m not truly GRATEFUL for the wonderful meals you prepare and all the things you do for me.”
2. Proverbs 20:5- “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”
C. Validate the person’s WORDS and FEELINGS.
1. Once you UNDERSTAND the FEELINGS that the other person is SHARING with you, then REINFORCE those FEELINGS with a POSITIVE RESPONSE.
ILLUSTRATION:
Using our example the husband would say, “Hon, I do appreciate all that you do for me. I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t. I promise that I will call if I am LATE again and won’t be home for DINNER.”
2. When a person feels like they are truly UNDERSTOOD and their FEELINGS are VALIDATED, it DEFUSES the SITUATION and EASES the HURT.
3. Proverbs 12:18- “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
COMMENT:
In the middle of a CONFRONTATION you can become IRATE and SAY things that you know are HURTFUL and widen the RIFT between you and the other person, or you can speak WORDS that bring about HEALING and STRENGTHEN your RELATIONSHIP.
CONCLUSION:
A. EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION doesn’t come easy—it is a LEARNING PROCESS.
1. Old HABITS of FINGER POINTING, HURTFUL WORDS, and BUTTON PUSHING are hard to break, but they can and must be BROKEN if you want your RELATIONSHIPS to remain INTACT.
2. Remember Paul’s words: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”- Ephesians 4:31-32
HOW WOULD PEOPLE RATE YOU AS A COMMUNICATOR?
