During the rehearsal for her wedding, a nervous bride was having a difficult time remembering all the details. Her kind pastor took her aside at the end of the rehearsal and said, “When you enter the church tomorrow, you will be walking down the same aisle you’ve walked down many times before. Concentrate on the aisle. And when you get halfway down the aisle, concentrate on the altar. And, when you reach the end of the aisle, your groom will be waiting for you. Concentrate on him. Focus on the aisle, then look at the altar, and finally, lock eyes with your man. That’s all you have to do.”
That seemed to help a lot, and on the day of the wedding, the beautiful but nervous bride walked flawlessly down the aisle. But people were a bit surprised as they heard her repeating these words during the processional: “Aisle, alter, him. Aisle, alter, him. I’ll alter him.”
As we take a look at what God’s Word says about our relationships in the home, our main thought should not be how we can alter others but how the Spirit of God can alter you and me.
Colossians 3:18-21
How we live in our family says a great deal about our faith. There is no more difficult place to exercise these virtues day in and day out than in the home. The home reveals where the heart is. Someone has said that character is who you are when nobody is looking (in this case, nobody other than your family).
1. In a home, each person has equal RIGHTS but different ROLES.
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).
“Here there is no Greek or Jews, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Sythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all” (Col. 3:11).
In this passage, Paul was not simply upholding the cultural norms of his day. Back then, wives and children were looked down upon. Christianity elevated women and valued children.
Many in the first century saw Christianity as a threat to society because it allowed women to have influential positions in the churches (Rom. 16:1-2, 3, 6, 7, 12; Col. 4:15) and slaves were permitted to regard their masters as “brothers” (Philem. 16).
2. In a home, the focus should not be on what I can GET but on what I can GIVE.
• A wife is to give SUPPORT to her husband (v. 18).
There is probably no biblical teaching more controversial than that of a wife’s submission to her husband. The fact that a teaching is not popular is no reason to discard it. If we did that, we wouldn’t have much of the Bible left.
The verb “submit” is in the middle voice and can imply a voluntary submission. It makes the wife’s submission her willing choice.
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’” (Gen. 2:18).
Our English word “helper” doesn’t sound very important. The original Hebrew word, however, is much more meaningful. It conveys the idea of someone who “assists another to reach complete fulfillment”
• A husband is to give LOVE to his wife (v. 19).
“Husbands, love your wives” (v. 19a). The successful marriage is based on love. Since love is commanded, it is not simply a feeling. Romantic love may lead to marriage, but it does not sustain it for long. It is much easier to feel romantic love for someone when you do not live with them. The love that Paul commands husbands to have for their wives is something that can be willed. This kind of love is not a feeling but an action. It always puts the welfare of the wife and her needs first. It is never concerned with power or control.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). A husband must love his wife to the point of being willing to die for her. A wife is asked to submit to her husband’s love, not to his authority.
“And do not be harsh with them” (v. 19b). The phrase could also be translated, “Do not become embittered [or resentful] toward her.” No matter how a husband’s wife responds to his love, he never has the right to stop loving her or treating her harshly.
• A child is to give OBEDIENCE to his or her parents (v. 20).
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex. 20:12).
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’” (Eph. 6:13).
If you learn obedience in the home, it will help you in life. You’re always going to have people telling you what to do. You need to learn how to respond to authority while you are young.
• A parent is to give UNDERSTANDING to his or her children (v. 21).
Discipline should be reasonable. If your child spills a glass of juice on the floor, you shouldn’t banish him to his room for a month. The punishment should fit the crime.
In Paul’s day, the father was more like a dictator than a dad. Probably the opposite is true today (at least in North America). The man problem I see is that children are being ignored, neglected. Parents are too busy for their children.
Each role in the home calls for a certain amount of submission. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21).
When Paul calls for submission, our “liberated” culture responds snippily: “How dare he tell anyone to submit to anyone.” Submission is out of style, though sinful human beings have always been resistant to it. The anthem today is: “Express yourself. Do not repress yourself.” Marriage bonds that were once thought to be irrevocable, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, have become limited, contingent, and temporary arrangements. Commitment to my personal welfare supersedes commitment to the welfare of others. The value placed on individual freedom and independence has become nonnegotiable; consequently, when a relationship becomes troublesome, it is scuttled. We do not want to yield control of our lives or our choices or to put ourselves at their disposal. (David Garland, The NIV Application Commentary: Colossians/
Philemon, p. 263).
The opposite of submission is the belief that I and my perceived needs are more important than any others. It manifests itself in a variety of ways:
• A lack of consideration for the other
• Indifference to the other’s needs
• Haughtiness
• Using the other to get your own way
• Living only in the present and promising no future commitment
Submission, on the other hand, is:
• Committing one’s entire life and all its possibilities to another
• Wanting the other person’s good (not just wanting the other person to meet my needs)
• Being concerned for the ultimate well-being of another without trying to control that person or to win praise for such sacrifice
• Accepting the demands of the relationship without bitterness and not tallying the labors and sacrifices to see when I have done enough
• Accepting responsibility for another, accepting his or her problems as our problems
• Listening to the other
It seems that the only unconditional commitment people have today is to themselves.
[Read Luke 10:30-37.] The submission of the Samaritan to the needs of the mugged stranger lying helplessly beside the road best captures what submission means. The robbers acted on the principle that “what is thine is mine and I am going to take it.” The priest who passed by acted on the principle that “what is mine is mine and I am going to keep it.” The Samaritan acted on the principle that “what is mine is thine, and I am going to use it to restore your life.”
3. In a home, the person with the greater AUTHORITY is to give the greater SERVICE.
[Read Mark 10:42-45; John 13:12-17.]
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4).
4. In a home, the most important person should be CHRIST.
• “…as is fitting in the Lord” (v. 18)
• “…just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25)
• “…for this pleases the Lord” (v. 20)
• “…bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
CHALLENGE: This week focus on what you can give to others rather than on what you can get from others, especially those in your home.
THE HOME REVEALS WHERE THE HEART IS
Colossians 3:18-21
5. In a home, each person has equal ________________ but different ________________.
6. In a home, the focus should not be on what I can ________________ but on what I can ________________.
• A wife is to give ________________ to her husband (v. 18).
• A husband is to give _______________ to his wife (v. 19).
• A child is to give _________________ to his or her parents (v. 20).
• A parent is to give __________________ to his or her children (v. 21).
Each role calls for a certain amount of submission. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
7. In a home, the person with the greater ________________ is to give the greater ________________.
See Mark 10:42-45; John 13:1-17; Phil. 2:3-8.
8. In a home, the most important person should be ________________.
• “…as is fitting in the Lord” (v. 18)
• “…just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25)
• “…for this pleases the Lord” (v. 20)
• “…bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
Challenge: “Each of you should look not only on your own interests, but also on the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). This week focus on what you can give to others rather than what you can get from others, especially those in your home.
