The Making of a Man…
Series: Surviving the School of Hard Knocks
June 18, 2000
Somebody sent this to me over the internet, and I thought it was pretty appropriate for Father’s Day. It’s called…
REASONS TO BE A GUY…
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours, without ever
thinking, "He must be mad at me."
You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a
bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can ’do your nails’ with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on
December 24th in 45 minutes.
You can read this list and not know you hurt anybodies feelings.
Now, if you’re a woman this morning, you may not think some of those things are advantages…
And the reality is that it takes a lot more than being able to “belch on cue”… to be a man! It takes even more to be a Father!
Someone defined a “DAD” as a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic…
A person who growls when it feels good, and laughs very loud when he’s scared ½ to death….
A person who gives his daughter away to man who isn’t nearly good enough… so they can have grandchildren that are smarter than anybody’s!
The fact is, before you can be a great dad, you have to learn how to be a great man.
This morning we’re starting a new series entitled, “Surviving the School of Hard Knocks”. It’s really going to be a study on the life of a man called Joseph in the bible.
Joseph is a young man with a very painful past – and very little of it was his fault. The story of what Joseph did about it, is a message God wants to get across to us…
So he dedicates more than 1/4th of the book of Genesis (chap.37-50) to his remarkable life.
Now because you can find out a whole lot about a man by learning about his dad (and because today is Father’s Day!)… We’re going to start out this morning by spending some time looking at Josephs family background, and especially his dad… Jacob.
Now Jacob probably wouldn’t win the “Father of the Year” award from the local Canaanite Kiwanis Club.
For starters, he was a rat! The bible describes him as a deceiver, in fact, even his name lit. meant, “chiseler” or “deceiver”. Now you have to admit, you’ve gotta be pretty bad, if your own parents name you “deceiver”!
But Jacob lived up to his name starting in Gen. 27 where he deceived his brother Esau right out of the family birthright. By linking up with his mother Rebecca, he tricked his father, (Isaac) and gained the blessing.
When the deal was exposed, Jacob had to run for his life because Esau was trying to kill him. He fled to the land of a relative named Laban and fell in love with his daughter Rachel.
Now there’s a biblical principle in Numbers 32:23 that says, “you may be sure that your sin will catch up with you.” (LB) And that was certainly the case here, because in Laban… Jacob met his match!
Laban told Jacob in Gen.29:19,20 (READ)
The problem was that Laban was having troubles getting rid of Rachels (well let’s say…less than beautiful sister, Leah.) So he cooked up a scheme, and after 7 years of hard labor, Laban tricked Jacob into consummating their marriage with Leah instead of Rachel.
The result? Jacob had to work 7 MORE years in order to win the hand of his true love.
After 14 years of hard work, he finally gets to marry Rachel, but there’s only one problem… Rachel was having trouble getting pregnant! Leah could only bear 4 children, and since having kids was the way family’s survived in those days…
Jacob decided to sleep with their hand-maidens. And so now Jacob had 4 wives! (and you think you’ve got problems!)
So here we’ve got this patchwork family of a husband and 4 wives, (3 of which the man didn’t even love, and didn’t plan to marry!).
Are you getting a picture of the kind of family Joseph was born into? In today’s terms we might call it “dysfunctional”!
Jacob’s life of deception continued when he “deceived Laban” in Gen. 31:20 by running off (family in tow) without telling him.
Is it any wonder that by the time Jacob had 11 sons, counting Joseph (Rachel finally had her 1st)… that the older boys turned out to be just as treacherous as their dad?
In fact they were even worse! Because their deception involved killing all the men in the city of Shechem in revenge for the rape of their one sister “Dinah”.
If that wasn’t enough, Reuben, the firstborn son, slept with one of his fathers wife’s! While Judah, (his brother) was seduced by his daughter-in-law. (Gee! This is beginning to sound like “As the Stomach Turns!”)
How many of you would agree that this is not what you would call a well-adjusted family?
This is not necc. the kind of family you would want to grow up in, and it’s not the kind of family that you would want your kids to grow up in…but this was the only family Joseph had!
He had every excuse in the book not to turn out right, but when the Bible presents Joseph to us, it presents a man of greatness, godliness and honesty.
Now men, I don’t know what kind of family you had as a child, but I want you to know that just because your mom or dad may have been messed up, and just because your brothers and sisters turned out rotten… you don’t have to wind up the same way!
It’s true that your past is going to have an effect on you… it can influence you… BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO CONTROL YOU!
Joseph could have given up before he started in life. He could have followed the same path that his Dad and older brothers had laid out for him… but instead, He refused to hide behind his past… and he refused to let the sins of others control him!
He made a personal choice to live above the level of deception and dishonesty.
Which is really the 1st sign of a real man…
REAL MEN (and real Dads)…are DIRECT not deceptive.
You know where they stand on issues, because they make their stand known. They have values and principles (based on the bible) that they’re not willing to compromise for anybody or anything.
What we’re talking about in a word is… INTEGRITY.
A person of integrity is a person who’s established a set of values, and everything in life is judged by those values.
So that when we have a situation where we have to choose between what we want to do, and what we ought to do… the decision has already been made by our values.
In otherwords, integrity allows us to “predetermine” how we’re going to act… regardless of the people, place or problem.
Its like someone once said, “The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he’d never be found out!”
So many public figures are into “image” today. They hire “spin-doctors” to make sure their image is always in tact. To them, “Image” is everything!
But I agree with those Sprite commercials… “Image is nothing!”
See, image is what people think we are… integrity is what we really are!
It’s like the two old ladies walking around in an old English country churchyard, when they came across a tombstone. The inscription said, Here lies John Smith, a politician and an honest man.”
“Good heavens” one lady said to the other. “Isn’t it awful that they put two people in the same grave!”
Men if you’re not the same person at church that you are at home, or work… your wife and kids will pick up on it and you’ll lose credibility. And when you lose credibility, you also lose influence.
That’s tragic!
When there’s no difference between what we appear to be and what our family knows we are… that’s when we begin to make a difference in the lives of our family.
Socrates said, “The 1st key to greatness is to be in reality what we appear to be!”
So take the “3 Integrity Tests” with me this morning…
1. The MIRROR Test…
Ask yourself… “Am I true to myself?” Or…have I sold out to the lowest bidder?
Listen to this short poem entitled “Judas”
“Still as of old
Men by themselves are priced –
For 30 pieces Judas sold Himself…not Christ!”
Then 2ndly, there’s the MENTOR Test…
Ask yourself this morning… “Am I true to my leader?” Think of the person who had the greatest positive influence on your life.
Maybe it was your dad or mom, a family friend, an uncle, or a grandparent…
Are you being true to the values they instilled in you? Would they be proud of you?
And then 3rdly, take the “MASSES Test”…
Ask yourself, “Am I being true to my followers?”
You need to understand that whatever bad decisions you’re making now, WILL affect those who follow you.
Jacob probably had no idea that His deceptions would breed a “scheming spirit” in his own sons. But it did!
And like a boomerang, their deception would come back to cause him the greatest grief he’d ever experience in life.
After they had sold his favored son (Joseph) to slave traders, they would come home and lie to him about what happened!
Men make every effort to be a person of integrity, because…
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost;
When health is lost, something is lost…
But… when character is lost… ALL is lost!”
Now the 2nd area I want to talk primarily to you men about, as we look at Josephs dad, is that…
2. REAL MEN… Are PROACTIVE not passive.
Jacob modeled a characteristic that’s going to seem very familiar to a lot of women here this morning when it comes to their husband… Because when it came to his family, Jacob had basically, “Checked Out”!
He’s a classic illustration of a man who was too busy for his kids, too preoccupied with his work (or his “pet project”)…
…and basically unconcerned and uncommitted to the daily task of raising a family.
Read Gen.35:21-22
Here’s his oldest son having sexual relations with Bilhah, who was the mother of 2 of his half-brothers. Jacob knew what was going on, but was such a passive father that when he heard what his son had done… he did absolutely nothing about it! Can you believe that?
He was too passive to deal with what was happening with his kids even though it was going on right under his nose! And He paid for it… BIG TIME!
Now into this mess Joseph was born. And from the time of his birth, Joseph was his father’s favorite. He was Rachel’s 1st born and he loved her very much, so it was a natural thing.
Jacob’s biggest mistake was that he made no attempt to hide his favoritism… In fact He put it on display by giving Joseph his famous, “coat of many colors”. The NIV calls it a “richly ornamented robe.” It was the kind of thing royalty would wear.
It’s a fact that passive fathers tend to favor the child who’s easiest to raise, and Joseph fit the bill. And since Jacob already had 10 sons who were out of control… he favored the one who was a delight to his heart.
Listen Dads… there’s not a more subtle enemy to your home than passivity. The easiest thing in the world is to come home at the end of the day, (thinking you’ve done you’re duty)… and then just sit down in you favorite chair for the rest of the night.
You lock into your favorite T.V. show… while locking-OUT your family.
If that’s you, then let me give you a little dose of reality. If you’re a dad, when you come home at night… your day’s just begun!
Your wife needs you, and your kids need you to be totally involved in their lives! “Disconnected Dads” are one of the biggest reasons for the family breakdown we see in our society today!
Did you know for instance that over the past 30 yrs….
- Illegitimate birthrates have increased more than 400%
- Teen suicide has increased almost 300%
- SAT scores have dropped 73 pts. overall
- And ¼ of all teens contract a sexually transmitted disease before they graduate from high school.
Not a surprise when you consider that the avg. child spends 7 hours a day watching T.V., but only 5 min. a day with their Dad.
In the movie “Hook”, the grown-up Peter Pan, played by Robin Williams promises his son that he’ll be at his baseball game…
But business has taken priority in his life and he ends up missing another game and breaking another promise.
Play Video: Start 2:40… “Peters phone rings in the theater”
Stop 6:40… “Peter’s phone rings in the ballpark”
When his son catches sight of the camcorder, he loses focus and strikes out. Peter arrives at the ballpark long after the game is over, realizing that he’s struck out too… with his family!
There’s not a Dad in this room who doesn’t know what it feels like to “strike out” with his family. But even though you’ve struck out, it doesn’t mean you have to lose the game… IF… you’ll take some PROACTIVE steps…
1st… Keep the CONNECTIONS close.
Every kid is different, so figure out what it is that turns their crank
and do that thing with them! For Ethan that’s easy, just take out the Batman and Superman action figures, and play make-believe with him for awhile.
But the older your kids get, the harder it is. Know what though?…that’s no excuse! It doesn’t matter how you do it, but find a way to get one on one time with your kids on a regular basis.
If that means getting blown away on a Playstation game… so be it!
If that means going with them to a concert, or throwing the ball around… DO IT!
“What” you do isn’t nearly important as just doing it! Believe me, time spent building a relationship is going to come in handy when you go through some of the problems that having a teenager in the house presents.
I’m not the perfect parent, but I’m trying to remember (esp. with teens) that “rules without relationships lead to rebellion”!
2nd … Keep the COMMUNICATION open!
I’ve told my kids, whatever happens… we’ve got to keep talking!
If we as Dads and Moms will make it a priority to talk to our kids when they’re young… when they’re older, they’ll make it a priority to talk to us!
To do that, you’ve got to enter their world… whether it be their room, on the basketball court, or at the pool.
Learn to ask questions, in order to get them to talk about their own concerns, opinions and problems.
And then, be open about your weaknesses, because in case you haven’t noticed, kids have a way of flushing your faults to the surface. (Amen?)
My kids may not remember all the times I’ve been kind to people, but I’ll guarantee you they’ll remember the times I’ve lost my temper!
When I goof, if I try and cover up my faults… I’m not fooling my kids… I’m just teaching them how to cover their tracks too! Instead, I need to confess them and use my faults as lessons on how NOT to be!
Most of all, remember that when I use criticism or sarcasm, I get a reaction… but if I give praise and encouragement… I get a response.
Pro-active Dads, make sure that they know their kids and their kids know them.
Dad, if you don’t do that, then your kids are sitting ducks for the 1st person that shows them a little attention.
-For girls it may be a guy who shows them affection, but really
wants something else.
- For guys, they’ll find a gang or a group of angry, neglected, boys (just like themselves), who are headed for nothing but trouble.
The movie “Hook”, is about a father who recognized his mistakes and fought to win back the love of his son and daughter from an evil villain who was willing to give them everything they wanted, but nothing they needed.
The best advise I can give you is… never lose them in the 1st place. But if they’ve gotten “hooked” on something or someone else… I want to encourage you to go, and work to get them back!
For Jacob it was getting too late for the first 10, but something happened in his life that made him want to be different with Joseph.
Let me tell you the reason I believe Joseph turned out better than Jacobs older boys. I didn’t tell you about this part of the story, but even though Jacob was a mess for a long time, when he got older he had a confrontation with God that lit. changed his life!
Read Gen. 32:24-32
Jacob had a WWF match with a person he later described as God. Personally I think it was Jesus himself, before he came to earth later as a man.
I can see the ringmaster now… “In this corner…Jesus, Master of the Universe! Representing God the eternal Father. And in this corner… Stone Cold Jacob, Master deceiver! Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!”
And “rumble” they did! It was a match that went on all night and in the end, Jacob walked away with a limp.
It was a reminder of a deeper wrestling match… a struggle over whether he would continue to live life in his own strength, or whether he would allow God to take complete control.
He came face to face with his greatest weakness, and tired of struggling, finally gave in. It was a pt. of brokenness. Have you ever had that experience?
The Apostle Paul 1000’s of years later came to that same point and writes about it in Romans 7: 18-25 (READ)
Paul was wrestling with sin and it’s hold on his life. Exhausted and worn out, he cries out in vs. 24… “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?”
That term “wretched” used here, is a Greek wrestling term. If you know anything about “real” wrestling, (not the fake “Smack Down” variety), you know that it originated with the Greeks.
It was used to describe a person who is exhausted after a long and strenuous struggle. (I wrestled in high school, and that’s a pretty good description of how you feel when you finish a match!)
Let me ask you men, have you come to the point where you’re tired of living life on your own terms? Tired of struggling with the same old habits? Trying to change yourself?
It’s when you come to the pt. of physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion, from wrestling against God and His ways that you cry out like Paul and Jacob… “I’m through! I give up God! YOU WIN!
You stop “deceiving” yourself, you stop being a “Jacob” and come to the realization that without God’s help in changing you… you’re sunk!
Some of you men (some of you ladies) need to come to that pt. in your lives. It’s a place called “Peniel”. Lit. “face of God”
Have you been there? Have you come face to face with God? If you have, you know it… because you have the scars on your heart to prove it. You’ve wrestled with God… and lost! And since then, you’ve never been happier!
Jacob walked away from that place a changed man! In fact, he was so changed that God gave him a new name. He was no longer, “Jacob” the deceiver… but “Israel”… “one who strives with God”.
In his later years Jacob made a decision for God that gave him a new lease on life. And Joseph, was still young enough to benefit from that decision.
He made the 3rd decision that makes a real man. It was the decision to become a…
3. Spiritual LEADER not a spiritual LIMPER!
I’m convinced that Jacobs commitment to become a spiritual leader in his family, is what led Joseph to becoming a man of God.
In case you didn’t know, regardless whether their moms were godly women or not… little boys will almost always follow their Dads when it comes to spiritual matters!
A careful man I want to be,
A little fellow follows me;
I do not dare to go astray
For fear he’ll go the self-same way.
I cannot once escape his eyes,
Whate’er he sees me do he tries.
Like ME he says he’s going to be
That little chap who follows me.
I must remember as I go
Through summer suns and winter snows,
I am building for the years to be
That little chap who follows me.
Some of you have heard of “Promise Keepers”, an organization dedicated to encouraging men to become spiritual leaders in their homes. (By the way in Sept. a conf. in Sac. I’d like to take as many as you men to as possible)
Anyway, at one of the conferences, Pastor James Ryle told his story… “When he was 2 yrs. old, his father was sent to prison. When he was 7, authorities placed him in an orphanage. At 19, he had a car wreck that killed a friend. He sold drugs to raise money for his legal fees, and the law caught up to him. He was arrested, charged with a felony and sent to prison.
While in prison James accepted Christ, and after he had served his time, he eventually went into the ministry. Years later he sought out his father to reconcile with him, and when they got together, the conversation turned to prison life.
James’ father asked, “So…which prison were you in?”
James told him and his father turned white. He said, “I helped build that prison!” He had been a welder who went from place to place building penitentiaries.
Pastor Ryle concluded, “ I was in the prison my father built!”
Listen, a father’s example builds a place to live for his children. It’s our choice men… will it be a house, or a prison?
To be a spiritual leader means 4 things… 1st it means that you are
2. A Model…
We’ve already talked about this, but it’s really pretty simple. You can only pass on to others what you possess yourself.
To pass on godliness to you kids, you have to be a man of God yourself. There’s no other way!
A spiritual leader in the home models God in his attitude, his words, his time with God, and his time with his family.
2ndly, a spiritual leader is … a Manager
There are certain managerial functions that a spiritual leader performs in the home.
For instance, whether you do the books in your house or not, as the head of the household, you’re responsible for making wise financial decisions, and not just dumping them all on your wife.
Men, you’re responsible for making sure that your wives spiritual and emotional needs are met. You’re responsible for making sure that problems in the home get solutions.
Being a good manager doesn’t always mean that you have all the answers, but you make sure that answers are found and that your home runs smoothly.
And then, as spiritual leader we have the job of being…
3. A Mentor
Mentoring means making a voluntary investment of your life and energy in other people. The N.T. word for mentoring is “discipling”.
It’s pouring your life, wisdom, skills and spirit into the life of someone else, so that there’s a spiritual reproduction.
Now if Jesus told us to make “disciples of all nations” … don’t you think that our homes would be the best place to start?
I’ve always believed that if I led 1000’s of people to Christ, but lost my own kids… then it would be a loss!
Being a good parent is the ultimate discipleship!
And then lastly, as spiritual leaders, God calls us to be…
4. A Minister
As the spiritual leader in your home, you are called to “minister” to your wife and kids.
In Mt. 20:26 Jesus told us that if we want to be leaders… we first of all have to be servants. (READ)
The way we serve in our homes is to be the kind of man our wives love to love. Do you want to be a husband that your wife loves to love? If so, then…
1. Learn to walk in and out of your house without causing damage.
Husbands that cause damage walk into the house and say things like… “Why does this house always look like a pigsty? When is supper ready? Can’t you keep these kids quiet?
That’s not the role of a servant leader. The role of a servant leader is to walk in and look for ways to help.
2. Husbands that wives love to love… Open their hearts up to them When asked the question, “How did your day go?” They don’t answer… “Okay”, and that’s the end of it!
3rdly, Husbands that wives love to love… are sensitive to her and her kids needs.
Most men are pretty ignorant about their own emotions because they only experience them for a few seconds! Because of that, most men are ignorant about their wives emotions.
As a result, we hurt them without even knowing we’ve done it.
With God’s (and your wife’s help), it’s possible to become more sensitive to her needs and the needs of others. Basic equipment, if you are going to be the spiritual leader in your home.
(I could go into this in greater detail, but we don’t have time this morning. But if you’re interested in how to become a better minister in your home, it’s something we talk about in our Marriage Enrich. Class each wk. You’re invited!)
As we tie it up this morning…
I want to encourage you… If you’re a husband and a father, who can look back and see bad decisions that messed up your family…
…you may not be able to fix the past, & you can’t raise your children again… but if you’ll start walking with God now, He can make up some of those lost days and opportunities.
Jacob couldn’t fix the past, but he could walk with God in the present. He lived to see God bless him in spite of his past. A son like Joseph was the answer to his prayers.
Remember, even though you can’t go back and make a brand new
START… you can start right now, and make a brand new END!
It starts with a decision to be a REAL MAN…
1. To be Direct not Deceitful
2. To be Proactive not Passive
3. To be a Leader not a Limper.
Let’s pray…
