HOW TO CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
The DNA of Relationships (4)
A. Today is the fourth lesson in our series on The DNA of Relationships based on the book by Dr. Gary
Smalley. Today’s lesson is entitled: How To Create a Safe Environment.
ILLUSTRATION:
A man and his wife who had been married for 45 years went on VACATION to Jerusalem. While they were there, the HUSBAND suddenly passed away with a HEART ATTACK. The FUNERAL DIRECTOR told the wife, “You can have your husband shipped HOME for $5,000, or you can BURY him here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him SHIPPED home.
The funeral director asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband HOME, when it would be wonderful to be BURIED here in the Holy Land and you would spend only $150?”
The woman replied, “Long ago a man DIED here, was BURIED here, and three days later He ROSE from the dead. . . . I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.”
COMMENT:
I may be wrong, but something tells me that that HOUSEHOLD wasn’t a very PEACEFUL and SAFE ENVIRONMENT.
B. We closed with this PASSAGE last week: I John 4:18a- “There is no fear in love. But perfect love
drives out fear…”
1. This is the kind of LOVE that we are to STRIVE to develop in our LIVES and in our RELATIONSHIPS.
COMMENT:
John said, “Perfect love drives out fear.” If we demonstrate a MATURE LOVE towards others in our closest relationships, then they will have no reason to FEAR—they will feel SAFE.
2. The apostle Paul describes TRUE LOVE in I Corinthians 13: 4-8a (READ and COMMENT)
COMMENT:
Can’t you see if we DEMONSTRATE this kind of LOVE toward our HUSBAND or WIFE, PARENTS or CHILDREN, FRIENDS and NEIGHBORS, CO-WORKERS or CLASSMATES, FELLOW-CHRISTIANS, how these RELATIONSHIPS can GROW and FLOURISH in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT?
C. According to Dr. Gary Smalley, “Safety is when you feel free to open up and reveal who you really are and know that the other person will still love, accept, and value you—no matter what.”
1. This is the way our RELATIONSHIPS should be, but they’re often not that way.
2. We haven’t always made it SAFE for the other person in our RELATIONSHIP, and it hasn’t always been SAFE for us.
COMMENT:
When it’s not SAFE in our RELATIONSHIPS we build WALLS of SAFETY to PROTECT us. And these WALLS manifest themselves in different ways: we SHUT DOWN, we DISTANCE ourselves, we ENGAGE in only CASUAL CONVERSATION—no DEEP COMMUNICATION, we LEAVE and TERMINATE the RELATIONSHIP.
D. What can we do to CREATE a SAFE ENVIRONMENT?
MESSAGE:
I. RESPECT THE WALLS
A. This a tough one, especially for MEN, because we want to FIX THINGS!
1. When a RELATIONAL WALL goes up between us and our WIFE, our CHILDREN, a CO-WORKER, we want that WALL to COME DOWN now!!!
COMMENT:
So what do we do? We grab a SLEDGEHAMMER and start POUNDING on that WALL trying our best to BREAK it DOWN. We don’t realize it, but all that does is cause the other person to BUILD UP more layers of RESISTANCE.
2. WALLS are always BUILT by people who feel THREATENED.
COMMENT:
Behind every WALL we find a person who feels UNSAFE. Usually that person doesn’t want to stay CLOSED and DEFENDED, but because the ENVIRONMENT feels UNSAFE, he or she BUILDS the WALL for PROTECTION and SELF-PRESERVATION.
3. You may know people who ERECT these kinds of WALLS.
ILLUSTRATION:
It may have been someone who has been PHYSICALLY or SEXUALLY ABUSED at some point and have a general DISTRUST toward everyone.
It may be a HUSBAND or WIFE shutting down emotionally because his or her SPOUSE was UNFAITHFUL.
It may be a TEENAGER who LOCKS him or herself up in their ROOM trying to AVOID the constant CRITICISM from his or her PARENTS.
It may be a CHRISTIAN who quits coming to CHURCH because of the JUDGMENTAL SPIRIT of some of his or her FELLOW-CHRISTIANS in the CONGREGATION.
Maybe YOU have ERECTED some of these WALLS because you FELT HURT or BETRAYED or BELITTLED by another.
B. Whatever the REASON, these WALLS go up because PEOPLE no longer feel SAFE.
1. If we want the WALL to come down, then we need to RESPECT the WALL and do what we can to CREATE a SAFE PLACE for the other person once again. SAFETY comes when others feel VALUED by us.
2. Remember Paul said that “TRUE LOVE is PATIENT . . . and always PROTECTS.”
II. HONOR OTHERS
A. To HONOR OTHERS simply means to VALUE OTHERS.
1. How VALUABLE are your RELATIONSHIPS?
COMMENT:
If you SUDDENLY lost your HUSBAND or WIFE in a CAR ACCIDENT, would it LEAVE a VOID in your LIFE?
If your TEENAGE SON ran away from HOME, would you ever GIVE UP looking for him—would you ever quit HOPING and PRAYING that he would RETURN?
2. We often take our RELATIONSHIPS for GRANTED, but if something TRAGIC happened to them we would DEEPLY REGRET it.
ILLUSTRATION:
I have seen people interviewed on television whom have TRAGICALLY lost a LOVED ONE, and often hear from them with such HURT in their VOICE, “I didn’t get a CHANCE to him that I LOVED him.”
3. I don’t know about you, but personally I know I need to do a BETTER JOB of showing my WIFE and CHILDREN, my FRIENDS, my FELLOW-CHRISTIANS how much I APPRECIATE them and what they MEAN to me.
B. The people around us need to feel VALUED.
1. Philippians 2:3- “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider
others BETTER than yourselves.” (Not just as important, but more so.)
a. Can you imagine how WONDERFUL our RELATIONSHIPS would be if we actually APPLIED the PRINCIPLE taught in this PASSAGE to our MARRIAGE, to our CHILDREN,
to our PARENTS, to our CHURCH FAMILY, to our CO-WORKERS?
b. If I “consider others BETTER than myself” I will SEEK OUT and DO what is BEST for them and not just what BENEFITS me. Paul said that “LOVE is not SELF-SEEKING.”
2. In that kind of ENVIRONMENT there is tremendous SAFETY knowing that you are VALUED by the other person NO MATTER WHAT.
ILLUSTRATION:
There was a man who decided to ask his BOSS for a RAISE in SALARY. It was Friday. He told his WIFE that morning what he was about to do. All day long the man felt NERVOUS and APPREHENSIVE. Late in the afternoon he summoned the COURAGE to approach his
employer. To his delight, the BOSS agreed to the RAISE.
The man arrived home to a BEAUTIFUL TABLE set with their best CHINA. Candles were lighted. His WIFE prepared a FESTIVE meal. Immediately he figured that someone from the office had tipped her off. Finding his WIFE in the kitchen he told her the GOOD NEWS. They EMBRACED and KISSED, then sat down to a wonderful MEAL.
Next to his plate the man found a beautiful HAND-WRITTEN CARD. It read: “Congratulations, darling! I knew you’d get the RAISE! These things will tell you how much I LOVE and APPRECIATE you.”
While on his way to the kitchen to get DESSERT, he noticed that a second CARD had fallen from his wife’s pocket. Picking it off the floor it read: “Darling, don’t worry about not getting the RAISE. You DESERVE it anyway! These things will tell you how much I LOVE and APPRECIATE you.”
III. SUSPEND JUDGMENT
A. It is so EASY to JUDGE others, but because we are IMPERFECT we make BAD JUDGES.
1. Our problem in JUDGING others, we often OVERLOOK our own SINS, FAULTS, and MISTAKES.
a. Listen to what Jesus says about that- Matthew 7:1-5 (READ and COMMENT)
COMMENT:
Jesus said that we are to “LOOK at ourselves first.”
b. This is taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for our part of the PROBLEM.
2. Along with JUDGING others, often come GOSSIP and RUMORS about the other person.
a. James 4:11 (READ) (Grk. “slander”- to talk against, to defame, to speak evil of.)
ILLUSTRATION:
I don’t know if you have been the VICTIM of GOSSIP and RUMOR or not, but it HURTS. You feel so HELPLESS when the RUMOR MILL starts because no matter how hard you try, you just can’t STOP it—you just sit back out of FRUSTRATION and silently pray, “Lord, what is he or she SAYING about me now.”
And what HURTS most is when a LOVED ONE or FRIEND is spreading the GOSSIP.
There’s no SAFE ENVIRONMENT in that kind of RELATIONSHIP.
b. Paul said, “TRUE LOVE keeps no RECORD of WRONGS.”
B. JUDGING others and GOSSIPING about them SOLVES absolutely nothing, it just ESCALATES the PROBLEM.
1. And have you ever JUDGED somebody for something you thought they SAID or DIDN’T SAY or DID or DIDN’T DO and found out later that you completely MISJUDGED them?
a. For some reason, it is easier to jump to NEGATIVE CONCLUSIONS about people than it is to assume the BEST about them.
b. When we do this, we ascribe to them BAD INTENTIONS and EVIL PURPOSES that may not be true at all
ILLUSTRATION:
In his little book Illustrations of Bible Truth, H.
A. Ironside pointed out the folly of judging
others. He related an incident in the life of a man called Bishop Potter.
He was sailing for Europe on one of the great transatlantic ocean liners. When he went on board, he found that another PASSENGER was to share the CABIN with him. After getting SETTLED in, he went up to the PURSER’S desk and inquired if he could leave his GOLD WATCH and other VALUABLES in the ship’s SAFE. He explained that ordinarily he never availed himself of that privilege, but he had been to his CABIN and had met the man who was to occupy the other berth. Judging from his appearance, he was AFRAID that he might not be a very TRUSTWORTHY PERSON.
The purser accepted the responsibility for the valuables and remarked, “It’s all right, BISHOP, I’ll be glad to take care of them for you. Your CABIN MATE has already been up here and left his VALUABLES for the same REASON!”
2. The only One who KNOWS ALL and SEES ALL and, therefore, can JUDGE righteously is God—not you and not me- James 4:12 (READ)
COMMENT:
It is LIBERATING to GIVE UP the JUDGING BUSINESS and GIVE IT BACK to God.
IV. VALUE DIFFERENCES
A. When two people are in CONFLICT, they often point to their DIFFERENCES as the PROBLEM.
1. God has CREATED us to be DIFFERENT so that we can actually COMPLIMENT each other.-I Corinthians 12:4-6 (READ)
2. God has placed within the church people with different GIFTS, SKILLS, ABILITIES, to help the church GROW in many areas and FUNCTION at peak EFFICIENCY.
B. This is also TRUE of other RELATIONSHIPS.
1. My wife Brenda has an OUTGOING, EXTROVERTED personality.
ILLUSTRATION:
She never meets a STRANGER. We will leave a RESTAURANT and on the way out she will STOP and TALK with people who are there EATING. I will look back and see them LAUGHING and CUTTING UP.
When she finally comes out I’ll ask, “Who’s that.” She says, “I don’t know, but the LADY is going to have SURGERY next Friday at 2:00. Her husband is looking for another JOB. Their SON is getting ready to go to COLLEGE. Their DAUGHTER in Cleveland just had a BABY GIRL.”
She knows their LIFE HISTORY, and she had never met them before until that day.
2. On the other hand, I am more RESERVED—especially around people I don’t know.
COMMENT:
Although Brenda and I are SO DIFFERENT in this area, over the years she has helped me OVERCOME a lot of my SHYNESS and we even have made some NEW FRIENDS over the years as a RESULT of her walking up to complete STRANGERS.
3. When a person is VALUED for being the way they are—DIFFERENCES and all, they feel SAFE with us. They don’t have to feel like they are in COMPETITION with us.
4. Paul- “Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
V. EARN TRUST
A. When other people see us as TRUSTWORTHY, they feel SAFE with us.
1. Being TRUSTWORTHY is DEMONSTRATED in many ways.
a. Keeping your PROMISES. (When you say you will do something, you do it!)
b. Being TRUTHFUL and HONEST. (Don’t LIE to the other person.)
c. Being PROTECTIVE. (Don’t intentionally put a person in a position to be hurt.)
d. Keeping CONFIDENCES. (Don’t go around talking bad about the other person.)
e. Remaining FAITHFUL. (If married, don’t go seeking another person.)
2. Creating a TRUSTWORTHY ENVIRONMENT is an ongoing RESPONSIBILITY and CHOICE.
COMMENT:
We should always take into account the VALUE and VULNERABILITY of people. Never should we do anything intentionally that will destroy the TRUST that we have invested in others.
B. Once TRUST is VIOLATED, it takes a long time—maybe years—to REGAIN someone’s TRUST.
1. Wounds take time to HEAL. When we VIOLATE a person’s TRUST he or she is AFRAID of being HURT again.
2. If that happens, be PATIENT with the other person and be CONSISTENT in doing what is necessary to REBUILD a TRUSTWORTHY relationship.
3. Paul- “TRUE LOVE always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
CONCLUSION:
HOW SAFE DO YOU FEEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
