How to Handle an Argument
Proverbs 15:1-4
A couple had been married for fifty years. "Things have really changed," she said. "You used to sit very close to me." "Well, I can remedy that," he said, moving next to her on the couch. "And you used to hold me tight." "How’s this?" he asked as he gave her a hug. "Do you remember you used to nudge my neck and nibble on my ear lobes?" He jumped to his feet and left the room. "Where are you going?" "I’ll be right back," he said. "I’ve got to get my teeth!"
"Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. How can I say two things that seem so contradictory? In a perfect marriage, everything is always the finest and best imaginable; like a Greek statue, the proportions are exact and the finish is unblemished. Who knows any human beings like that? For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in happily-ever-after fairy tales. Ruth likes to say, ’If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.’ The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness. ’Happily incompatible’ is a good adjustment." - Billy Graham
I read about a psychiatric hospital with this sign at the entrance: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be well?"
Conflict is unavoidable! How we handle those conflicts can help us improve or destroy our relationships.
How to handle an argument:
1) Learn to WHISPER
Proverbs 15:1
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Two neighbors were talking over the back fence. "I went to a wedding this weekend," said one, "but I don’t think the marriage will last." "Why not?" asked the other. "Well, when the groom said ’I do,’ the bride said, ’Don’t use that tone of voice with me.’"
Have you ever tried to argue in a whisper? It is equally hard to argue with someone who insists on answering gently. The Speech Research Unit of Kenyon College has proved that when a person is shouted at, he simply cannot help but shout back. You can use this knowledge to keep another person from becoming angry: Control the other person’s tone of voice by controlling your own tone of voice.
2) Learn to WAIT
Proverbs 15:2
2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
James 1:19-20
19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
(NIV)
Remember the carpenter’s motto: Measure twice, cut once. Let this be our relationship motto: Listen twice, speak once. Lengthen your fuse. Take time to value the person making the statement so that you evaluate carefully what they are saying before you respond. In other words, people matter more than the position you hold! Who they are is far more important that what they say!
Be careful about exaggerating. It is so easy to use phrases like "always" or "never" - which, by the way, are almost always never true.
When you get angry and upset with someone, the first thing you begin to do is to make their faults and failures look way bigger than they really are. We start with the “you never” and “you always”.
I searched the gospels, and even though Jesus got angry and upset with people, he does not use the words, “you always” or “you never”. If we get rid of those words during our moments of disagreement, it will keep us from falling out with each other.
Proverbs 10:12
12 Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love covers all offenses.
(NLT)
Proverbs 12:23
23 A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly.
(NIV)
3) Learn to Choose Your Battles WISELY
Proverbs 15:3-4
3 The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.
4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
(NIV)
James 3:5-9
5 Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man,
8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.
(NIV)
Some fights are not worth the effort. When we enter into some arguments, we say things we don’t mean, raise our voices and our blood pressure so that we boil over and spill out things we should have never buried in our heart and mind in the first place!
Matthew 15:18
18 But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ’unclean.’
(NIV)
Can you go for twenty-four hours without saying any unkind words about, or to, anybody? Those who can’t answer yes must recognize that you have a serious problem. If you cannot go for twenty-four hours without smoking, you are addicted to nicotine. If you cannot go twenty-four hours without a drink, you’re most likely an alcoholic. Similarly, if you cannot go for twenty-four hours without saying unkind words about others, then you have lost control over your tongue."
We need to pray that God would help us to "bridle" not only our tongues, but also the attitude by which words are said. "It’s not so much what you say, but how you say it".
ATTITUDE IS NOT A MATTER OF CHANCE, BUT A MATTER OF CHOICE!
Little boy is selling a push mower to a preacher. Examining the machine, he asks, “Does it run?” “Yes,” answered the boy. “May I start it?” “Go ahead,” said the lad. The preacher pulled and pulled and pulled, but the mower would not start. The preacher said, “This thing will not start.” The boy explained, “That’s because you have to ‘cuss’ it.” “Well, I am a preacher. I haven’t cussed in 18 years,” said the preacher. The boy answered, “Keep pulling, it’ll come back to you.”
Prior to their wedding, David and Susan met with the minister to discuss their marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Their minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if they wanted to extinguish the candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow hers out?"
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him----"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.
Some arguments are fueled by what “he said”, “she said”, and “they said”. Who are “they” anyway? Have you noticed that what “they said” usually has little bearing upon the current argument?
Proverbs 6:16-19
16 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
(NIV)
One of the things God hates in Proverbs chapter 6 is a person who just keeps a mess going between people. There are some folk who will argue for the sake of arguing! Be careful if you are prone to being argumentative lest you become one who does what God hates!
4) ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE
Ephesians 4:15
15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
(NIV)
Tongues can only give a GENTLE ANSWER when there is GENTLENESS in the heart.
Are you the kind of person who always speaks the truth, but you do not always speak in a loving way? Do you words and how you say them “wound” the other person? Or maybe you find yourself speaking in love but not always truthfully? If your truth is not balanced by love or your love not balanced by truth, then what you have to say is laced with selfishness. When you argue without speaking the truth in love, you are only trying to impress, not impact. When it comes to communicating with each other, it can never be either “Truth” or “love”. It must always be Truth and Love. Truth sets us free and Love covers sin!
Ephesians 4:25-32
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
(NIV)
How willing are we to invite Jesus into our disagreements with each other? If Jesus is not welcome in our disagreements and arguments with each other, Jesus is probably at the outer circle of our lives. We truly have not given Him the opportunity to change us.
