ROOMMATES, BAD DATES & GREAT MATES
Dating “. . .male and female He created them”
I’m glad that you have chosen to be with us today as we continue our series Roommates, Bad Dates and Great Mates. Go ahead and pull out your message notes. Last week we talked about marriage. This week, we are going to talk about dating. And as we begin, I want to be honest with you. I am very glad that I am now married because I was so bad at dating. I was really bad at dating. I think that one of the reasons that I was so bad was because I had a great fear of rejection. Every time that I wanted to ask someone out on a date, I would be paralyzed with fear. I would get so nervous because I was afraid that they would say “no”. Guys, you can back me up. It’s hard to ask a girl out on a date. And it’s maybe even harder because girls have such large repertoires of one liners to say “no” in a nice way. Right? True story, one of the lines is just the simple—I’m busy this weekend. True story, when I first asked my wife out on a date, her response was—well, I’m busy this weekend. My naive hope was that maybe she really is busy this weekend. So I said—well, what about the next weekend? And then her response was—well, I’m pretty much busy every weekend for the remainder of the year. I asked her out in January! She either just had a really busy 1994 or she really didn’t want to go out with me the first time I asked her. I don’t know. My second favorite line is, you ask someone out and they say—that’s sweet, but I would rather just remain friends, right? You might as well have a light flashing, because the translation of this is—I would rather have a root canal than go out with you. That’s the translation of what that is. Dating is hard and as you can see, I still have some emotional scars from my dating life. So it’s important that today as we talk about dating, we take a look at what the Bible says about what God’s design for our dating life is. Let me be straightforward and honest from the very beginning, the Bible doesn’t say a lot directly about dating. And the reason is, because people didn’t date back then as we do today. In fact, a lot of their marriages were arranged and they didn’t have the system of where you socialized, go out on dates, get engaged and get married. That is foreign to them. But don’t be discouraged because in the Bible, there is some very clear and some very important principles that we need to draw out and apply to our dating lives if we want to receive God’s best for our life. But here’s the key as we begin. This is the most important verse that we will read today, and it’s our memory verse for today. It’s at the top of your outline, let’s read it together. Proverbs 3:5. Let’s read it out loud together. It says, “Trust God from the bottom of your heart. Don’t try to figure out everything on your own.” That’s hard, isn’t it? Trusting God. Trusting God in any area is difficult, but trusting God, especially in the area of our dating relationships, is very hard. You see, we tend to want to force a relationship instead of waiting on God, because we don’t want to spend time along. We don’t want to be alone. Loneliness is the number one social disease in our city. We are terribly afraid of being alone. It’s our greatest fear. Sometimes, in our attempts to cure our loneliness, we make big mistakes by stepping outside of God’s will for our life and into a relationship that can be destructive or unhealthy for us. I received an email this week from a young woman in our church who reflected that most woman in New York City, especially Christians women, usually start out wanting God’s best for their life, wanting to stay within God’s will and looking for that Mr. Right in their life, but after a while, if they face frustration and get discouraged, they will usually step outside of God’s best for their life and into a relationship that could be destructive in order just to avoid being alone. And usually when you do that and you settle for second best, you lower your standards in order to keep from being alone, usually it leads to disaster in your relationship, in your dating life. So, how do we learn to trust God in this area of dating? Well, as we begin, let’s take a quick look at the three views of dating that are out there and let’s decide which view of dating we are going to buy into as we begin today. So here are the three views of dating.
1. Date. Who cares about a mate?
The first one is the most popular one. It’s the prevailing philosophy in our culture, write this down, it’s dates, who cares about a mate? This philosophy says, it is never good to have a weekend without a date. This philosophy says date as many people as you can and it doesn’t matter who they are, it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you are having a lot of fun. Now, I had a good friend in college who really bought into this philosophy and he had his own saying. His saying was—date all you can and can all you date. It may take a few minutes for some of you to figure out what he was saying. You see, this philosophy is unhealthy. It is not in our best interest because it ultimately sabotages our desire to find the right person, the person that God might have for us. That’s the first philosophy. Date. Who cares about a mate?
2. Never date unless you plan to mate.
The second philosophy goes to the complete opposite end of the spectrum. This philosophy says—never date unless you plan to mate. This philosophy is on the other end of the spectrum and this proposes that dating itself is bad. That it brings up too many temptations. Too many things can go wrong. So you should avoid the dating process. Instead, dating should start the engagement stage and so you find the person that you are going to marry and then you enter into a stage of dating. The problem and the question that I had with this philosophy is, how are you going to find the right person if you never spend time with them and you are just going to guess and then enter into the dating stage. So that one is difficult as well.
3. Date to discover your mate.
But there is a third view of dating and it’s the one that I am going to propose that we should buy into, and that is—date to discover your mate. And this philosophy says that dating is a process that I can enjoy but whose main purpose is to discover is if the person that I am dating, is a person that I can or should marry. Now, I believe this is a view that allows us the best opportunity to enjoy dating, while at the same time, staying within God’s plan for our life. Seeking God’s best for our life. Look at what Paul says should be our goal. II Corinthians 2, Paul write, “Our goal is to stay within the boundaries of God’s plan for us.” You see, you can enjoy dating and you can discover God’s plan for your dating life, but only if you commit to staying within God’s boundaries. It’s when we stay within God’s boundaries, when we stay within God’s will and His plan for our dating life, that we receive the maximum enjoyment and maximum blessing that God can give to us.
So, if this is right, if what I am saying is right, and we date to discover our mate, then the question becomes, how do I do this? How do I discover my mate? Well, we are going to look at three questions that we have to ask to discover our mate through the dating process. That’s where we are going to spend the remainder of our time today. So here’s the first question that we have to ask—
1. Do I have a plan for this date?
I set up a date, I’m going out on a date, do I have a plan for this date? First, if we are looking for the right person, we have to commit to stay within God’s boundaries for dating. Listen, it is unrealistic for you to think that you can step outside of God’s plan and God’s will for your dating life, and still expect God to bless that relationship, or expect God to bring in the right person into the wrong situation. God can’t bless it. God can’t bring the right person, until you are living within His plan for your life. So to receive God’s full blessings in this area, we have to follow what God says is best for us. And two weeks ago, when we kicked off this series, Pastor Nelson talked about how God created sex to be enjoyable and meaningful, but he also said that God created sex to be between one man, one woman, within the context of a life long marriage commitment. In other words, a dating relationship is not the appropriate place for sex. It’s too soon. And when we step outside of God’s will, sex can be destructive instead of enjoyable and life giving, as God intended it to be. That’s why it is important that before we begin dating someone, even before we go out on a date, that we have a plan for sex up front. We have set our mind. We already know how far we are going to go and what the plan is going to be. Look at what Proverbs 27:12 says, “A prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.” I want you to underline those two words—takes, precaution. You see, we have to take precaution. It’s not even enough to say—I won’t have sex, because sometimes we make up our minds. I’m not going to have sex, but then we will do everything else on a date, and we go on the date and it gets hot and heavy, and it is so hard when you are in the middle of it being hot and heavy and your hormones are raging, it’s hard to say—no, I’m going to stop now. Most of the time, we give in. I talk to couples all the time, Christian couples, and they say, we didn’t want to have sex. We are in a sexual relationship, and now we want to stop and we don’t want to be in it, but we keep falling over and over again. We don’t know what to do. The problem is—they haven’t taken precautions. You have to decide how far you will go before hand and then set boundaries that keep you from approaching that limit that you set. You can’t go right up to the limit and say—I’m not going to have sex and then do everything but sex, and think you are going to have the willpower to stop. You have to set boundaries and keep you away from those danger areas so that you don’t fall to temptation. One of the things that we need to avoid, the things that take us over the age, the things that we need to keep our eyes out on.
The first one is: alcohol. That’s why the Bible says not to get drunk, because you lose control when you get drunk. In fact, when you are drunk, you are not in control. When you are drunk, God’s not in control. When you are drunk, no one is in control. Look at what Paul writes in Ephesians 5, “Don’t act faultlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, let the Holy Spirit fill and control you.” So avoid getting drunk.
Another thing to avoid that will send you over the edge, avoid getting too physical, too soon. I want to share a principle with you and I want you to write this down. It’s called the principle of diminishing return. Write that down—the principle of diminishing return. And it says that every time you do something physical in your dating relationship, that act loses excitement the next time that you do it. Every time in your dating relationship that you do something physical, that act loses excitement for the next time that you do it. For instance, do you remember the first time, maybe in a dating relationship, that you held hands with a girl? It might have been an accidental, your hands touch when you are reaching for the same thing, and your hands touch and there’s that spark of electricity, and then you held hands and it felt so special, and then the second and third times you did it, it became sort of regular and it wasn’t that special, so you had to move on to the, what I call the yawn arm throw. You like yawn and you put your arm back around and then you had your arm around the girl for the first time and then that felt excitement, and you felt a buzz, and that was exciting. But after a while that loses the excitement, and then it moves on to kissing, and then to more, pretty soon, because of the principles of diminishing return, in order to get a buzz off the physical excitement, you are having to do more and more than you have ever done before. You see, if your relationship is built on these physical thrills, you will eventually go so far that you compromise your standards and you step outside of God’s will. That can only damage the relationship that you are in. You see, there are only so many things that you can do and there is only so far that you can go in a physical relationship. If you do it all before you get married, there will be nothing left, there will be nothing sacred, there will be nothing special left for your marriage. That’s the principle of diminishing return. If you go too far, too fast, you will lose that excitement and you will have to go more to get that excitement. Don’t make decisions on your date under the influence of alcohol. And don’t make decisions on your dates when you are under the influence of your hormones or a body part that is below the belt. You see, I call that “DUI”. Dating under the influence. And when you are dating under the influence, anything other than Jesus, leads to disappointment and leads to regret. Look at our next verse, II Corinthians 5. I want us to read this verse out loud together. This is what it says, “Whatever we do, it is because Christ’s love controls us.” You see Jesus’ love should control us in all of our acts, including what happens on our dates. So even before we go on a date, we have to ask what’s my plan?
2. Is this a potential mate?
My second question should be this. You’re on the date, you have your plan, your second question is—is this a potential mate? Now, the question here is—is this person potentially the right person? Is this a person I could marry and spend the rest of my life with? Now, remember, the three views of dating that I mentioned earlier, I am not saying that the only person you can date is the person that you are going to marry, but I am saying that the goal of dating is ultimately to discover your mate. You shouldn’t be dating anyone you know that you are not going to marry, anyone that you know is not marriage material. There is no way that you would marry them. Now, this is important for a few reasons. It is important for you and it is important for the person you are dating. First of all, if you are dating someone and you know that you have no plans of moving the relationship further, you have no plans of marrying this person, but you are dating them because of loneliness, maybe you don’t want to be alone, and you are in this relationship just because of that, you have no plans of marrying this person, this other person might have another completely different agenda, or completely different idea of where the relationship is going. They think that this could be the right one. They may think this is moving toward marriage. If you continue to date them and lead them on like this, what you are setting them up for is one of the biggest hurts and disappointments in their life. And that is a sin not to be honest and straightforward. If that is the case, then you need to get out of that relationship for the benefit of the other person. Yea, it’s going to hurt them now, but it’s going to hurt even worse later on. But it is also important for yourself, because I know many of us here today are dating people that we shouldn’t. I know there are many people here today who are dating people who aren’t believers, who don’t have the same faith that we have. And you think to yourself—well, I’m going to date this person for a while and either they will change, either they will start believing, they will become a person of faith, either that, or I will break it off later on. But that seldom ever happens.
First of all, if you date someone that you are attracted to long enough, you are eventually going to fall in love and get attached. I mean, that’s just the truth. If you date someone and you say—well, I’m not going to get attached, I’m just going to see how it goes. If you are attracted to them, you are eventually going to get attached, and you will eventually fall in love and then not even God, Himself, will be able to convince you that you are making a mistake, because you will have it set in your mind.
Secondly, and we will talk about this a little bit later, most of the time, you end up compromising your values for the other person, and not the other way around. You see, the other person becomes a stumbling block between you and God and you compromise your values in order to stay with them. That’s why the Bible says, clearly to us, and it’s tough but there’s a reason for it. The Bible says it clearly—we should date other believers. II Corinthians 6, Paul writes, “Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?” You see, it’s important that we look at a person’s faith, and we look at a person’s character, before we enter into a dating relationship because a person’s character and a person’s faith, those are the things that last forever. And those are the things that really matter in a relationship. Dr. Henry Cloud says this, “In a relationship, we are attracted to what we see on the outside, someone’s looks and personality. But in a long-term relationship, what we end up experiencing is what is on the inside, their character and their faith.” You see, God’s desire is for you to have a spouse that you can grow spiritually with. A spouse that you can pray with, that you can read the Bible with, that you can go to church with, that you can raise children in a Godly way with. Don’t sacrifice God’s best because you don’t trust Him enough to wait for the right person. Always ask, is this someone that I can marry? If not, then you shouldn’t be dating them. Now, I want you to listen to this. If you are holding on to someone in your life, and the reason that you are holding on to them is because you are afraid that if you let go, there might not be someone else, then you need to let them go. Because, I will tell you this, if you let go, maybe there will be someone else, but I guarantee you, God can’t bring His best into your life as long as you are holding on to something that is second best right now. You have to ask yourself this question, is this someone that I could marry?
3. Marriage, do I need to wait?
So number one, before the date, ask—do I have a plan for this date? Number two, ask—is this a potential mate?
Finally, if you are following God’s plan for your dating life, and this is definitely marriage material, this is definitely someone that you could see yourself marrying, ask yourself this question—marriage, do I need to wait? In other words, should I marry this person? We are living out God’s plan in our dating relationship. They have faith, they have character, they are definitely marrying material, but should I marry this person? Is this the right person? Should I marry them now or should I wait? These are tough questions. And to answer these questions, I want to look at one of the most interesting passages in all of the New Testament. It’s from I Corinthians, Paul spends an entire chapter, if you have never read I Corinthians 7, I encourage you to do so, because Paul spends an entire chapter talking about marriage, and singleness. This is part of what he says. I Corinthians 7:7. He says, “I wish everyone could get along without marrying just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others He gives the gift of singleness. Now, I say to those who aren’t married, it is better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It is better to marry then to burn with lust.” I think in this passage, it is an interesting passage, and I think Paul reveals three important truths in this passage that we need to know whether we are single or whether we are married.
Here’s the first one: You and I do not necessarily have a soul mate. According to the Bible, there is not necessarily someone out there for you, even if you live a good life. Even if you obey God, you walk closely to God, you are close to God, the Bible never promises that there is going to be someone out there for you, because it could be God’s plan for your life for you to be single. Now for some of us that is hard to think about. It is hard for us to imagine. But that could be God’s plan for your life. Now, on the other side, there may be more than one person out there that you could marry and God would be happy with it. You see, sometimes, we get carried away with this idea that there is one person out there on the entire planet that is right for me. There is that one person that I am going to spend my entire life finding that person, and then when we think we find that person, and the relationship breaks up and we are all distraught because our one chance of meeting that one person is all over and now it’s too late. I’m going to have to settle for someone else. But you see, that’s just not the case. God is a lot bigger than that and when we mess up or we hit a dead end, God is a God of fresh starts and new creations and He can turn a dead end into a fresh start even in places where we haven’t even anticipated it. But I want you to hear this. The Bible never says that there is just one possible person out there for you. That’s what Hollywood says. The Bible never says that. You know sometimes we get confused with what Hollywood says with what the Bible says. Hollywood says there is that one special soul mate and every they find that special soul mate at the end, and it was the only person they could ever be with. That is not Biblical. God never said that. The Bible states clearly, and Paul writes it right here that there is no guarantee that there is a specific person out there for you. It may be God’s will for you to be single, but besides that there may be many options for God’s plan. There may be multiple options, depending on what career path. Because you see, in God’s plan, and you are obeying God, He gives you the freedom within His boundaries. We have freedom to choose with what we do, of who we date, as long as we are obeying Him and following His will. So Paul says, there is no guarantee that there is one specific person out there for you, but there may be many options out there as well.
So then Paul points to a second truth in this passage, being single can be preferable to being married. In other words, there is nothing wrong with living a life of singleness. Paul points out that a single person has more time and energy to give to serving God and to serving the church than a married person does. A married person has to give time and energy to their spouse. And a married person has to give time and energy to their family, to their children, but a single person has more time and more energy to give to serving God and to serving the church than someone who is in a relationship. And Paul says that it is preferable if you can handle it, to be single for the work of God. And Paul, I want you to understand, calls it a gift. Go back up to the verse and I want you to underline those words—gift of singleness. He calls it a gift. God has given me this gift of being single. If you are single and there is no one on the horizon right now, and this culture makes you feel this way, I know our city makes you feel like you are a loser, there is no one in your life, or it makes you feel lonely, if you are by yourself right now, it’s okay. Paul says it’s even better. Maybe it’s God’s plan for you. Don’t feel bad if you are single, be happy. God may be giving you a gift of singleness. It may be for a period of time, it may be for your entire life, I don’t know. In fact, Paul himself lived his entire life single. Some ancient sources that describe Paul, do not describe him as a very attractive man. As a matter of fact, I don’t know if these sources are true, but in some ancient writings, Paul is described as very short, and being very bald, and being nearsighted and having a unibrow. That’s not a very attractive picture and it sort of looks like George Costanza or something, is who Paul looks like. Maybe that’s the reason why Paul lived a life of singleness. I don’t know. I tend to think that it was because he was so focused on serving God and he was so determined to serve as many churches as he could, that he didn’t have time to spare. He received this gift of singleness and felt called by God. Whatever the reason for Paul’s singleness, he saw it as a positive calling. He didn’t see it as a problem. So never, ever, allow yourself or anyone else to allow you to feel bad for being single. It may be a gift from God. And God wants to use it. And then Paul goes on. Paul says, “So the person who marries does well and the person who doesn’t marry does even better, that’s if you are using your life to serve God.” But Paul goes on to make a final point in this passage that we need to pay attention to. He says, there is no perfect time to get married and sometimes the best thing to do is to go ahead and get married. Paul says, don’t just go on dating and dating and dating. Don’t go on staying engaged forever just because you have some fears, you have some reservations, you are afraid of commitment, because you might fall into lust. You might fall into sin. He says, instead of falling into sin, go ahead and get married. There is not going to be a perfect time, but if you are with this person, you are living a Godly relationship. You ask—is this a person I could marry and the answer is yes, don’t just date forever. If you think this is the right step, take it and go ahead and get married. As Paul says, if this is a person you think you can marry, then get married instead of burning up with lust and falling into sin. On the other hand, a lot of us are so afraid of the commitment of marriage that we think the answer, the safe answer, before getting married is co-habitation. Living together before getting married. You know, the philosophy—I’m going to test drive this relationship before we do the real thing. I’m going to try it out to see if it works before we jump into the marriage and make the commitment. Well, recent studies have found out a couple of important truths that the Bible has been telling us for the last 2,000 years about this. First of all, you need to know that over 60% of couples that get married in the United States, lived together before they got married. So you aren’t being counter cultural when you live with someone before you get married. You are actually being counter cultural when you wait until you get married to live with someone. It’s unconventional to wait. But a study done by the University of Wisconsin has found that couples who cohabitate, couples that live together before they get married have a rate of over 50%, they are more than likely to divorce than those who wait until they get married. More than 50% higher rate of divorce than those who live together before they get married than those who wait to live until they get married. In fact, out of these couples who live together before they got married, only 15 out of 100 were married after a decade. And for those of you who are bad at math, that’s 15%, only 15% of those who chose to live together before getting married were actually married after 10 years. Maybe some of them even got married, some of them went through divorce, which is again at 50% higher rate for those people. Let me tell you, we have been sold a rotten deal of goods when it comes to living together before you are married. We’ve been told that it’s a test drive and that it will make your marriage stronger, it will help you discover if this is the right person when every statistic, when everything in the Bible says that it is a rotten bill of goods, you are being tricked because it will be the downfall of your relationship and of your marriage, because it’s not God’s plan. Here’s the other startling factor. Christian women are significantly more likely to compromise their standards and live with someone before getting married than are Christian men. That study showed the Christian women are almost as likely to live with a guy before marriage than non-Christian women. While at the same time, Christian men are much less likely to cohabitate before getting married than non-Christian men. Now, let’s just think about that. Why is that? Why is it that Christian women have to compromise on this issue more than Christian men? Is it because Christian men have stronger spirituality? No. I don’t think any of us think that that is the case. The reason is, women are oftentimes more likely to make sacrifices for someone they have become emotionally attached to in order to save a relationship more so than guys are. So a guy, whether he is a Christian or not, might be unwilling to make a change in his life in order just to save a relationship. Whereas the woman, whether she is a Christian or not, might be more willing to make a change in her life in order to save a relationship, even if it costs her her own spiritual life. You see, the problem is when we compromise our faith, we take God’s blessing completely out of the picture. We step outside of His will. Paul says, it’s better to get married than to step outside of God’s will. And in the end, we have to ask ourselves an important question. And I want you to look at our next verse from I Corinthians as well, I Corinthians 10. In writing this, Paul is asking us to ask ourselves a question. It says, “You say I am allowed to do anything. But not everything is helpful. You say I am allowed to do anything. But not everything is beneficial.” You see, the question is, is this God’s best for my life. I have the freedom to do what I want in my life, but is it God’s best. I have the freedom to date anyone I want. I have the freedom to do whatever I want in my dating relationship. I have the freedom to do what I want. But is it really God’s best, or am I just settling for something less. If you are single and you are waiting, what is God’s best for your life? God’s best is for you to enjoy the time you have while you are single. Be happy. See, happiness is not dependent upon another person. If you aren’t happy when you are single, you’re not going to be happy when you are married. Happiness is a personal decision that you make. Don’t force a relationship and end up with less than God’s best. If you are dating someone, what is God’s best for your life? Ask yourself, is this person that I’m dating, is this person God’s best for me? If they are, are you living out God’s best in your relationship? Are you staying within God’s boundaries for your relationship? If not, commit to make those changes today. I know a lot of you are believers, you have been dating, and you have stepped outside of God’s will and you have made mistakes and you are wondering, can God bless our relationship? And the answer is yes. You know, God forgives and God blesses, all you have to do is say—from this point on, we want to commit to living within God’s plan for our life and within God’s plan for our relationship. I want you to look at what God says He will be for us in our relationship if we put Him first and live within His will for our lives. Matthew 6:33. Let’s read this verse out loud together. This is what it says, “God will give you everything you need from day to day, if you give Him first place in your life and live as He wants you to.” You see, we can’t control everything, and it’s not our job to control everything, because we’re not God. What our job is, is to give God first place in our life and to trust Him with every area of our life. In return, God promises to bring His very best into our life whether we are single, or whether we are married. The key is to give God first place and to trust Him with our dating lives. That is something that we can all do.
Let’s pray together.
Father, I want to thank You for loving us. I know that when You look at some of our lives, You know exactly what situation we are in. We have people here today who are married. There are people here today who are single and they have no prospect for a relationship right now and they are dealing with this thing of loneliness. Father, I pray that You will be with them. I pray that if there is a person here that is struggling with this and are being tempted to step outside of Your plan for their life in order to have a relationship, in order to ease the loneliness, Father, I pray that You will give them the strength, the happiness that they can live single until You bring someone into their life and they can experience Your best. Father, there are couples here today that are dating. But they have been living outside of Your will for their life. They are both believers, God, but they haven’t been living inside of Your boundaries. There is sin in their life. They have had sexual relations in their dating relationship already. But Father, they want You to bless their dating relationship. Father, I pray that You will give them the strength to set boundaries in their life, so that they can begin living Your plan for their lives. Father, I know there are some people here today who are in a relationship and they know they shouldn’t be in that relationship. They are in a relationship with someone whose character or whose faith isn’t what it should be and they settled. And they are so afraid to let go because they are afraid there won’t be anyone else if they do let go. Father, I want to pray for this person, I pray that You will give them strength to let go, because only when they let go can they receive Your best for their life. I pray that, God, no matter what situation we are in, whether we are single, whether we are dating, whether we are married, my prayer is that we will give You first place in our life and that we will trust You in each and every area of our life. We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
