Escaping the Trap
Escaping the Trap of Forgiveness
July 23, 2006
For the past 3 weeks now we’ve been concentrating on the subject of “offenses”. Jesus told us that it’s impossible to go through this life and not be offended by someone or something. And so we’ve taken the attitude, “That being the case... how am I going to deal with offenses when they come?”
So far, we’ve described the ‘bait’ Satan uses to catch you in his trap...then we talked about the ‘signs’ that you are indeed caught in a trap of offense... and today we’re going to concentrate on how exactly you can be released from the trap of offense. The key of escaping from this trap comes in the form of one word. One word that we all know... but very rarely practice. The word? Forgiveness! That one word has the power to release us from any offense trap that Satan has ever set-up, no matter how big or how painful!
A lot of people don’t (or won’t) forgive that person or persons who hurt them, (whether it be an ex-spouse, a friend, relative, pastor, parent etc.) They absolutely refuse to forgive! Why is that? Why do they hold on to the pain that their hurt brings? I mean, what person in their right mind would suffer through the bitterness, the anguish, the emotional turmoil of being stuck in the “Unforgiveness Trap” if they didn’t have to? Well, after dealing with people for years on this issue, I’ve discovered that the #1 reason people don’t forgive, is because they don’t know how! They have some misconceptions in their minds, about what forgiveness is…and isn’t…that actually keep them pinned in the trap! They don’t forgive because of what I call the…”Myths and Misunderstandings of Forgiveness”…
So this morning, what I want to do, is to share with you not only how Christ’s forgiveness works... but how it doesn’t work!
I’m convinced that if more people knew what forgiveness is and isn’t…they’d experience the freedom and healing that only forgiveness can bring. I’m willing to bet that you might actually be willing to forgive this morning… if you knew exactly what God’s asking you to do!
For example, the 1st Myth about forgiveness is that…
1. Forgiveness is... FORGETTING.
That’s a myth! It’s not true! Some people say, “Well if God is telling me to act like what they did never happened... I can’t do that... because I can’t forget!” And if that’s you... you’re right! You can’t...and He isn’t! When God commands us to forgive, He’s not telling us to “Forget”. Listen…forgiveness does not equal forgetting! Jeremiah 31:34 is quoted twice in the N.T. (almost as if to emphasize the pt.) READ When God says, “I will remember their sin no more.”, He’s not saying He comes down with a case of ‘divine amnesia’! “Not remembering”... here means “not making an effort to recall something to mind”. If you’re a Christian this morning, God hasn’t wiped His memory banks completely clean of your sins, (He still remembers when you got your little sister or brother in trouble, for something you did as a kid! He remembers when I pee’d my bed and in the middle of the night moved my brother over in the pool of water to escape detection!). He still remembers me doing that! He remembers every evil, rotten, selfish, proud thing you and I have ever done in our lives… but instead of punishing us for it… He’s chosen (because Jesus paid for those sins on the cross) to not to call them to memory against you anymore!
See, I believe that every sin I’ve ever committed is recorded in God’s Book of Life... but because I’ve asked for forgiveness, over each one of them is written in big bold red letters the word... FORGIVEN! When God says, “I remember your sins no more”, He’s saying... “I feel towards you, the way I’d feel if I had forgotten your sins completely!”
Now how does that apply to you and me? Simply this...
When you and I forgive someone the way Jesus forgives us, (even though we can’t completely forget what that person did)... we choose not to call those sins to mind against them anymore. Even though we can’t completely forget what they did to us... each time the memory of their sin comes to mind... we mentally & deliberately write the words “Forgiven” over them! In fact, the true test of whether we’ve really forgiven them, ISN”T that we totally forget what they did… but that when we see them, or hear their name mentioned… the acid in our stomach doesn’t begin to boil over anymore!
We know we’re healed when we feel towards them the way we would feel if we could completely forget!
The 2nd myth that we need to dispel if we’re going to be freed from the Unforgiveness Trap is that…
2... Forgiveness is EXCUSING
If you’re afraid that if you forgive, you’ll be excusing that person for what they did… then worry no more! Forgiveness isn’t “excusing”. In fact, it’s the direct opposite of excusing! Excusing someone for what they did says, “You couldn’t help it... I know you didn’t mean it...and so you really weren’t to blame!” But that’s not what God is asking you and me to do, because in most cases that would be a lie! Sin is sin and there’s no getting around it! What that person did to you is just as wrong as it ever was. And God isn’t asking you to somehow minimize the wrongdoing in your mind.
Contrary to popular opinion, forgiveness goes beyond excusing. It acknowledges that the offense is inexcusable... but pardons the offender anyway! To be a Christian means that we forgive the inexcusable in others, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in me!
Myth #3…
3. Forgiveness is BLIND TRUST.
When God tells us that we need to forgive, many times we’ll respond... “You gotta be kiddin’! Forgive him? No way! He’s promised too many times that he’d quit drinking! Or… “She’s promised that before... but she just does it again and again! How can I keep forgiving them for the same offense over and over? No way!” If that’s your idea of forgiving, then you need to know that forgiving and trusting aren’t the same thing! Even when Jesus’ fellow countrymen finally believed in His miracles, John 2:24,25 says... (READ)
See, there’s a big difference between forgiveness and trust...that’s because…
- forgiveness is given... but trust is earned!
- forgiveness is the miracle of a moment... but trust takes time!
So just because you’ve forgiven that person, doesn’t mean you should trust them! Did you know that it’s possible to forgive a person, and not completely trust them? Sure! Forgiving doesn’t mean you believe their next promise. It doesn’t mean you leave yourself open for another attack, or more abuse! Forgiveness doesn’t even mean you have to be ‘buddy-buddy’s’ from now on! You can forgive somebody and not necessarily be their friend.
Forgiveness means that with God’s help you’re going to make every effort to kill any trace of resentment and every desire to get revenge. It means giving your forgiveness freely and as often as needed... but withholding your trust until they prove their sincerity with actions. That’s why when Peter asked Jesus in Mt. 18:21… “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother when he sins against me? 7x’s? Jesus was able to say, “... you shouldn’t just forgive your brother 7x’s, but 70 x 7 times!” Forgiveness doesn’t mean “I trust you completely, lets start where we left off!…Let’s get back together, as if nothing happened.” NO! Forgiveness is given freely and without conditions… but trust takes time… it’s earned.
The 4th Myth that keeps people from escaping the unforgiveness trap is…
4. Forgiveness is a FEELING
If you believe that you have to FEEL forgiveness, before you GIVE forgiveness… you’re believing a lie! In fact, forgiveness has nothing to do with how you feel. The truth is, you can FEEL hurt, betrayed, angry and abused… but still completely forgive the person who wounded you. That’s because biblical forgiveness is and act of the will. It’s a choice you make. You think Jesus felt ‘good’ while he’s hanging on the cross, straining to get another breath, throbbing with pain? But yet He still cries out… “Father, forgive them… they don’t know what they’re doing!” Listen… If you have to ‘feel’ forgiving before you forgive… you’ll never forgive!
Myth #5
5. Unforgiveness is PUNISHMENT
For some people, the way they get revenge is to withhold forgiveness. It’s a form of punishment. “I’ll show them! I’ll never talk to them again! Then they’ll be sorry!”. The problem with that is 1st of all… it doesn’t work and 2ndly…using unforgiveness as a way of punishing another person, really only hurts one person…you! We think we’re punishing them… and they’re walking through life…. “LA… Dee… DA!” We’re not hurting them in the least! They probably don’t even know they’ve hurt us! So, the person who ends up getting punished the most… is ME! When I refuse to forgive… my bitterness imprisons me in the past. It locks out any potential for getting over the hurt. See, the person who benefits the most in forgiving, is the person DOING the forgiving. When I genuinely, honestly forgive… I’m setting a prisoner free from the trap… and then I discover that the prisoner I set free was ME! Rom. 12:17,18 tells us… “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.” The myth that Unforgiveness is somehow punishing that person is FALSE!
So if forgiveness isn’t forgetting, and it’s not excusing or blind trust. If it’s not a feeling or a punishment… what is it? I’ll tell you what it is… according to the bible… it’s…
· It’s choosing not to call to mind a persons sins against us.
· It’s pardoning the inexcusable.
· It’s releasing bitterness, without opening yourself up to further
abuse.
It’s free, it’s unconditional, it’s supernatural and... it’s POSSIBLE!
You say, “Well, why should I forgive the people who’ve hurt me?” There are a lot of reasons, but let me just give you 3 for starters…
1. Because… GOD has forgiven me.
Listen, if God could forgive me, I should forgive other people. Colossians 3:13 commands us… (READ) Let me tell you from personal experience… when I remember how much God has forgiven me… it makes it a whole lot easier to forgive other people!
And listen, here’s the deal…God will never ask you to forgive anybody MORE than He’s has already forgiven you! God will never ask me to forgive anybody else, more than He’s forgiven me. Isn’t that nice to know? I like that! But here’s the catch… God’s forgiven you… a whole bunch! So… you have to forgive others for a whole bunch!
I believe that before we can really forgive others... we have to know what it’s like to be forgiven ourselves. Because when you really know (at a heart level) what it’s like to receive forgiveness... it’s a lot easier to give it to somebody else. A person who just can’t forgive the debt that others have caused, has forgotten (or maybe never received) the great forgiveness that God has given them! As a result, the unaccepted are unaccepting... the unforgiven are unforgiving... the ungraced become ungracious! It’s impossible to pass on what you haven’t experienced yourself!
So the 1st thing you need to ask yourself if you’re having problems forgiving others is... “Do I really understand what God did thru Christ when He forgave me? (Maybe you’ve forgotten.) OR.... Have I ever really experienced God’s forgiveness for my sins?
The 2nd reason we need to forgive the people who’ve hurt us, (and you know who they are)… is…
2. Because… RESENTMENT doesn’t work!
It’s unreasonable, it’s unhelpful and it’s unhealthy! Job 5:2 (READ) He says, ”Resentment is foolish because it is illogical and unreasonable”. When unforgiveness reigns, a horrible law of nature comes into play… “For every atrocity there must be an equal and opposite atrocity”. If you want an example of that, just look at what’s happening in the Middle East! Lewis Smedes (who’s written a lot on forgiveness) says… “Vengeance is a passion to get even. It is a hot desire to give back as much pain as someone gave you… the problem with revenge is that it never gets what it wants… it never evens the score. Fairness never comes… It ties both the injured and the unjurer to an escalator of pain. Both are stuck… and the escalator never stops, never lets anyone off.”
Does resentment ever cause people to do stupid things? You better believe it! Harboring bitterness is like shooting yourself, so you’ll hit somebody else, when the gun recoils! Someone once described resentment as “setting yourself on fire, and hoping the smoke will irritate your enemy”. How stupid is that? When you refuse to forgive, you always end up hurting yourself more than the other person.
Somebody may have hurt you 10, 20, 30 years ago and you’re still resentful about it. You’re worrying, stewing, you’re spittin’ & spewing. You’re all upset about it; it’s making you miserable; and they don’t even remember your name! It’s not bothering them at all!
Resentment can’t change the past… It can’t correct the problem, it doesn’t change the person, it doesn’t even hurt that person… it only hurts you!
I’ve never talked to a bitter person, who can honestly say, "I feel so much better being bitter!" In fact, the most unhappy people I know are the ones who are always carrying a grudge around. But if that’s not enough to convince you… resentment is unhealthy!
Research has shown that the 2 unhealthiest emotions people have, are guilt and resentment. That’s because they’re like slow cyanide for the soul! And they have physical consequences. You’re committing ‘emotional suicide’ when you continually think about what that ex-wife or husband, that former employer, what that parent did to you. It’s like one famous medical doctor once said, "It’s not so much what you eat, it’s what eats YOU that matters!" Bitterness & unresolved conflict can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, stress, depression, fatigue…cancer, and the list goes on and on! If for no other reason, you should forgive the people who have done you wrong… because of it’s physical consequences.
Forgiveness may be unfair… but at least it gets you off the escalator of pain and personal destruction!
And then 3rdly, you need to forgive others
3. Because… YOU’RE GOING TO NEED forgiveness someday!
Listen… you’re going to need forgiveness in the future. I guarantee it! Because you’re going to mess up with somebody! READ Mark 11:25 with me… Jesus is telling us that resentment blocks the flow of God’s forgiveness in your life. When it comes to forgiveness, the bible tells us that, “we can never receive what we’re unwilling to give.” Have you ever thought about how dangerous it is to pray the Lord’s prayer? "Lord, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors?" In otherwords, "Lord forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else." Uh oh! How many are comfortable with that statement? Can I see your hands?
That could be a scary thought if you’re not careful! If God were to forgive you only as much as you forgave others… would you be forgiven today? You need to forgive other people because God’s forgiven you, because resentment doesn’t work… and because you’re going to need forgiveness in the future! Take some good advise…Don’t burn the bridge that you’re going to need to walk across someday yourself, by refusing to forgive that person you “love to hate”.
Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE." The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now you write on a stone. Why?"
The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." If you’re going to live a long and full life…you have to LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND, AND CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE!
Now hopefully, I’ve given you enough food for thought this morning, and for some of you it’s enough to get you thinking about forgiving. Maybe you’re asking, “Well, Pastor, if I was to consider forgiving that person… how would I go about it?” Glad you asked, because the process is as easy to remember as A,B,C. If you know the alphabet, you can forgive….Here are the A,B,C’s of forgiveness…
A… ACKNOWLEDGE the hurt.
Believe it or not, the 1st step in the act of forgiving is “HURT”.
When somebody causes you pain so severe that you can’t forget it... you are involuntarily pushed into the offense trap. The fact is, everyone of us here have been hurt by somebody at one time or another. Maybe yesterday, maybe a lifetime ago... maybe you deserved it... maybe you didn’t. And the hurt came from the direction of either a friend or a foe... It could have been as innocent as an honest misunderstanding... or as brutal as a pre-meditated murder. The hurt may be as fleeting and harmless as a mosquito bite... or it could have you locked in a trap of emotional anguish and deep pain.
But chances are (unless you live in a plastic bubble, or are surrounded by perfect people... you’ve been hurt.) Am I right? Hurts that need forgiving are always 3 dimensional... they are personal... they are unfair... and they are deep! (did you get that?) Let me repeat…
They are 1. PERSONAL that is.. they are specifically aimed at you. They are 2. UNFAIR... i.e. you don’t believe that they are deserved... and... they are 3. DEEP...In fact at the heart of our deepest hurts is a sense of personal rejection. We feel that our essential personhood has been attacked! And of course, the more imp. that rejecting person is... (say our Mom or Dad for example)... the deeper the feelings of rejection. The deeper the pain penetrates into your soul. Children who endure these kinds of emotional wounds, have the hardest time removing them and forgiving them in adulthood, because of the depth of their penetration.
In fact, I’d say that the hurts and wounding words that we dare not remember, are the most dangerous ones of all! So, when we’ve been hurt, don’t try and diminish it, or sweep it under the rug… ACKNOWLEDGE IT. Say it out loud to God… “God, they hurt me! They wounded me deeply! And I don’t know what to do about it, because it’s breaking me up!” And you know what God’s response is… “I know and I care.” Psalm 34:18 says… Personalize that verse right now! God is close to you!
He understands and sympathizes with your hurt and your pain. Know that! Mark this down... we can’t forgive what we don’t acknowledge ourselves.
The 2nd letter in the alphabet of forgiveness is…
B… BLAME the offender
Whether another person intentionally, deliberately inflicts pain on you, or maybe they said or did something that UN-intentionally hurt you…the fact of the matter is… you’ve been hurt. It’s critical that you correctly place the blame where it belongs. It may belong on you, it may belong on somebody else… but the fact is, until you correctly place the blame where it belongs…you can never really forgive.
In some instances, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We did it, and we need to take responsibility for our actions. The person who doesn’t have the courage to blame themselves is like a doctor who has an unlisted phone number. We figure if our conscience can’t reach us, then we don’t have to confess anything! Our problem is, we’d rather ‘explain’ ourselves than ‘blame’ ourselves.
· “Well, I did it, because I was a breached baby at birth’.
· “But I didn’t mean to do those things!”
· You don’t understand, I was under a lot of stress!
Regardless of how we try and rationalize our actions away, until we take responsibility for our part, we can’t ever forgive ourself.
On the otherhand, the blame may legitimately belong to the person who intentionally meant to hurt you. If what that person did wounded and wronged you personally… you blame them… but not so you can hold it over their head… but so you can forgive them.
And then…
C… CANCEL the debt.
If I’m going to forgive, it’s going to have to be a choice I make that is not based on my emotions, but’s based on God’s power. Like so many things in the Christian life, forgiveness is a decision I make. It’s a ‘choice’ not a feeling. When I choose by an act of my will to forgive, and then the feelings eventually follow. But if I wait for the feelings... I’ll never forgive. (Bell Tower Illustration)
So you’ve acknowledged the hurt, and you’ve put the blame where it belongs… now you’re ready to make the willful decision to ‘cancel the debt’ you think that offender owes you. So find a quiet place to be alone… ask the Lord to help you and speak your decision to forgive outloud… Say… “Lord, I choose to forgive _______________ not because it’s fair… but because you forgave me.” And then say to that person… “I’ve chosen to forgive you for hurting me, I’ve decided to cancel the debt you owe me.”
Let’s do that now…
PRAY
