Why Can’t We Be Friends
Why can’t we be friends: Much of this message comes from a message by Rev. Jerry Shirley entitled, Married, But Not Best Friends. I have expounded on some of the truths that he shared.
Song of Songs 5:16-5:16
Let me read you a verse from one of the great love stories of all time that’s found in the bible.
5:16 His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.
You know men, when we marry, often times we are primarily looking for someone that we think is going to be a great lover. Are you aware however that our to be brides are also looking for something. They are looking for someone who is going to be a great friend. Your wife married you in part, because she thought you were going to be a great friend to her. Could she say that you are her best friend? I you answered yes, then you’re already ahead of many of us as men. If you said no or I’m not sure I have to ask her, then today’s message is for you.
Let me read that verse again for you: Song 5:16
His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.
Song of Songs has a lot information in it on how we should love one another as husbands and wives, so check out the whole book.
Now, marriage is the highest level of relationship created by God between a man and a woman. Therefore friendship ought to reach an all time high in the marriage relationship. Let’s look at 3 key words to help us discover how to bring the joy of friendship back into the marriage. I know a couple by the name of John and Jonnie Hayes who have been married over 50 years. It is obvious that they are each other’s best friends. They have their moments of tension, but you can’t be around them without recognizing, they enjoy being with each other.
Let’s look at two factors to bring friendship back into the marriage relationship. Companionship-- & Communication
1. Companionship: Companionship is having someone in your life to have a good time with when times are good and when times are bad. A good companion is someone you just want to be around. As a kid you probably had a companion that you wanted to hang with sometimes doing nothing. But you looked forward to that time together.
Everybody who plans to get married, wants not only someone to be married to but who will also be their FRIEND! Believe it or not men, the real reward in the marriage is not in the bed, but in the relationship of finding someone who will forever be your friend.
Friends spend time together, want to be together [grow fonder, not go wander!], have fun together, and talk together. Friends like each other. They like being around each other.
They say that the family that prays together stays together, but just as true is this: the family that plays together stays together!
How do you spend your leisure time? Going in different directions is a recipe for disaster! I have yet to understand couples who want to have separate vacations from each other. This is one of the biggest set ups for infidelity. I know personally when I go on business trips without my wife, I have to intentionally remove temptation from my pathway. I don’t wander through the hotel or the streets of a strange city at night. I don’t turn on the tv to watch certain kinds of movies. I don’t flirt with anyone. However I think if I went on a vacation to get some time away from my wife, I would be a lot less committed to doing these things, after all isn’t the purpose of a vacation to relax and have a good time? Well if I’m going to be relaxing and having a good time, I certainly want it to be with my wife.
When couples want to get married, it is important to find out not only how much they love each other, but how much they like each other. It’s the like factor that’s going to determine how much friendship they will develop in the marriage. It is important for them to know the difference between liking and loving. I know of some marriages that have lasted a long time, but the two people involved do not like each other that much. Their marriage is not really satisfying to either person. You can change and decide to start liking the other person.
Of course it means you have to start to be willing to do the things the other person likes to do, without demanding he or she does the same for you. When you show a genuine interests in what the other person wants, the person will begin to like you more. Don’t set out with a goal of getting her to do something for you. Just make up your mind you’re going to become so irresistible, your wife will not have any choice but to like you.
Why is companionship so important?
1. Because it is unhealthy for a married person to spend the most enjoyable moments of their life in the company of someone else other than their spouse. Your commitment for times of joy and sorrow was to your wife. Not to the guys, to the family, to the team, or to the job. You promised her first place. Be faithful and give it to her.
Why is companionship so important?
2. Because pursuing your own interests without your spouse demonstrates selfishness. You did not marry saying that your goal in marrying was to make you as happy as you can be. You promised to do all within you, to take care of her and her happiness. When you abandon the relationship to pursue only what you’re interested in, you cease to be your wife’s friend.
It’s okay for you to have hobbies, but it’s only okay, if your wife knows and you show her, that she is far more important than any hobby you have. If you’re not willing to give it up for her, it has become your companion. It is so easy for selfishness to creep into marriage. It is probably my greatest struggle. I want to have things the way I want them at times, and that’s just not fair to my wife. Companionship helps me to slay the selfishness that rises up within me.
Why is companionship so important?
3. Because this will lead to a fulfilling marriage. We often marry as men in order to have a great time in bed with our wives. But most of the marriage is spent outside the bedroom. Even in the bedroom, sex will be noticeably absent if there is not real companionship in the marriage itself. Being each other’s friend brings a new dimension to the bedroom. You eagerly desire to please this other person.
A man is a fool if he thinks he can have the best sex with his wife possible, without him giving her the honor of being his foremost companion. If your wife is not your companion, you’re missing out on some great sex that could be yours. You do not need Viagra, and you do not need a different partner. What you need is to work to bring companionship back into your relationship.
Why is companionship so important?
4. Because shared experiences lead to shared feelings. Our wives desperately want to know what’s going on on the inside of us. They are not trying to control us. They are not trying to abuse us. They are simply wanting to know us. Who is this wonderful man she thought she was getting when she said I do. That man is you. She is wanting to know you.
The goal in marriage is to become one. But it is very hard to become one if there is no back and forth sharing. If you think of the woman as water and the man as a lemon and put them both in a pitcher, even though the woman surrounds the man, there is little oneness taking place. It is not until the man voluntarily opens himself up, and peels off the layers, that oneness and sharing of juices, tastes, and smells takes place. That lemon is now in a position to become lemonaide. There is a true onness taking place. Companionship has now become reality.
Our first key word was Companionship. The Second Key word is Conversation
2. Conversation: Conversation is actually talking to the other person. It’s one thing to be together, but it’s another thing to share our feelings through actual words.
v. 16 Our text says “his mouth is most sweet”. Some of us may think she’s talking about a special kind of breath mint. Although it is wise to put in a breath mint when talking to your wife up close, that’s not what she’s getting at men. When she says his mouth is most sweet, what she is really saying is , “he’s sweet in what comes out of his mouth, his words!
Now I know I need some work in this area. I wish my wife would go around bragging on me that my mouth is most sweet. The only reason she doesn’t is because it’s not nearly true enough. My mouth is not the fountain of sweetness that God wants it to be, and certainly not what my wife wants it to be. It’s easy to complain. It’s easy to have words come out in the wrong tone. It’s easy to be short with replies when I’m busy.
It takes an intentional work on our part as men to have a mouth that is most sweet. We even think the word sweet should not have to apply to us. But if you want to have a great marriage and a great sex life, you need to discover how to go about getting a sweet mouth. I challenge you to see if you can go one week with a sweet mouth without your wife noticing a change in you.
When you first started dating, you could talk to your girl for hours and then you could call on the phone and talk for another hour. The next day you could talk again for an hour or two all over again. But what has happened since you got married. Are you at a restaurant struggling to keep a conversation going? Are you simply eating in silence. Many married couples do that you know. Someone has said, you can tell the married couples at a restaurant because they will usually be eating in silence.
What happened to you and the conversations of long ago. Well you get married, and the “business” of being a couple, having an apartment, etc., and jobs starts to take over a lot of the conversation. And then subjects come up like in laws, finances, kids, and oh, this seems different than our talks on the phone! These subjects have a lot more conflicts around them than our earlier conversations. To avoid the conflict, we avoid the conversation. But the conversation is one of the ingredients necessary to cement our ties to each other. Avoidance of certain topics, kills all but the absolute necessities of conversation.
Soon he’s hiding behind a newspaper or staring at a tv screen saying “uhu” under his breath, and she says, “I miss our talks, I wanna talk.” He says, “ok, about what?” Well, if you don’t know, then just nevermind!” He ends up responding “whatever” and wondering what on earth is her problem this time
Then she notices he can have good conversation w/ a friend on the phone or at church. I can remember once that I was embarrassed when my wife pointed this out to me. She, another female, and I were in the car together heading for a conference.. The other female asked me about the game of football. I went into great detail and instruction on the game. I made it sound so exciting.
The other female took it all in, and said she could not wait until she was with her husband watching the next game so that she could display her new found knowledge. When we were alone, my wife pointed out that I had never taken the time to explain the game to her like that before. It was as if I really enjoyed talking to the other person. I really didn’t have an explanation for why I had not taken the time to do the same thing for my own wife in explaining this game. But it dawned on me that I was not talking to my wife in the same way I often talked to others.
What happens when we fail to continue to communicate.
Resentment starts to setting in, and then some guy at work is willing to talk to her, and he not only talks to her, but listens to her, and he’s not looking at a tv, but into her eyes…he’s focused! Whoa!
Where’s the next stop for that couple? A bedroom! And for the married couple? Problem city, and divorce court! And sadly, then the cheating couple gets married and it starts all over again…well, it doesn’t have to be that way! We as men can build some protective fences around our marriages to keep others out. It’s very simple to do if we answer the questions about friends.
What are some things close friends do?
• They share themselves with each other. Men this means talking beyond one word answers and giving facts and details about the day. You actually say something positive you like about the other person.
• They confide in each other. To grow together you have to talk about your strengths and your weaknesses and know the other person will keep what you say in confidence. When a woman shares her heart with you, don’t go and tell anybody else what she’s said. Certainly do not use it against her in the next round of arguments you may have.
• They learn more about each other. They do this by trying new things together and discussing what things bring them happiness. Go somewhere you’ve never been. Try a different restaurant.
• They discuss their innermost thoughts, ideas, and goals with each other. Let’s face it men. We’re always thinking of something, planning something, hoping for something and striving for something. It’s a good idea to let the women in on where we are.
Close friends talk to each other.
Proverbs 27:9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. Friends help each other by providing the other with good advice or counsel. That’s part of communicating with each other.
Men you know how a woman’s perfume can really make you want to just stop and take a second look. How many of you men just love it when your wife wears a certain perfume? This verse says that as pleasant as that sense is for you, that’s how your wife feels when you really talk to her.
It’s not always the case but typically, women have a greater need for conversation than men do. It helps her feel united to and bonded w/ her man. It helps her feel loved and cared for. Words of affection and affirmation themselves does a woman a whole lot of good. They don’t even cost money to give. Yet some men hoard their compliments as though they were gold. Go ahead and splurge on your wife with sweet words. You can get some more of them tomorrow for free if you have to.
We do our wives a tremendous disservice when we ignore her all day, and then expect her to fall over wild over us at night as though we were Denzel Washington or James Bond. It makes her feel cheap and used if the only time we can be affectionate is just before getting in the bed. The best night time lovers are the “sweet mouth daytime encouragers.”
There is a two fold purpose in dating and going steady. The first is:
• To get to know each other better. The second one is
• To convey how much we love each other.
Why should these goals be dropped after the wedding?
We have no problem talking during courtship. But many of us are very goal driven and “conquer-oriented”, and after the wedding it’s like, “ok, mark that one off the list…she’s mine”.
Men, let’s set a new goal now that she married us…the new goal is not getting her, it’s keeping her! Keeping her as excited about us as when she first laid eyes on us. Keeping her eager to looking forward to our coming home everyday. Keeping her feeling as though she is the most loved woman in the entire world. That will do more for our marriage than just about anything.
Marriage counselors say couples not only need to talk…but they need to talk at least 1 hour per day! I have to confess, I’m not averaging an hour yet. I can tell though when my wife and I have gone too long without really sharing our feelings. It’s as though one of the wheels of our train of love keeps jumping off track. We can both tell that something is not right. We do need time to talk because we both do things that the other person misunderstands. If we do not talk about it, we can start believing some things about each other that are not rooted in the truth. You’d be surprise to know how many times you’ve hurt your wife’s feelings without intending to do it.
The average couple doesn’t talk nearly enough, and that’s adding up all the business and “survival” talk, which doesn’t even count! We’re talking about just regular friendship talk. Don’t be like the guy whose wife just wanted to hear him say, “I love you.” When asked why he never told her that, he responded, “well, I told her I loved her once, and if I change my mind I’ll let her know!”
Why do couples stop talking?
• Too busy with work—I know sometimes we’re held over or something comes up…but when that’s the rule rather than the exception, it begins to fill out the death certificate for your marriage.
• Selfishness—we develop other priorities we consider more important, but they’re not! We’d rather go to the computer or watch the game.
• Fighting—some don’t cope well w/ problems, and their conversations often turn into fights, so they stop wanting to talk.
If you really want to let your wife know you’re listening, start repeating back to your wife what you think you heard her say. So often what we think we heard is not always what they actually said.
Ie: “so, what you’re saying is: ….”?
Am I hearing you right? What you’re trying to tell me is…
Obviously, we’re talking about meaningful conversation, not just, “so, you’re saying hand me a tissue, right?”
But rather, “you’re saying you were hurt when I commented on your hair, ok, I’m sorry.”
Often when you do this, she may say, “actually, no that’s not what I’m saying…”
So, it helps to clarify…but it also demonstrates, “I’m listening.”
Keep in mind 3 things that need to be present in talking with your wife.
• Respecting their opinion
• Speaking in love and with kindness
• Positive praising
Read Song of Solomon: before he ever touches his new bride, he praises her many times over. [7 times]
3 Benefits of Taking the Time to Talk To Each Other:
• Clearer understanding of each other
• Learn how to meet each other’s needs
• Become best friends!
-----
