SE101506
MONSTERS INC.
3. My Secret Sex Sin
Jesus had such a way of cutting to the chase. In a day and age when no one would talk about sex privately let alone publicly he fearlessly discussed human sexuality. And he acknowledged it’s power. And he acknowledged how the misuse of our sexuality doesn’t begin by being in the wrong bedroom.
He said, the misuse of our sexuality begins in our minds. And he said it’s here that broken dreams take root, in the fertile soil of a mismanaged imagination. It begins in the secret places of our hearts and only then leads to out-workings in physical ways that are also kept secret.
That’s what we want to talk about today. Internal and external sex secrets.
External Secrets
are when we’ve had some physical, sexual contact with someone we’re not married to. A lot of people are carrying around these secrets. They’ve had some exchange, be it full blown sexual intercourse or kissing or sexual touching with someone who is not their spouse. And they are paying the price.
It’s pretty easy for us to see why Jesus would condemn this behavior. But just in case it’s not clear, let me spell it out. Russ said it: Sex is spiritual. It’s not just like shaking hands. It’s breathtakingly intimate. So when that sexual intimacy is shared with someone outside a committed union, it’s soul rocking.
o And because we know that unfaithfulness is so crushing, when it happens, we keep it secret. Some of you are carrying this secret right now. By the end of today I hope you know what to do with it.
Internal Sex Secrets
are more complex. But Jesus was very, very clear about this. He said, in my Kingdom, when people want to follow me, they commit not just to sleeping in the right beds, they commit their minds to sexual purity.
But what is lust? Lust is different from just having a passing sexual thot. Everyone has those, they’re natural as sexual beings. Lust is when we cross a line mentally. When we take all the wonderful complexity of a human being – made in the image of God – and reduce it to a body.
- It’s when a woman looks at a man who has a past and a family and dreams and reduces that man into what he can bring to her ego, her body, her boredom, her empty heart.
- Lust is when a man looks at a woman with feelings, a spiritual life, and a mind and reduces that woman into an object for sexual gratification.
Not only does this internal secret dehumanize people, it’s progressive in nature. Listen to this letter I received recently:
I lost my wife. It was complicated, I chose [porn] sites over her and it took me away from her and my son. I feel ashamed, so ashamed that I couldn’t tell my wife and see the problem myself. I degraded my very soul, it was a shameful place and I felt like I lied to society all the time...I feel like crying a river right now....it was a time bomb that would have destroyed me totally
Friends, lust has that kind of addictive power. It is a relationship-busting, love-diminishing, self-destructive, dead-end deal. That is the current condition in our society. Secret sex sins are killing us. And lets please just forget the notion that this isn’t the case in churches. It’s here. We’re struggling with this as a culture, and we bring that into these four walls every week.
So if you’re with me and you want to get on Jesus’ plan where we live for love and reject lust, you have to listen to Jesus’ remedies. Here’s what he said right after talking about the insidiousness of lust:
"If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off. It is better to go into heaven missing a few body parts than to be in hell with a complete body."
I wish Jesus would be more blunt sometimes... What’s he saying? He’s not talking about physical mutilation. He’s using hyperbole to suggest that we take radical action against sin. We starve whatever it is that feeds our secret. How do you shut off a diesel engine? You starve the fuel supply.
How do you move out of lust? Jesus says that the first thing you do is starve whatever it is that supplies your lustful thoughts. If your fuel for lust is the images in magazines, videos, movies, books, television or certain persons or practices, shut off the supply. He’s saying
- "If those images feed your lust,
o go blind to those images."
- If your arm is reaching for the car keys to drive you to a place that feeds your lust, Jesus says,
o "Respond as an amputee."
- If your feet are trying to take you to a lust-feeding relationship,
o go lame.
RADICAL ACTION. Do drastic things. Now some of you want me to make prescriptions for all of us. I’m not going to do that. Jesus just gave one overarching principle – go blind and go lame to whatever it is.
Shut off the fuel supply.
But you say, ‘that’s too simplistic Rick. It’s like Nancy Reagan and drugs, “Just Say No”. It’s not that easy Rick. I’m telling you I’m trapped, I can’t stop!’ Understand this, taking RADICAL ACTION means taking action long before you’re trapped. That’s why its radical. It looks unnecessary or too careful.
Imagine a guy at the edge of a cliff. At the outset, the edge starts to gradually go downhill, but it gets steeper and steeper until finally it drops off in a near vertical plane with loose rocks and shale, and at the bottom is a pit of snakes.
Now let’s say you go out on that edge to get a closer look. The first few feet, we think, are not a problem. Not really. You’re moving towards a problem, but it’s not a problem, you can keep your balance, you can still climb back up fairly easy.
- Next few feet, not so easy,
- Next few feet, much harder.
- Next few feet and your feet are slipping,
- next step and you’re in a near free fall.
Friends, some of you would tell me that you’re trying to avoid sexual sin but you can’t stop and the truth is, you’re positioned near the snake pit at the bottom of the cliff. You’re taking action. But that’s not taking RADICAL action.
Some of you have far, far too high an opinion of your own climbing ability. And that’s why you take step after step after step over the edge. This isn’t a problem you say:
- I can have this conversation about sex with this man who is not my husband, we’re just good buds.
- I can give these sorts of intimate physical gestures to women who are not my wife – it’s 2006 for crying out loud – men and women can touch.
- I can watch these movies, it’s not like it’s pornographic
- I can go on a long trip with my boyfriend, we’ll sleep in separate bedrooms!
- I can go with my girl to make out point, after dark, after a romantic meal, after I’ve declared my love for her… nothing will happen! Right!
Look, RADICAL ACTION means you start to address the LUST monster when others may not need to. By the time you’re slipping, it’s too late. RADICAL ACTION means addressing it at the top of the cliff and not the bottom.
What might that mean? Well, different stimuli excite different people in different ways. Let’s address some common triggers to give you ideas for radical action.
INTERNET
Radical action against internet porn doesn’t begin with just saying to yourself, STOP USING PORN. Some of you have tried that over and over, and it’s not working. You’re on the net, you’re working late, the room is dark, no one’s at home and you say to yourself, “don’t use porn!” That’s too late! You’re taking action, but you’ve failed to take radical action.
Radical action would mean, pulling the plug on the computer in any situation where your websites couldn’t be monitored by someone else. It would mean finding a way to ensure that A) the websites you visit are exposed to everyone, or B) you have no physical way to certain view websites, such as a content blocker, a lock out, or a family rule about hidden computer time.
Some courageous people in our church have started using software from xxxchurch.com that sends every site you visit to a friend you trust, who partners with you in your fight against LUST.
- Some have made a personal rule, I can never be alone in my office at night.
- Some have said, I’m available to my spouse 24/7 on business trips, because there should never be a time she can’t reach me.
That’s radical action. Now, will everyone need to take the radical steps you take? No. They’ve got their own monster under their bed, their own lust triggers.
FEMALE PORN
For women it maybe the world of romance novels and soap operas. Can a human watch those without falling headlong off the cliff? Sure! I could watch soaps all day and the only sin that’s happening is the sin against good writing that’s happening onscreen.
But for some people the world of SOAPS or romance novels opens up a potent fantasy world that starts the slide. How does it happen? Imagine a woman says:
I can’t help but realize in reading romance fiction what my husband should be and isn’t. I crave a man who can bring the kind of security and warmth I read about, or it seems other women have. It’s gone beyond the escape fantasies… I find myself listening to my neighbor who talks about his wife warmly, wishing that I was married to him. My heart is dead to my husband and I don’t think it will ever be made alive again.
ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS
For both women and men a hugely growing trigger that requires radical action is online relationships. It’s not pornography but with reduced inhibition, millions of people are talking online to people who have become for them outlets for sexual fantasy and relational escape – sometimes escape from real, non-virtual relationships that get too hard.
It will be interesting (and shocking!) in a few years to discover just how many divorces have been spurred by online relationships. How do you stop it if this is your trigger? Radical action. There should be no conversation with a person of the opposite sex online that you couldn’t forward to your wife or husband. Some people have cut their myspace account which for them had turned from online community to meat market.
FRIENDS
In flesh and blood friendships, some of us need to take action in ways that will seem not cool, not hip, and too careful But it will be your way of cutting off the fuel. For example, you might need to reconsider all lunches alone or driving alone with a person of the opposite sex.
You say that’s crazy. No, that’s being sober about our own triggers and joyfully taking radical action for a God who loves us. I went over to a friends house the other day and was expecting to see him there. He was late, and his wife was there alone, no kids just her and me. We had a nice little chat at the door but I just consciously refused to enter the house and sit down for coffee.
Was anything going to happen? No. But that’s why it’s radical. You think, people are going to think I’m goofy. My friend didn’t, he thot it was great. Know your triggers, friends.
- I cut off the flow of HBO into my home years ago, because it was a lust trigger.
- I have blocks on my computer, because it’s a lust trigger.
SIN MANAGEMENT OR DEVOTION?
Look, if your heart is hard or you disagree with Jesus about sex, or you’re empty and feeling rebellious, guess what? You’re going to find a way around any safety net. Jesus wasn’t talking to people who wanted to keep on sinning. He was talking to forgiven people who really wanted to please God, not people looking for license.
God gives his moral laws in the Old Testament. Hear these he says, these aren’t idle words. These are LIFE GIVING laws. When Jesus says, “Radical Action” hear this, he says, this is a life giving principle.
- If your heart is right, if you have accepted God’s grace and know how much he loves you, you’ll hear it for what it is.
- If your heart is hard, you’ll hear only rules and constricting regulations that cramp your style.
Now, quickly… let me address those of you who are hiding the secret. What do you do?
1. OWN UP
Admitting that there’s an issue is the first step. What’s going on inside you that drives lust? A couple of years ago, I made a concerted effort to begin to understand male sexuality better. Like a lot of men, for years I had alternately been confused and frustrated by the power of my own sexuality.
So I bought a book called “the sexual male” by Archibald Hart. People gave me funny looks when they saw it on my desk. But I didn’t care. It helped me find root patterns of lusting and false sexual expectations that were locked in my childhood. Russ realized he reacted out of shame and anger and guilt.
Friends, own up, there’s a problem. Say, this is the truth about how my sexuality has been junked up. This is how my unhealthy relationship with God has added to my problem.
2. REACH OUT.
Then, confess. I’ve not met anyone who overcame LUST alone. The truth is, the only way out of certain dungeons is together. Lust is one of those dungeons.
Friends, if you’re in an affair, take radical action. Cut that off now. And tell someone. Tell a good Christian counselor, tell a trusted friend or church leader.
- They can love you, help you if you’re just at the internal stage to do some truth therapy.
- They’ll give you perspective and if it’s just an internal thing,
- They’ll help you cut off the fuel before it goes nuclear on you.
And eventually, I say you must tell your spouse. Many counselors will never advise you to tell a spouse, and I just radically disagree. Why? Because you want an intimate marriage. And you can’t build back intimacy with a monster IN your bed.
I’ve told this story before: my wife and I processed an emotional affair years ago and it hurt a lot. It was ugly and painful and the sting of betrayal was real. Forgiveness was tentative. Confession was a process. Just like that, for you it may take a while, the relationship may be up in the air… but listen:
if you’re heart is really back in the union after you’ve violated it, it can be healed.
If your heart is not back in the union, if you don’t really want to honor your marriage vows, your spouse will see through a superficial confession and your marriage is as good as dead. But if you don’t confess, your lingering shame and tentativeness will probably kill it anyway.
What if I secretly started to leak a silent oderless gas into our home and it was making everyone sick? Then all of a sudden, I decided that it was wrong to leak gas into our house and stopped - but i chose not to say anything. Some things improved when I did this, but there were lingering health problems in everyone because of the leak. Is my choice to not tell about protecting them or myself? Like that, sexual sin affects everyone, especially when you consider the possible spread of disease. Jesus said, just live an exposed life. Nothing is hidden that will not be made known - choose now to walk in the light. Get real, get healed.
So the best way is full confession, full repentance, and fully accept the consequences of your actions. Forgiveness is not your problem it is your spouses problem. You can help them forgive only by being truly contrite, by breaking off all vestiges of the prior relationship and committing yourself to finding your true happiness in God and rejecting the lies of lust.
If we walk in the light as God is in the light THEN we have fellowship with God and with each other.
In almost every case I’ve seen when an affair came to light and the marriage didn’t get fixed, the offender did not fully repent. It’s ironic because you’d think that the offended party just couldn’t get over sexual unfaithfulness. But I’ve found in almost every situation the desire to forgive and rebuild was there. That’s not to say forgiveness was EASILY offered, I’m just saying it was most often offered.
Not FULLY repenting means the offender hung onto the illicit relationship or behavior in some way. So the triggers stayed in place and the trust could not be rebuilt. But when full and complete repentance happened, demonstrated by radical action, healing has taken place and I’ve seen marriages destined for the scrap heap saved by God’s grace.
James 5:16 says
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
Why confess? Why bring the monster out from under the bed? It might blow up your life! It might end a relationship! It might hurt! Yes, so does cancer surgery. You confess:
- because you are safe in God’s love!
- Because you are not alone. (and you cannot leave this place today thinking that you are)
- Because LUST has more power in the dark than in the light.
- Because you want to be free.
- Because keeping it down has not kept it demolished
Now how it should come out is very important:
- in trusted places.
- Build a bomb squad. Professional counselor. Pastor. Close Friend.
But in the end, the only thing you’re missing out on by hiddenness is grace. And maybe, if we all take radical action, set godly boundaries, tell trusted friends, keep short accounts with God… then AC3 could be a place of sexual health and blessing, instead of mimicking the world which is a picture of broken relationships, pain and selfishness.
