Desperate Houselives - We Must Discipline our Kids
(Ed Young 10 commandments of Parenting)
Dad’s and mom’s have a supernatural assignment.
To be Parents – peers to their kids.
Peers indulge one another and reinforce behaviors whether they are wrong or right.
Godly Parents don’t indulge – they discipline.
In May of 2003, America was shocked by a videotaped hazing – basically an initiation consisting of humiliation.
The scenes of teenage girls battering other teenage girls with animal entrails, excrement, and solid objects were chilling. The videotape flashed again and again showing teens lifting up bottles, cans, and cups of beer as the hazing intensified in violence and cruelty. The beer for the underage kids apparently had been supplied by the parents.
“The issue has struck a nerve,” said Liza Porteus on a Fox TV newscast, “among those who believe many parents may be more worried about being a buddy than a father or mother to their teen – to the detriment of both the kids’ development and the strength of the family.”
Ms. Porteus reported on an ad campaign by Partnership for a Drug-Free America, urging parents to act like adults. “We advise parents that kids have friends; they need parents,” said Howard Simon, an executive with the Partnership. “It’s important for parents to remember their kids, whether they admit it or not, are looking for you to set rules and boundaries. “…it’s probably the single most important job you have in your life.”
If we look at Eli and his relationship with his sons…
In 1 Samuel 2:12
1 Samuel 2:12 (King James Version)
12Now the sons of Eli were sons of Belial (worthless); they knew not the LORD.
Belial really conveys the idea of bringing up the dregs and filth from the bubbling slime-pit of hell onto the level of routine human conduct.
1 Samuel 2:22-25 (English Standard Version)
“22Now Eli was very old, and he kept hearing all that his sons were doing to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who were serving at the entrance to the tent of meeting. 23And he said to them, "Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. 24No, my sons; it is no good report that I hear the people of the LORD spreading abroad. 25If someone sins against a man, God will mediate for him, but if someone sins against the LORD, who can intercede for him?" But they would not listen to the voice of their father,…”
Eli’s lack of responsibility as a parent brought about a curse upon his whole household.
• He ignored the truth about where they went bad…
• He lacked any ownership. Own – to have control over.
To have control over means the responsibility to take care of.
Joy of owning but responsibility of maintaining.
• My truck
• Motorcycle – boat - quad
• Plants
• House
If we are to care properly for our children we find there is great joy, but also the laborious task of maintaining our kids / caring properly for our kids.
To do so is to understand the differences of Discipline and Punishment.
Discipline
• Set’s boundaries
• Guidance towards goals
• Holds a person on target towards a purpose
• Provides framework for freedom
• Proactive interest of parent in child Punishment
• Imposes the penalty of crossing boundaries
• Links cause and effect sowing and reaping.
• Lays on the price for straying off course
• Restricts freedom when it’s abused
• Reactive behavior of parent to protect child from harm or missing the mark.
When parents confuse the difference between discipline and punishment, they assume that all discipline is negative and will avoid it.
Discipline is the “essential positive” and punishment is the “essential negative.”
Discipline Styles of Parenting
1. The Autocratic Parent - The dictator in the home.
• It’s my way or the highway!
• Do it or else!
• Don’t ask why, just do it!
The autocratic parent is strong on punishment and threats but weak on relationships.
Dr. Brackman writes: “Autocratic parents issue ultimatums to their children, there is no discussion or respect for the child’s position or request…no room for compromise – they give orders and expect immediate obedience – no questions asked.”
Autocratic parents raise children that tend to resent authority and are very limited in self-expression. This leads to rebellion as a teen and all communications lines are severed and all hope can be lost in reaching that teen.
2. The Permissive Parent
Prides themselves in relationship building, but is weak in providing the necessary discipline.
• “I love my child so much that I could never bring myself to punish them.”
This is where the permissive parent confuses two main issues:
• First that punishment is discipline.
• Love and punishment are opposites.
Children raised by a permissive parent will:
• Not have many or any responsibilities in the home.
• Be involved in most of the decision making that should be reserved mostly for the parents.
• Will become adults that will shirk responsibility and commitments.
• Will be shocked later in life when their boss doesn’t consult them on every policy decision.
• They have a problem submitting to authority.
In the purest sense, permissive parents really don’t love their children. If they did, they would pay the price and follow through on discipline and punishment.
3. The Indifferent Parent.
• This is no parent at all… “I don’t care” – “I don’t want you”
• This is non-involvement to out right neglect.
4. The Relational Parent
This is the parents that build the relationship with their kids to know them individually. – thinking, boundaries, attitudes, limits.
These parents understand that rules without relationship produce rebellion.
This takes the positive of the autocratic and the permissive parent and leaves out the short comings.
The “Where” of Discipline:
1. In private
2. Not in public
3. Not while you are angry
4. While you are calm
This prevents us from saying things and doing things with unrealistic words…
• You’ll never drive the car again.
• You’ll never date again.
• I’m going to send you away.
The “How” of Discipline:
1. Verbal Discipline.
Matt 522
22But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother[a] will be liable to judgment; whoever insults[b] his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ’You fool!’ will be liable to the hell[c] of fire.
To say you fool, is to say:
• You’re a brat.
• You’re worthless.
• You’re trouble.
• You’re not smart.
We must speak to the action and not the character.
2. Grounding / Time Outs.
3. Hands-Off – like learning to ride a bike.
4. Hands-On.
Prov 22:6 Train up a child – Train means to prod like a shepherd does his sheep. Not to thrash and beat the sheep but to brod and coax them back to the sheepfold.
Proverbs 13:24
24Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.[a]
A study by the University of CA at Berkely, research phychologists found that “occasional spanking does not damage a child’s social or emotional development.”
Proverbs 23:13-14 (English Standard Version)
13Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
14If you strike him with the rod,
you will save his soul from Sheol.
10 commandments for Spanking
• Spanking must be controlled.
• Spanking should be contingent on the child’s behavior.
• Spanking should be administered only after the child is forewarned.
• Spanking should be given under conditions when the parent uses more positive than negative incentives.
• Spanking should immediately follow the behavior that needs to be corrected.
• Spanking must be rendered by a calm parent.
• Spanking should be done in private.
• Spanking should be carried out in conjunction with reasoning.
• Spanking must have the intention to correct, not to retaliate and not escalate to abuse.
• Spanking out not be given children under eighteen months or past puberty.
