Problems in a marriage arise from breakdown in communications or mutual respect, not from some flaw in the marriage.
The first thing that we need to learn that all types of serious communication need to start and end with prayer.
I believe one of the best and foremost keys to good communication in our marriages. Is for us to separately and jointly have a good prayer life in order to be communicating with God and doing this separately and together builds us as a couple.
To have or to build good communication skills we must do something that is so hard it is unbelievable difficult. Start at the basics.
My golf game is not the most perfect game in the world. When I start shanking the balls or better yet I am in the woods looking for the balls instead of the fairway. Then I have to go back to the basics, Head down, knees slightly bent, arms straight, feet shoulder width apart and eyes on the ball. Now ease back and follow thru.
Now the basics of communication are the same eyes open, ears open, heart and mind receptive and when you are the listener (which I am still struggling with) mouth shut.
The next few things I would like to discuss are talking, and listening and then I would like to share something God has given me to be a great tool in communicating.
On Friday last week I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. (I am ok now) When I got to the ER Diana was waiting for me but they said she had to wait in the waiting room until I saw the doctor. When I first got there the ER was busy and after the nurse got my vitals I sat there and sat there asking twice for my wife to come in with no avail. But my point is this as I sat there for almost 2 hours everyone walking by me NO ONE said a word to me, and then finally they let Diana come back. Does this sound familiar though? You are walking by each other 100 times a day and just not talking. One of you probably needs something but we figure that if they love us and are concerned enough that they will approach us first.
The first step to building good communication is to remember that our spouses are not mind readers. I don’t know if Diana needs something at any given moment because I may be wrapped up in something and she is in immediate need of attention and I miss it. Doesn’t mean I don’t love just means I can’t read her mind, as I know that she can’t read mine either.
When talking you need to be respectful in how you talk. Yelling and screaming should not be an option. In Ecclesiastes Chapter 5 vs.2 The word says DO NOT BE RASH WITH YOU MOUTH and ALSO IN PROVERBS 12:18 IT SAYS RECKLESS WORDS PIERCIE LIKE A SWORD, BUT THE TOUNGUE OF THE WISE BRINGS HEALING.
Use feeling words (Use list as an example). As we have all heard before feelings are not right or wrong, it is just that is how you feel.
Also when talking don’t drudge up the past it is unfair and does nothing to help in the current situation bring up something from 10 years ago. All it does is shut down the receiver because they feel they are being attacked.
Use I statements and be open and honest with what you have to say.
It is very important that we listen PROVERBS 18:13 TELLS US THAT / HE WHO ANSWERS A MATTER BEFORE HE HEARS IT, IT IS A FOLLY AND A SHAME TO HIM.
I am very guilty of this I think that I already know what Diana is going to say and answer her question before she finishes her statement. It is embarrassing when she turns to me and says that isn’t what I was going to say. (OOPS)
When we are done talking it is our turn to listen. PROVERBS 15:1 SAYS A SOFT ANSWER TURNS AWAY WRATH, BUT A HARSH WORD STIRS UP ANGER
Use open body language Look at each other while the other is talking and really listen. You need to be able to respond and reflect what was said to you, the only way to do that is not be distracted and listen.
PROVERBS 15:28 SAYS THE HEART OF THE RIGHTEOUS STUDIES HOW TO ANSWER, BUT THE MOUTH OF THE WICKED POURS FORTH EVIL
When done listening you need to reflect back what was said. I hear you saying ___________and this is how it makes me feel. Then you give your response.
Another important part of listening is that if you don’t understand what was said ask for clarification. You can not solidly give a response if you have no understanding.
What can helps us to do this listening and talking thing? You may ask. Well it is practice and firmly trying to do it. In the beginning it sounds and feels foreign but you get used to with practice.
Some good habits to get into is to check in with each other on a daily basis. See how the other is doing it will start allowing you to listen and learn how to read our spouses feelings and sometimes we shouldn’t have to but sometimes it is helpful to read between the lines if we make an effort to practice these skills, they will become 2nd nature and will just happen and then we look at our spouse and will get an honest read if they are troubled or not.
Another good habit to start is put aside 15-30 min just to talk with no distractions. A peaceful time over coffee or tea or better yet a hot fudge sundae.
Another type of communication that seems misused is intimate communication. Intimacy does not always mean sexual stuff.
Diana and I sit on the couch and cuddle while watching TV. Or while driving down the road holding hands or rubbing her back while watching a movie. Think about it when is the last time you did something for your spouse just for the heck of it.
With all facets of communication that you will be practicing this will not only bring you closer to each other but as a couple bring you closer to God.
Explain how God gave me 1st Corinthians 13 and read it and close
