FEAR DANCE: NUMBER ONE DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS
The DNA of Relationships (Part 3)
A. We are continuing our series of lessons on The DNA of Relationships based on the book by Dr. Gary
Smalley. Today’s lesson: FEAR DANCE: NUMBER ONE DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS.
ILLUSTRATION:
A man was reading his paper early one morning at the breakfast table. His wife came over to him and patted him on the shoulder. She looked at him, smiled, and said, “I bet you don’t know what today is, do you?” He looked at her and said, “Of course I know what day it is!” and went back to reading his paper.
He didn’t have a CLUE, but he was AFRAID that he would make his wife UPSET—she was really SENSITIVE about SPECIAL OCCASIONS. He thought to himself, “Is it her BIRTHDAY? That must be it.” So after he got to WORK he called the FLORIST and had a BOUQUET of WHITE ROSES sent to his wife. Then as the day went on, he began WORRYING that FLOWERS may not be ENOUGH for such an IMPORTANT DAY. “What if it’s our ANNIVERSARY?” So he went to the JEWELRY STORE down from his OFFICE, picked out a beautiful TENNIS BRACELET and had it special DELIVERED to his WIFE. As he started home from work he decided that maybe
he should also stop and buy an expensive BOX of CHOCOLATES to bring to her—just in case.
He pulls into the DRIVEWAY and his WIFE runs out to GREET him. As he gets out of the CAR and PRESENTS her with the BOX of CHOCOLATES, she throws her arms around him and says, “Oh, honey, this is the best GROUNDHOG DAY I’ve ever had!”
COMMENT:
FEAR can cause us to do some very UNUSUAL things. What I’m wondering is, how is he going to TOP that next GROUNDHOG’S DAY?
B. We can LAUGH at situations LIKE that, but the truth is in RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS the FEAR DANCE is no LAUGHING matter.
1. These are DANCE STEPS that we have all done, and if we can learn what they are and what our
RESPONSIBILITY is we may learn how to get out of this VICIOUS CYCLE.
2. The FEAR DANCE began with the very FIRST RELATIONSHIPS that ever existed—the RELATIONSHIPS that involved God and Adam and Eve- Genesis 3:6-10 (READ)
ILLUSTRATION:
Adam and Eve had a perfect RELATIONSHIP with God and with each other, that is until they CHOSE to DISOBEY God and ATE of the one TREE in this vast GARDEN that they were told not to eat from, “the TREE of the KNOWLEDGE of GOOD and EVIL”- Genesis 2:17.
When that happened, Adam and Eve felt an EMOTION they had never EXPERIENCED before—FEAR!! They are now HIDING from God—they NEVER had to HIDE from God. They had a PERFECT LOVING relationship that has now been SHATTERED by their DISOBEDIENCE.
The PERFECT UNION that Adam and Eve once SHARED has now resulted in CRITICIZING and BLAMING. There’s no PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY here, it’s the other GUY’S FAULT. Neither wants to be the CAUSE of this RIFT
between them and God, so typically they SHIFT the BLAME to someone or something else, and, thus, causing a RIFT between themselves.
C. Adam and Eve started in what Gary Smalley describes as the FEAR DANCE.
COMMENT:
They FEAR DANCE is a destructive CYCLE that every person in a STRAINED or SHATTERED RELATIONSHIP gets into. There are FOUR ELEMENTS to the FEAR DANCE.
MESSAGE:
I. THE EXTERNAL PROBLEM IS RARELY THE PROBLEM
A. I touched on this briefly last week as DNA TRUTH #1.
1. When an ARGUMENT ensues between two people, there is usually a particular PROBLEM that ignites the ARGUMENT.
ILLUSTRATION:
An argument may occur between a HUSBAND and WIFE over FINANCES.
PARENTS may argue with their SON about not wanting to GO to SCHOOL.
2. There are INNUMERABLE issues over which people ARGUE—over which WE argue.
COMMENT:
We can spend HOURS arguing over these ISSUES and solve nothing. . . . Oh, we might MANIPULATE or FORCE the other PERSON to DO what we want them to do or we might GIVE IN out of FRUSTRATION and DO what the other person WANTS, but it actually does not
SOLVE the REAL PROBLEM.
The ARGUMENT may STOP . . . for awhile, but we don’t stop THINKING about it and FUMING over it . . . and IT WILL rear its UGLY HEAD once again.
B. Let’s look at an argument that ensued between two Christian leaders- Acts 15:36-41 (READ & COMMENT)
COMMENT:
This incident is a little unnerving for some. Here are two GODLY brothers in Christ, one an Apostle and the other known as the “Son of Encouragement,” ARGUING over a CO-WORKER. Two more DEDICATED men could not be found in the First Century. They had been FELLOW MISSIONARIES. Both were EFFECTIVE. Both were SPIRITUALLY MINDED. BUT WHAT AN ARGUMENT!
1. The EXTERNAL PROBLEM: “Should a person who defects from a MISSION be given a second chance to return on a similar MISSION?”
2. The VIEWPOINTS: Paul said, “Absolutely not!” Barnabas said, “Yes, by all means.”
COMMENT:
What’s the REAL PROBLEM here? If Dr. Smalley is right, there is a PROBLEM that plagues every human being and is at the CENTER of most of our ARGUMENTS.
II. THE CORE PROBLEM IS FEAR
A. Gary Smalley contends it is our CORE FEARS that contributes to most of our RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. He believes…
1. Most women have a core fear related to DISCONNECTION—they fear not being heard, not being
valued, somehow losing the love of another.
2. Most men have a core fear of HELPLESSNESS or feeling CONTROLLED—they fear failure or getting stepped on.
COMMENT:
When in the middle of an ARGUMENT, we have to somehow STEP BACK and look more deeply into what our CORE FEARS are that is FUELING the ARGUMENT.
B. Let’s take a deeper look at the two EXAMPLES I gave earlier.
1. HUSBAND and WIFE arguing over FINANCES.
a. Family Therapists will tell you that the number one cause of DIVORCE is FINANCES.
b. Finances are the ISSUE, but what could be the CORE FEAR.
ILLUSTRATION:
This is an ISSUE that Brenda and I have ARGUED over a lot. Like most people, we live from PAYCHECK to PAYCHECK. I put together a BUDGET and try to LIVE by that BUDGET. When money is SPENT that is not on the BUDGET, I realize that that MONEY has to be taken away from a BUDGETED ITEM. So I become AFRAID that NOW we may not be able to PAY a particular BILL.
My CORE PROBLEM is FEAR of FAILURE. In the PAST we have had SEVERE FINANCIAL PROBLEMS. We were THOUSANDS of DOLLARS in DEBT. When you are the SOLE BREAD WINNER in your house, feelings of FAILURE comes CRASHING back on you: You are poor money manager. You aren’t good enough to make a decent paycheck to take care of your family. You aren’t strong enough to control your spending. You’ve let your family down. You are a failure.
It’s just been within the last few years that I have been able to take better CONTROL of my FINANCES, and I never again want to be in the FINANCIAL MESS I was once in. So when FINANCES come up in Brenda’s and my CONVERSATIONS, my FEAR BUTTON is pushed and it brings up the feelings of FAILURE all over again.
2. PARENTS arguing with their SON about going to SCHOOL.
ILLUSTRATION:
This is an ARGUMENT that some friends of our’s had with their 9 year-old son. Dusty always did well in SCHOOL. He was an A and B student. But then his GRADES began to decline, and he started pretending to be SICK so he didn’t have to go to school. Finally his parents caught on to his ACT and told him that he’s going to SCHOOL whether he liked it or not. This went on for a couple of MONTHS.
Every afternoon when Dusty and his older brother were dropped off by the school bus he acted WEIRD. When his brother asked what was wrong, he became INFURIATED with him and said he just HATED SCHOOL.
This family later discovered that the reason Dusty didn’t want to go to SCHOOL wasn’t because he didn’t LIKE it or because he was LAZY and didn’t want to do his SCHOOL WORK, but because he FEARED for his physcial safety. He was being BULLIED by a BIG KID in SCHOOL.
C. How about Paul and Barnabas, what could possibly be their CORE FEARS?
1. We don’t know for sure, but we do know a little bit about their BACKGROUNDS.
a. Barnabas was a PEOPLE PERSON. His name actually means: “Son of Encouragement”.
COMMENT:
He saw the BEST in PEOPLE and wanted to bring out the BEST. From all that we know about Barnabas, it appears that he had a need to be LIKED. Therefore, his CORE FEAR was probably that of REJECTION—not being ACCEPTED.
So immediately when Paul suggests that they not take John Mark, which also happens to be Barnabas’s cousin, on their next MISSION TRIP, Barnabas’ FEAR BUTTON was pushed. What if John Mark gets angry with me? What will my FAMILY say? What if this gets out and upsets other people? Will this cause some of my fellow-Christians to DISLIKE me?
b. Paul was Pharisee and the son of a Pharisee. He was raised to have a very STRICT, NO-NONSENSE approach to LIFE.
COMMENT:
He had HIGH STANDARDS and he expected people to live by HIGH STANDARDS. Whatever Paul did, he put his entire HEART, SOUL, STRENGTH and MIND into it. Whether it was PERSECUTING the CHURCH, as he did before becoming a follower of Christ, or ESTABLISHING CHURCHES, you couldn’t find anyone more PASSIONATE than Paul. Therefore, his CORE FEAR was probably that of FAILURE—not ACCOMPLISHING what he
set out to do.
So when Barnabas suggested that they once again take John Mark along with them on their second MISSIONARY TRIP even though he didn’t have the STAMINA to continue on the PREVIOUS TRIP, Paul’s FEAR BUTTON was pushed. I’m not going to let this guy hinder our success on this trip. I don’t want to FAIL God. I don’t want to FAIL the church. I don’t want to FAIL the people that we are trying to BRING to Christ. John Mark can set us up for FAILURE.
2. You see, there are the EXTERNAL ISSUES that we think are the PROBLEM, and then there’s the REAL PROBLEM—our CORE FEARS that raises these ISSUES.
III. THIS RESULTS IN THE FEAR DANCE . . . (FOUR DANCE STEPS)
A. I HURT.
1. What does your HURT look like?
COMMENT:
How do you feel when your FEAR BUTTON is PUSHED? Do you feel ANXIOUS, FRUSTRATED, INTIMIDATED, INSECURE, GUILTY, INADEQUATE, ANGRY, INFURIATED.
2. Our FEELINGS within themselves are neither RIGHT nor WRONG.
COMMENT:
When our FEAR BUTTONS are pushed these INNER EMOTIONS come to the surface. God has CREATED us as EMOTIONAL BEINGS, but we are not to allow our EMOTIONS to take CONTROL of us.
B. I WANT.
1. When you HURT, you want a SOLUTION—you want to feel BETTER.
COMMENT:
In our ATTEMPT to FEEL BETTER we often seek some very DESTRUCTIVE outlets: COMPULSIVE SHOPPING, OVEREATING, ALCOHOL or DRUGS, GOSSIPING about the one who HURT YOU, ADULTERY, DIVORCE, etc.
2. Mostly, we want the other person to CHANGE so we can FEEL BETTER.
COMMENT:
We see that person as both the PROBLEM and the SOLUTION. “If only my SPOUSE would quit NAGGING me all the time.” “If only our CHILDREN would do as they were TOLD.” “If only my NEIGHBOR would act more FRIENDLY.”
As I said last week, we cannot CHANGE anyone but ourselves and we cannot depend upon another person to make us HAPPY.
C. I FEAR.
1. In any relationship, there are certain NEEDS we want met but we FEAR just the opposite.
a. We want ACCEPTANCE, so we fear REJECTION.
b. We want LOVE, so we fear BEING SCORNED.
c. We want RESPECT, so we fear BEING DISRESPECTED.
d. We want COMMITMENT, so we fear ABANDONMENT.
e. We want SUCCESS, so we fear FAILURE.
2. These FEARS prevents us from having a HAPPY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
D. I REACT.
COMMENT:
We SCREAM, we HIT, we SULK, we CURSE, we WITHDRAW, we RUN out the DOOR. When we HURT—when our FEAR BUTTONS are PUSHED—we often REACT in very HARMFUL ways in an attempt to EASE the HURT—to PROTECT ourselves. The reality is, our HARMFUL REACTIONS don’t SOLVE anything but makes MATTERS much WORSE.
IV. WE CAN BREAK THE RHYTHM OF THE FEAR DANCE
A. Identify my feelings.
1. What are my EMOTIONS, FEELINGS, FEAR BUTTONS in this moment?
COMMENT:
It’s helpful to ANALYZE our feelings. Why does this make me so ANGRY? When she doesn’t call, why do I feel RESENTFUL? When he goes out with his friends, why do I feel ABANDONED? Why do I feel ANXIOUS when we talk about FINANCES?
2. Keep in mind, these FEELINGS are not right or wrong within themselves, but it’s helpful to know why those FEARS come to the SURFACE when triggered by certain SITUATIONS.
B. Ask myself: “What did I do to cause these feelings to surface?”
1. We need to ask ourselves how we contributed to getting our BUTTONS pushed.
a. Did I get myself all worked up over nothing?
b. Do I dwell on negative beliefs and thoughts?
c. Am I mind reading—do I really know what the other person is thinking or feeling?
d. Did I misunderstand him/her?
e. Did I draw the wrong conclusion?
f. Do I have unrealistic expectations?
g. Am I judging myself—do I see in other people what I dislike in myself?
2. This is taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for our own EMOTIONS.
C. Choose to respond positively.
1. How does God want me to respond to my HUSBAND or WIFE, my SON or DAUGHTER, my BOSS, my CO-WORKER, my FELLOW-CHRISTIAN?
2. James 1:19-20 (READ and COMMENT)
CONCLUSION:
ILLUSTRATION:
A husband and wife who had been married for 20 years were beginning to have more than usual
disagreements. So they decided that maybe the best thing to do was to list each other’s faults on a notepad and then discuss them in a civilized manner.
They sat down at the table across from each other and both began writing. The wife wrote down 5 of her husband’s faults and put down the pencil. But then she noticed her husband still writing. In fact, he was writing, then erasing, and then writing some more. She thought, “He must be trying to perfect his list. I can do that too!” She then picked up her pencil and started writing a long list, turned the page, and wrote some more.
After they were done, the wife handed her list to her husband. Leaves the jelly top off the jar. Does not put dirty clothes in the hamper. Watches too much sports on television. Snores too loud. On and on it went listing one fault after another. Her husband apologized and said he would try his best to improve on the things she listed.
He then handed his wife his list. On each line a FAULT was listed, then ERASED, and then written in its place were the words “I LOVE YOU ANYWAY”.
COMMENT:
That’s the way it should be, but much of the time it’s not. Prayerfully, we are beginning to understand a little more about our FEAR BUTTONS and our PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY on how we are to THINK and REACT when those BUTTONS are PUSHED.
READ: 1 John 4:18
