PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY: THE POWER OF ONE
The DNA of Relationships (part 2)
A. We are continuing our series on The DNA of RELATIONSHIPS based on the book by Dr. Gary Smalley.
ILLUSTRATION:
There was young rookie preacher asked to officiate a WEDDING for the first time. He was rather NERVOUS about it. So he decided to seek out HELP from a more EXPERIENCED minister. The older MINISTER told him, “Don’t worry about it. Just RECITE any APPROPRIATE Bible Scripture and everything will be all right. They’re not going to remember what you say, anyway.”
The day of the WEDDING came and the ROOKIE PREACHER was even more NERVOUS. As he LOOKED at the COUPLE standing before him he forgot everything he was going to say. Remembering what the older Minister said about reciting a Scripture, he quoted the first Scripture that came to mind, “Father, FORGIVE them for they know not what they are doing.”
B. Last week we learned that we are CREATED for three RELATIONSHIPS—with GOD, with OTHERS, and with OURSELVES.
1. Although we are CREATED for RELATIONSHIPS, maintaining STRONG, HEALTHY relationships is not always easy to do.
COMMENT:
When we enter a RELATIONSHIP, whether it is a MARITAL RELATIONSHIP, a BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND RELATIONSHIP, a RELATIONSHIP we have with a FELLOW-CHRISTIAN, a RELATIONSHIP at WORK or at SCHOOL, a RELATIONSHIP with a NEIGHBOR or FRIEND, etc—we bring to our RELATIONSHIPS certain HABITS and ATTITUDES and VIEWPOINTS that often set up CONFLICT between us and the person(s) we are in RELATIONSHIP with.
2. When these CONFLICTS arise we have a tendency to point to the other person and say, “If he wouldjust change his OPINION about that everything will be all right.” “If she would change the way she SPEAKS to me, we’d get along.” (HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW SOMEONE YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE? RAISE YOUR HAND, BUT DON’T LOOK AT THE PERSON.)
B. The truth is we can’t CHANGE anybody but ourselves.
1. While doing RESEARCH for this lesson, I came across this insightful QUESTION that really gets to
the CORE of this LESSON.
a. The question asks: “WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE MARRIED TO ME?”
COMMENT:
Not me PERSONALLY—and THANK the Lord my WIFE’S not here to GIVE a TESTIMONY this morning! However, I have been MEDITATING on that QUESTION and realize that at times it must be TOUGH to be MARRIED to ME. Do you think it would be TOUGH to MARRIED to you?
But the question I want you to ask yourself is: “WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME?”
“What is it like to be my FRIEND?” “What is it like to have me for a HUSBAND or WIFE?” “What is it like to have me for a FATHER or MOTHER?” “What is it like to have me for a SON or DAUGHTER?” “What is it like to have me for a NEIGHBOR or for an EMPLOYEE or for a BOSS?”
b. That’s the CORE of our LESSON—we have to take RESPONSIBILITY for ourselves.
2. The only PERSON I can CHANGE is ME!! That’s the POWER of ONE.
COMMENT:
I can’t CHANGE my WIFE. I can’t CHANGE my CHILDREN. I can’t CHANGE anyone in this CHURCH. I can’t CHANGE my ELDERS.
It’s not that I haven’t TRIED, and PEOPLE have TRIED to CHANGE me. Often when people don’t CHANGE we end up getting more FRUSTRATED, and the RELATIONSHIPS becomes even more STRAINED.
3. God is the only one who can CHANGE people. I can only CHANGE me through the POWER of the Holy Spirit.
COMMENT:
And when I finally GRASP this INFINITE TRUTH, my RELATIONSHIPS with people are going to be BETTER. Because when I start making CHANGES as to how I RELATE to other people, they will start RELATING to me differently.
C. I want you to consider two DNA TRUTHS:
1. The problem is rarely the problem. In other words: Our list of ISSUES is rarely the problem that puts a STRAIN on the RELATIONSHIP.
2. It’s never just about the other person. In order for us to have HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, we must take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for our PART.
MESSAGE:
I. WE ARE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EMOTIONS AND HAPPINESS
A. I’m sure you have heard the old joke: “If Mama’s not HAPPY, then NO ONE is HAPPY!”
1. That statement is based upon the PREMISE that Mama’s HAPPINESS determines the HAPPINESS and WELLBEING of everyone else in the house.
a. Although we know on the SURFACE that that is SILLY, deep down we believe that our HAPPINESS is contingent upon the ACTIONS of our RELATIONSHIPS.
ILLUSTRATION:
If only my wife would quit NAGGING me about HANGING OUT with my BUDDIES, I would be so HAPPY.
If only my HUSBAND would tell me that he APPRECIATES me, I would be THRILLED.
If only my BOSS would give me a RAISE, I would ENJOY my JOB better.
If only the KIDS would clean their ROOM, life would be so much EASIER.
If only my PARENTS would stay out of my BUSINESS, everything would be COOL.
b. Do you have your LIST? I CERTAINLY HAVE MINE.
ILLUSTRATION:
I don’t know how you REACT when people don’t do the things you want them to do, but I sometimes FUME inside or I YELL. AM I THE ONLY ONE?
And guess what? It doesn’t CHANGE a THING! All that FUMING does is make me ANGRIER and YELLING just makes MATTERS worse.
2. We have to learn to not allow the ACTIONS and WORDS of others to ROB us of our JOY.
COMMENT:
This doesn’t mean that ANTAGONISTIC ACTIONS, DISRESPECTFUL REMARKS, LACK of APPRECIATION and CONCERN directed toward us don’t HURT, because they do. But they do not have to CONTROL our RESPONSE toward them and DEPLETE our JOY.
B. By learning to control our THOUGHTS we are able to CONTROL our FEELINGS and ACTIONS.
1. 2 Corinthians 10:5- “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the
knowledge of God, and we take CAPTIVE every THOUGHT to make it obedient to Christ.”
a. This passage teaches that God has given us the ability to take every DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHT captive for Him.
COMMENT:
In other words, I don’t have to allow what people DO or DON’T DO or what they SAY or DON’T SAY affect my FEELINGS and my ACTIONS. By DWELLING on it I just get FRUSTRATED and ANGRY, but if I take those FRUSTRATING and ANGRY THOUGHTS captive for God I can be at PEACE.
b. Gary Smalley, quoting from Dr. Archibald Hart’s book, Habits of the Mind, said that “We cannot control our emotions directly, but we can influence how we are FEELING by CHANGING our THOUGHTS.”
2. Philippians 4:2-8 (READ and COMMENT)
a. In these verses we find two sisters in Christ, Euodia and Syntyche, who can’t GET ALONG with each other.
COMMENT:
We don’t know what the RIFT is about, but it has caused such a PROBLEM in the church that Paul feels the need to address it in this letter.
Paul wants these two Christians ladies to understand that instead of FIGHTING and BICKERING and being ANGRY at each other, they have the POWER through God’s SPIRIT to CHANGE their destructive THOUGHT PATTERN and find JOY once again.
b. Paul presents a four-pronged process to accomplish this:
1). Remember the IMPORTANCE of your RELATIONSHIP- v. 3.
COMMENT:
Paul reminds these two LADIES of how they WORKED together by his side for the cause of the GOSPEL. Is this really a RELATIONSHIP they want to THROW AWAY?
When RELATIONSHIPS are STRAINED, we need to STOP and think about how IMPORTANT that RELATIONSHIP once was and REMEMBER the GOOD THINGS about that RELATIONSHIP.
2). Find JOY in every SITUATION- v. 4.
COMMENT:
Some RELATIONSHIPS can result in some very HURTFUL SITUATIONS. We can DWELL on those HURTFUL things and go around SULKING all the time. But that doesn’t do anything to ERASE the HURT. It doesn’t do anything to make the RELATIONSHIP better—it just adds FUEL to the FIRE. Paul wants us to understand that no matter what DIFFICULTY we face, we DO NOT have to allow it to ROB the JOY from our HEARTS.
3). Turn your SITUATION over to God in PRAYER- vv. 6-7.
COMMENT:
Pray to God about the DIFFICULTY you’re having in your RELATIONSHIP. God is the greatest RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR of all! Just POUR your HEART OUT to Him. And have you noticed that when you fervently turn your ANXIETIES over to God how a since a PEACE comes over you. God is already at WORK in your LIFE and in that RELATIONSHIP.
4). Dwell on the POSITIVE- v. 8.
COMMENT:
When someone UPSETS you, do you think about the POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES of that person? “He is such a WONDERFUL, CARING man!” Or do your THOUGHTS go directly to all the NEGATIVE THINGS that you detest in that PERSON? “He is such a SCUMBAG!”
In the middle of a RELATIONSHIP RIFT we have the tendency to DWELL on the NEGATIVE, don’t we? The FACT is, every one of us have FAULTS. If we want to point out the NEGATIVE THINGS of each person in this ROOM, we would be here ALL DAY LONG—and no one would be LEFT OUT. (DOES ANYONE WANT TO START FIRST?)
ILLUSTRATION:
When I am UPSET with my wife Brenda I can think of some TERRIBLE things about her—and often have, and she has her list as well. But the TRUTH is, she is a LOVING, CARING person. I can LIST her FAULTS, but her POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES far EXCEED the NEGATIVE things about her. If I DWELL on those POSITIVE THINGS instead of the NEGATIVE, my ANGER dissipates and I remember why I FELL in LOVE with her in the FIRST PLACE.
II. WE ARE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS
A. Next week we are going to talking about our CORE FEARS that cause us to REACT NEGATIVELY.
1. Within our CORE FEARS are FEAR BUTTONS—buttons that other people or situations PUSH that make us UPSET or ANGRY.
COMMENT:
When it comes to RELATIONSHIPS, we know what BUTTONS to PUSH to AGITATE the other person. Am I right? I know Brenda’s BUTTONS and Brenda knows mine. I know my children’s BUTTONS and they know mine.
We all know the BUTTONS to PUSH, and when we want to MANIPULATE or HURT or ANGER another person we PUSH his or her BUTTONS.
2. The thing is, I cannot CONTROL the BUTTON PUSHERS in my LIFE—and neither can you.
COMMENT:
I can COMPLAIN about it and YELL and SCREAM or SULK and throw a PITY PARTY, but I cannot STOP people from PUSHING my FEAR BUTTONS. I can, however, CONTROL how I REACT.
B. God has given us the ability through His Spirit to CONTROL how we RESPOND when our BUTTONS are PUSHED.
1. Luke 6:27-36 (READ and COMMENT) (If we can respond this way to our enemies, surely we can do the same for our intimate relationships!)
COMMENT:
These verses teach that it is our RESPONSIBILITY to ACT and REACT in a POSITIVE MANNER even when someone does something HATEFUL to us. We can RESPOND by giving people what they DESERVE or by giving them what they NEED. That’s why Jesus said, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”
2. Ephesians 4:26-27, 29-32 (READ and COMMENT)
COMMENT:
Paul also tells us that “We can get rid of the NEGATIVE and DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS and REPLACE them with POSITIVE ACTIONS.” In fact, Paul said if we don’t “we GRIEVE the HOLY SPIRIT”.
Notice that Paul didn’t say that it is WRONG or a SIN to be ANGRY. There are certain ACTIONS that people DO to us and WORDS that people SAY to us that makes us ANGRY—and rightly so. Paul is not saying that you do not have a RIGHT to be ANGRY, but he does say “we are not to allow our ANGER to turn into sinful THOUGHTS, ACTIONS, and/or WORDS, and that we are to DEAL with our ANGER quickly.”
CONCLUSION:
A. Everything that I talked about this morning isn’t always EASY to do.
1. Maintaining HAPPY, HEALTHY relationships is a constant CHALLENGE.
COMMENT:
The reason is, we are people who struggle with SIN in our lives. We DO things and SAY things that are WRONG and HURTFUL. And most of the time when we DO and SAY these things we wish to God that we NEVER did. We allowed the FRUSTRATION of the MOMENT to IMPAIR our better JUDGMENT.
2. That’s when we need to say: “I’M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!”
a. That’s why Paul said, “Be kind and compassionate toward one another, FORGIVING each other…”
COMMENT:
Paul wants people in HURTFUL RELATIONSHIPS to say, “Okay, I did a STUPID thing. I shouldn’t have SAID what I SAID. I shouldn’t have DONE what I DID. But please FORGIVE me and let’s START OVER.”
We have the RESPONSIBILITY to FORGIVE the one who HURT us. But HOW should we FORGIVE?
b. “…just as in Christ God FORGAVE you.”
COMMENT:
Think about all the TIMES you have SINNED against God. All the UNGODLY things you’ve DONE and all the NASTY things you’ve SAID. Yet, God CONTINUES to FORGIVE you of all these things.
That’s HOW we are to FORGIVE one another. And when we can FORGIVE like that, then our RELATIONSHIPS will START to MEND.
HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF?
