May 14, 2006
The Big Flame
Begin by playing Nooma #2 – Flame by Rob Bell
Available here: http://www.nooma.com/
First of all a brief recap of the main points of the film that I want us to all understand.
The three types of love are:
a.) Raya – friendship love
b.) Ahava – commitment love of the will
c.) Dod – sexual love
We are wired to need all three in a healthy marriage.
When we try to leave out one of them we remain unfulfilled.
Love is a beautiful, mysterious and sacred thing that must be cherished and protected.
If you have had a marriage that failed, don’t take condemnation, receive hope.
If you are single, learn now, Kathy and I have always been grateful for the discipleship training we recieved at Rock Church in Halifax while we were still single, - it has helped immensely.
If you are married, really consider what is being said. Remember the hopes and dreams you had when you first committed to your spouse.
1. Keeping Raya strong.
How many wedding invitations have you received that contain some version of the sentiment, “Today I will wed my best friend”?
What happens to that friendship once the marriage starts to move along?
What can couples do that will keep the friendship aspect of their relationship strong?
- Share everything!
To often I meet with couples that share their deepest longings and dreams with friends rather than with their lifelong partner.
Proverbs 27:9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
- Forget on purpose!
Decide now because any long term relationship requires periodic forgetting!
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.
- Promote shamelessly!
I can tell you all kinds of sacrifices my Dad made for me when I was kid. For example he gave up curling and golf, which he really enjoyed, and he took up camping and coaching minor hockey, which we could do togeather. Here is the important part - my dad didn’t tell me about those choices, he never complained once - mom told me! She was promoting him in my eyes. I never heard her say a bad thing about him.
Ecclesiastics 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Song of Solomon 5:15-16
His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover; this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.
2. Going deeper in Ahava.
Ahava is the love of the will, the love that results in commitment. This is the one we want to pretend in this generation is not important. Just move in together, why complicate things.
All you have to do to find out why God made the marriage covenant such a vital part of love is ask a person who has gone through divorce whether or not they recommend it, or ask the children of a broken family how they feel about the importance of commitment.
I am not condemning anyone who has gone through the pain of divorce – only pointing out that it is clear why God would not want that for anyone.
What can we do to keep ourselves going deeper into Ahava?
- Win the mental battle.
2Corinthians 10:4-5
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
You have to be in the fight to win it.
When thoughts come that are in violation of the commitment you made, take them captive.
Refuse to fantasize about someone else during love making.
Refuse to entertain thought of adultery.
When you are thinking divorce, don’t voice it, take it captive.
- Honor your spouse with your eyes.
Job 31:1
I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.
I am not going to stand up here and say that you cannot notice a beautiful woman. In fact I think as we draw nearer to God we start to see more beauty in all of the creation. There is a difference between noticing beauty and lustfully leering at someone though.
Honor your commitment to your spouse by refusing to look at pornography, by refusing to go prowling with your eyes for the sake of lust.
- Don’t play the flirting game.
Proverbs 6:20-27
My son, keep your father’s commands and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you.
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life, keeping you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife. Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.
Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?
There is a vibe that people send off. We have a way of communicating that we are open to invitations. Stop doing that!
The benefits of going deeper in Ahava will far outweigh the silly diversions you forgo by not playing those games any longer.
3. Making dod last a lifetime.
- Decide now!
Proverbs 5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
A blessed fountain needs no Viagra! May her breasts satisfy always, captivate always, this is the plan of God for Dod.
This happens by making a decision.
- Speak it out loud so you both hear it over and over.
Song of Solomon 7:1-9
Shapely and graceful your sandaled feet, and queenly your movement--
Your limbs are lithe and elegant, the work of a master artist. Your body is a chalice, wine-filled. Your skin is silken and tawny like a field of wheat touched by the breeze. Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is carved ivory, curved and slender. Your eyes are wells of light, deep with mystery. Quintessentially feminine! Your profile turns all heads, commanding attention. The feelings I get when I see the high mountain ranges -stirrings of desire, longings for the heights-- Remind me of you, and I’m spoiled for anyone else! Your beauty, within and without, is absolute, dear lover, close companion. You are tall and supple, like the palm tree, and your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates. I say, "I’m going to climb that palm tree! I’m going to caress its fruit!" Oh yes! Your breasts will be clusters of sweet fruit to me, your breath clean and cool like fresh mint, your tongue and lips like the best wine.
This is how you make dod last for a lifetime, speak it over and over again. Make her believe it and something wonderful will happen; you will believe it too.
- Drop your pride and learn.
Song of Solomon 5:17-19
He stands tall, like a cedar, strong and deep-rooted, a rugged mountain of a man, aromatic with wood and stone. His words are kisses, his kisses words. Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through! That’s my lover, that’s my man, dear Jerusalem sisters.
The human body is like a musical instrument and each one is different. You need to drop the pride and learn to play your partner. We are wired for pleasure. Take the time, you have a lifetime by the way, and learn from each other. Don’t be hurt because you did something he or she didn’t like, try again.
The goal is to have a spouse who thinks like the lover in Song of Songs. No one else has to know that you are the world’s greatest lover, only her.
Believe me the couples that you think would be enjoying great sex; often are not.
Go for the big flame! Raya – friendship, Ahava – commitment, and Dod – sex.
Power Point Available on request – dcormie@mts.net
