Key Verse: Psalm 68:5-6.
INTRODUCTION
Judith Durham was one of Australia’s first international pop stars. As lead singer for The Seekers she toured Australia and the world and had a string of hits, including the first Australian group to have a No 1 hit overseas.
Yet while Durham appeared to be on top of the world, emotionally she was a mess. In contrast to her adoring fans she became deeply depressed about her weight and appearance. She started to hate her face - too pudgy, eyes too small. She developed a hatred for her body, considering her fuller figure unattractive. When superthin model Twiggy came on the scene her self loathing grew. Even after losing 16 kilograms she still felt fat!
Durham says that her depression was matched by loneliness. There was no one she felt she could talk to about it. "I was just consumed by it" she says. "You could go to a doctor and ask for diet pills, but I didn’t know if there was anybody I could have talked to who could have changed inside my head, who could have convinced me, ’It’s all right to look like this.’"
Source: Reported in The Sydney Morning Herald "Metropolitan" section Sept 1-2, 2001.
Judith Durham is not alone. Loneliness is an epidemic in Australia and it’s getting worse. A recent article in the newspaper says ....
Australians are losing friends as work and television increasingly dominate our lives. Research shows our circle of close friends has shrunk significantly in the past 20 years. In 1984, people on average had 10 friends they felt they could visit any time without an invitation. But a recent poll shows the number has plummeted to six or seven friends. And about one in eight (12 per cent) say there is no one they can just drop in on – up from 7 per cent 20 years ago. We are also less likely to feel comfortable asking our neighbours for a small favour, according to the national survey of 1075 people. Andrew Leigh, a social researcher from Australia National University, said: “People are watching Friends instead of making friends.”
But we were never meant to be lonely. We just haven’t been created that way. Right at the very beginning of human history God said that it was not good for man to be alone so he created a helper for him.
And even though we may have many connections and acquaintances – the research shows that our circle of friends are shrinking!
So how do we defeat this growing giant of Loneliness? Well, first, the Lord says he’s here to help.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land (Psalm 68:5-6).
So straight from the Scriptures this morning you will see that the Lord has provided the ingredients for building an ongoing, secure and satisfying friendship?
And the first ingredient is affinity.
1. AFFINITY
In friendships, affinity at it’s most basic level, is an attraction between two people. You simply like each other.
In the Bible we see this in the friendship David – a lowly shepherd boy – and Jonathan – the king’s son.
Jonathan became one in spirit with David
(1 Samuel 18:1b).
They just hit it off right from the start.
It’s easy to test if you have an affinity with a person. You simply need to ask yourself what your immediate reaction is when they walk into the room? Do they lighten your mood or make you smile?
However, there’s more to affinity than simply liking someone. Affinity also means we share some common ground. We work together or play sport together whatever. And our lives are full of these relationships – you may have several hundred. But you can’t build lasting friendships on surface level affinity alone.
Lee Iacocca was once the President of the Ford Motor Co. and he said that the biggest surprise of his career wasn’t being sacked from his high powered position – it was what happened afterward - - nothing. Nothing happened! In his autobiography he wrote, “I was hurting pretty bad. I could have used a phone call from someone who said, ’let’s have a coffee.’ But most of my friends deserted me. It was the greatest shock of my life!”
Lee shared a common workplace affinity with most people in his life – and when that was removed, his friendships evaporated.
Jonathan and David had a lot in common too. They were both Jews and soldiers. But it was their deep love and commitment to God that was the basis of their friendship. And get this, their relationship lasted a lifetime – even when it became clear that David was to replace Jonathan as successor to the throne of Israel.
And so the point here is this. The quality of your friendships will be determined by what holds them together.
If your friendships are based around an activity, don’t be surprised if they dry up when that activity comes to an end. If the activity you share with another person was removed, would your friendship last?
If you want enduring friendships you need to form them on deeper, lasting, common values. David and Jonathan built their friendship on a common love for God – that’s a good place for you to start too.
2. ACCEPTANCE – Relating on an “As Is” basis.
One of Australia’s hit films of the 1990’s was Muriel’s Wedding.
Muriel, the main character, lives in the small coastal town of Porpoise Spit with her misfit family. Muriel’s dad is a somewhat seedy town councillor and he has a hard time accepting his family. His wife just doesn’t have the bubbling, outgoing pizzazz required for political life. And his kids are just a bunch of poorly educated, overweight, no hopers whose only purpose in life is to sponge of the generosity of their dad. Muriel doesn’t find much love and acceptance in the family because Bill, her father, just sees her and the family as one big hindrance to his prestige and political ambitions – and they believe it themselves.
Then there’s Muriel’s friends. Slim, good looking and always the life of the party. What’s more they’re all either married or getting married. Muriel on the other hand is an embarrassment to them. She’s fat, she dresses poorly, and she’s never had a boyfriend. Her three gorgeous friends tolerate her, but only for so long.
You see, the most chilling moment of the movie comes when the three friends have gone on a holiday to Hibiscus Island without inviting Muriel. Muriel hears about it, steals some money from her dad, and surprises them by showing up at the resort. As they’re sitting around a table sipping cocktails the friends tell Muriel that they don’t want her as their friend – she’s fat, she wears ugly clothes and she has never had a boyfriend. She’s a nobody.
Muriel desperately wants to be important and accepted like her dad and her supposed friends. And she knows just one sure path – a wedding. If only someone will marry her she will be acceptable to her friends – and maybe her dad.
So she ends up marrying a South African swimmer who is desperate to compete at the Olympic games and needs Australian citizenship to do it – he pays her $50,000 to marry him and she grabs the opportunity.
Now back up for a minute. During the holiday on Hibiscus Island, Muriel meets Rhonda, someone who offers her genuine friendship. She actually accepts Muriel as she is, not for the image she offers. Afterwards, Rhonda and Muriel leave Porpoise Spit and move to Sydney.
So while Muriel is pursuing acceptance by getting married, here’s Rhonda who already thinks she’s important.
Later, Rhonda has an accident which puts her in a wheelchair and the friendship with Muriel struggles for while. In the end Muriel realises what Rhonda has been showing her all along – that she’s valuable, acceptable and important just for who she is.
The point here is this the quality of your friendships will be determined by your ability to accept others unconditionally.(Outline)
Proverbs says, “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17).
And Paul wrote and said this to the Christians in Rome ...
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God (Romans 15:7).
He said that because we can better accept others when we stay in touch with our own short comings. It’s easier for us to extend the hand of friendship to another when we know our other hand is reaching out to receive acceptance and forgiveness from Christ for our own sins.
3. AUTHENTICITY
But to move to this level of friendship we need to be real – we need to be authentic with each other (Outline).
If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us (1 John 1:6-8).
Authenticity begins in a relationship when one person launches a trial flight – so to speak - by disclosing something of a deep and personal nature.
I meet regularly with a group of Pastors. We pray together, encourage each other and hold each other accountable for our spiritual walk. Once, we travelled to an isolated spot to camp out for a few days. The trip up was a ball and the discussion revolved around football, food, family and the fellowships we had left behind. But that night as we sat around joking with each other, one of the guys went quiet. He went on to disclose an area of his life where he struggles – and at that moment the tone changed. As he shared his heart with us he shattered the veneer that had covered our time together up to that point. Suddenly we found ourselves rallying around him in support.
That is authenticity. Friends, the quality of your friendships will be determined by your ability to be authentic with others. (Outline)
4. ASSISTANCE
Someone once said that if Galileo lived today he would have concluded that the sun revolved around himself - - unfortunately we all share a little of that egocentric attitude to some degree.
And many people enter into relationships with that same attitude - - “What’s in it for me?” This is one of the main reasons marriages break down – a partner doesn’t meet our expectations.
But, as usual, the Bible turns popular thought on its head with this radical statement, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).
The secret to defeating the giant of loneliness is focussing on others. But, as we are prone to do, we often want our friendships to centre on us. Again and again we seek to get our emotional needs met, our ego stroked, our psychological demands fulfilled. And over and over we find ourselves lonely and disappointed.
So if that approach is not working for you, try this.
Try changing your motivation in friendship from self-fulfilment (What’s in it for me?), to a focus on service (What can I do for others?). Assistance in relationships is a key to breaking the cycle of loneliness (Outline).
This is the next ingredient we need to defeat the giant of loneliness.
Jesus spoke about this when he said ....
"You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.
Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:42-45)
In his book, “The Fine Art of Friendship” Ted Engstrom explains that, “You are allowed to keep only that which you consciously give away. Give away your friendship, and you will receive friendship in return. Give away yourself, and your ’better’ self will return to you many times over.”
So the principle here is this, the quality of your friendships will be determined by your willingness to assist others. (Outline)
So a great approach in deepening friendships is to have a candid conversation and ask your friend, “What can I do to be a better friend to you?” “Hoe can I serve you?”
5. AFFIRMATION
Another way to assist a friend is through affirmation (Outline).
If you want to defeat the giant of loneliness you need to learn how to be encourager. No one wants to be around negative people who just want to rip them down. But if you can offer people sincere encouragement, affirmation and praise, you will have people beating down your door to be your friend.
Encouraging one another makes us better Christians and better people. Hebrews says ....
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:12-13).
Be specific in your affirmation. You’re not trying to inflate someone’s ego with flattery. You’re intentionally thinking of another persons great qualities and telling them how much you appreciate them. So be specific in your affirmation. Again Hebrews says ....
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds ..... let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:24-25).
The point being made here is this, the quality of your friendships will be determined by the frequency and authenticity of your affirmation. (Outline)
So when was the last time you told your closest friends how important they are to you? When was the last time you were their most vocal fan and supporter?
CONCLUSION
I’ve shared some of this story with you before. It was the middle of the night and I had woken up for some unknown reason. I had a strong urge to check the answering machine – which I thought was crazy. As I said, it was the middle of the night and I hadn’t heard the phone ring. But I knew I just had to check the answering machine.
When I did I was amazed to find one message there – flashing. It took a second to sink in before I pushed the playback button. It was a good friend and he was frantic. His dad had just had a heart attack – he was following the ambulance to the hospital. In desperation he cried out for my help - - would I please pray.
I was stunned.
I immediately picked up the phone and started to ring the hospitals to find out where they were. Eventually I located them and took off right away.
When I arrived I met some of the family and other people who had gathered. A few minutes later my friend appeared – he grabbed me and began sobbing on my shoulder. His dad was gone.
After a while my friend invited me in to go with him and view his dad’s body. The room was dark, and there on the table was my friend’s dad. He was already a little grey – but just still, like a sleeping baby. We prayed there together.
That was the most intimate moment I have shared with my friend.
At the funeral there were hundreds of people – it was the largest funeral I have ever attended. They even had a pipe band!
But what strikes me most as I reflect on that episode, is that my friend called me to pray in the middle of the night! My friend chose my shoulder to sob on! My friend invited me into the room with his father’s corpse, and to be with him in his pain and grief.
What a privilege and a joy to share in a friendship like that – I certainly don’t deserve it.
Now contrast that with the life of the first man I buried. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t even remember this man’s name. I looked it up in my records but couldn’t find anything there. Even still, I will never forget his funeral.
It was a hot day in the middle of Fremantle Cemetery. And standing around his grave were the funeral director, this man’s GP, Colin Lansdown (who some of you will know) – and me. That was it. No family, no pipe band and only the bear essentials of “Professionals” who were there to dispose of this man’s remains.
That’s the legacy of a friendless life.
To put it bluntly, you have a choice. God has given you the desire and the ability to enter into deep and lasting friendships with others. God has not designed you to be lonely. But defeating the giant of loneliness can be scary, it’s risky, it’s time consuming, it’s messy, it’s frustrating .... and it’s worth it!
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