Sunday, August 13, 2006
Marriage: How to Have a Relationship That Works
Ephesians 4:25-32
Also see Colossians 3:12-13; Phil 4:8; Prov 17:9; Prov 25:12; 18:13; 23:12
A husband expressed his frustration by saying, “Mary, you’re not the woman I thought I married!” She looked at him with a slight smile and said, “I never was the woman you thought you married!”
Your “…marital happiness depends little on the person you marry. Rather, it’s how you cope with conflict.” “Your success in marriage (and in every relationship) depends on how you handle your differences and similarities. Everyone marries a foreigner to some degree.” 1
So how do you have a relationship that works? What are the necessary steps to a healthy relationship?
1. You stop being deceptive and speak the truth
It was Dr. H. Norman Wright who said, “Many conflicts between couples occur because of any one of the following: Each has a different thinking pattern or process that leads to conflict; Each has a different communication style that leads to conflict; Each has a lack of understanding and connection with the other.” 2
“Dr. John Gottman’s studies revealed the four destructive forces in a marriage – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He calls them the four horsemen.”
Criticism: Attacks, blames or fault-finds another person’s personality and character. Stems from our thought lives: Accusatory – use of the word “you”; Blame-game - use of the word “Should”
It would be helpful to read a bit by Rudyard Kipling on this particular destructive force (tongue-in-cheek poetry) - “Man’s timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say, For the Woman that God gave him isn’t his to give away; But when hunter meets with husband, each confirms the other’s tale - The female of the species is more deadly than the male.” 3
How our thoughts affect our relationships: Assumptions, Overgeneralizations, Magnifications, Negative interpretations, Suspicions, Resentments due to poor self-image, breakdown of trust and selfishness. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ 2 Cor. 10:5
Criticism hides in our humor and jokes. See Proverbs 26:18-19. Criticism leads to invalidation – the breakdown of friendship. Criticism also leads to destructive Guilt and Intimidation
Contempt: The intent to insult or psychologically abuse your spouse. Namecalling, negative nonverbal actions and mocking are all part of the pattern.”
Defensiveness: A natural protective response intended to diffuse attacks coming from the outside. The greater degree of defensiveness between a couple, the less the amount of emotional intimacy exists in the relationship. Those walls keep you apart.
Some wives treat their husbands like the one mother I read about recently in a parenting magazine. This mother took her 4 year old son with her all day long while she tried on dresses, at store after store. Finally, at the last store, she was trying to get her son to go back into the dressing room with her while she tried on one more dress. “No, mom,” he screamed, “I’m tired of seeing you naked!” Now most husbands don’t have that particular problem, but they do resent being treated like little boys. And they usually get defensive when treated as such.
Stonewalling: Feels like talking to a brick wall. Elicits little or no response. The loudest sound is silence and the message it imparts is distance and disapproval. Men, here’s your sign – this technique is used more by husbands than wives. 4
2. You take care of your anger issues immediately
What the scripture implies here is that we absolutely must get resolution before it’s too late.
I see relationships break down all the time at this point – anger and forgiveness – because they subscribe to the 50/50 plan. I mentioned this last Sunday, but let me just talk a bit more about it. “The 50/50 plan says, “you do your part and I’ll do mine.” That sounds logical, but couples who think it works may be surprised to know that this arrangement is based on merit and performance. With the 50/50 plan, the focus is more on what the other person is giving than on what you are giving.”
“A young man saw an older couple sitting down to eat at McDonalds. They had ordered only one meal and an extra cup. They carefully divided the hamburger in half, counted out the fries and poured half of the drink into the extra cup. The old man began to eat and his wife just sat there and watched him with her hands in her lap. The young man decided he’d order another meal for them, so they wouldn’t have to split their meal. “Oh no,” the man said, “we’ve been married for 50 years, and everything has always been 50/50.” When the young man turned to the old woman and asked her if she was going to eat her half.. “Not yet,” she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”
“The 100/100 plan is a better plan. The idea is to give 100%, no matter what the other party does. IT is the surrender of personal pleasure and comfort.” 5
3. You only give grace with the things you say
Appreciation, Affirmations and Praise
“If couples will increase their positive actions toward each other, they will eventually crowd out and eliminate the negative.” 6 This scripture says that the things you say either build up or tear down. Unwholesome or edifying. You can actually give grace to someone by the words you speak out of your mouth! Only speak what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
“Affirming and encouraging responses can literally change a person’s life, because we need others to believe in us. An unusual example of this is found in the Babemba tribe of Southern Africa. When one of the tribal members has acted irresponsibly, he or she is taken to the center of the village. Everyone in the village stops work and gathers in a large circle around the person. In turn, each person, regardless of age, speaks to the person and recounts the good things he or she has done in his or her lifetime. All the positive incidents in the person’s life, pus the good attributes, strengths and kind acts are praised with accuracy and detail. Not one word is mentioned about his or her problem behaviors. This ceremony sometimes lasts several days, and the person is literally flooded with positive praises. When everyone is finished, the person is welcomed back into the tribe. Can you imagine the person’s desire to continue to reflect those positive qualities?” 7
Relationship/Emotional bank accounts – (illustrate with coin bank or glass jar half filled with pennies). All of us are born with an emotional bank account. These emotional bank accounts govern all relationships. Affirmations, compliments, positive actions, non-verbal acts of love all are deposits into your mates account. But defensiveness, criticism’s, unkindness etc are withdrawals. And Zingers dump the jar (dump the pennies out onto the floor). You see “one zinger can wipe out 20 acts of kindness. A zinger has the power to render many positive acts meaningless. Once a zinger has landed, the effect is similar to a radioactive cloud settling on an area of prime farmland. The land becomes so contaminated by radioactivity that even though seeds are scattered and plants are planted, they fail to take root. It may take hours or days before new positive overtures are well received.” 8
1 Copyright 2002, H. Norman Wright, The Marriage Checkup: How Healthy Is Your Marriage Really, Regal, Ventura, CA, ISBN: 0-8307-3069-9; Page 48
2 Ibid; Page 51
3 Rudyard Kipling, The Female of the Species; 1911; http://www.poetryloverspage.com/poets/kipling/kipling_ind.html;
4 Copyright 2002, H. Norman Wright, The Marriage Checkup: How Healthy Is Your Marriage Really, Regal, Ventura, CA, ISBN: 0-8307-3069-9; page 83
5 Ibid; Page 152-153
6 Ibid; Page 132
7 Ibid; Page 97
8 Ibid; Page 53
SEERMON NOTES FOR BULLETIN
Ephesians 4:25-32; Also see Colossians 3:12-13; Phil 4:8; Prov 17:9; Prov 25:12; 18:13; 23:12
How to Have a Relationship That Works
1. You stop being deceptive and speak the truth.
Four destructive forces in a marriage:
* C_______________ - attacks, b__________ or fault-finds another person’s personality and character. Criticism often hides in our humor and j_______.
* C______________ - The intent to i__________or psychologically abuse the other party.
* D_____________________ - The greater degree of defensiveness between a couple, the less the amount of e_______________ intimacy exists in the relationship.
* S_____________________ - Feels like talking to a brick w_______. The loudest sound is s_____________.
2. You take care of your anger issues immediately.
* Get resolution before it’s too l______, and before the enemy has a f_____________.
* The 50/50 plan has a focus that exists more on what the o_________ person is giving than on what you are giving.
* You cannot have a healthy relationship without w_________.
3. You only speak words of grace –never destruction.
* “Only speak what is h__________ for b______________ others up according to their n________, that it may b___________ those who listen.”
* Emotional Bank Accounts govern _______ relationships.
* “One z_____________ can wipe out 20 acts of kindness.”
NOTES:
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Much of today’s material came from Dr. H. Norman Wright, The Marriage Checkup: How Healthy Is Your Marriage Really; copyright 2002; Regal, Ventura, CA, ISBN: 0-8307-3069-9;
